


Whatever we deny or embrace

by girlygirlgamer



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Drama & Romance, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2018-09-07 19:33:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 117,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8813500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlygirlgamer/pseuds/girlygirlgamer
Summary: Follow up fic to Where is my mind? Set during Civil War- Bucky is forced to reunite with Steve and Alison to prove his innocence and save the world. However can a war mend something that is broken between two people?





	1. Remembering the girl

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer-I do not own Marvel. If I did there would be so much more Bucky. I also own none of the music used here. Follow up fic to Where is my mind?
> 
> Set during Civil War- Bucky is forced to reunite with Steve and Alison to prove his innocence and save the world. However can a war mend something that is broken between two people?

 

Bucky fought the urge to wipe his damp palms on his uniform dress jacket and he looked back to Steve.

"Tell me she didn't run off," said Bucky. Steve grinned at his friend and nodded towards the back of the church.

"I think you have your answer," said Steve. Bucky turned and saw Alison being walked down the aisle by Sam. Bucky swallowed hard as he looked at her and wondered if he would ever stop being taken in by how pretty her green eyes were. The dress was a simple and white, but it didn't do much to hide that she was expecting. He hoped whatever baby they had together would get her eyes and her smile. Alison took his hands in hers when she got up to him.

"You thought I bailed didn't you?" Alison asked teasing.

"I wouldn't blame you," said Bucky. She grinned up at him and put one of his hands on her abdomen.

"I wouldn't get very far," said Alison. Bucky went to say something when he heard a soft sound and something warm and wet near his hand. Bucky was stunned to see blood coming from Alison's abdomen. A bullet hole ruining her dress. Two more shots came down, another hitting her again in the abdomen and another in her chest. Alison looked stunned as she started to fall. Bucky caught Alison and he could feel her blood soaking his uniform jacket as he cradled her. The bright green eyes were dimming quickly and Bucky held her tightly.

"No. No. Don't leave me," pleaded Bucky.

"You left first," muttered Alison. She went still in his arms and she was suddenly so cold it hurt him.

It was his own cries that woke Bucky up and he laid in his bed shaking and trying to breathe again. There was a light tapping on his door and Bucky heard a timid voice call through the door.

"Mr. Dyer. Are you alright? I heard shouting." The voice belonged to Mrs. Andron, a widow who lived across the hall. Bucky sighed and made his way to door. Hoping the few seconds it took him to get there would calm him down. He opened the door and the old woman looked up at him worried.

"I'm sorry I scared you. It was just a very stupid dream," said Bucky hoping he sounded calm. She took him with her sharp gray eyes and sighed.

"Happens to all of us from time to time. I'm going to go to the market and see about getting some berries for a tart. You just come by when you get time and I'll save you a piece," said Mrs. Andron. Bucky went to protest, but the widow had already started walking away. Bucky shut the door and went back over to his bed. He had taken Alison's sweater out of his backpack and had fallen asleep next to it. Bucky sat down on his bed and held the sweater. It really didn't smell like Alison anymore. _Well she hasn't worn it in six months and you had to wash it to get the blood out,_ thought barely fought back a shudder has the memories from South America came back.

He and Alison had been taken by Hydra and after they mind wiped him and said his control words it had been up to Alison to try and save them both. She had killed four of the men who had taken them before he had been ordered to attack her. Alison had barely been able to snap him back to some part of himself. _I came to with my hand around her neck. I could have let god knows what happen to her if she hadn't snapped me out of it,_ thought Bucky.

Even after he was snapped out of it and they got away, it took hours for him to really remember who she was. _I forgot that I loved her._ Alison had been sick, badly hurt and she wasn't safe with him in her life. He had been an idiot for not truly facing that fact head on sooner. Bucky had taken her to a clinic for help and slipped away.

 _It didn't stop her though. She found you and tried to get you to come home,_ thought Bucky. Alison had managed to find him for a bit in Spain, however he made sure that she understood that he wasn't going to come home with her. Bucky touched the dog tags, one belonging to him and the other belonging to Alison's late father. His mother's wedding ring was also on the same chain. _She also came to tell you that your sister was gone._ Bucky looked from the sweater to the small burner phone she had left with him. Alison told if and when he changed his mind he could call her or Steve to come home. _I should have thrown both these things away months ago. I can't go home. I would just put them all at risk. There are still people out there that can make me forget that I know them and care about them. I almost killed Steve repeatedly and I could have killed Alison. I could hurt them all if someone wanted me too. I was stupid for thinking I could have anything normal again._

Bucky put the sweater and the phone back in his backpack though and showered before going around the building for his normal rounds. Most of the tenants had started moving out since the building was slated to be torn down this summer. Bucky wondered if he would stay in Romania or head somewhere else. It wasn't bad here, he was sure he wouldn't run into anyone that knew him here and memories were slightly less intense when they did come to him now. _The dreams though, I wish they would stop._

He dreamed of Steve-how they used be before the war or how it could have been if they came home together. He dreamed of Alison and how things could have been if he was just a normal guy. _The house, the kids, a picket fence and a dog. Things you can't have now,_ thought Bucky.

Bucky looked down at his gloved hands and frowned. When he dreamed both his arms were normal. _That should be a giveaway from now on that I'm dreaming._ Bucky could faintly hear the plates in his arm has he headed outside towards the market. It was the weekend and spring had really showed up so it was a bit busy now. Tourists walking and looking at maps, couples out on dates and parents shaking their heads and calling after children to not stray too far.

Bucky thought again of how Alison looked in his dream and that should have been another sign he was dreaming. _She was pregnant and you can't have children. You can't have that anyone and who would want to have a family with you,_ thought Bucky.

 _I thought we were family and you just left me. You left us_ said a voice. It was Alison's voice and Bucky was torn about wanting to hear it again in real life and wishing it would go away for good. Bucky shoved his hands into his pockets and wandered through the market. He picked up a few things before going over to a small cafe. Bucky ordered a coffee and pulled out the small journal he kept in his pocket. He hadn't wrote much in this one, but it was doodled in. Steve had taught him how to draw a little and Bucky liked to come here, watch the people, listen to music and shut his mind off for a bit as he drew. The drawings weren't as good as Steve's, but they were passable drawings for the most part.

The girl came with his coffee and gave him a smile before nodding at the notebook.

"I wish I could draw eyes like that. Well I wish I could draw at all. I do make a good stick figure," said the girl.

"Thank you," said Bucky and the girl tapped the notebook.

"She has very kind eyes, but they look sad," said the girl. Bucky went to close the notebook when someone inside called to the girl and she nearly tripped over herself to wait more tables. Bucky looked at the drawing and frowned. He didn't have a picture of Alison and his attempt to draw one was poor in his mind.

Bucky had moments when all he wanted to do was to call Steve or Alison and ask them to come bring him home. Then he would remind himself of what he had done to Alison and the position he had put Steve in before he taken off again. _Steve saved her life after you nearly got her killed,_ thought Bucky.

When Alison had found him Spain, Bucky had noticed a marked change in her. She told him that in order to save her after the Hydra kidnapping Steve had given her a blood transfusion. Bucky wasn't a hundred percent sure of what Alison could do now, but she healed quickly and could almost match him in strength. When she first told him, Bucky couldn't figure out what pissed him off so much about it. Now he was sort of figuring it out and he wasn't sure he liked the answers.

He was jealous for starters. Bucky had never been the jealous type before when it came to girls he had dated. When it came to Alison he found he could be overly jealous. Maybe it was several decades of not having anyone in his life that loved him that triggered it, but he didn't like it at all. He had to constantly tell himself that she was her own person and she wanted to be with him. Bucky knew he had no right to be upset that Steve had saved her life after he had nearly gotten her killed and walked away. He was though and it dug at Bucky. _You could have saved her if you had stayed,_ thought Bucky.

Bucky was pretty sure he and Alison might be matches for blood type. If he had stayed he would have been able to help her for once. _You're pissed off and jealous that your best friend saved your girl. Jesus Barnes what's wrong with you?_ thought Bucky. Bucky sipped his coffee and went deeper into his thoughts.

Bucky knew what the serum had done for Steve and what it had done to him. What had it done to Alison though? Well there was the healing and strength boost to start with. Steve had told him once the serum increased traits inside a person. _Good becomes great and bad becomes even worse_ is how Steve explained it. Bucky knew he hadn't been a terrible person before Hydra, but years of being used for terrible things had screwed him up royally. Alison was a good person, but Bucky knew how much pressure she put on herself to be there for others. _Would the serum make that worse for her?_ _She blamed herself for not helping me, even though she helped me more than anyone else could,_ thought Bucky.

Between the serum and what happened in South America, Bucky wasn't sure if Alison was still the woman who had handed him a cup of coffee in an alleyway almost a year ago. If she could still be the person he had fallen in love with. How much could she change before she wasn't herself anymore? _You didn't want to find out and that's why you left. You didn't want to wake up one morning with her hating you for turning her into something she didn't want to be,_ thought Bucky. He knew far too well what it was like to hate someone for changing to into something else.

Bucky went back to his drawing and listened to the music coming from the cafe. It was that whiny 90's music Alison liked. _Maybe it's not so bad after all,_ thought Bucky as he turned to a new page and started drawing the Brooklyn Bridge. Bucky did hope that Alison was alright and he hoped that she wasn't waiting for him to come back. _I never should have kissed her. If I hadn't kissed her she would still be the woman I met almost a year ago. Whoever she is now, I just want her to happy,_ thought Bucky. He looked at his drawing and shook his head. It was a stupid thought, but it was one that he might be able to live with. After all Steve had saved her life and they were both too kind for their own good. _At least I wouldn't have to worry about making sure someone was taking care of them._

…...

_This is how we do it_

_It's Friday night, and I feel alright_

_The party is here on the West side._

Alison looked over at Steve and grinned at bit.

"I don't think I've heard this song since college. Me, Sam and Sophia got tipsy and went to a throwback party at a roll skating rink. It was one of our greater ideas in college," said Alison and Steve laughed.

"Sam on skates. I might pay to see that," said Steve. Alison sipped her drink and nodded out to the dance floor. Sam was dancing with Wanda and while the younger woman had been a bit awkward at first she was clearly warming up and enjoying herself at the wedding reception.

"He dances better than he skates," said Alison with a smile.

"You sure about that?" asked Steve looking at their friend waving his arms about wildly.

"Pretty sure. He's not clinging to the wall and complaining about those damn kids passing him and how the floor keeps spinning," said Alison. She grinned at the memory and Steve found the smile to be genuine in nature. Over the last few months, Steve had been paying close attention to how Alison had been recovering from a slew of bad events that he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. After recovering from the kidnapping she had seemed alright on the surface, but after she ran off to find Bucky after his sister Rebecca had passed it hit Steve how badly she was taking everything. _She blamed herself for falling in love with him. That he left because she screwed up and that she wasn't someone Bucky could love anymore,_ thought Steve.

After Spain there had been another shift in her and Alison threw herself into being part of the team in any way she could. Training with him or Natasha, working on finishing her nursing degree with the other students, she set aside time to help Vision and Wanda understand anything and everything they had questions about and was helping another team member, David Dugan figure out what happened to him after a bizarre piece of sushi turned him into an unbreakable man.

On the surface Alison still appeared alright and if you weren't paying attention you could believe it. Steve knew if Bucky were in his shoes he would watch over his girl, so Steve looked after Alison now and sometimes he wondered if she was really alright. Steve knew a little too well how to play the 'Everything is fine' game. He had played it even before the war so no one would worry about it him. Alison was very much like Bucky in the way she would bend over backwards to make sure everyone else was taken care of and not thinking of herself. At least that hadn't changed and it was trait Steve could understand.

It was when you really looked at her to see if the smile reached her eyes that Steve could see it. Very few smiles did reach her eyes anymore from what he saw and it worried him. The awkward yet funny woman had been replaced by someone far too serious and far too driven at times.

 _You should be here Buck. She needs you, not me,_ thought Steve. Tonight though was a very different story and Steve didn't have to look very hard to see why Alison was so happy. Steve followed Alison's gaze to where the brides were dancing.

Renee, tall and striking in her white ball gown dress danced with Sophia who looked so tiny next to Renee in a short, strapless red dress. Renee was Sam's cousin and Alison had grown up with Sam and Renee. Sophia had entered the picture later on in grade school, but they had all been inseparable for years. Alison had explained that Sophia and Renee had dated on and off during high school and college, but they always seemed to find their back to each other. The song changed to a slower number and the brides simply pulled each other close and started to move in slow circles.

"The maid of honor really should have brought a better date to the wedding. I think she's been nursing the same drink for about an hour now and her date really should get her a new one or something. Or maybe see if she wants to dance" said Steve teasing and Alison held up her glass and studied the melting ice.

"Nah. The melting ice is like a second drink. Beside I asked you to come because when you aren't my boss I like to think we're friends and friends to go social events together. Plus there is a bit of a bonus that you clean up nice and no one is harassing me about dating since we walked into together," teased Alison.

"So David doesn't clean up nice?" asked Steve and Alison shook her head. She grinned, but it didn't reach her eyes. _Are you waiting for him to come back? Would you still love him if he came back?_ thought Steve. Steve had seen how heartbroken she had been in Spain when she told him she couldn't find Bucky. Part of Steve hoped she would keep waiting for Bucky. It was wrong though to want her to wait for someone who had broken her heart, even if that person was his best friend. _You played your own part in this by asking her to work with Bucky. You put them together and told him to take a chance with her,_ thought Steve.

"I spend so much time with David at work and during study sessions I'm shocked we haven't become attached at the hip. We agreed to take a weekend break from each other...however he did tag me on a Facebook post about Harry Potter meeting Dr. Who so clearly there is no getting away from the man. It's not like that between us," said Alison calmly and Steve felt his face flush a bit.

"I didn't mean it like…" started Steve and Alison let out a nervous laugh and tucked a loose strand of long brown hair behind her ear and for a split second Steve was reminded of how she was when they first met.

"I know. It's an old standby habit. After Matt died it seemed like there were far too many people wanting me to date again. And now...well Jenny is already trying to set up a double date-Her and Shawn and me with a guy she knew from SHEILD. People have an odd way of needing others to move on from somethings in a certain way," said Alison.

"I know what that's like," said Steve. He did know what it felt like to try and move on. It was easy on some days and on other days it felt like stopping a freight train. Steve was sure Alison had her fair share of freight train days and yet he was somewhat proud of her for carrying on.

Steve could understand on some level how Bucky's leaving had hurt her. Alison had and maybe she still did love Bucky. While her relationship with him hadn't been long, it had been intense for both of them. Bucky trying to come back to the world that had broken him and Alison trying to figure out if she could be in love again. For his part, Steve couldn't recall Bucky ever looking at anyone the way he looked at Alison. Bucky had confided in Steve that he loved Alison so much it scared him. Steve carried his own guilt about how things had ended between Alison and Bucky. _I should have known someone was going to coming looking for him. I just wanted him to be happy and be part of the world again,_ thought Steve _._ Alison nodded out to Renee and Sophia.

"I really am happy for them. Being in love sits better on some people," said Alison more to herself than to him. She finished her melted drink. "I wouldn't say no to a new drink now," said Alison.

"Maybe I'll even dance with you when I get back," said Steve and went to get Alison another rum and coke. He was waiting at the bar when Natasha sent him a text. _Crossbones is on the move. Source seems legit. Hate to spoil the fun._ It was clearly too much to ask for a nice evening out.

Steve shook his head and brought Alison her drink back. She knew something was up the second he came back. _Clearly her psych nurse training didn't take the night off,_ thought Steve.

"Is everything alright?" asked Alison.

"We got a lead on Rumlow," said Steve. The second that name was spoken it changed Alison entirely. Her green eyes clouded over with unchecked rage, her face lost all color and her hand shook as she sat the glass down. Rumlow had been behind kidnapping her and Bucky. He had been on his way to collect Bucky when they had escaped. For the past six months Rumlow and his gang had been blowing up police precincts and taking weapons and drugs from them and freeing prisoners.

The body count was now up to forty five officers and more than a dozen civilians. That wasn't counting those who had been injured and the property damage done in its wake. It had been decided the next time they got a lead a med team would come with them to help aid in any way they could. Alison was now part of that team based on her time working in an ER and she had been trained to hold her own if things got bad. _And she proved she could,_ thought Steve remembering the dead Hydra agents.

Alison picked her drink back up and chugged it before standing up.

"So I guess that means we have to go," said Alison. Steve shook his head.

"You should be here," said Steve as Alison gathered up her things.

"I'm going to assume a med team is going to be needed since that bastard leaves a mess every time and well I'm part of the med team. Plus it's not fair if you, Sam and Wanda have to leave. They'll understand," said Alison as she went over to Renee and Sophia. Steve sighed and went to get Wanda and Sam to fill them in.

"You know I wish psycho assholes would respect family time," said Sam and Wanda shook her head.

"Well if we catch him we can have more family time. Let's catch him this time," said Wanda and she went to get her coat. Sam looked over to where Alison was hugging Sophia and trying to ignore the side eye she was getting from Renee. Renee had never been big on the whole 'superhero' bit. Even though Alison wasn't on the team that did the fighting, the med team might see its own share of action during clean up

"I want to punch him just once when we bring him in," said Sam going to say goodbye to his cousin and her new wife.

…

"I promise that when you open my gift you'll totally forgive me for leaving early," said Alison giving Sophia a kiss on the cheek. Renee barely fought back the urge to roll her eyes.

"You know when you first signed up you were only supposed to be the psych nurse to one person. Now they have you going on mini missions. You better see a huge bump in your salary," said Renee and Alison felt a tiny stab in her chest. She loved Renee, but she didn't think most of the time before speaking. Alison had been brought into the Avengers to help one Bucky Barnes recover from years and years of Hydra control. At first that was all she did and then she got stupid and sloppy with her feelings. _You let yourself fall in love with him. One of the dumbest things you ever did,_ thought Alison.

Sophia saw the flash of hurt her eyes and hugged Alison again hard. They both knew about Bucky, but Sophia always seemed to be more intune when it came to people's feelings.

"Ignore cranky pants. She's just jealous that you and Sam get to have all these awesome missions together and she's grading papers. Go be a hero baby," said Sophia giving her another kiss on the cheek. Alison looked at Renee who sighed and hugged her.

"Just don't be a stupid hero," said Renee. Alison nodded and stepped aside so Sam could get his own goodbye in. Steve and Wanda were already waiting outside for the car. It was still sort of cold at night so Alison slipped into her spring coat and waited with them.

"How much trouble are you in?" asked Wanda.

"Not much. I made sure I got them a really good present so that might smooth things over," said Alison.

"You helped with all the planning too," said Wanda and Alison grinned,

"Well its part of the American wedding tradition. You sucker your friends in to help with all those annoying and tedious tasks. Then you make them buy a dress they'll never wear again and when it's all done you might get that warm glow of seeing them happy," said Alison.

She was very happy to see Sophia and Renee getting married. It had taken a great deal of willpower for Alison to not start crying during the vows and she normally wasn't a happy crier. Seeing that much love between two people she cared for did make her happy. _It's just not for you. It's never for you,_ spoke up some cold voice in her head. Alison hardly heard that voice in her head anymore, however when it decided to rear its ugly head it did so with vengeance.

For the most part Alison had her depression and anxiety issues under control. It used to be done with medication, but now since the blood transfusion she seemed able to control it without the meds. However the nasty little voice liked to come up and remind her what a mess she had made with one James 'Bucky' Barnes. _He was your patient and you never should have let your feeling for him override your better judgement. Now he's god knows where and is he even alright. Does he miss you too? Knock it off. He left and now we have work to do,_ thought Alison and she simply threw herself into whatever she could to shut that voice up.

Alison liked being part of the team, a small part of The Avengers. This was the right place for her and Bucky had been the one to make the choice to be apart. It was a choice that hurt her deeply. From her personal experience time healed some of the wounds, but they left ugly scars behind to remind you not to repeat your mistakes. _Was it all a mistake though?_ thought Alison. No, not all of it had been a mistake, it had brought here and right now it felt like the right place to be. She was in a place where she could help people and if she spent the rest of her life doing that she could find some sort of peace of mind. _You just do it alone. Love doesn't seem to pan out for you and maybe that's just how it's going to be for you._

Sam joined their group as the car was brought around. There would be time to think later. Right now they had a mission and a part of Alison wanted to ask Sam if she could punch Rumlow in his face for all the hurt he had caused her and Bucky. _For everyone he's hurt,_ thought Alison.


	2. Soul worn thin

"It's a play two card. Blank plus Blank equals profit," said Jenny and she sat the topic card down. Alison looked through her hand and pulled out the two she thought would make Jenny laugh the hardest. They were in Lagos, in a slightly run down hotel room and they were waiting for the call. They had been waiting for the call for almost an hour now and Alison could feel herself getting a bit on edge waiting for the call to come in. It was like the calm before a storm. They had a small radio set up to hear Steve and the others, but currently it was silent.

Alison looked over at Adair who had just sat her cards down and she had the same twitchy look in her light brown eyes. They had both worked in ER's before and there was always this lull before all the shit hit the fan. They were in the lull and the waiting was driving them nuts. Alison looked over at Shawn and Jenny who seemed to be unfazed by the waiting game they were in right now. It was Jenny who suggested the game of Cards Against Humanity to take their minds off the endless waiting they seemed to be in.

Alison wasn't shocked that Jenny had packed the deck in her away bag. She was easily one of the most cheerful people Alison had ever met. Jenny was a good counterbalance to Shawn who always seemed to be a bit too serious at times. Shawn sighed and tossed two cards down before pushing his glasses up. Jenny and Shawn had been recruited into the Avengers by David Dugan. He had been working on training both of them before the fall of SHIELD. Jenny and Shawn had been trained to work in the field and David had gone on more than his fair share of missions during his time in SHIELD.

David, the oldest of them by about ten years sat his cards down and Alison took a quick second to study him. It had been almost four months since the odd incident during New Year's Eve. David had taken a piece of sushi and after consuming it he changed into stone for a few moments. When he turned back into himself he was unbreakable no matter what was used on him it didn't break through.

They had looked and researched together and found more than a few cases of people developing new and odd talents and powers after having some form of fish. She and David had thought about reaching out and setting up meetings with some of these people. However some of them had started disappearing and it seemed best to keep David's gift silent. _It's been a long and strange ride,_ thought Alison has Jenny twisted a strand of her pink hair before taking the cards.

"Alright so Child Beauty Pageants plus Pedophiles equals profit," read Jenny and Alison bit her tongue to stop the giggle while Adair shook her head in disgust. She wasn't a fan of the game, but she joined in to stop Jenny from bothering her.

"You are sick and twisted," said Adair.

"Not mine," said Alison.

"I couldn't help it," said David.

"You need Jesus in the worst way," said Adair.

"Tony Stark plus Daddy Issues equals profit," said Jenny.

"Seemed like a good fit," said Shawn as they all gave him a bit of side eye.

"You do know he signs our paychecks," said Alison.

"Oh come on Ally. You worked with him for almost three weeks and I'm shocked you came back with non gray hair. I heard stories about how he nearly drove other agents at SHIELD to drink and cry," said Shawn, his Aussie accent getting a bit more pronounced.

"Well I can't give him an official diagnosis since he won't agree to sessions, but Daddy Issues might just be skimming the surface," said Alison. Jenny rolled her eyes and read the next set.

"Nickleback plus Kanye West equals profit," said Jenny and she looked at Adair.

"You aren't even trying," said Jenny.

"Look I only agreed to this so you would stop humming Toto's Africa. Which you did on almost the whole plane ride here and the first twenty minutes in this room. I didn't say I would play to win," said Adair.

"I caught the rains down in Africa," sang Alison softly and David snorted and Jenny grinned before flipping the last set over.

"Wow I think we have a winner-Your mom plus Hentai equals profit," laughed Jenny. Alison took the topic card as her prize and drew two new cards. Adair was about to scold her when the radio came to life. They had been stationed here first, while Steve and others looked for other places to set up. Clearly they were now all in place.

"What do you see?" asked Steve.

"Standard beat cops. Small station. Quiet street. Good place for an ambush," said Wanda. Alison sat her cards down, went over to the window and saw the police station with the officers milling about chatting with the civilians. _Let the lead be wrong. They won't stand a chance against a bomb. They aren't thinking of a bomb or a terrorist right this second,_ thought Alison. She had asked why weren't they going to clear the street. _He'll know we're on to him if we do. Our best bet is to get them before the strike. That's why we're going to wait,_ was how Natasha explained it to her.

"There's an ATM around the corner though on the south side," said Steve. "Which means.."

"Cameras," said Wanda.

"SHIELD 101," muttered Shawn has he shuffled the cards.

"Both cross streets are one way," said Steve.

"Compromised escape routes," said Wanda.

"You know I might have paid more attention in tactics lessons if they were taught by Captain America," said Jenny. David came up behind Alison and looked out the window.

"You cool?" he asked.

"I hate waiting like this," said Alison and David patted her shoulder.

"Means our guy isn't afraid to be seen and he isn't worried about making a mess," said Steve. _A mess of people who don't deserve it,_ thought Alison and David's grip tighten on her shoulder.

"I promise if they get him I'll let you jab him good with the longest, dullest needle we have," said David. Alison knew that they were being watched by the others in the room. They all assumed something was going on between her and David. It wasn't and even if things had been different Alison couldn't see her and David together like that. He was a good partner to work with and they both kept each other's newly found talents a secret. They studied together what was happening to them and at the end of the day he understood what it was like to be completely different while trying to pretend everything was normal.

"Do you see the Range Rover down the street?" asked Steve and Alison spotted the bright red rover as Wanda commented on how cute it looked.

"It's also bulletproof," said Natasha. "Which means private security. Which means more guns. Which means a headaches for somebody. Most likely us," said Natasha.

"I hate treating bullet wounds. Give me a clean knife wound any day of the week," said Jenny packing up her deck of cards. It was only a matter of time now, they could all just feel it in their gut.

"You do know I can move things with my mind?" asked Wanda and the group fought back a chuckle at the sass the youngest team member was giving.

"Looking over your shoulder needs to become second nature," said Natasha. It was a slight habit Alison had after growing up in the city. After the kidnapping she had been working with Natasha to fine tune it. _If you had been paying attention maybe you would have noticed something was off before you were kidnapped,_ thought Alison.

"Anybody ever tell you that you're a little paranoid?" asked Sam.

"Why did you hear something?" asked Natasha. David grabbed the radio and pressed it so he could be heard.

"I might have brought it up once or a dozen times," said David.

"Eyes on the target folks," said Steve calmly, but firmly.

"Mom wants us to behave," said David. Alison shook her head as the other laughed a bit before Steve went on.

"This is the best lead we've had on Rumlow in months. I don't want to lose him," said Steve.

"If he sees us coming that won't be a problem. He kind of hates us," said Sam with a hint of bitterness. There was honking outside, but the room they were in didn't have a view of the other side of the building.

"Sam do you see that garbage truck. I need you tag it," said Steve.

"Caw caw," said Alison which got another small laugh from the group. Sam had gotten an upgrade on his wings and new drone like camera he called Red Wing. _Maybe he needs a real bird for his birthday,_ thought Alison.

"Truck is loaded for max weight and the driver's are armed," said Sam.

"It's a battering ram," said Natasha. Alison gave David a confused look that was mirrored on everyone in the room has Steve ordered the others to go.

"What?" asked Wanda also puzzled about what was about to happen.

"He's not hitting the police," said Steve.

"What the hell else is here...shit," muttered Adair as it dawned on all of them what else was nearby.

"A center for diseases," muttered Alison feeling herself go numb.

"Why mess with bullets when you can get a 'Stand' type virus?" asked Shawn.

"Why didn't we didn't think of it?" asked Jenny going pale.

"It wasn't his MO. I honestly thought Rumlow was too stupid to hit it," said David.

"David. Get your team and meet us a block from the center. We'll give you the clear to go in," said Steve. David clicked the radio.

"On it," said David. They all grabbed their bags and quickly made their way downstairs and into the small van that had more equipment if needed. It took about five minutes to get there and another minute for Sam to give them the clear to go in.

"We're in pursuit of Rumlow's team. The people inside were knocked out with a gas attack. You might want to secure any of Rumlow's guys before treatment," said Sam.

Thanks," said David. They drove in and Alison shook her head at the mess. The building look to be shot up and she could see some of the security staff were clearly DOA.

"Damn," muttered Adair. They quickly filed out and went to work. Jenny and Shawn started flexing cuffing the breathing and stunned mercs and kicking guns away. Alison, David and Adair started inside. Making sure people were still breathing and alright to move before trying to take them outside for better treatment. The smell of gas was still in the air and it was making them all a bit lightheaded. They had taken about ten people outside when other paramedics showed up. One of them looked at the group of them and spat on the ground while others just glared. Their gray uniforms with the 'A' on the armbands clearly showed who they were.

"So now they have clean up crews," called out one of the men in English. Alison felt her face turn red and she went back to her patient who was starting to wake up. Adair followed suit, getting an oxygen mask on a man. David made sure his patient was sitting up before going over the lead medic.

"Look we're just here to help. No harm in that and it makes things a bit easier for you guys right," said David calmly even though Alison could see a bit of temper rising in his eyes.

"Wouldn't have a mess if you people stayed home for once," said the lead medic. The other group of medics started heading inside and more than a few cast some dirty looks their way. Alison and Adair headed back inside to get more people out when a large booming sound was heard and it nearly froze Alison in her tracks. She had heard a boom almost like that during The Invasion. _The cars blowing up in front us made a sound like that,_ thought Alison. Her radio went off and it was Sam trying to stay calm.

"We need you guys now! Office building three blocks north. South side of the building. Rumlow blew himself up," said Sam.

"We'll get there ASAP," said David through the radio and Adair went white upon hearing what happened. They ran back to David and he was still getting yelled at by the lead medic has he pushed a stunned Jenny and a very pissed off Shawn towards the van.

"Look! Look! Another mess your people made! Go clean that up now. We'll fix this one," he spat heading towards the building. Alison slammed the van door and Jenny was shaking.

"You alright?" asked Alison and Jenny nodded

"Not used to being yelled at like that I guess. SHIELD didn't train us in dealing with patient or family abuse that much," said Jenny. Shawn gripped her hand and Alison looked out the window has sirens and screaming got louder. The parked a block away and grabbed anything they could carry. They could see the fire, but it was the smell that turned their stomachs and the sounds that made them want to run. A burning smell and the sounds of screaming-screams of pain and pleading.

"What's the plan?" asked Alison shoving the urge to run away down into a hole. She could see the others swallowing that urge to flee down. It was a normal urge to want to run away from danger, they were all fighting that basic instinct and people needed them now.

"You and I will go up and see if we can move people down. Shawn, see if you can get the van closer. We're going to need more supplies," said David and then he pointed at Jenny and Adair. "When you get back I want you with Jenny and Adair to work on anyone who gets out. Frees up people to go back in," said David. Shawn nodded and went back for the van. People were already streaming out of the building, coughing and looking confused.

"Let's do this," said David. Alison shouldered her pack and started working her way with David against the crowd of coughing and crying people coming outside. The lobby was a crush of people and Alison stayed behind David so he could make a path for them to get to the stairwell. The stairwell wasn't much better in moving through the crowd. The emergency lights had flicked on, but people were tripping down the stairs in the confusion. They helped people up and tried to avoid getting run over at the same time. Exiting in an orderly fashion wasn't going to happen. Alison couldn't blame them, she was terrified too. _How many people are hurt? Can they be moved. Can we do anything for them?_ thought Alison

The fire looked to be on the sixth floor from the outside, but the people on the fifth floor and above the sixth would need help too. Alison was starting to wonder if they could get past the sixth floor when she heard the sounds of firefighters ordering people aside when they were spotted. She expected the same hostility has before, but the fire fighters just looked relieved to see them carrying medic bags.

"We have a team outside putting the fire out on the sixth floor. You should be able to get to the fifth floor and we'll handle the sixth floor and above," said the man in accented English.

"Thank you," said Alison. She and David stepped aside as best they could to let the fire fighters up first. They made it to the fifth floor and parts of the ceiling had caved in and water from the hoses and sprinkler system were coming down to this floor. Lights hung in some places and they flickered and sparked before dimming. Office furniture was blackened and turned over. Alison could smell the slight bitter smell of burnt computers and damp papers. They could hear screaming coming from the floors above and below them. This floor was oddly silent compared to everything else.

"Damn," muttered David and Alison saw what looked to an arm, only it wasn't attached to a person anymore. It was clearly a man's arm wearing a blue shirt with a Fitbit on his wrist and the screen was just blinking numbers,

"Hello," called Alison and she moved her flashlight around the room. She was met with a few groans. She moved as quickly as she could through the mess and floor creaked under her feet. She saw a man with a huge gash running from his neck to his abdomen. His hands hung in his lap covered in blood. Alison knelt down next to him and it was clear he wasn't seeing her. He must of have tried to stop the bleeding before going into shock and bleeding out. She had to check though

"Sir," called Alison. She knelt down next to him and tried to get him to look at her, but he was already gone. David shook his head and moved away from a woman who was missing both her shoes and feet. They pressed on and found two people that had been knocked out, but breathing. One had a broken arm and the other had broken ribs, but once they were up they managed to stagger towards the exit.

"Maybe this wasn't a busy floor or people got out when it happened," said David.

"I hope we're that lucky," said Alison. The floor creaked more and Alison hoped they could finish the sweep and either move up a floor to search or get out of the building to help more people.

"Help me," pleaded a faint voice in front of them. Alison moved her flashlight and a woman had her legs from the knees down pinned under a chunks of what was either wall or ceiling. It wasn't her trapped legs that worried Alison the most, it was how clearly pregnant this woman looked. _How many weeks is she?_ thought Alison as she David made their way over to her. Alison knelt down next to her and took her hand while David started studying her legs.

"What's your name?" asked Alison trying to see if woman had other injuries.

"Melia," she said and she winced as Alison checked her ribs. _Damn she broke her ribs,_ thought Alison. Dust was covering Melia's face making it look like she shoved her face in flour for a gross 'white face' comedy show. Alison wiped the dust off her face as best she could as she talked.

"How many weeks are you?" asked Alison and the woman swallowed hard trying not to cry.

"Thirty four. My doctor said I could come and I was with my husband...where is he?" asked Melia and she did start to cry and Alison hoped her husband wasn't the man who had bled out. _Or is a just an arm now?_ thought Alison. Alison looked at David who was trying to figure out how bad her legs were under the rubble.

"We'll find him, but right now we need to take care of you," said Alison. "I know you're in a lot pain right now, but are you feeling any contractions or pain in your abdomen?" asked Alison and she went to exam her further and the woman swallowed.

"Everything hurts right now... Please...please save my baby," pleaded Melia and she passed out. Alison quickly checked her breathing and it was normal sounding despite everything. Alison found Melia was bleeding between her legs along with a small puddle of water. Alison was pretty sure her water had broken and even though Melia wasn't feeling it due to the shock, she was going into labor.

"She's bleeding out. We have to move her," said Alison and David looked at Melia's legs and the way they were pinned.

"Her legs are crushed. We can't move her unless we get this mess off her or cut her legs off," said David and Alison shook her head. _Would the shock kill her or the baby?_ thought Alison. She looked the debris and it didn't look like moving it slightly would cause an issue

"I could try to lift it and you pull her out," said Alison and David looked at the mess of building on her legs.

"It's more than you normally lift," said David thoughtfully.

"We have to try," said Alison. Even if Melia wasn't going into the labor the longer they waited to get her out the worse her leg injuries were going to be. Alison guessed she had been trapped for about fifteen to twenty minutes. Who knew how long it could be before they got anyone else to move rubble. She switched places with David and Melia groaned and stirred.

"We're gonna try to get you out," said David and he brushed back some of the woman's black hair that looked gray due to the dust. He went and half picked Melia up so he could pull her out. Alison took a deep breath. She didn't know how much this weighed, but she had been able to lift almost three hundred pounds with some effort. She took a second to find what would be the best place to grip before lifting the chunk off Melia's legs. It was heavy and it took Alison everything she had to hold it as David pulled Melia back.

The woman's screams nearly had Alison dropping the rubble before she was out. Alison looked to see and nearly cringed. Her legs were just a series of bruises and broken bones. She was going to need surgery to fix the damage in her legs. _Her legs or the baby? What call will the doctors make._ David tried to calm her down as she sobbed. At least she felt the pain in her legs meaning she could still feel which meant her spine and nerves might be alright. Alison took over trying to calm her down while David radioed Shawn to get someone with a stretcher.

"She's also going to need an ambulance ASAP," said David.

"Please don't leave me," pleaded Melia gripping Alison's hand hard. Alison swallowed and looked at David and back to the woman. She was terrified and who knew how long it would take to locate her family or her husband. _Three days. Y_ ou _were in a coma and alone for three days before anyone found you,_ thought Alison. Alison knew she couldn't leave this woman alone right now.

"I'll go with you to the hospital," said Alison. She looked at David expecting him to protest, but he simply nodded.

"They might need some help there with the overflow. Don't leave her unless they need you too," said David. Other medics came in with a stretcher and they helped Melia on it. David was rattling off stats and Melia muttered in a language Alison didn't know.

"We're going to get you help, but you have to stay with us alright," said Alison and Melia nodded. They went back down the stairs while the other medics spoke to Melia in her native language. They other medics didn't fight with her when Alison got into the back of ambulance with Melia.

Before they shut the doors Alison got another look at the chaos going on. It was a sea of ash, people and screaming. _Was it like this in New York when they found you in the road._ The doors slammed breaking her field of vision and they drove off.

_Two weeks later_

Alison looked down at the small bundle of baby and gave Melia a very tired smile.

"He's very handsome," said Alison and Melia returned Alison's tired smile with one of her own. This was the first time the baby boy had been allowed out of the NICU and his mother had been allowed to really hold him. They had done a C section the second they were in hospital and Alison had taken the baby to the NICU while the doctors stitched Melia up and started prepping her for surgery on her legs. It had been Alison who had tended to the baby while other nurses were pulled into surgeries and the madhouse that the bombing had caused. For almost the first twenty four hours Alison stayed with Melia and her son making sure they pulled through.

"His father was a handsome man. I hope he doesn't get his looks for long. I don't want to be chasing crushes out of the yard," said Melia and Alison laughed a little. Melia's husband had been the poor man who she had found dead in the building. Melia had been so out of it she didn't even see him as they took her out of the building. It was the best in Alison's mind that she hadn't seen him that way. _She'll remember him looking happy,_ thought Alison.

"I'm sure he'll get your brains though," said Alison and Melia smiled weakly. Melia was an economist from Wakanka and her husband was an aid representative. They had been asked to go to Lagos as part of an outreach program is what she had explained to Alison once she was off her painkillers and able to talk. Melia was one of the few survivors from the group, it was about four people in all from Melia's group that had lived. Finding the dead had been a slow task and one that Alison was glad to not be apart of.

"I heard you and your people are finally going home," said Melia and Alison nodded. It hadn't been easy to convince Steve to let them stay and at times they had been met with hostile remarks and treatment from some of the locals and even some of the staff here, but a few people were happy to see someone from the Avengers stay after the fact to help with cleanup. She and others had stayed for almost two weeks trying to help with the overflow of patients. Something in them wouldn't let them leave until they were sure everything they could do had been done.

Steve and the others had to get Wanda out before things turned beyond ugly for them. _The poor girl,_ thought Alison. It had taken a bit to get all the information and when Alison had it she hoped Hell had a new level for Rumlow. _Bastard suicide bomber_ ,thought Alison. Wanda had tried using her powers to contain the blast that would have taken out hundreds of people and had lost control of it which sent it into the building. An accident on her part and one that she was being raked over the coals for. _I'll have to talk to her when I get back. She tied her best and it wasn't her fault,_ thought Alison.

"I think the staff is tired of us being underfoot. They have things under control now. I heard you're going home soon too," said Alison and Melia nodded.

"My in laws are coming to get me. I might stay with them for a few weeks before trying to go home," said Melia and she eyed her legs in their casts. It would be months before Melia would be able to walk again. Almost all the bones in her legs had been broken and setting them had taken the doctors hours to do. Had she been trapped longer she would have lost her legs and her son..

"You'll be up in good time. Don't push yourself too hard," said Alison. Melia nodded and Alison kissed the baby on his forehead. "Don't give your mom trouble," said Alison. She turned to go when Melia called out to her.

"Thank you. Thank you for staying with me and everything else you've done. You come from good people and it shows," said Melia. Alison nodded and left the room. She was so tired, both physically and mentally. Staying had been the right thing to do, but god she was tired. She could hardly remember the last time she felt this tired. _Did we do everything we could?_

They had another three hours before they could leave. They didn't need her for rounds since they had just been done and they all had pretty much lived here so they had nowhere else to go. Plus reporters were still hanging around outside wanting sound bites and pictures. Adair had nearly been mobbed when she had stepped out for some fresh air the other day. Alison found a nearly empty hallway and allowed herself to sit on the floor. She let her head rest against the wall and was tempted to just sleep right there when a man spoke from above her.

"I'm very sorry to trouble you, but room 1540 is on this floor?" he asked. Alison looked up to see a striking older man and an equally striking younger man with him. Both were dressed in suits and something about them had her quickly getting up and wishing she had taken a shower since she smelled and her hair was a greasy mess she shoved in a pony tail. They were asking for Melia and Alison wondered if this was the family she had been waiting for. Getting in and out of the area had become a nightmare even for the victim's families.

"It's down the hall and it's the fourth door on the right. I could take you if you want," said Alison and the younger man gave her a smile and took her hand.

"We couldn't trouble you that way, but thank you for offering," he said in a English with an accent Alison couldn't place. When he let let go of her hand, Alison noticed the older man was giving her an odd look and it was when Alison noticed he was eyeing her armband with the red A on it. Alison braced herself for some sort of insult or rebuke to come from the older man. _Maybe it will be in English so I'll understand it this time,_ thought Alison. Instead he took her hand and kissed it.

"The world is full fighters young lady. It needs more healers in it. My country and my people thank you for trying to heal some of the damage," said the older man. Alison was dumbstruck as the pair walked away. _My country,_ thought Alison in her sleep deprived brain.

Alison would learn on the flight home that the younger man was Prince T'Challa of Wakanka and that he older man was King T'Chaka of Wakanka. She would learn this due to a picture that a staffer took of them and sold for an untold amount to a TMZ magazine rip off. It was her looking up at them a second before she got off the floor that started going around all the news outlets and ending up in Bucky's hands.

…...

Bucky carefully cut the picture out of the magazine and put it in his journal. He had been following the story in Lagos since it had broke two weeks ago. He had gone to Mrs. Andon to check a water problem she was having when he heard Rumlow's name from the television. It took everything Bucky had to not break the tool he was holding in his hand and to stay calm to listen to what the reporter was saying. A bomb had gone off in Lagos, that Rumlow had caused it somehow and that the Avengers were on the scene. _Steve,_ thought Bucky and he quickly finished the job so he watch the story. Mrs. Andon offered him a piece of tart and they watched the news together. Somehow reporters were on the scene before medics were and they were piecing things together about what happened, but the images were story enough. People covered in ash and blood fleeing a fire. Bucky saw Steve in his uniform talking to people in fire gear and they looked torn about what he was telling them. _Hopefully they listen to him. Steve always knew how to get people out of a tight spot._

"How horrible," said Mrs. Andon going to make them tea. Bucky looked and nearly choked on the tart. Coming out of the building, holding an injured woman's hand was Alison. She got into the back of an ambulance with the woman and for a brief second he saw the horrified look in her eyes at the scene. Bucky swallowed and tried to recall how she looked in that second he saw her. He hadn't seen her in months and yet she could still turn him inside out. She had her hair up and pulled back. Bucky had never cared for it up. It made her look too serious at times. He liked it when it was down and he could weave his hand through it.

"Are you alright?" asked the older woman sitting the cup down in front of him.

"Just thought I saw someone I knew is all," said Bucky forcing his hand to be steady to pick up the mug. She simply nodded and they had their tea in silence while the news droned on about rescue efforts and what had happened before the explosion.

Bucky went to bed that night and the nightmares were memories of his time with Rumlow. Rumlow had been another handler who seemed to take great pleasure in the fact that Bucky was merely a puppet to be used for anything they wanted. _He pulled his hair and forced him to his knees to use him._ Bucky woke up around two and tried to calm everything that was running his head.

Rumlow was dead and couldn't hurt him anymore and maybe now no one would come looking for him again. _You could go home now,_ thought Bucky. He touched the tags and felt the difference between his tag and Alison's father tag. Becca's ring clinked against the tags and Bucky's thoughts shifted to Alison. Was she alright? That horrified look on her face at the sight of all those hurt people pulled at him. She cared for all those people and she could only help so many of them. _Who helps her though. At the end of the day does anyone help her._ Bucky knew that if she could she would help them all no matter the cost to herself. _That's my girl,_ he thought and a small smile came to him and it faded a second later. _Is she still your girl. You left her,_ thought Bucky dimly.

Bucky followed the story daily and somehow he wasn't surprised that Alison and the rest of the medic team had stayed behind to help anyone they could. The news had a great deal to say about everything the Avengers had done and how they made things worse.

"Now they have people staying behind to clean up after them. I mean these people are doing the best they can, but considering if the Avengers hadn't caused the incident to begin with," said one female reporter.

"I would like to see her trying to do half of what those do," said Mrs. Andon. Bucky had taken to having meals with her so he could watch the news. "My husband was a doctor and he saw his fair share of disasters. He worked so hard and he never felt like he did enough," she said.

"The woman I thought I saw...she was a nurse back in the States," said Bucky and she smiled at him.

"I could never stand the sight of blood. I failed nursing school in a stunning fashion. Have you called her to see if that was her?" asked Mrs. Andon.

"No," admitted Bucky even though he had the phone by his bedside. He would stare at it when he couldn't sleep.

"Things ended badly then?" asked Mrs. Andon. Bucky shrugged before speaking

"I blamed her for things I shouldn't have. It was never her fault though...I made her think it was though. I wasn't good to her in the end," admitted Bucky. He had needed to get that off his chest for sometime now. _She always told you that talking would make you feel better,_ thought Bucky.

"Nothing is ever really over until we're dead," said Mrs. Andon looking at her husband's picture. Bucky sighed and toyed with his mug. "What was she like?" asked Mrs. Andon and Bucky sighed.

"She was nice. She always saw people even when no one else saw them," said Bucky.

"Maybe just once someone could see her," said Mrs. Andon.

…

The following morning when the magazine came out and they had spelled her name wrong, Bucky knew it was Alison in the blurry photo. Her hair was still pulled back in ponytail he sort of hated and she wearing a pair of blue scrubs with an off white armband that had a red A on it. Alison was looking up at the two men and she looked puzzled in the picture. Puzzled and tired was his best guess at what she was in that second the photo was snapped. _Is is sleeping? Is is eating? Is she alright?_ thought Bucky looking at the picture. She had been so tired looking and skinny when they had last seen each other. He remembered putting his hands on her and being stunned by how different she felt. _Before they took us I told her I would take care of her,_ thought Bucky. He hadn't though and he felt a wave of guilt and shame hit him. _She put herself on the line for you and couldn't do the same when she needed it the most._

Bucky sat down on the bed and picked up the phone. He turned it on and was surprised that it had full power. The phone had two numbers programed in, one number was listed under the letter S and the other was under the letter A. Bucky shook his head and punched in another number that he remembered. He needed answers and Bruce could give them him without too much hassle. Bucky had called him after South America to find out if Alison was alright. He wasn't surprised that he remembered the number. Bucky wasn't sure what time is was in New York, but he needed to know.

The phone rang three times before it was picked up and surprised sounding woman answered the phone.

"Hello?" she asked puzzled. It threw Bucky and he fumbled for a second.

"Is...um...is Bruce there? Dr. Banner?" asked Bucky. There was a long pause and the woman spoke again and it became clear to Bucky who it was. _Natasha._

"He's away right now," said Natasha and it was taking her a few seconds to place him. "She's home. It's been a rough two weeks," said Natasha. The silence was deafening in his mind before Natasha spoke up again.

"You made a decision and it hurt her. I think what hurt the most about it was you made it for her, not with her. You didn't give her a choice," said Natasha.

"I did what had to be done," said Bucky harshly and Natasha sighed.

"For you or for her?" asked Natasha. Bucky hung up the phone and put it on the table with a shaking hand.

"Why did you leave?" Bucky turned and sitting at the table was Alison. Well it was the way he wanted to remember her. She was wearing the brown sweater, her hair was down and she looked at him waiting.

"I had too. I was going to hurt you again if I stayed," said Bucky outloud. He knew she wasn't here, but it was almost better than being alone.

"You hurt me when you left. Doesn't it hurt you too?" asked Alison.

"All the time," admitted Bucky looking away. "It's better this way. I'm sorry though," said Bucky. He looked back and she was gone again. _Shouldn't you tell her that you're sorry. Tell the real Alison that you're sorry,_ thought Bucky.

…...

Adair had quit the second they returned back to New York. She simply handed her badge over to David when they got off the jet and she was gone the next morning. Burnout had clearly gotten the best of her and Alison didn't blame her. Alison was tired herself, but she wasn't sure what she would do if she quit. Steve debriefed them when they got off the jet and told them how much respect he had for them and what they had tried to do. Shawn sighed and he and Jenny left the room to get some sleep. David went right to the kitchen and started in on a six pack of Sam Adams. Alison went back to her room and was greeted by Bailey, her black lab. She didn't look very puppy like anymore at six months old, she jumped on Alison and covered her in dog slobber.

"I missed you too sweetie," said Alison rubbing the dog's ears. She wondered briefly who she needed to thank for looking after her dog before stripping off the scrubs the hospital had given her and taking the hottest shower she could stand before falling into bed and sleeping for nearly ten hours straight. She was almost surprised that it had been dreamless sleep. David had told them on the plane that they could skip class this week if they wanted since they had earned the break. Alison was already so far ahead she didn't think missing a week would throw her off that much. She didn't know what she would do with all that free time though. She got dressed and went to check on Wanda, but couldn't seem to find her. Maybe that was for the best right now. Alison was still feeling out of sorts and she knew how sensitive Wanda could be to people's moods and thoughts. _Poor kid has been through enough right now, get your head together and then you can help her,_ thought Alison.

Alison took Bailey for a long walk and gave her a chew bone before heading down to the music room where her drum set was. The set had been a gift from Pepper Potts, Tony hadn't noticed them missing after almost a year. _Maybe he has another one or two set in a storage room somewhere,_ thought Alison. She picked up the drumsticks and let herself slip into the music.

_Time to take her home_

_Her dizzy head is conscious laden._

_Time to take the ride it leaves today_

_No conversation_

_Time to her home her dizzy head is_

_Conscious ladden_

_Time to wait too long, to wait to long,_

_To wait to long_

"Clint tried to teach me and I wasn't a good student," said Natasha. Alison sat the sticks down and sighed. Natasha wasn't one for idle chatter and Alison knew she was being checked on.

"You know someone did a study about the way men and women commit suicide. I hate to say how right they were. I seriously planned everything out before I tried to off myself. I even had meals frozen for my grandfather so he wouldn't have to cook when I was gone," said Alison.

"You didn't want to leave a mess behind," said Natasha.

" I honestly don't think it matters what it is, men have to leave the biggest mess behind just to prove how big their dick is," said Alison. Alison quickly wiped her eyes and sighed.

"I agree," said Natasha. "How are you really?" asked Natasha.

"Just really tired. Trying to tell myself that we did everything we could to make it right. Even though we couldn't make anything right again," said Alison.

"In the Red Room, we were always taught that the aftermath never mattered. No matter how messy it got that was just the way of it. The mission being finished was the goal. Sometimes I miss thinking that way. It didn't hurt so much that way," said Natasha. Alison shook her head at thought and tried to change the subject.

"I could try to teach you," said Alison.

"Maybe some other time. Enjoy your time off," said Natasha leaving the room. Alison played for hours until she was sweated soaked, her hands ached and she was exhausted again. She hadn't noticed Sam coming in and putting a plate of food on a stand until she stopped. Alison forced herself to eat it even though it really had no taste. She went back to her room to shower and feed Bailey when her phone went off. She didn't look at the ID before picking it up or else she would have let the unknown number go to voicemail.

"Hello," answered Alison slightly out of breath. There was silence before someone took a deep breath and a voice spoke up.

"I just...I wanted to know if you were alright," said Bucky.

…...

"Hello," said Alison and Bucky nearly dropped the phone. It was the voice he had been hearing on and off since he had left. She sounded like she had been running or that she had just woken up from a bad dream. _Maybe we get all the bad dreams,_ thought Bucky.

"I just...I wanted to know if you were alright," said Bucky finding his voice.

"Oh my god," muttered Alison and the line went so quiet Bucky wondered if the call had been lost. "I...I'm trying to be alright. Are you alright?" asked Alison softly.

"I guess I'm trying to be alright too," said Bucky. He swallowed hard and listened to Alison breathing on the other line. It had taken everything in him to push that button to call her. It had taken nearly a day to work up the nerve and to force himself not to hang up while he listened to the ringing. Now he didn't know what to say and clearly she didn't know what to say either. _What do you say after six months apart? What do you say to someone who broke your heart,_ thought Bucky.

"That's good. I'm glad that you're trying to be okay," said Alison after what felt like forever. _She would say that. She would want you to be okay no matter what._ The new silence stretched between them and Bucky broke it this time.

"You want to ask me don't you," said Bucky and he wondered what he really wanted from this call. To know if Alison was okay or if she still thought of him. _What if she doesn't anymore. It's what you wanted and now you don't know. What the hell do you want from her?_

"If you want to come home all you have to do is ask," said Alison and Bucky suddenly felt like ending the call and throwing the phone out. "If I thought asking you would do it I would...it won't though. You have to want it for yourself," said Alison and she sounded so drained he wasn't sure what to say or feel.

"I can take care of myself," said Bucky and the silence was back and it was all Bucky could do to not tell her where he was and ask to see her again. Maybe he could tell her was sorry, but leaving was the best he could ever give her. _There is no life with me. I should have seen it sooner, but I thought...I believed I could have one with you and I was wrong,_ thought Bucky.

"That's good….I...whenever you want to come home the offer stands. Take care of yourself James," said Alison and the line went dead. _I miss you and I'm so sorry for what happened,_ thought Bucky. She ended the call and somehow that hurt more than he thought it would. Alison had made a decision and she had made it for him, not with him. _So that's how it feels,_ thought Bucky.

That night neither he nor Alison slept. Across an ocean and time zones they sat awake in their rooms trying to figure out why everything hurt. Bucky went on the roof of the apartment and wondered if he had just hurt her more by calling after all the months apart when he told her he couldn't come home with her. Alison had always wanted him to make choices. _Hydra took those away from you and she wanted you to have them back._ Why would she ask him again to come back when he had already told her no? Bucky twisted the tags and wished she had asked him to come back one more time. There had been a part of him had been angry at her during the last few months on the run. She had found him and for a while she made him believe that life could be normal again. He had been so mad at her when she found him in Spain and tried to get him to come back. He didn't want to come back. Why was that so hard to understand? Now after hearing her voice sound so broken down any anger he had was gone. _I shouldn't have been mad at her. She loved me and she did what I would have done if I was still normal. I would have gone after the person I loved. God I miss you._

Alison sat on her balcony with Bailey and wondered why Bucky had even called her. He had made it clear that he couldn't come home with her. If he wanted to come home, he knew where to find it and her. For the first time since Bucky had left her, Alison found herself angry at him. She needed him and he was nowhere to be found again. Alison twisted her tags and allowed that voice to whisper in her head. _This is how it's going to be for you. You will care for anyone and anything until it breaks you and then you have to fix yourself until you break again. Love isn't for you. I thought you would have got that by now._

"I think I get it now," said Alison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song-Big Empty by Stone Temple Pilots
> 
> Thoughts


	3. Time is circle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could be consider M ish

_The girl had long red hair and sharp green eyes. She took her stance and he could see she was going to go for his right before they even started. He went to block the punch when she came at him with a high kick to his left. Some part in the back of his mind was impressed by how she had tricked him. She was quick, quicker than most of the other girls that had made it this far. Something in him told him that there had been other girls and yet he couldn't recall their faces. Something about her eyes though tugged at the back of mind. He knew her and yet he didn't know anyone. He knocked her down and pinned her to the mat. She looked up at him annoyed and something clicked in his mind and he had to know._

_"Do I know you? You have eyes like her's," he asked. Yes there had been someone else once with green eyes. She had kissed him and he had liked it. The Soldier kissed the girl and tried very hard to remember if she had been the one who kissed him before. He felt her legs wrap around his waist and her hips grind up into his. She quickly flipped him onto his back and the soldier looked up into her eyes. The green eyes._

_"I'm not her," said the girl and now he was even more confused. "I can be whatever you want though," said the girl. Her hands were on his arms and she moved them down to his chest. Was this right? The other girl had been softer somehow; unsure of what she was doing as they kissed. What was her name? He couldn't remember her name._

_"She...she," started the Soldier and the girl silenced him with kisses and touches. He had touched the other girl this way once. The Soldier flipped the girl on her back and began to take her. He had been with the girl this way too. He couldn't remember her name and he couldn't remember this girl's name either. Just their eyes, their green eyes._

Bucky sat bolt right up in bed and was shaking and sweating from his dream. He needed a cold shower and to make sense of what was clearly a memory that he had buried for years. He stripped and got into the freezing shower. _Natasha...the girl was Natasha. Oh god,_ thought Bucky. He hadn't remembered her at all once he had been brought in. Well he remembered shooting her after she prompted him. He remembered the rage he felt towards her in D.C. during the fight on the causeway. Natasha had been kind to him, a bit cold at first considering he had attacked Steve, Tony and Alison during a flashback and then been an asshole to Steve after the fact. However Natasha had been the one to take him to Alison so he could talk to her and apologize.

 _Did she remember me?_ thought Bucky getting out of the shower. He looked at his metal arm, that wasn't a detail you forgot. Did they mind wipe the Red Room girls? No. Natasha had talked about the Red Room when they met for real last year. Why hadn't she said anything? Was she embarrassed? Angry at him for not remembering her at all? Was she ashamed of what happened? He didn't think he had hurt her or forced her to be with him. Not like others had forced him in that way. _She didn't want Steve or anyone else to know,_ thought Bucky.

That made sense to him, but still he wouldn't have told Steve about it. Knowing Steve he would have gotten upset that Natasha hadn't told him sooner about their time in Russia. He might have told Alison when she had been his therapist, but she wouldn't have told anyone either. He wasn't sure if she would be upset or not though about this now. Alison had been very upset when she found out he had been assaulted, but what happened with him and Natasha wasn't like that. He didn't think Alison would be jealous about it, she had been with other guys before him and he had his fair share of girls before her. This was different though for a lot of reasons he would have to think about.

Bucky got dressed and grabbed a journal and wrote the memory down. It had been about a week since he had called to find out how Alison was. Maybe hearing Natasha's voice when he had made the first call had triggered something that had been stuck in his head. He had been dreaming on and off all week about training her. Bucky couldn't remember seeing Natasha after they slept together. Mostly likely he had gotten wiped and shoved back in the freezer.

"You really have a thing for dames with green eyes," muttered Bucky has he went to make himself some coffee. He wasn't going back to sleep so he might has well start his day. Bucky dumped the instant coffee into the hot water and stirred. It was bitter and reminded him of being back in the field during the war. He couldn't find the creamer he liked in the stores here so he just did without.

"Should be used to doing without certain things anyway," said Bucky. He flipped to the journal pages that had Steve and Alison's pictures in them.

"You better be looking after my girl you punk. You're both idiots and well you make a hell of team," said Bucky sipping his coffee. Bucky really wished he had better pictures of them; they didn't look like the people he knew. Steve looked too formal and serious in his Captain America postcard. He could still see Steve as the skinny kid who had the smartest mouth and ink stained fingertips from drawing. Steve could be serious at times, but one quick remark could always leave Bucky laughing till he cried.

Alison looked far too tired and heartsick in that picture. He could see her smile in his mind though, one side of her mouth went up a bit higher than the other and her eyes would just light up when she was really happy about something. _I wonder how she looked when she got the call from me,_ thought Bucky. He wondered if Alison had told anyone about the call and decided she probably kept it to herself like all the other things between them. She told him before they parted ways she wouldn't tell anyone that she had found him and to take care of himself. It was really the bedrock of their relationship if he was honest with himself, her keeping all his secrets and trying to get him to take care of himself

 _If I thought asking you would do it I would...it won't though._ Alison had tried months ago to get to him to come home with her and he said no. Alison knew his answer and didn't need to hear it again. She wanted him to come back on his terms even though it clearly hurt her. He knew Steve wouldn't have taken the no for an answer and would have dragged him back to New York kicking and screaming.

They both loved him in their different ways and at times he could almost understand why they loved him. Steve loved the past they shared together and how they were both people out of their time. Bucky had known Steve from before and so few people knew him that way and cared about him when he was just a skinny punk with nothing. Alison loved him because she saw a future with someone who understood how hard life could slam you down without a second thought. Two very different people looking for a different piece of time with him and he had hurt both of them.

Bucky shut the notebook and put it away on top of the fridge. He left his apartment and knocked softly on Mrs. Andon's door to see if she needed anything before he started his day when he heard a soft moan come from inside. Bucky knocked a little hard and called out to the old woman.

"Help…" she called out weakly and without thinking further Bucky threw himself against the cheap door that broke under his weight. The sound came from the bathroom and Bucky saw she had slipped trying to get out of the bath and now her hip was at an odd angle.

"Mr. Dyer...I'm so stupid," she said and Bucky carefully covered her with a bathrobe before picking her up and moving her to the sofa. She bit back her tears and Bucky wondered if moving her was a bad thing. He called for an ambulance and sat by her.

"It's going to be alright," said Bucky softly and he brushed her back hair from her face. _You did this for Becca when she was sick,_ thought Bucky.

"I can't believe I slipped like a stupid fool. Barely in my seventies and I break my hip like a moron," she muttered.

"It's alright Mrs. Andon," said Bucky and she shook her head.

"You can call me Nora now. You've seen me without my clothes so I think we can go by first names now," she said and Bucky grinned a bit.

"I'm James," said Bucky and she smiled a bit through the pain.

"You don't look like a James," she said as Bucky covered her with a blanket when she shivered.

"My mother thought I did," said Bucky giving her a small smile.

"Did you ever call her? Your friend, the nurse," asked Nora. Bucky sighed a bit and took her hand.

"She's alright," said Bucky.

"Is she or is that what told you?" asked Nora her voice sounding tired. Bucky wasn't sure if she should sleep or if she needed to stay awake till help came.

"She's tough. I'm pretty sure all the women in my life have iron in their spines. I wish they would have left some for me," said Bucky.

"I think you have some in you. You're a good man. Not a lot of people would have stayed this long to care for something old and broken like this building," said Nora.

"I kind of grew up in an old building like this. Reminded me of home a bit," said Bucky. It did remind Bucky of the apartment building in Brooklyn a bit. _I miss that being home._ Nora shook her head.

"Home is people...I thought staying here was a way to stay close to my husband. My children should be my home now. This isn't your home James Dyer," said Nora. Bucky went to say something when he heard the medics coming in. Bucky stepped aside and let them tend to her. She had broken her hip and would need to go to hospital.

"Can you call my children please?" asked Nora as they got her on a stretcher. A medic told him which hospital she was going to before they wheeled her away.

"I'll call them," called out Bucky. He found a her address book and called all three of her children. They all thanked him quickly before hanging up the phone. Bucky repaired the broken door before he went about this normal routine. People on the fourth and fifth floor were moving out today and soon the whole building would be empty. He would have to figure out where to go next and wasn't sure if he should stay in this country, go to a new one or backtrack to France or Germany. _She's not looking for you anymore and even if Steve is he has no clue where to start._ Bucky sighed before heading out to take a walk. _This isn't your home. Do you even have a home anymore?_ thought Bucky. _The offer still stands._ Bucky shook his head and decided to go to the cafe to waste a few hours and he picked up a newspaper to see if there was any more news about Lagos. Even weeks later people were still talking about what could have been done to change the outcome of what happened. _The son of a bitch who caused it could have died sooner,_ thought Bucky. He ordered a coffee and the front page nearly caused him to choke. _Margaret 'Peggy' Carter, Founding Member of S.H.I.E.L.D., Trailblazer for Women, Dead at Age of 95._ The picture next to the headline was a picture of Peggy during the war in her SSR uniform and her hair pulled back neatly. The story went on to detail her early childhood, her work for the OSS, before being moved to the SSR and finally her founding of SHIELD.

 _Carter was preceded in death by her husband Daniel Sosua. She is survived by her two children, seven grandchildren and two great grandchildren. She is also survived by her legacy of fighting for women's rights and equality,_ read Bucky to himself. He took a sip of coffee to try to clear the lump in his throat. Peggy. The sass that came off her nearly floored Bucky the first time he got to speak to her. He had known his fair share of sass from his own sister, but she had a different sort of flavor to her. Bucky smiled to himself a bit thinking about how he had tried to hit on her and she completely ignored him for Steve. _She came into the pub wearing that red dress and everything literally stopped for almost ten seconds. Geez Steve looked like he was gonna faint when he saw her and I'm surprised my eyes didn't pop out their sockets. I only saw a good looking dame and she only saw Steve's skirt chasing best friend that night. We got to know each other though and we were just people wanting to do the right thing,_ thought Bucky.

It must have hurt Peggy deeply to know the thing she created to try and keep people safe was taken from her and used by Hydra in secret for all those years. Bucky wondered if Steve had told her that he wasn't dead after SHIELD fell. That he had been used by Hydra to ruin the things she loved. _Like Howard. You killed Howard. Why? Why did they want him dead?_ Bucky took another sip of his rapid cooling coffee and forced himself to stay calm and act normal. It wouldn't be good to have a memory or flashback out in public. He picked up his paper and left the cafe to head for the apartment.

Bucky had never questioned why he was assigned the targets he was assigned while with Hydra. They were just assignments that needed to be done and to not do them was not in the cards. However after being on the run for over two years he had given the why of the assignments thought. Some were very clear in his mind now-President, religious leaders, military leaders needed to be taken out to make room for more of Hydra's people. Others were reporters or whistle blowers, people who would expose the cover ups and had to be taken out and used as warnings to others. Some like Howard Stark didn't make sense to Bucky. _Did Howard know something?_ Bucky shut the door to his apartment and fell on the bed to let his thoughts run over that night. _I caused the crash, Maria was already dead...I killed Howard. Did he know it was me? I took something._ Bucky sat up in his bed as the thought came to him. He had taken something from Howard's car that night. _Blue...it looked like blue blood of some sort._ Bucky grabbed his journal and started writing quickly. His therapy with Alison had stopped before they could really dig into his time with Hydra. She had been looking for another doctor for him, but she and Steve were very picky about who should know he was alive. He had taken something from Howard's car and it looked a like whatever Zola had injected into him during his time in Italy. _Super Soldier Serum? Is that what I took? Why did they make more of it?_

"Because they wanted another Steve," scoffed Bucky sitting the journal aside. _What happened to the serum?_ Bucky picked up the newspaper and tore the story about Peggy out to add to his journals. It had made front page above the fold news and the story under it skipped Bucky's notice. Something about the UN and a signing of the Sokovia Accords.

Bucky thought about how Steve must be taking the news and wondered if calling him would make it worse or better. Everyone that he and Steve had known during their youth was gone now. _All he has from his past is you,_ thought Bucky bitterly. Until last year he wasn't sure who Steve really was and before that he had nearly killed him. _He was willing to give his life for you and you just left again,_ thought Bucky. _I should have asked how Steve was when I called. Then again Steve keeps everything so bottled up; Alison wouldn't have been able to tell me one way or another._

Bucky picked up the paper up to see if there was anything else about Peggy and a story on the third page caught his attention. _Avenger Rescue Team to be Honored at Accords Ceremony._ Bucky read it quickly and felt an odd sort of pride come over him.

_The team is to be honored at the United Nations in Vienna tomorrow afternoon for the role they played in trying to save victims during the incident in Lagos last month. King T'Chaka of Wakanda will present the team with medals honoring their service. The team includes: Shawn Calhoun RN, Jennifer Castine RN, Alison Conley RN and David Dugan APRN._

" _We're humbled and honored to be accepting this. We're not heroes and we did what we could do at the time. We weren't the only ones there and they deserve this honor just has much as we do," said Dugan during a phone interview with NPR._

" _It was the right thing to do and we would all do it again in second. Like David said, we're not heroes, but those people needed our help and at the end of the day all that matters is doing the right thing for people who need you," said Conley._

Bucky smiled and suddenly felt tears burning his eyes. His girl, the only one who saw him when he was alone in the world, was still that person after everything that had happened. Despite the hurt, despite the pain and loneliness all these months apart must have put on her. That part of her that saw people was still there and he wondered if anything would change that in her. _I thought if I stayed you would lose that part of yourself. You looked so broken when you left I was worried that I had ruined that part too. It was an impasse, but I left to keep you safe. Doesn't help that you go running into bombed out buildings. You did it though to help those people because that's who you are and who I fell in love with._

After the call he worried that Alison was just telling him what he needed to hear to spare him. She told him she was trying to be alright and he had started to wonder if she really was trying to be alright. She hadn't looked alright when he last saw her. Looking back on their very short conversation he shook his head, she had spoken more and tried making sure he was alright even though he had called to check on her. _Does she still love you or was she asking because it's who she is?_ thought Bucky. That thought hit him hard and Bucky quickly wiped his eyes. He left because he was a danger to her and it would be the best thing for her. _I didn't want her to love me anymore,_ thought Bucky.

"I still love her though," muttered Bucky.

He tore that story out and read it again. Alison was coming to Europe with the medical team to be honored. _Hell she might even be here already,_ thought Bucky and it made his chest tighten. Would Steve be with them? Of course he would, he would want to see the team be honored and by a king no less for what they had done. Of course there was also Peggy's service. Steve would need to be there for that and nothing would change that.

If he packed now, Bucky was sure he could get a bus to Vienna and then...then what. Go up to Alison in the middle of the UN and ask if Steve was really okay. Tell her that he was so damn proud of her and that he was sorry for leaving. Leaving not once, but twice. _Have her come to you. Tell her you need to talk and she'll come. It might take her time to get away from the others, but she won't tell you no. She'll want to help you._

Bucky swallowed a lump in throat and doubted himself about this plan. Alison could tell him no now. She wasn't his nurse or his lover and she didn't owe him a damn thing. She could come because she cared and was worried about him. _Would she come because she still loves you. The only way you're going to know to anything is if you call her and get her to come to you. Call her tomorrow and tell her you need to see her. She'll come because it's who she is,_ thought Bucky.


	4. Time to say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small shout outs to the AOS and rest of the MCU

"And then we created a portal and tiny green men came out of it," said Franklin and Alison shook her head.

"What?" asked Alison and Franklin patted her arm.

"I just wanted to see if you were paying attention to anything I've been saying for the last ten minutes. You didn't look like you were here completely. Take anything you want to share with me?" asked Franklin and Alison let out a small laugh.

"Oh you know if I did have anything really good I would share it with you. Just annoying thoughts is all," said Alison. Franklin was back in town and using the HQ labs for a few minor tests before heading up to Boston to teach again. They were taking Bailey for a walk around the grounds and despite the sunshine, her dog and her best friend from her time in the hospital by her side, all her thoughts were on a thirty second phone call from a person she had failed. _He failed you too;_ spoke the bitter part of her brain.

"Ah yes all the unwanted attention from trying to do the right thing. It will pass. Just give it another week and the press will move on to some Hollywood tart sending dirty pictures and you my dear can fade back into the shadows of being a decent person," said Franklin and it put a rare and real smile on her face for a second.

The press had been digging into finding out who she and the rest of the team were. Maria had been getting requests to interview them, which had been turned down. Alison was grateful her cell was unlisted and hadn't been found yet. She did have to delete her Facebook page after a reporter had found it and used a picture of her and Matt for a background piece on the team. They ran what they had on all of them and it was annoying and such an invasion of their lives.

"They had no right to talk about Matt and your history together though. Or about David's grandfather or anything else for that matter. I think you should send those lawyers Stark has floating around and sue just to be annoying," said Franklin taking her free hand and squeezing it.

"It's that and…." Alison cut herself off and Franklin looked at her seriously.

"Something else is beating around in that brain of yours. You can tell me...after all there are few secrets between us as it is," said Franklin giving her a kindly smile. It pulled at Alison and she felt like if she didn't let something go she was going to crack. _Just tell him everything and maybe you won't be so mad anymore,_ spoke up some rational part of her brain.

"I've been keeping different secrets from a lot of people lately. I thought it would be easy and at first it was. Now I'm not sure if there is a difference between lying and keeping a secret anymore," said Alison. She let Bailey off her leash to run around the field and they took a seat on a bench. Alison told him everything that had happened since October. She talked until her voice hurt and she had bruises on her hands from digging her nails into her palms as she talked.

"And then out of nowhere he calls me and it took everything in me to not yell at him. He left me and he has no intention of coming back and well it's been awhile since I've been this mad Franklin," said Alison.

"Well it's a lot for any one person to make sense of, but we'll try too. Are you mad at yourself or him?" asked Franklin calmly.

"Both I guess. He left because he thought it was going to protect me. I don't want or need someone protecting me. I thought...I should have quit the second I felt that way towards him. I shouldn't have taken the job to start with. I knew I was going to screw it up," said Alison. Franklin took her hand and held it.

"Well you've had a busy seven months so I'm not surprised it took you this long to realize you were mad and some of the reasons are valid. I know you don't think you need protecting, but wanting to protect the person you love is just one of annoying traits we have to deal with. Someone like James Barnes would see leaving you behind as the greatest expression of his love for you. To hurt you now would spare you a greater hurt later. It's stupid, but that's what it is in his eyes," said Franklin.

"So what are my non valid reasons?" asked Alison.

"You didn't screw up by feeling that way again. I know how much you hated feeling the loss after Matt's death and well this is almost like death from a thousand cuts. He left and despite how you parted there was no closure. He might come back, but not love you anymore while you love him to the bitter end. He might not ever come back, he'll love you till he dies and you might find someone else and let him go. He could come back and you two could start over again. The possibilities are endless and are driving you mad dear," said Franklin.

"I don't know how to let him go. I thought I could enjoy what we had and be done with it. I reached that point with Matt and I thought I could do it again. Guess I was only fooling myself," said Alison.

Yes. She had been fooling herself for some time now. How could she let go when she still slept in the bed they had shared? Being here was an endless reminder of him and what she felt for him. She touched her necklace and felt his dog tag next to her father's. _He gave this to me when I was his. I'm not his anything now,_ thought Alison. She was waiting and she didn't know why she waiting. _Why wait for someone who isn't coming back?_

"Maybe a change...a real change is what you need," said Franklin. "I couldn't stay in the city after my son died. I kept seeing him or his friends with their children and it hurt too much. It was too much and honestly this is as close to the city as I like being," said Franklin.

"I love New York. Its cliché and I know it, but it's a part of me. I never really thought about leaving. I've traveled, but I never thought about making home anywhere else," said Alison. She hadn't either and it nearly broke her and Matt up at one point. He knew some people out in L.A. that could get him a studio job and she told that she had no intention of moving that far away from her grandfather. It was a long and bitter week between them, however he admitted that he loved her more than his music and if she wanted to stay they would stay. She told once her grandfather passed they could come back to the idea of moving away. They agreed and he never seemed upset with her about it.

Now, Matt was gone and her grandfather was gone. Renee and Sophia were thinking about moving out the city. Sarah was thinking about taking up a mission with the church for a year or so and Matt's family had moved down South for Rachel since she had switched schools. Sam was her only real tie to the city now.

"I think you might like Boston if you give a try," said Franklin and Alison gave him a look.

"Drop that hint any harder it might break," said Alison and Franklin grinned.

"I'm simply suggesting that you might enjoy a change and you wouldn't be all alone during it. You might even be able to finish your degree at any one of the schools they have around there. You don't have to jump into anything right now, but think about it. I know you care about him and figuring it out what you feel isn't easy. It never is," said Franklin.

"Thanks for listening. I promise I'll really think about it," said Alison. Her phone chimed and it was David texting her. _Dad is here and he wants to see us. Brace yourself he came armed. The big meeting room now._ Dad was code for Tony and Alison was puzzled by what the armed remark was about. Alison called for Bailey and the dog came bounding over.

"I'm being paged. Could you take her back to my room please?" asked Alison.

"Of course," said Franklin and they started heading back in. "If you feel comfortable with it, I would also like to see the work you've done on yourself since the transfusion. I don't think they ever considered a woman for Project Rebirth and you only got a small dose of a diluted serum and no Vita Rays, but you say the side effects are similar in nature," said Franklin.

"Yes and no. I'll show you after I figure out what Dad wants," said Alison. "Thank you for not being weird about it. I haven't told a lot of people yet for reasons," said Alison.

"Not everyone can be trusted to handle the different and new. I look forward to seeing your work and it stays between us," said Franklin. Alison hugged him before heading upstairs. It felt good to get so much off her chest and whatever was waiting for her couldn't be that bad. It would only take ten minutes for that thought to be thrown out the window.

In the span of ten minutes Alison was in a meeting with her medical teammates and all the Avengers. The meeting was called not by Tony as she first thought, but by the Secretary of State, Thaddeus Ross. Alison looked at Sam confused before taking her seat and he looked just as puzzled as she was.

"Before we begin I feel that congratulations are in order for your medical team," said Ross and Alison saw Jenny shrug and David sighed.

"We just did our jobs and honestly we would like our privacy now," said David coldly and Ross shrugged.

"Your job saved the lives of civilians and the Wakanda government and UN feel that your efforts should be recognized. They've requested and I've agreed on your behalf that you are to be honored at a UN ceremony in three days," said Ross. Shawn and Jenny looked dumbfounded and David looked annoyed.

"Well now we'll look like jackasses if we don't attend," said David.

"Mister Secretary...we're flattered, but really this is way too much right now," said Alison. Ross gave her a condescending smile and went on speaking like they were children.

"All the arrangements have been made and I expect you there and looking presentable," said Ross eying them. Shawn had clearly just woke up and was unshaven and Jenny had her pink hair in a sideways ponytail. Alison looked down at her old Weezer shirt and flushed. _Well I wasn't planning on meeting the Secretary of State this afternoon. Maybe I'll pull out a Clash shirt for the UN. God what a prick,_ thought Alison seeing Jenny flush and Shawn give David a look.

"Anything else?" asked David through barely clenched teeth. Alison had never seen him so annoyed before and wondered what was really upsetting him.

"No," said Ross. Alison stood up to leave. "Actually I would you like you and Mr. Dugan to stay for the rest of the meeting."

Jenny gave her a worried look over her shoulder as she and Shawn left the room. Alison took her seat again and tried to figure out what was going on. Wanda looked ill at ease and Alison sighed internally. Wanda had been the target of some rather shitty media attention lately and it was wearing on her even if she wouldn't come out and say it. Wanda had been avoiding her and Alison wondered if she could be any help to her at all.

"Five years ago I had a heart attack. I dropped right in mid swing during the best golf game I ever had. However thirteen hours and a triple bypass later I found something that forty years in the Army failed to give me. Clarity," said Ross. _Is there a point to this and are we going to get to it today,_ thought Alison. She wasn't liking the vibe in the room. On the surface it seemed fine, but she was at a table of master poker players. _Shit is about to go down and I have no idea why I'm here,_ thought Alison.

"The world owes the Avengers an unpayable debt. You have fought for us, protected us and risked your lives for us. While a great many see you as heroes, there are some that would prefer the term vigilante," said Ross.

"And what term would you use Mr. Secretary?" asked Natasha. A bowl of top cream wasn't as smooth as the tone Natasha took and Alison wondered if that was taught in the Red Room.

"How about dangerous," shot back Ross. "What else would you call an Enhanced, US based group of individuals that ignore sovereign borders and inflict their own will, whenever they chose without regard to civilian life and property?" asked Ross. Alison felt her face get even redder and she noticed Steve looking around at them. Alison caught David's eye and he looked ready to say something, but was holding it back out of respect for Steve. Ross clicked on a screen and Alison felt herself go numb as it showed the attack on New York. She had to force herself to breathe. She hadn't had a panic attack in months and it was through will alone she didn't run from the room as that day started slamming into her thoughts. Ross also showed the damage done in D.C, Slovakia and finally Lagos. Alison was aware of Steve looking at her and then turning his gaze to Wanda.

"Alright. That's enough," said Steve and there was just enough of an edge in his voice to make Alison worry that Steve was going to snap. _We've all been under so much and don't you understand that any of us here would give anything to fix all of those events so no one died,_ thought Alison.

"For the past four years you've operated with no supervision and unlimited power. That's an arrangement the governments of the world can no longer abide by. However we might have a solution," said Ross and his assistant pulled out a stack of thick books and put them on the table.

"The Sokovia Accords. Approved by one hundred and seventeen counties. It states that the Avengers will no longer be a private organization and will operate under the United Nations panel and will only engage if and when the panel approves," said Ross. Almost everyone at the table looked stunned, only Steve and Tony were unreadable to Alison. Steve's tone spoke volumes though.

"The Avengers were formed to make the world safe. I feel that we have done just that," said Steve and Ross gave him Steve that condescending smile.

"Tell me Captain can you tell me where Thor and Banner are? Or how someone on your medical team was able to lift rubble that should have taken a team move?" asked Ross giving Alison a look that made her blood freeze. "If I misplaced nukes or had some extras floating around that shouldn't be, I would be hearing about it," said Ross. He went on talking about compromise and Alison felt Sam grab her knee under the table and squeezed it. She looked at him and he looked beyond pissed.

"So there are contingencies?" asked Rhodey.

"Three days from now in Vienna, after your medical team is honored, the UN will ratify the Accords," said Ross. _Three days? That hardly gives us any time to consider the choices...that's what they want. A rush job to smooth things over and they'll fix it later,_ thought Alison. She saw how Steve looked at Tony and how Tony wouldn't really meet Steve's gaze. _Holy shit, did he know the whole time? Did he go behind our backs to work this out?_ Alison didn't want to think Tony would do that, but she had heard the full story on Ultron and knew that while Tony's heart could be in the right place, he rushed everything and would try to fix any issues it caused later. Ross went to leave when Natasha asked the question that was burning in Alison's head.

"What if we come to decision you don't like?" asked Natasha.

"Then you retire," said Ross firmly before heading to the door.

"Tell Blonsky I said hi," called David in a sing song voice. Ross paused and gave David a scathing look which David returned with a huge smile before leaving them. Alison picked up one of the thick books Ross had sat down and started reading. _Well aren't you impressed with how amazingly wrong you were about this,_ thought Alison. Steve picked up his own copy and sighed.

"Let's read through some of this and see what we think," said Steve. Most people grabbed a copy. Tony had his eyes closed and was laying on the sofa, but no one said anything. Alison wasn't too impressed with what she was gleaning from this proposal and she was about forty pages in. About twenty minutes in Rhodey sat his copy aside.

"So do we sign now or go to Vienna and sign this in the person?" asked Rhodey getting up to get some coffee. Sam turned and looked at him.

"Are you playing right now?" asked Sam and Rhodey stopped.

"No. I'm signing and I don't why this is up for a discussion at all," said Rhodey. It went even further downhill as the two started to bicker.

"I don't trust that man any further than I can throw him and to have him tell me who I can and can't save isn't going to happen," said Sam.

"Secretary Ross has a Congressional Medal of Honor which is one more than you have," said Rhodey.

"So let's say we agree to this thing? How long before they come in here and LoJack like we're criminals?" asked Sam.

"One hundred and seventeen countries want this," said Rhodey.

"You know I wonder if Ross will tell Blonsky I said hi," said David in a super cheerful voice. Rhodey and Sam looked confused as did everyone else. David's grin simply got bigger and his voice got even more upbeat.

"Oh you don't know about Blonsky. Well...it's a great story. So back when Ross was just a General and had a super creepy boner for catching Banner he brought this Royal Marine into the mix by the name of Blonsky. Ross somehow talks this guy into juicing up with Gamma Radiation to help get Banner. Doesn't sit right with him and Blonsky starts losing his shit. After he and Ross nearly blow up a college campus trying to get Banner, Blonsky juices up some more with Gamma Radiation. Doesn't go well for him and he turns into a gray, even uglier version of our Jolly Green Giant. Ross talks Banner into taking him out. It only broke a few blocks of Harlem, but whatever. Than to really top it off, Ross blames Banner for the whole thing. Says the gray guy was all good. I think they locked him up in pen in some in Alaska," said David. His grin faded and his tone got serious.

"I was at SHIELD on the clean-up crew when that mess went down and Ross pulled every string he had to pull to get out of that shit storm. The only reason he is Secretary of State is because someone owed him something big. And if you think for one hot minute he's going to be fair with us than you are a bunch of idiots. I'm not working with that man at all. His own daughter doesn't speak to him after the shit he pulled with Banner. He's already tried screwing over one member of the team. Repeatedly. I'm not okay with this at all," snapped David. Alison had never heard him sound so pissed off. Then again she wondered how Bruce would feel reporting to man who tried to frame him for breaking Harlem.

"I have an equation," said Vision.

"Oh this is gonna help," said Sam rolling his eyes.

"In the eight years since Mr. Stark revealed himself to be Iron Man the number of known Enhanced persons has increased exponentially. During the same period, the number of potentially world ending events as risen at a commensurate rate," said Vision.

"Are you saying it's our fault?" asked Steve calmly looking up from his book.

"I'm saying that there may be causality. Our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict breeds catastrophe," said Vision. _Fear is the path to the Dark Side,_ thought Alison recalling a Yoda-ism and barely keeping it in her head as Vision went on.

"Oversight cannot be dismissed out of hand," said Vision.

"Boom," said Rhodey looking at Sam who rolled his eyes again.

"Well oversight might work for us, but what about the others out there?" asked Alison.

"What?" asked Rhodey.

"Um the others. Like the Daredevil, or that Punisher guy or whatever they have in Queens right now running around stopping muggers. Are they part of this deal too and if so do they work with us or create a whole new team within the Accords?" asked Alison.

"You have been listening to way too much Trish Talk if you believe in that nonsense out of Queens and Hell's Kitchen. Not to mention Frank Castle was a cold blooded murderer who killed gang bangers and mob bosses," said Rhodey.

"So the nurses, doctors and EMT's I used to work with are just making up shit about how people have been coming in beat to hell and back talking about a man in a red suit that wasn't Santa Claus?" said Alison. "Not to mention there are others like David out there. Are we going to be working with this ATCU group the President was talking about last week? What are they doing with those they already claim to have in custody? I understand why people are scared and angry...after the Invasion…" Alison cut herself and regrouped quickly. "We're rushing into this and I don't see why we can't have a little more time to think. Why can't they meet us somewhere in the middle?" asked Alison.

She caught Sam giving her a slight smile and David gave her a nod of approval. Rhodey looked annoyed and Natasha turned to Tony who was still laying on the sofa.

"You are being uncharacteristically non hyper verbal," said Natasha.

"It's because he's already made up his mind," said Steve sounding a bit disappointed. For the most part the day to day operations were handled by Steve. Tony came in on occasion to make sure things were running alright. Both men were invested in the successful running of the Avengers, but to a different extent. _This team and what it represents means so much to both of them though,_ thought Alison. _They'll agree on something because it's what's best for the team._

"Oh you do know me so well," said Tony getting off the sofa and rubbing his head. "Actually, I'm nursing an electromagnetic headache. Our resident psych nurse can tell you how painful they are. That's what going on, Cap, It's just pain," said Tony going over to kitchen for coffee. He started prepping a pot when he sat his phone down and pulled up a picture of a young African American man.

"That's Charles Spencer, by the way," said Tony quickly. He started talking about how Charles was a computer guy who had a job lined up after he finished school, but before he started he decided to see the world.

"Charles didn't go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do," said Tony getting more upset has he talked. "He decided to build sustainable housing for the poor. Guess where. Sokovia. He wanted to make a difference and we won't know because we dropped a building on his head while we were kicking ass."

 _Matt broke his neck when the car flipped, it was quick. He might have felt something for second before dying. Was it quick for Charles Spencer too? Was he trapped and crying for help?_ Alison pushed those thoughts away when she caught Wanda looking at her.

"There is no decision making process here," said Tony coolly. "We need to be put in check! Whatever form that takes, I'm game. If we can't accept limitations, we're no better than the bad guys," said Tony.

"If someone dies on your watch, you don't give up," said Steve.

"Who said we're giving up?" asked Tony.

"We are if we're not taking responsibility for our actions. This document just shifts the blame," said Steve. Alison wasn't sure what to say when it came to blame for these events. She had barely made it out of one and it had changed her life and other lives around her forever. _Who would I be if Matt was alive? Would his parents still be married? Would Sam have gone to D.C. after being discharged? God so many what if's._

"You'll saying they come for me. They'll come for Alison and David too," said Wanda snapping Alison's attention back to the conversation.

"We would protect you," said Vision firmly and Wanda looked at him sadly. _Poor kid is blaming herself for the state of the world. They would have found something to push this on us. They were just waiting for a reason,_ thought Alison.

"Maybe Tony's right," said Natasha and Alison swore she heard a record scratch. "If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer," said Natasha.

"Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?" asked Sam stunned.

"I'm just reading the terrain. We've made some mistakes and we need people to trust us again," said Natasha.

"Wait. Did I just hear you agree with me?" asked Tony.

"Oh I want to take it back now," said Natasha.

"No. The case is closed and I win," said Tony almost sounding like his normal self. Alison heard a faint ding and saw Steve look at his phone and he went pale.

"I have to go," said Steve and he quickly left the room.

"Well that wasn't odd or worrisome at all," said David.

"I'll see what's going on," said Alison almost eager to leave that room and the tension she felt in it. She ignored Tony calling after her about Vienna and went to find Steve. She found him hunched in the stairwell and crying. A part of Alison wanted to walk away, sometimes you just needed a second to be alone. Maybe it wasn't one of those times though and she went up to him quietly.

"Steve," said Alison softly and he jerked his head up quickly and wiped his eyes. "What's wrong?" asked Alison and Steve took a deep breath before speaking.

"It's Peggy...she's...she's gone," said Steve struggling not to cry again.

"Oh...I'm so sorry," said Alison. She had known Sharon's aunt hadn't been well for some time now, but knowing never made it any easier on loved ones. "Do you want...do want some space right now?" asked Alison.

"I don't know really," said Steve and Alison nodded.

"Come upstairs to my office and we can talk if you want," said Alison. He nodded and they managed to avoid people on the way up to her office. Alison shut the door and started heating up some water for tea. Steve went over to the window and looked outside. Alison had always liked spring in the city and it was shaping up to be a nice one. However when your grief is fresh the sunshine seems like a cruel joke. _How can things go on when someone you care for is gone,_ thought Alison. She sat down with her cup of tea and put one on the table for Steve. It was a good ten minutes before Steve spoke.

"I never got to take her out for that date...it was the first time I ever asked a girl out and I stood her up. When I came back and realized how much time had passed I couldn't help but wonder if she ever went to club and waited for me." said Steve. "I went to where the club used to be and they turned into an office building...I couldn't even take her there when I came back," said Steve. He came and sat down in the chair that Bucky and Wanda used and looked a little broken.

"I was happy though that she moved on and had a life. It was just...she saw me for when I was me," said Steve sort of gesturing to himself and Alison nodded. "I like the friends I have now, it's just….I keep thinking if the times were different we would have known each other...I think you would have liked me and maybe Sam. I don't think I ever would have ever crossed paths with Stark if it wasn't for Project Rebirth so I wouldn't know Tony. Bucky damn near begged me not to enlist that night and if I had just gone with him...we wouldn't be talking right now," said Steve.

"I know I would have liked you. You're a good person and who knows what would have been if I had born in 1910 instead of 1985. I know what's it like to come back and feel...to know this is the wrong life. It wasn't the life you asked for and trying to deal with it sucks. I know you'll miss her and well you're going to always miss her. It's alright to miss her though," said Alison.

"What do you miss about him?" asked Steve and for a second she thought he meant Bucky. "What do you miss about Matt?" asked Steve.

"Hearing him play. The day before he died I got off work and went over to where the orchestra practiced to pick him so we could take my car in and run errands. They were working on getting a show together for the summer and the theme was Movie Soundtracks. I went in and he was in the middle of playing this amazing piece and something about that piece...I nearly started crying it so was pretty and Matt was just so in the music. I could tell that nothing else in the world existed for him and nothing else was there but that piece of music when I was listening to it. I miss that more than anything," said Alison.

"Peggy had this perfume. It wasn't over flowery like what most girls wore at home it was almost like mint and something else I could never figure out. The night we got back after we lost Bucky I finally worked up the nerve to ask her what it was. I just wanted something else to think about for a second." said Steve and he almost smiled. "She said used fruit peels from the kitchen and mint from her garden mixed with water since perfume was a luxury item.. I walked her home and she invited me in for tea and on her counter were day old peels from a lemon and some apples with a bunch of mint drying," said Steve and Alison nodded.

"It's normal to grieve and move on, but things like that shouldn't be forgotten. It's what makes those relationships special," said Alison. Steve nodded and looked out the window. .

"What was the name of the piece Matt was playing. I would like to hear it," said Steve and Alison let out a nervous laugh.

"Honestly he told me and I forgot. We had so much to do before the wedding and I was going to ask him what it was before the show and...that why you shouldn't forget those things," said Alison and Steve nodded and it was quiet for a while between them.

"If you really don't want to go to that ceremony I'm sure something could be done," said Steve finally and Alison shook her head.

"It would be rude to not go and make all of us look like asses. I'll suck it up and go. I am disappointed that I won't be able to wear any of my fun shirts," said Alison gesturing to her own shirt and getting a small smile from Steve.

"I put all of you in a bad position. I should have known what Rumlow was going to do and stopped it before it happened. He started talking about Bucky and I froze," said Steve. Alison froze herself for a second and shook it off.

"What did say?" asked Alison.

"That he remembered me and that it upset him until they used the shock treatment on him. He's out there and...what if they have him again?" asked Steve. Alison felt a heavy weight in her chest looking at how upset Steve was. Steve had already lost Peggy and now he thought Rumlow had gotten ahold of Bucky again. _You need to tell him. It might help him to know that Bucky is alright._

"I promise you that he's fine and out there somewhere. They don't have him and...he just needs to be alone now," said Alison. Steve looked at her puzzled and Alison felt like a child with her hand in the cookie jar.

"You said you lost him in Spain...I knew you were holding something back. Are you holding something back now?" asked Steve. She couldn't hide it from him any longer and maybe it would ease something for Steve if he knew Bucky was alright. Alison told Steve most of what happened between her and Bucky, she left out that they had slept together before telling her he couldn't come back.

"I gave him a burner phone. I had ditched mine and planned to use that one to call in when I found him. I put our numbers in and told him to call when he was ready to come home. He called about a week ago...just to check in, but he's not ready to come back yet," said Alison and Steve glared at her.

"You know you aren't his nurse anymore so you can tell me what's going on with him without waiting," said Steve sharply.

"I told him I wouldn't...it wasn't easy not telling you," said Alison. "He just...I don't know. He's worried about hurting us and this is what he wants. We can't change that," said Alison.

"You could have told me and we could have brought him home," said Steve.

"And lock him in his room or what, Steve...he chose to leave," said Alison and she wasn't sure who those words hurt more.

"I have to get ahold of Peggy's family to see about the arrangements," said Steve and he got up and left her office shutting the door hard.

The next two days were nothing but activity in planning for going to Vienna and constant talking about the Accords. Steve refused to look in her direction and Tony's badgering about how she needed to sign if she wanted to stay on the team was wearing Alison's nerves thin. She tried getting them to see it from both sides and it got her nowhere. She didn't agree with all the Accords and she didn't think it would be that terrible. _You've been wrong about that before._ Alison tired seeing how Wanda was doing and was shut out completely. Sam had started packing his stuff to move out. He was going with Steve to Peggy's funeral and after that he wasn't going to be an Avenger anymore. Alison didn't blame him, it was what he felt was right and she had to respect that. She had signed on to try and help people and even that was in question now unless she signed something she had doubts about. She couldn't in good faith commit unless she was sure. That left her with only one option.

The night before she and the others were set to leave for Vienna, Alison wrote Steve a letter and she would ask Sam to deliver it after the funeral.

_Steve,_

_I'm sorry if my actions regarding James hurt or upset you. It was never my intention to mislead or cause you worry. The road to hell is always paved with good intentions and I came here with the best of intentions. They didn't go where I thought they would and while mistakes were made, I hope that I did do something good in my time here. This year has been different to say the least and I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you have done for me and what you have helped be become._

_With that in mind I feel that my time here has run its course. It's more than just the Accords coming into play. Some of my reasons are from a purely selfish standpoint. I know we both love him, however I need to let him go since he has let me go. I still love him, but he hurt me in a way I didn't think I could be hurt and trying to untangle every feeling is an impossible task that I don't think I can do here and now._

_I know you don't agree with the Accords, but I do hope you stay here. Despite what the world is saying, at the end of the day the worlds wants, it needs a hero. I believe you are that hero._

_Good luck,_

_Alison_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	5. But now here you are

"It was very kind of you to help my children pack my things up yesterday," said Nora. She was going to be released from the hospital tomorrow morning. She had broken her hip and would be unable to stay by herself for a while. Her son had offered up his home since his children were away for school. Bucky had gone over and helped Nora's two daughters pack while her son got his home ready for her stay.

"You're welcome. I enjoyed meeting them," said Bucky. Nora patted his hand.

"If my girls weren't already married I would be nagging them about you," teased Nora and Bucky shook his head sadly.

"I don't think I would make them very happy ma'am," said Bucky. _Alison was happy with you,_ thought Bucky and rubbed the tag she had given him. She was supposed to be in Vienna by now and he had stared at his phone all night and part of this morning before calling Alison. It rang for what felt like forever until he heard her voice. _Hi, this is Alison. Sorry I can't take your call now. Leave a message after the beep._ He had hung up and called back two more times and he kept getting her recorded message. On the final call he had managed to work up to leaving a message.

"Alison...it's me...I...I just wanted you know that I'm proud of you and I hope you have a really good day. Good bye," said Bucky and he quickly hung up. _Coward. Coward. Why didn't you ask her to come here?_ Because he didn't want to know if she would tell him and he didn't know what to tell her if she did come here.

"You've been through a lot haven't you? I don't always sleep at night and there has been more than one night that I could hear you talking or crying. I should have seen to you more, but I wasn't sure how to help you really. Sometimes I hear you talking in Russian. Are you from there?" asked Nora and Bucky shrugged. _Talk to someone. You'll feel better.'_

"I spent a long time there. I was part of a war that I really didn't understand; I just followed orders until I wasn't needed anymore. I was confused and lost...I have done a lot of terrible things in my life and I didn't think I could come back. I didn't think there was a lot worth coming back for. Then I met her and I thought I could come back, a least a little bit. I was wrong and she paid for it. Other people paid for it too," said Bucky and Nora sighed.

"Do you love her?" asked Nora.

"Sometimes," said Bucky and Nora waited while he gathered his thoughts. "Sometimes I miss her so much that she's all I can think about. I told myself I was going to call her and tell her I want to see her and I couldn't tell her. Other times it finally feels like I can breathe since she's not here. That it's easier this way. Then I'll see someone that dresses like her or hear a song she liked and I love her and hate her all at once," said Bucky.

His feelings for her were messy and he wondered if they would ever be clear cut again. His feeling towards Alison had run the whole spectrum over the last year, from a white hot hate to a longing he didn't know someone could cause. Could he go back and let go the fear of being used again? Could he let go of his fear of hurting someone again. Maybe he was just scared of knowing how she felt about him now.

"I loved my husband sometimes too," said Nora. "Sometimes I would go days not seeing him because of his work. I sometimes felt like I came second to his job and it was hard to get him to see that. I did live for those moments he would look at me like there was nothing else in the world. Sometimes...sometimes might be all you have to go on," said Nora.

"I always thought it would be easy...at least that's what I saw in the movies," said Bucky giving her a small smile. Nora smiled back and kissed his cheek.

"Maybe she's also around sometimes too. Give her a chance," said Nora. A nurse came in to give Nora her pills and she gave him an odd look. She shook her head and made sure Nora was alright before leaving the room.

"I'm afraid I'm going to be bad company here in a bit. These things put me out like a light," said Nora.

"You need rest anyway. Your son should be here soon. Make sure they take care of you," said Bucky. He got up and without thought he bent down and kissed the older woman on her forehead. "Good bye."

"Good bye James," said Nora. Bucky left the hospital unaware that the nurse was calling a tip line to say she had seen someone who looked like the Winter Soldier.

…..

The first two times Bucky had called, Alison had been in the shower getting ready for the event at the UN. The third time he called she had been trying to curl her hair and had missed the call. She saw the number was unknown with no message left and wonder if it had been Bucky or a wrong number. The final call came after she turned her phone off and went to down the hall to get Jenny since she always tended to run late.

Jenny came to the door wearing a pretty red pencil skirt, a white button down shirt with a red sweater over her shirt and red heels that were on the modest side. Her hair was now a riot of color though that Alison was sure it would give everyone who was in charge of them a heart attack. It was a blue-ish purple with pink and green streaks running through it. Jenny grinned and ran a hand through her hair.

"It took me most of the morning to do this? You like?" asked Jenny.

"I think it looks great on you," said Alison and Jenny laughed.

"I'm over the age of eighteen and I will do whatever I want with my hair and that blow hard can suck it," said Jenny. She got a huge grin on her face. "We still got an hour before we have to go. Let me fix your hair," said Jenny. Alison made a face.

"What's wrong with my hair?" asked Alison. Jenny pulled into her the suite and towards the bathroom. The counter was covered in little bottles of hair dye, tin foil and the white towels on the floor were ruined with blue dye. Alison almost felt a tinge of guilt for the bill they piling up on the company's dime. Alison herself had enjoyed a ton of room service food last night and was debating if she could fit some snacks from the mini bar into her purse before checking out. _Take it when you can Ally-Cat,_ was something her grandfather had said when anything free was offered up since most of the time they had to work really hard for everything.

"Nothing is wrong with it. It just needs a little jazzing up. Weren't you in a band? Didn't you ever go through the crazy hair phase?" asked Jenny making her sit down on the edge of the tub.

"We used the wash out stuff since we did weddings," said Alison, Jenny took two sections of Alison hair on either side of her face and put them in mini pig tails before pulling the rest back in a big ponytail.

"This should last a good three to four weeks," said Jenny looking at her color choices. "So if you really wanna do this…" said Jenny barely hiding the glee in her voice.

"What the hell. I might as well make an impression," said Alison. Jenny grabbed the green saying it would bring out her eyes and look good with black dress suit she was wearing. She covered Alison up with a towel so the dye wouldn't get on her clothes and thirty minutes later Alison had two wonderfully dark green sections of hair.

"Oh I was hoping it would be a bit brighter. We can play with it more later," said Jenny and Alison laughed.

"I think I'm good with this," said Alison and she gave Jenny a hug. "Besides I'm sure we can talk David into blue hair if we try," said Alison. There was a loud tapping at the door and it was Shawn.

"Jennifer! I swear to god you better be up and dressed by now. This isn't like exams when you can just come in when you want. This is the UN," cried Shawn and both women exploded in laughter as they went to the door. Shawn's face fell when he saw their hair. He pinched his nose by his glasses and sighed.

"I take it the Secretary of State does not know what you have done?" asked Shawn.

"Nope," said Jenny. They left the room and headed for the elevator while Shawn muttered about being grown up and what Jenny's mother would say once she saw her hair. David grinned and Ross barely kept his eyes in his head once they were in the car.

"I take this is your version of 'presentable'?" asked Ross and Alison shrugged.

"I didn't see any hair color restrictions in the dress code," said Alison twisting the green strand just to piss him off.

"I will make note of that," said Ross through clenched teeth. The ride was quick and before they were really ready they were being ushered into a room to meet with the Wakandan King and his son before the event. A tall woman in a blue dress with a shaved head walked into the room and held the door open for the King and his son.

"May I present his Royal Highness- King T'Chaka and his son Prince T'Challa," said the woman. They started to bow and King T'Chaka shook his head.

"Please there is no need for such formality. After all I asked you to come and you do me a great honor by being here," said T'Chaka. He looked at Jenny's hair and smiled warmly. "Your hair reminds me of a flower my wife grows. She waits all year for its return and all this time I thought it was the prettiest shade of blue. If I told her your blue was prettier I would never hear the end of it," said T'Chaka and he kissed Jenny on her hand. Ross introduced Shawn and David and T'Chaka spoke a few words to them before turning to Alison. He looked at her intently before he gripped her hands hard.

"The young woman you helped saved was a childhood friend of my son. Her father was a dear friend of mine during my youth and I asked her to go as King since it knew she was the right person for the job. I spent many sleepless nights worrying over her well-being before I could see. She told me how you stayed by her side when her family could not. My thanks to you comes not from a King, but from a man," said T'Chaka and he kissed her hand.

"My father and I owe you all a debt that might never be repaid. Your bravery and compassion are in short supply nowadays and we cannot express enough how the people of Wakanda wish to thank you," said T'Challa.

Alison felt her face starting to turning red and she caught embarrassed looks between Jenny and Shawn. David shot Ross a look before speaking.

"Please your majesties...what we did...we would do it again in a second. We…" T'Challa patted his arm.

"We understand that you normally aren't in the spotlight and that coming here today might put you at odds with people on your team," said T'Challa. _That's an understatement,_ thought Alison. Franklin agreed to stay at headquarters until she came back and they would go up to Boston together. David was already looking at how much time off he had saved and the two younger members were talking about a clinic in Mexico last night. They didn't agree with the Accords in their entirety and liked them less since they were being tied to them by being here at this event.

"The world should know that heroes come in all forms and not just in iron suits," said T'Challa.

"Of course," said Ross beaming and Alison fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Now the meeting will begin shortly. You four will be seated next to the podium and after his majesty's address you will stand and receive your medals of honor. After that the Accords will be ratified and you will all attend a luncheon with his majesty and his son," said Ross.

"Of course," said David also beaming and Alison wondered if it was too late for her and Jenny to fake a 'lady issue' and get out of this as they were taken into the main meeting room.

"I feel like a goddamn trained monkey," hissed David.

"They just want a few hours of our time and then we can run for the hills," said Alison taking in the huge room.

"You clearly forgot about photo ops," said Natasha. Alison was almost relieved to see her. Alison didn't see anyone else from the Avengers here and she wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Who signed up?" asked Alison.

"Myself. Tony, Rhodes and Vision," said Natasha. "You already knew Sam wasn't going to sign," said Natasha and Alison nodded.

"What about Wanda?" asked Alison and Natasha shrugged.

"She needs to think," said Natasha. Alison went to ask about Steve when a young woman came up and asked Natasha to sign in.

"We should take our seats," said David. Alison took her seat in the middle next to Jenny. "I did not drink enough for this," hissed Jenny.

"Maybe lunch will have an open bar," whispered Shawn. Alison barely fought back her laughter when she caught Ross giving them looks from the back of the room.

"Uncle Dick wants us to behave," said David sitting next to her and it took everything Alison had to not fall on the floor giggling; At least she was getting a few good laughs out of this.

The meeting was called to session and Alison forced herself to sit up straight and try to look like she belonged here. _Just a few hours of this and then I can go back to New York. I'll pick up Bailey and drive to Boston. I can't remember the last time I went on a road trip. Maybe a nice four hour drive is just what I need,_ thought Alison. King T'Chaka was introduced to speak and he went up the podium. He thanked them all for coming and for being allowed to speak at the UN.

"It's been many years since Wakanda has opened itself to the outside world. When Wakanda vibranium was stolen and used to make a terrible weapon, we in Wakanda were forced to question our legacy. Those men and women killed in Nigeria were part of a goodwill mission from a country too long in the shadows. We will not, however let misfortune drive us back. We will fight to improve the world we wish to join. I am grateful to the Avengers for supporting this initiative. The men and women seated next to me…" Alison was distracted when heard dogs barking outside and was puzzled to why she could hear them up here.

""EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" yelled T'Challa and Alison felt the rumble and the heat before David pushed her down.

…

Bucky wondered if he should try calling Alison again. Maybe she hadn't been able to get to her phone this morning due to the event. It was getting close to late afternoon and maybe now she could take his call and they could try to talk again. Had she listened to his voicemail and wondered why he had called her again. Bucky hoped she had a good day and that she was proud of the work she had done to earn being honored. _She's a healer, not a killer. I put her in a place where she needed to kill to survive._ _It was like that for all us,_ thought Bucky and he nearly stopped in mid step. _Who is all of us? The Red Room girls? No others. Others like me._

Bucky ducked into an alleyway to think for a moment and nothing else came to him and he was beyond annoyed. He wasn't remembering as much as he used it, but sometimes it was even harder for him to place since he couldn't find a point to reference sometimes. He didn't have anyone to help him try to place memories that were new to now. It was beyond frustrating at times, but it was something he was learning to live with. Bucky sighed and made his way to the market before it closed. Fruit was finally starting to be in season and he wanted fresh plums. To Bucky one of the best things about being alive now was how fruit was so easy to come by. Apples during the Depression were always a rare treat. Now he could have it whenever he wanted. _Small trade off after being a trained monkey for over seven decades,_ thought Bucky.

He went over to the woman who he normally bought his fruit from and she smiled at him.

"We should have peaches in a few weeks, but the berries are good today," she said bagging up fruit for a young mother.

"Are these any good today?" asked Bucky picking through the plums.

"Of course they are," she said grinning a little. She was flirting with him and Bucky wished he could be someone that was safe to flirt with. He picked out three of the plums and handed her some money.

"Come back soon," she called out and Bucky shook his head. He was getting far too comfortable here. He needed to move from his building anyway since it was near empty now and that job would be gone. Summer would be here soon enough and he could always get a job during manual labor that paid under the table. _I could just go from country to country and never be in the same place more than two months at time. Maybe that would be good for me,_ thought Bucky. He paused at a crosswalk and waited for a break in the traffic.

There was a newsstand across the way where he sometimes got a paper before going out for coffee. The clerk eyed him and Bucky felt something in the pit of his stomach. The nurse at the hospital had given him the same look and he couldn't help but be bothered by it now that someone else was eyeing him. Bucky looked away for a few seconds before looking back at the clerk. He was still staring at him and Bucky decided to cross the street and go over to the stand. The clerk ran out of the stand and threw a worried glance over his shoulder. _What the hell,_ thought Bucky. He picked up the paper the man had left in the stand and Bucky felt his heart sink. This was clearly a rushed edition of some paper, but the headline claiming that- _The Winter Soldier, Responsible for UN Bombing_ with a picture of someone who looked like him at the scene was enough.. _Twenty people confirmed killed_ was the follow up line and Bucky forced himself to look around at his surroundings and not dwell on that count. He didn't see anyone else paying attention to him. _You have to get out and get out now!_ His backpack was at the apartment. Everything he needed to start over was there. _No just go and go now!_ His journals though, the weapons and money he had stashed. He needed those things if he was going to get anywhere now.

Bucky forced himself to walk and not run back to the apartment. _Where do I go now? India. Bruce said India was nice. Maybe Africa or maybe somewhere in Asia. I speak Chinese I think. I could hide their and...Maybe she's dead. Maybe that's why she didn't pick up the phone. Alison is dead now and you'll never see her again. Twenty people are dead and Alison is one of them. They think you killed those people. Steve and Sam are going to think you killed her,_ said a cold voice in his head. Bucky tried to shake the thought away. He had no reason to think she was dead and Bucky made his way up the stairs and was about to go into his apartment when he heard footsteps on the other side. _Fuck!_ He knew he should cut his losses and go now, but his backpack. _It has your memories of hers. It might be all you have her now,_ hissed a voice. _Damn it._

Bucky eased inside without making at sound. He was good at being silent after years of being a ghost. It was Steve and he was looking down at something.

"Understood," said Steve into his comm and even though Bucky hadn't made a sound Steve turned around to face him. Steve was holding one of his journals and Bucky tried to stay calm. _Steve thinks you killed all those people and now he's come to bring you in and they'll lock you away again. Put you back in a freezer._

"Do you know me?" asked Steve. _Did she tell about him about Spain? Did she tell him about the phone call? Lie. Figure out what he knows._

"You're Steve. I read about you in a museum," said Bucky.

"They set the perimeter," said Sam over the comm. _God damn it! Why did even come back here? She's dead and she's still fucking up your life,_ hissed that cold voice. Steve sat the journal down.

"I know you're nervous and you have plenty of reason to be. But, you're lying," said Steve. _Shit,_ thought Bucky. Steve might be his only way out and he might be the only person left in the world who would believe him. _I've done a lot of terrible things, but not this._

"I wasn't in Vienna. I don't do that anymore...I wouldn't hurt her," said Bucky. Steve went to say something when Sam spoke up.

"They are entering the building," said Sam. _I'm gonna find who did though. I gonna find out who blew up the building and I'm gonna kill them slow,_ thought Bucky.

"Well the people who think you did are coming here now and they don't plan on taking you alive," said Steve.

"That's smart...good strategy," said Bucky and he heard the footsteps on the roof. Had they followed Steve here? _If only I had been just a little faster. I could have gotten what I needed and been gone._

"This doesn't have to end in a fight, Buck," said Steve sadly as Bucky took off his glove so it was easier to move his metal hand.

"It always ends in a fight," said Bucky. _Or with someone dying or being hurt because of me. I'm not letting them take me though. No. If I go out it's on my terms,_ thought Bucky.

"You pulled me from the river. You got Alison to safety in South America. Why?" demanded Steve.

"I don't know," said Bucky even though he knew he was lying.

"Yes you do," said Steve calmly.

"Breach!" yelled Sam through the comm and two flash bangs were tossed into the apartment. Steve knocked one against the wall and the other landed on the floor. Bucky kicked it and Steve covered the explosion with his shield.

They started trying to get in through the front door and Bucky threw the kitchen table and blocked the doorway. If he could get down to one of the lower floors he could jump to another building and find a way to get of the city. One man came in through a window and Bucky knocked him out. Bucky heard gun fire go off as Steve knocked another one down. A third tried making his way in when Steve grabbed his gun and Bucky kicked him back out. Steve grabbed him and looked fearful.

"Buck. Stop," ordered Steve. "You're going to kill someone." Bucky knocked him down to the floor and punched through the floor to where he had hidden the backpack.

"I'm not gonna kill anyone," said Bucky and he tossed his backpack over to the next building. He didn't want to kill anyone, but they clearly planned on killing him and he wasn't going to let them. No, he was going to get out of here and figure out where to go and who framed him for this. _I'll kill them though for doing this. I just wanted peace._

Another came through a window and Steve tried shielding them both from the gunfire when another Special Forces member came in. _Sorry Steve,_ thought Bucky as he threw his friend towards the new attacker and knocked them out of the apartment. Bucky blocked the shots with his metal hand and knocked the officer out with a cinder block that propped up shelf..

Bucky heard the other team outside his door and knew the only way down was through them. He made his way over the table and punched through the wall knocking someone out and knocking a few more as he went through the door. _You know this looks really bad for you. I don't care. I didn't do it and they came here with no chance of giving me a fair chance to prove that I didn't do it,_ thought Bucky.

Bucky hadn't trained or fought in months yet somehow this was second nature to him. He had been trained to take people out and this was almost too easy for the Soldier in him. Bucky was glad though that the building was empty and no one would get hurt because of him. Steve was distracting the Special Forces on the floors above him. Bucky jumped down several floors before grabbing a railing and tossing himself onto an empty floor. He kicked open a door and took a running leap over the edge of the building and barely landed on the next roof. Bucky got up to run and he had just grabbed his pack when a shadow came over him. It wasn't Steve and Bucky covered his head as the figure knocked him to the ground.

Bucky looked up and it was a male figure dressed completely in black and it was clearly a cat. _Oh what the fuck,_ thought Bucky as the figure took a fighting stance. This person wasn't with Steve and Bucky didn't think he was with the Special Forces, but he wanted him dead too. Bucky got up and went to fight the man. He was fast and he was strong, even for the Soldier he was almost too fast. His claws went through metal like it was a hot knife against butter. _Who the hell are you and what do you want,_ thought Bucky trying to keep the claws from his eyes.

More gunfire went off and it was coming from a helicopter, but the bullets bounced off the man's suit. _Vibranium? Where the hell did he get that?_ thought Bucky. The distraction of the helicopter gave Bucky a chance to kick the man in black away. He grabbed his backpack and put it on before jumping down the building. The man in black was quick though and took off running after him. _God damn it who are you and what the hell is that suit capable of,_ thought Bucky has he jumped into traffic and noticed that Steve was trying to catch him and the man in black.

Bucky heard sirens and people yelling in German over loud speakers that he needed to surrender. He heard cars crashing behind him and he nearly ran into police cars coming towards him. He didn't stand a chance of getting away unless he got a vehicle of his own. When he saw the motorcycle Bucky didn't waste a second. The man on motorcycle didn't know what was happening until Bucky knocked him off and grabbed the bike in midair and got on it.

Bucky wove in and out of traffic with ease and most of the police cars were piled up and then Bucky noticed the one behind him. It was driven by Steve and the man in black was riding it. _Oh god damn it,_ thought Bucky has the man in black threw himself off the car and towards him. Bucky caught him with his right hand and used his left hand to keep himself and the bike off the road. Bucky kicked him off and righted himself and the bike. He pulled one of the little bombs he had taken from Hydra and tossed it on the over ramp. It would block the exit and he could get away.

In theory it was perfect, the bomb went off and Bucky heard the rubble falling him. A second later though he felt the back tire give out and Bucky lost control of bike and he crashed. The man in black went to pounce on him when Steve knocked him off. Bucky went to run when a helicopter appeared over them and they were surrounded by cars and everyone getting out of them had a gun on them. If Steve wasn't here maybe he would have put up a fight. Bucky knew where he was going and he didn't know if he could stay anywhere near sane if he was locked up. The decision was taken out of his hands completely when he saw Rhodey in his War Machine suit .

"Stand down now!" ordered Rhodey and Steve put his shield away. "Congratulations Cap. You're a criminal," said Rhodey sounding tired. The special forces yelled orders in German and Bucky simply let them force him to the ground and handcuff him. They ripped away his backpack and started throwing things out. The journals were tossed into plastic bags without care. Bucky was being taken to a van when he noticed the man in black had taken his mask off and Bucky remembered seeing him in the magazine picture with Alison. The Prince of Wakanda had tried to kill him. They put him in a chair that had cuffs that encased his arms, chest and legs. He was guilty of murder after all. _Not those people in Vienna. I DIDN'T DO IT!_

…...

Alison couldn't breath and something heavy was pressing her down. She groaned and pushed at whatever was on top of her. It groaned too and got off her and she drew in a shaky breath and coughed. Everything looked blurry and her legs, hands and arms hurt. It took her a few moments to see she had glass in her arms and in the tops of her hands. Alison looked and saw David was lying next to her looking up at the broken in ceiling. _He covered you from most of it. If he hadn't you might have been impaled,_ thought Alison.

Something had blown up and now things were coming into better focus. Sound that she hadn't been aware she couldn't hear till just that second was coming back to her. Screams, alarms, people calling out for help. This was bad dream. She was dreaming of Lagos and now she was dreaming of being in the blast. Alison looked over and instantly felt the need to scream. If she screamed she would wake up from this nightmare. The scream was stuck in her throat though and Jenny's lifeless eyes looked at her.

Alison crawled over to her ignoring the pain in her legs and tried to see if anything could be done. Jenny had a piece of metal sticking out of her neck. Alison could only guess how far down it had gone, but the result was clear. It had severed her spine in her cervical region, the C1 and C2 from what Alison could make out. The blue hair was matted with blood and it looked purple. David groaned again and he looked over and he let out something between a moan and scream. It was a sound that Alison would remember for the rest of her life. David staggered over and touched Jenny's head.

"Do not do this to me...come on sweetie...come on," said David hoarsely. Tears blinded her, but not before she saw Prince T'Challa cradling his father and sobbing. The King was also dead. Alison looked around and couldn't find Shawn. She went to get up and felt the glass shards in her legs from the knee down.

"Shawn," called Alison weakly. "Shawn!" Alison staggered a few steps and found Shawn had been crushed underneath rubble and was also gone. He almost looked like he was just napping after a long study session since there was no blood, but Alison knew he was gone.

"Come on, we have to get you out of here," said a female voice. Alison looked to Natasha with a few cuts and clothing singed. Natasha was trying to not cry and she wrapped an arm around her. Alison looked back to where David was in shock and trying to wake Jenny up and where T'Challa was holding his father and felt rage slip in through her pain. She was going to make sure whoever did this paid and paid dearly.

….

"I can do it myself. Go help someone else," said Alison. The medic was picking the glass out of her legs. She couldn't remember how they got out of the building, but Natasha had taken her over to the nearest medic and they started picking the glass out of her. They had wrapped her hands and her arms. She had barely felt the stitches in her arms, the shock of what happened was almost like a drug. _We should be having lunch and getting ready to go home. Oh god their parents. Has anyone called them yet?_

"You might need stitches," said the medic.

"I'm a nurse. I can do it. Please...go help the others," said Alison. The medic nodded and threw out the gloves before taking off into the building. Alison took the tweezers and started picking the shards out. Yeah she was gonna need stitches in a few places. Some of the pieces were small and pebble like. Others were long and jagged. She felt them though which meant no nerve damage. They just hurt like a bitch. When she was done she had a few stitches on her legs, from below her knee and down. _Aren't you glad you shaved your legs this morning?_ She almost started laughing and it turned to sobs. Why? Why had someone done this? Was the King the target? Someone else at the UN. Was this just random terrorism to prove some backwards point of view?

"Ally?" asked David and she quickly wiped her face. David's face was covered in ash and he had clearly been crying too. His jacket was burnt and torn to shreds, but she knew he was alright physically. He held out a slight damp and burnt black bag.

"I found your purse. I can't find Jenny's purse though. Did she bring one?" asked David.

"No. She never carried one," said Alison taking her bag. "Did you...has anyone called their parents?" asked Alison.

"Hill called them and she's coming out with them so they can…" David broke off sobbing. Alison hugged him and felt her own sobs coming back. Alison heard someone clearing their throat and she saw Natasha standing there and she looked troubled.

"We need to talk," said Natasha and she pulled them away towards somewhere away from the crowd. "This isn't easy to say, but they have already pulled camera footage from around the building and they have a lead. It looks like Bucky set the bomb," said Natasha and Alison felt herself go numb again and David caught her as she started to faint. It couldn't be right. No. It didn't make sense. Why would he do this? _Someone got him back and flipped a switch. He could have let you die if you hadn't flipped that switch. But...no...yes...if someone has him he could have set the bomb and walked away. Went back to get more orders._

"Who has him?" asked Alison and Natasha sighed.

"It doesn't look like anyone has him. They have a lead and special forces have orders to shoot on sight," said Natasha.

"They don't have enough proof," said David harshly. "If it was him I want him dead, but they need to be sure. I want to know why." demanded David. Alison felt her heart clench up. Clearly if he had done this of his own free will he was sick. He needed help and...god if he had done this of his own free will he might be beyond help. _You had your chance to help him and you failed. People are dead now. Your friends are dead and now he's gonna be dead too._

…

They loaded him on a plane like luggage and didn't speak to him. It was like being in Hydra again. Chained to chair and no one treating him like a person. Steve, Sam and the Prince were in another plane and Bucky wasn't sure where they were going. _Does it matter?_ No. It didn't matter since he was guilty and was going to be put away.

He knew Steve would try to help him, but what was the point? He might not have done this, but he had done a lot of other things he belonged in jail for. Maybe this was Karma finally getting him for real this time. Bucky had thought leaving behind Alison and Steve was a form of punishment. No. That was merely a taste of punishment. From what bits he could gather Steve was in a heap of trouble for helping him. _They called him a criminal,_ thought Bucky. Steve would defend him to his last breath even it cost him everything and that hurt him. The people needed Captain America, they didn't need the Winter Soldier.

Alison was gone to him. He overheard one of the guys say the death toll had climbed to forty. They hadn't taken his tags yet. Bucky was wearing them under his shirt and soon they would take that away and he would have nothing left of his past or her. He still had the family ring on the chain. _Why did Becky give her this?_ Was it to give to him? It had been their mother's ring and Becky had hinted that he could give it to Alison if he wanted to marry her. Pieces started falling and Bucky made his face appear expressionless as thoughts came to him.

Had Becca told Alison what this ring meant and what he had said during their last phone call? That he loved her enough to consider marrying her, If Becca had told Alison what they had talked about...god how he had acted during their last meeting was beyond cruel if she knew. _She thought I would love her enough to come back if I considered marrying her. It's another reason she wanted me to make the choice. Not just for me, but for some sort of future._

They landed and Bucky tried to not feel anything as they loaded him into an unmarked, windowless shipping car and started driving. The drove for a while and Bucky could hear sounds of the city as they went. The truck went down a slope and the men started getting ready to move him. It looked like some sort of garage. Bucky looked as Steve got out a van and Bucky felt his heart slam against his ribs.

Bucky watched Alison get out of another car and the look of sadness on her face when she saw him almost made him wish she was dead. _If she was dead she wouldn't have to see you this way._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts are always welcome


	6. The best laid plans

To say the last twelve hours were an emotional roller coaster wouldn't even come close to what Alison had been experiencing since the bombing. After Natasha had told them that Bucky might have been behind this attack her mind went to a panicking black space. Her mind went deeper into that space when Natasha told them that Steve was going after Bucky. If Steve was in it, that meant Sam was going to be in the mess too. They were putting themselves against the Accords and god only knew what else. _What if they don't get to him in time?_

Natasha promised to keep them in the loop and she walked off when her phone rang. Sharon was running the scene and if everything wasn't so terrible Alison would have been happy to see her. Sharon took their statements and told them they could leave the scene. She and David went back to the hotel and tried to ignore people staring at them. They went back to their rooms and Alison carefully took a shower, redressed her cuts and was stunned to see the ones on her hands were already looking better. They might scar, but she would live with that. _Bucky. Why? It doesn't make sense._ Nothing made sense and she about to go check on David when she saw her purse. _I turned my phone off. The bombing is all over the news and everyone back home must be freaking out by now._

Alison dumped the purse on her bed, grabbed her phone and prayed it worked even though the glass was cracked. The cheap knock off turned on and Alison saw she had numerous texts and a few voicemails. She would listen to the voicemails later; the texts were all one question. _Are you alright?_

"No. I'm not alright," said Alison out loud. Two of her friends had been killed and her boyfriend _former boyfriend...whatever label you wanted to put on it_ might have done it. Alison saw most of the calls were from Sophia and Renee. She called them and they talked for almost an hour. Alison knew Renee wanted to bring up Bucky since the media had released the video and still shot of him. Clearly Sophia had told her to shut up on that topic. They were just happy she was alive and they would get the word out to everyone so she could rest. They would be waiting for her once she came home. _If only I could rest. I can't. Not until this makes a damn bit of sense._

She called Franklin next and she could hear how terror stricken he sounded. The poor man had already lost his only child and he had told her more than once he thought of her has his daughter. She calmed him down, but told him she might be here for a bit longer.

"You don't think he did it?" asked Franklin.

"It doesn't make sense," said Alison. "If he did do it, it's a sloppy job," said Alison.

"It's killed almost twenty five people so far," said Franklin rationally. Good this is what she needed. Someone to puzzle this out with her and right now he was the only one she could go to with this. Franklin clearly need it too since he sounded calmer now and was thinking with her.

"Well yes, if body count was what he was going for? Franklin...the Winter Soldier killed Kennedy and no one spotted him. He's killed dozen and never been spotted. Getting seen by that camera was sloppy," said Alison pacing her room.

"You're assuming he wasn't Bucky at the time," said Franklin gently.

"Bucky never killed anyone without cause. He was a soldier during the war and that's one thing. Once he got out of Winter Soldier mode though, he went into hiding. He didn't want to be found," said Alison.

"You were there," said Franklin letting the sentence hang so it sunk in. That had crossed her mind and it hurt. Had she said something wrong to make him want her dead? _That look in his eyes when he tried to kill me at the Tower. That was the Winter Soldier though, not Bucky._

"If he wanted me dead he could have gotten me alone somehow. It would have been quick and not caused a scene," said Alison.

"True enough. Could someone want him?" asked Franklin and Alison sat down on her bed.

"What?" asked Alison.

"Your former boyfriend has caused a great deal of damage in his time. Not to mention his prior employer tried to get at him once before through rather underhanded means," said Franklin.

"Someone framed him to get to him," said Alison. It was a leap of logic, but at least there was some logic in it. If Bucky wasn't being controlled at the time of the attack than someone was setting him up. _Why. To what end? He's useless as an assassin now since everyone knows he's alive._ She needed to get someone else in on this. She needed to get in touch with anyone from her team. What could Bucky have that someone would kill for?

"If you want to leave without me out I'll understand" said Alison and Franklin sighed, but it was a kind one.

"Take all the time you need dear. I'll make sure your dog is cared for. Take care of yourself. Love...Love can be a bitter, double edged sword," said Franklin.

"I know," said Alison. She knew far too well how much love could cut you. _It's been cutting you since he left._

They hung up and Alison went to David's room and knocked until he let her in. It had been about two hours and David already reeked of booze. She looked and the table was covered with tiny liquor bottles and a large bottle of brandy sat half finished. He let her in and poured her a glass.

"Wanna find out if you can get drunk?" asked David almost falling into his chair. He was a large man, but he was going to make himself sick if he kept going at this rate and she needed him as her teammate.

"David. I need you to listen to me. I know how this is going to sound once I say it…" David cut her off.

"I got them into The Avengers. After SHIELD went down they went home to just think things over for a bit. Jenny was working at a clinic in Ohio and Shawn was working with folks in the backcountry When I saw him again he was actually treating someone that got bit by a koala A fucking koala can you believe that. Jenny talked him into it. 'Come on Shawn. It will be fun.' I should have just let them be," said David downing another shot. Alison took the bottle away and he glared at her.

"I know how you feel about him and maybe he didn't do it. Have you considered that he did do it?" asked David.

"Yes. It just doesn't make sense. I know I screwed up in his treatment…"

"Only a bit," slurred David and Alison dug her nails into the chair to not breakdown. "I know what it's like to have someone you trust...someone you love hurt you" said David. He took the bottle back and drank from it.

"I lied about how I got my arm cut." David held out his arm and showed her the scar that went from his wrist and up. "It wasn't a bad patient. It was a member of the SHIELD team that I was on assignment with. We had known each other for ten years. We had been on the same team for six years and he was my boyfriend for four years. I lived with him, slept with him...Christ he was with me when my mother died. It didn't change the fact that when Hydra flipped the switch he killed two other agents and might have killed me too if someone hadn't knocked him out. He told me it wasn't personal. That he did care about me and hoped that with time I would have seen it his way. There is a part of me that still loves the bastard and it's been almost four years. I don't blame you for wanting to believe he didn't do this. I know there is part of you that will always love him. I just want you be ready if it comes back he did do it," said David taking another pull from the bottle. Alison downed the shot he gave her.

It wouldn't do her any good to talk to him like this. He was hurting and she knew that a rational conversation was not in the cards right now. She was hurting too, but right now she was shoving it down. _It's going to hurt when it does hit._ David passed out and Alison left his room to try and get ahold of Natasha or Tony. She didn't know how to get in touch with Sharon and Maria would be busy with Jenny and Shawn's parents. She would have tried Steve or Sam, but knew if they were on a mission she wouldn't be able to get them. She tried for an hour and got nowhere trying to reach Tony or Natasha. Alison was beyond frustrated at this point and wondering if anyone would listen to her about Bucky that wasn't on the team. _I don't think he did it because we were lovers._ Hell would her own team listen to her? Maybe Steve...god she hoped Steve would listen to her when he came back.

Her phone was starting to die and she plugged it in to charge. Alison decided to clear out her voicemails while she waited for anyone to give her something to do. The calls were from Sophia and Renee. Sarah had called and so had Rachel and Matt's father. She deleted the voicemails without listening. She couldn't bear to listen if they were as panicked as Franklin had been. There was one voicemail from the unknown number this morning... Maybe it was a telemarketer, a scam call or maybe it was nothing. She hit play though and if Alison hadn't been sitting she would have fallen over. It was Bucky telling her that he was proud of her and hoping she had a good day. Maybe this was the proof she needed to get someone to listen. _Why would he want me to have a good day if he was setting up a bomb that could kill me?_

…

Tony reached over, took her phone and deleted the voicemail. Alison nearly decked him. Would have if David hadn't grabbed her arm at the last second. She had been waiting nearly six hours for anyone to tell her what the hell was going on and now she was being treated like a child. David slumped back in his chair and started nursing a black coffee. Natasha paced the room and looked worried.

"You do realize that if he called you that makes it looks like you have connections to a terrorist right?" asked Tony.

"But he didn't do it. We have evidence...well we did until you deleted it," snapped Alison. She wondered if she could knock him through the wall if she hit him hard enough. The image almost brought a smile to her face.

"It's bad enough that Steve and Sam have gone off to find him, but...look. I know you want to help him. I do too...he's a good guy. But, they have video evidence of him setting the bomb and right now that's all they want to use. They don't have anything else yet. However if we go popping off that we had him in our house until a few months ago we're all going to go down and none of us will be able to help him, Sam or Steve. Please...Alison. Just hear me out. Sign the Accords. I'll fudge the paperwork and you'll have whatever degree and clearance you need to see him. You'll be able to treat him in an American hospital. Any hospital you want. You'll pick the staff that takes care of him and once we prove he didn't do this we can try to get the other stuff taken off the books," said Tony. There was a lot of stuff in Bucky's books and she only knew part of it. _Like Tony's parents. Only you and Bucky know that. I couldn't even tell Steve. Is it even possible to get them to agree to this?_

Tony pulled a stack of papers out of his briefcase and a silver pen. He pushed the papers over to her and with a shaking hand Alison took the pen.

"The people who did this are getting away...if we just," started Alison.

"If you love them and want to help them you'll sign it," said Natasha looking out the window. Her tone was so matter of fact it nearly stunned Alison. It was emotional blackmail at its finest and Alison wondered how often Natasha had used emotional blackmail to get what she wanted back in the day. Alison signed The Accords and wondered if this was how John Proctor felt when they wanted him to sign a confession of guilt. It was her name, what else could they want from her. David signed The Accords and slammed back to his room to sleep more of the hangover and loss of their team off.

A few hours later they were on their way to Berlin. It was where they were taking Bucky for an evaluation and determining where he would go. Steve and Sam would be there along with Prince T'Challa. _He had a cat suit and tried to kill Bucky._ David fell back to sleep on the plane and Alison fiddled with her new name tag. She was now Dr. Alison Conley. She had a PH.D in psychology and she specialized in treating extreme cases of PTSD. She was to look over the evidence they were bringing back and somehow get rid of the phone she had given him. Then she would meet with Bucky and the other doctor they were having come in and evaluate him. God she hoped he played along didn't give it away that they had known each other or else this whole plan was fucked.

It nearly broke her heart to see him though. Bucky was strapped into a chair with metal restraints and in a glass box of some sort. Alison wondered vaguely if that was the glass they used for the Pope Mobile. He gave her a quick look and it was blank. Either he was already pretending he didn't know her or else he really didn't know her.

She saw Sam and before Alison could say anything another man in a suit approached her.

"Dr. Conley. We have what was collected from the suspect. If you would follow me please,"

"Could you tell Sam what's going on?" asked Alison and David nodded. He walked behind Sam and Alison let the man take her to another part of the building. It was a closed off room with several long tables set up. The things they had collected from Bucky were on the table. She spotted the phone and her pulse picked up a bit.

"Dr. Broussand should be here shortly," said the man and he left the room. Alison opened her bag and quickly switched the phone she had given Bucky with another one. She wasn't worried about cameras; Tony told her they didn't have them in this room. She just needed to get this phone out of the building now. Alison took a deep breath and started looking over what they had collected. Her heart nearly stopped when she saw her brown sweater in a plastic bag. She had been wearing it on their last date. _Why did he keep that? I don't know if I should take that too._

She didn't notice the man coming up behind her. She felt something shock her in the back and then her head being slammed into the table. Everything went black as she hit the floor.

Zemo looked down at the young woman and frowned a bit. She had been one the survivors at Vienna. One of the 'heroes' meant to be honored at the UN.

"You seem like a kind soul and I'm terribly sorry to have to do this. It's for the best though. You'll see." He quickly hogged tied her and tied a gag around her mouth before leaving the room. Zemo explained that the other doctor wanted more time to look through what had been collected. She would join him later and asked to not be bothered. The guard shook his head.

"Waste of time and money," he said and took Zemo to meet the Winter Soldier.

…

_Bucky liked this part of the day more than he was willingly to admit to anyone. After Alison finished her swim and took a shower to get the chlorine smell out of her hair she would sit on her balcony and he could listen to her playing the guitar. It took her about a week to get a piece right. At least where she felt it was right, he felt she had it by the third night. Bucky would sit on his balcony and she would settle into her spot to teach herself a new song. The one last week had been sort of a melancholy tune. Something about how the times were changing. It was by Bob Dylan she told him later when he had asked about the song. Bucky heard her settle into her spot and tune her guitar before starting up._

_I heard there was secret chord_

_That David played and it pleased the Lord_

_But you don't really care for music do ya?_

_It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift_

_The baffled king composing Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,_

_God lord did she know anything not depressing? He was going to ask her when she finished up this run through of the piece._

_You know I used to live alone before I knew you_

_And I've seen your flag on the marble arch._

_Love is not a victory march_

_It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah._

_She lost her place and Bucky heard her mutter 'Shit' as she tried to find it again._

" _Is that another one by Bob Dylan?" asked Bucky leaning over his balcony._

" _Nope. This is by Leonard Cohan...well he wrote the song. I'm learning a different version of' it," said Alison._

" _It's depressing as hell," said Bucky and Alison sort of laughed._

" _Cohan was not a cheerful fellow," said Alison._

" _Do you have anything that doesn't sound that depressing?" asked Bucky and she shrugged._

" _Come over and look through the binder," said Alison. Bucky went over to her room and she pushed a huge binder over to him. "I was just flipping through and taking out whatever. You pick one and I'll learn it for this week," said Alison. Bucky turned the pages in the binder and was stunned by the amount of sheet music she had. Did she really plan on learning all of these songs? He asked her as much and she laughed a little again._

" _A good musician learns as much as they can. I know a lot of songs on drums and well I would like to be good at this," said Alison gesturing to the guitar._

" _I never really thought about the people who played it. Thought it just came to them naturally," said Bucky._

" _For some people. I think my grandfather could play blindfolded with a hangover. I needed to work for years though," said Alison. Bucky eyed the binder and sighed._

" _So anyone can learn?" asked Bucky and she nodded. "Even me?" The look she gave him had so much happiness in it he wasn't sure how to react._

" _Well yes. If you want too. I could see about finding you a guitar or did you mean drums?" asked Alison._

" _Guitar. I don't think I could stand trying to learn constant banging noise," said Bucky giving her his own grin._

" _I'll forgive you for that insult against my drums. I could give you a lesson now before you even start playing," said Alison. She took a piece of sheet music and explained what all the little notes meant and how she was supposed to play each one._

_Bucky wanted to kiss her as talked. He listened and repeated back what she had said, but the whole time all he wanted to do was pull her over to him and kiss her until she was out of breath and begging him for more. He hadn't thought that way about anyone in years. He hadn't been capable of it. He hadn't been allowed to think about anyone that way...he hadn't been allowed to love...damn it. Was he in love with her? This woman was meant to help him get his head on right and listen to his horror stories. She knew what he done and what had been done to him. Could she ever love him after knowing everything he was telling_

_A few months later Bucky would pull her close while she was dozing and Alison would take his left hand and hold it in her. She trusted him to not hurt her with a hand that killed so many._

" _I love you, James," said Alison falling deeper into sleep._

" _I love you too," said Bucky and he let himself fall to sleep and for once he wasn't scared about waking up._

 _Maybe she is dead and you're just seeing her again in your head,_ thought Bucky as they put his room into another room. No, she looked different. Her hair was shorter than it had been the last time he had seen her. _It looked like she had green ribbons in it._ Bucky watched as the men connected his traveling room to the rest of the room. The lights were overly bright and it felt like they had turned the heat on his box. _It's meant to cause stress. To make me feel uncomfortable. Well they might have to try a little harder. I've been tossed naked in cold and dark rooms. I've been beaten for hours. This is nothing,_ thought Bucky. Someone set up a desk and a chair and Bucky wondered who would be sent to talk to him. Would they send Alison in here to talk to him? Why else would they bring her here?

 _Does she think you did this? She knows almost everything you've done._ Then again did anyone know he had been hiding with the Avengers for months. Was it still a secret? How much trouble would they all be in if it came out that they hadn't turned him? _It wasn't your fault. They used you and you didn't have a choice._ She was back in his head and Bucky nearly sighed. If he had just left the damn backpack he could have gotten away and now he really started to kick himself. His journals. He had talked about her in his journals. He had talked about the others in his journals. He had completely screwed everyone over. _Fuck,_ thought Bucky as a tall man with glasses came in.

"Hello, Mr. Barnes. I've been sent by the United Nations to evaluate you. Do you mind if I sit?" he asked before sitting down anyway. He took out a laptop and a notebook and Bucky recalled how Alison would sit with her legs tucked under her for hours while he talked. Sometimes she would bring them coffee during the morning sessions and a cup of tea for the afternoon. She took notes while he talked and she promised no one would ever see or know what he told her. _Will they still be private now that everyone thinks I did this?_

"Your first name is James?" asked the man and Bucky nearly rolled his eyes. _You_ _already called me Mr. Barnes so I know you know my name.,_ thought Bucky. He didn't say anything and the man turned on the laptop and made some notes in the notebook. _He's going to tell everyone everything you say. Hell they already have cameras in here so they'll know everything I'll say anyway._

"I'm not here to judge you James. I just want to ask you a few questions," said the man, "Do you know where you are James?" asked the man.

His mother had called him James when she wanted his attention. To tell him something important. _Now be a good boy James and make sure to keep your hat on its cold out. Please be nice to your sister, James. You're a good a son, James._ His sister had called him Jimmy just to be a pest and she called him James when she was worried. _Oh Jimmy whatever made you think you could take two girls out on the same night and not be caught. The men over there are dying James! Why do you need to sign up too?_

Alison had called him James when they first met. She hadn't felt right calling him Bucky. She said it felt informal and later she admitted that Bucky had been the name of cartoon rabbit she had seen when she was kid and wasn't sure she could call him that without thinking about the cartoon. She did start calling him Bucky though because he asked her too. Sometimes she would playful call him Sergeant when it was just them. Later on Alison only called him James when they made love. _Her hands fisted the sheets as he kissed her inner thigh and she let out a small moan when he moved his hand to cup her breast._

" _James...James…_

"James I need you to talk to me. I can't help you if you if you don't talk to me," said the man.

"My name is Bucky." _God just shut up._

"My name is Dr. Broussand. I wish we could be meeting under different circumstances. So tell me Bucky. You've see a great deal haven't you?"

"I don't want to talk about it," said Bucky. _I've done it once and I'm not doing it again._

"You fear that if you open your mouth the horrors might never stop," said the doctor. Bucky had been afraid of that. He had terrified what they would think of him if they knew what he had done. Alison had sat with him for hours listening to him talk about what they had been done to him and what he had done for Hydra. Yet she had still looked him in the eyes like he mattered. _You mattered to her._

"Don't worry we only have to talk about one," said the doctor. Something in his voice and his eyes gave Bucky pause. Suddenly the lights went off and alarms flashed, but the doctor didn't seem worried. He seem rather pleased by this.

"What the hell is this?" asked Bucky.

"Why don't we discuss your home? Not Romania. Certainly not Brooklyn," said the doctor reaching into his bag and pulling out a red notebook with the black that froze everything in Bucky. "Let's talk about your real home." said the doctor and he opened the notebook.

"Longing." Bucky felt his head get fuzzy and his heartbeat pick up. _No. God no. Please not again._

"No," said Bucky shaking his head.

"Rusted."

"Stop," said Bucky. _Fight it...damn it fight this._

"Seventeen."

"Stop!" yelled Bucky and he started trying to pull his left arm free.

"Daybreak." Bucky screamed in agony has he could feel himself slipping away. He freed his left arm and started tearing his restraints away. _I won't hurt her. Not again. I'll kill you first and I care what it costs me,_ thought Bucky. He tried to ignore the words being spoken and tried punching the door to cage. _They ordered me to hit her I did and I can still hear the bones in her face breaking. She looked at me horrified and scared. Not for herself, but for me._

_No please god don't me go back to that._

He was already back by the time he got out and he was confused about where he was. An order was given for a mission update. An old mission the Soldier was sure of it. He gave his report though and the man in front of him smiled.

"Good. That's very good Soldier." There was the sound of footsteps and yelling in German. Why was he here? Had he been sloppy with a mission? Was this man his handler?

"You need to get out of here no matter what the costs. Go anywhere you want. Just get out of here by any means necessary," said the man. He stepped aside as men in uniforms, guns and shields came in. The Soldier took the out with ease and then someone came down that seemed familiar to him. _Get out by any means necessary._ It was an order

….

" You and Alison signed The Accords," said Steve trying to stay calm after his fight with Tony. He couldn't believe that he was holding Wanda at the compound. She wasn't dangerous and she was part of the team. Now he was finding out that Alison and David had signed thinking it was only to help them based on what Tony has promised to do for Bucky, _And for you and Sam. They wanted to help and they didn't see another way,_ thought Steve.

Steve had heard from Natasha that Alison and David had lived while Jenny and Shawn had been killed. Steve hadn't known the two youngest members that well, but they were on his team and his responsibility. Not to mention that Bucky had done it. He hadn't wanted to believe it, but he knew what the Winter Soldier was capable of. Was Bucky being used again? Or was he so mad and broken he had tied to take out anyone he could. _I wasn't in Vienna. I don't do that anymore...I wouldn't hurt her._ No, Bucky wouldn't. The Winter Soldier though had tried and nearly killed her.

Steve had found the museum clipping of himself and the article picture of Alison. It hurt Steve to wonder why Bucky didn't try to come back. He knew they cared about him and would help him anyway they could if he gave them a chance. _Maybe that was problem. You both cared too much and he couldn't deal with it._

"Well we under the impression the only way Barnes was going to be given any sort of help was if we signed. Tony told her they would send him back with us and she would be in charge of his treatment. She doesn't think he did it and well she might be right," said David telling them about the phone call and the meeting before they got here. They hadn't been told about Wanda and David looked pissed.

"She almost punched him when he deleted that message. I should have let her," said David. Steve couldn't blame them for signing The Accords Tony had basically promised Alison the moon on a string and she took it to try and help them. She didn't think Bucky did it and now that Steve had time to think it really didn't make sense. Steve looked up the camera where the doctor was interviewing Bucky.

"Shouldn't she be in there?" asked Steve.

"According to the guard she wanted to look over what had been brought it," said Sharon. Steve looked at the picture of Bucky and had to agree with Alison that it was sloppy for him to have gotten his picture taken. _Maybe she was on to something._

"This would be a way to flush a guy out of hiding. Set off a bomb, get your picture taken and you have seven million people looking for the Winter Soldier," said Steve.

"Did they frame him to find him or frame because it would be easy?" asked Sharon.

"We looked for two years and couldn't find the guy. They only reason we had him is because he came in for help," said Sam.

"We didn't bomb the UN that turns a lot of heads," said Steve.

"The flaw in it though is doing this doesn't guarantee that they'll get him it means we would," said Sharon and the creeping horror dawned on all of them.

"I'm gonna check on Alison," said David leaving the room. Not twenty seconds the power went out.

"Sub level. Section Five, East Wing," said Sharon. Steve took off with Sam and prayed they got there in time.

…

The alarm wouldn't stop going off and when Alison went to turn it off she couldn't reach it. Her hand was pinned under something. She opened her eyes and her head exploded in pain and blood got in her eye. _Son of a bitch,_ thought Alison. She went to move her hands when it clicked that she had been tied up and there was a gag in her mouth. She recalled feeling the pinch and shock in her back before everything went black.

 _Someone tased me. Are you serious? Damn it,_ thought Alison. She realized that the lights were off and the alarm wasn't a clock, it was an actual alarm. _Bucky._ It took some work but she managed to get the gag out of her mouth.

"HELP! HELP ME!" screamed Alison wondering if she could be heard over the alarm. She rolled over and tried crawling her way over to the door when David came in.

"Oh shit," said David and he got down and cut her loose. Blood came back into joints quickly and Alison picked herself up.

"What's going on?" asked Alison. Before he could answer a voice on the loudspeaker came on speaking in German and then English.

"All non-essential personnel must evacuate the building. A prisoner is on the loose and is extremely dangerous."

"I think we're properly screwed is what. You might have been right about someone framing him and clearly they knew what buttons to push. Steve and Sam went to find him when I was coming for you," said David.

"God damn it," said Alison. They were screwed. Any shot they had of finding the real killer or killers was flushed down the drain. _No. This isn't over with yet,_ thought Alison. She grabbed her bag and then started grabbing up Bucky's journals and his backpack.

"What are you doing?" asked David grabbing her arm.

"The deal is off now. They're going to pin this all on him and whoever killed Jenny, Shawn and all those people is going to get away with it. David...the only way we're going to get anything now is by going against the Accords. I only signed to try to help and now it's not going to happened. Please. We can still help them, but not on the books anymore," said Alison. David sighed heavily and let go of her arm.

"I know somewhere we can go and lay low. We got to get out of here first and try and to regroup with the others," said David. "I want the son of bitch who did this. I don't care if it goes against the Accords or not. I just...we can never go back if we do this. I don't have much of a family anymore to miss me..you...you got people Ally. People that love you and this is going to hurt them. We're going to be tossed in the Raft if they catch us no matter how right we might be. Is he worth it?" asked David. _I don't know. I love him...I think I do, but he left and...now is not the time,_

"This isn't just about Bucky. Whoever did this murdered people. People I cared about. What if this isn't enough for him and he keeps going to hurt more people? People that I may care about. This isn't just about Bucky...I'm pissed off and I want the person who did this in a cell next to me on the Raft," said Alison. It hurt her heart to think of what she was going to have to leave behind to do this. _Sophia, Renee and Sarah...Franklin...my dog...everyone. If someone hurt them I would be doing the same thing. God please let this be the right move,_ thought Alison. David nodded and he grabbed her hand.

"Let's find our people," said David. Alison went to leave the room and then remembered something. She darted back in and grabbed the sweater. Once it was in the pack she and David blended in with the crowd trying to leave. It was chaos outside and the light hurt her eyes a little. _I'm gonna punch that son of bitch when I get the chance,_ thought Alison wiping the blood off her forehead.

"ALLY!" yelled Sam. They spotted him and he sprinted across the courtyard and frowned looking at the cut on her forehead. "What the hell happened?"

"Someone came up behind me and knocked me out. Where's Steve?" asked Alison.

"He went after Bucky. That doctor flipped his switched and...he killed the guards that had been sent to get him. Might have killed me if Steve hadn't distracted him," said Sam. The words felt like the glass cutting her again. He wasn't in control, but the damage was lasting. No one would ever believe Bucky was innocence unless they caught this guy. _Even then it might be too little, too late_

"We got to find Steve and get out of here," said David. They started trying to figure out where they could have gone when they saw the helicopter trying to take off and appeared to be stuck.

"Shit," muttered Sam. They found a police van unattended and started driving to the side of the building where the helicopter was. They heard it crash on the rooftop and saw it tumble into the river. _Oh god damn it,_ thought Alison. They parked and got out searching the river for any sign of them. It felt like hours before Steve surfaced holding an unconscious Bucky.

"Over here," yelled Alison. They managed to get him and Bucky in the van and they drove off before anyone else showed up. David was driving, while Sam cuffed Bucky's metal arm to a pole.

"It might slow him down if he's still not himself," said Sam giving Steve a look. Alison fished in her bag for a med kit when she came across her phone. _It could be tracked. You need to get rid of it._ She memorized the numbers she wanted before smashing it and throwing it out the window. Alison turned her attention to Bucky and tried to not think of what she had just tossed out. _Pictures of Sophia and Renee's wedding. Dumb videos of the dog. Video of Jenny doing Charlie the Unicorn with a drunk Adair and Shawn._

"I suggest if anyone has a phone that can be tracked it gets tossed right now," said Alison checking to see how Bucky was breathing. David tossed his phone and Sam held his up.

"It's a burner so I think we're good. I think Steve's is shot since it fell in the river" said Sam. Steve dug the mangled and waterlogged device out of his back pocket. He looked at her and frowned

"What happened to you?" asked Steve. The wound was clotted, but it hurt like a bitch.

"I was knocked out. I'm going to assume it was by the 'doctor'," said Alison. He was breathing fine, just out cold for a while.

"He got away in the crowd and we don't know if there are any pictures of him from inside," said Sam.

"Where are going?" asked Steve.

"Old SHIELD hideout. It was an out point for agents in the field after Hydra showed up. It should be secure," said David. He drove them to a parking garage where they stole another van and headed to a rundown part of town. He parked in a garage/warehouse that was clearly unused for a while. Their luck was holding out since Bucky stayed passed out while they secured him again. This time it was a machine press clamp on his left arm. It wouldn't hurt him, but it was slow him down in case he wasn't right.

Alison went into a tiny bathroom and started trying to clean up the cut on her forehead. It went from her bangs to her eyebrow. It stung and was going to leave a mark for a day or two. Sam came in and shook his head.

"You alright?" he asked.

"I've had better days," said Alison. Sam hugged her hard and he was shaking a bit.

"Natasha told us you and David were alright. I would have seen you sooner, but Steve…" said Sam and he hugged her again. "I'm glad you're alright."

"I'm glad you're alright too. So you really got into a fight with the Prince of Wakanda?" asked Alison trying to shake her fears about what they were doing.

"Dude dressed up like a cat. Everyone has to have something," said Sam. He got serious and looked at her.

"You and David could still go back. You got us out and we can handle it from here. Lie. Say we made you and…" Alison cut him off.

"You and I have known each other since we were five. You really think I'm gonna leave you in the lurch now?" asked Alison.

"I know you still care about him. I'm not holding that against you. I just want you to be okay," said Sam.

"I'll okay when we get who really did this," said Alison. She went back to the main area and sat down. David was double checking to make sure supplies were still here and Steve was watching for cops or any Task Force member. _Now we just wait for him to wake up,_ thought Alison watching Bucky.

…

Pain. Every part of him hurt and Bucky wondered why his head felt like lead. He groaned and tried to take in where he was. It wasn't the little room anymore and he wasn't in the chair. Instead his left arm was in press of some sort. Bucky groaned again and tried weakly to pull his arm free.

"I wouldn't do that. It would be really stupid," said a voice and Bucky looked to see Alison sitting in front of him. "He's waking up," said Alison and Bucky heard Sam call out to Steve and things were coming more into focus as he looked around. It was a garage or factory and they had him restrained in the press. Alison eyed him careful and Bucky noticed the gash on forehead and the blood on her shirt. _Why am I here? Where am I? What the hell happened and why is my arm in this press. Did I hurt her again? Did I hurt someone else._ Sam stood by her side and he had a grip on her arm. Steve stood off to the side and Bucky couldn't read him.

"Steve?" asked Bucky.

"Which Bucky am I talking too?" asked Steve calmly if not a little coldly. Bucky couldn't blame him. After all he was suspected in a bombing and had been gone for months. _Why am I here?_

"Your mom's name was Sarah. You used to put newspapers in your shoes," said Bucky. He started laughing a little. All of this was so unreal right now he felt he might go crazy. Well crazier than he already was.

"You can't read that in museum," said Steve with a slight grin and Bucky noticed Sam's grip got a little tighter on Alison's arm.

"Just like that we're supposed to be cool?" asked Sam. He was pissed and it wasn't just about how he had left Alison.

"What did I do?" asked Bucky.

"Enough," said Steve. Alison stayed silent and Bucky wished she would stop looking at him. She looked confused and hurt and scared. It was how she looked before he left her in South America. Alison had tried to help him, but everything Hydra did to him was down so deep she didn't stand a chance. Bucky groaned. He should have known this was going to happen again. He started to remember was had happened in bits and pieces.

"Oh God. I knew this would. Everything Hydra put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words," said Bucky. He didn't even want to think about them. What if just thinking about them brought them back?

"Who was he?" asked Steve.

"I don't know," said Bucky. Nothing about him seemed familiar. He could have just been another faceless Hydra goon who knew what the Winter Soldier could do,

"People are dead, the bombing, the setup, the doctor did all that to get ten minutes with you. I need you to do better than I don't know," said Steve. _I know that. It's all scrambled and I can't think and…_

"Focus," said Alison. She had slipped free of Sam and knelt down so she was at eye level with him. "He said the words and he asked you a question. What was it?" asked Alison. Her eyes had that patience look and she gripped his free wrist firmly. "Close your eyes and think," said Alison. Bucky did just that and more things slipped into place. It was easier this way somehow. To not have to look at them and feel that pressure.

"He wanted to know about Siberia. Where I was kept before I was taken to the States. He wanted to know exactly where it was," said Bucky.

"Why would he want to know to know that?" asked Alison and her grip got a little tighter on his wrist. _Mission Report. December 16th 1991._ _I stole something. Howard...I stole and then._ He opened his eyes and looked at Alison.

"Because I'm not the only Winter Soldier," said Bucky. Alison let go of his wrist and got the press off his arm. Bucky sank into the chair grateful for the release. Alison walked over to a table and came back to him with a bottle of water. He watched how Steve and Sam watched her. It reminded Bucky a little bit of how they used to watch Carter when she did whatever she felt like. .

"We need to know everything," said Alison.

"Did you know about the others?" asked Steve and Alison shook her head no.

"It didn't come up," said Alison.

"I didn't really remember them until now and it's not good. I was sent on a mission to recover some Super Soldier Serum. They must have found a way to recreate it," said Bucky. He couldn't bring himself to tell them that he killed Howard and his wife on that mission. It was too much right now. "They used on five volunteers with Hydra. They turned out to be the most lethal death squad put together. More kills than anyone in Hydra history and that was before the serum," said Bucky.

"They turn out like you?" asked Sam and Bucky scoffed.

"Worse."

"Could the doctor control them?" asked Steve.

"Enough. They were a bit harder to control than I was so they were frozen like I was in between missions. He has a book of commands that can be used them so he might stand a chance," said Bucky.

"He said he wanted to see an empire fall," said Steve,

"With them he could make it happen. They speak thirty languages. Can hide in plain sight. Infiltrate, assassinate and destabilize. They could take down a country in one night and you would never see them coming," said Bucky. Steve and Sam went off to speak in corner and Alison knelt back down and brushed his hair away from his forehead. The gesture was so simple and yet it turned him inside out.

"Don't," said Bucky harshly and he jerked away from her

"I'm trying to see about that cut on your forehead. Now hold still," said Alison. It was the nurse tone that meant business and he held still while she cleaned it and made sure it was closing. She looked far away and Bucky had seen it when she had been trying to treat David's gunshot wound. He had seen in Steve's mom when she tended to Steve. _I wonder if we all go to the same space when we're focused._

"Did you take that chip out?" asked Alison.

"What chip?" asked Bucky.

"The one Tony put in that gave you the shocks. Did you take it out?" asked Alison. Bucky remember it and how it was a failsafe to keep him from hurting people. _They should have used it back there,_ thought Bucky.

"No. I forgot about it," said Bucky. She left the room and for a second he wanted to follow her. _She's alive you idiot and you haven't said anything to her yet._ Alison came back into the room with David and a set of tools.

"Before we go we need to get that out. We're going to put your arm back in the press and get it out," said David.

"We?" asked Steve. "After we go, you and Alison are…" David let out a bitter laugh and looked at Alison.

"He does realize that you and I have fucked ourselves over right? We've broken The Accords, we're aiding and abetting right now and oh and you and I were nearly killed by the asshole that started this. We're apart of this now and we're going to see it to the bitter end," said David

"You need us. Plain and simple. You're going against five Super Soldiers. Why not take a guy who can take a bullet right to his temple or another Super Soldier?" asked Alison.

"She might be smart enough to figure out how to take control of them from the doctor," said Sam. Bucky looked at Steve. _Don't. Send them back. Get them out of this before it gets really bad,_ thought Bucky.

"I know about twenty seven languages now. Give me a day and I get another two down," said Alison. Steve sighed and looked them.

"We have calls to make and we need to figure out how to get to Siberia. This isn't like training. You won't be coming into clean up," said Steve.

"We know," said Alison. Steve closed his eyes and nodded. It was all Bucky could do to not scream at all of them. _You're all a bunch of idiots._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	7. On the run

Bucky let Alison and David take the chip out his arm. She knew which one after looking over the notes about what Tony had done with this arm. _When did she do that?_

“That new remembering trick comes in handy,” said David and Alison rolled her eyes. She opened a panel in his arm and carefully removed the chip. She broke it and closed the panel. It was done it in under two minutes. Even Bucky was a bit impressed with how quick she was.

“And yet I always lost when I played Operation,” said Alison. She brushed back a strand of her hair and it was than that he noticed it was green and not some sort of ribbon.

“What did you do to your hair?” asked Bucky and Alison looked at him. They had been apart for months, they had barely spoken when he did call, he thought she had been killed and now here she was risking everything for him and the only thing he could think of was to ask about her hair. _Wow way to go Barnes._

“Jenny did it,” said Alison and she quickly picked up the tools. “I’m going to see if Steve or Sam need help with anything,” said Alison and she left the room. David sighed and unclamped his arm.

“It’s been a real shitty day for all of us. You might wanna give that some thought before speaking. At least to her,” said David.

“You two could still back out,” said Bucky and David scoffed.

“Alison got your message...after the bomb went off though. She didn’t think you did it. She also managed to grab your stuff for safe keeping,” said David pointing the backpack under a table. _My journals,_ thought Bucky with some relief.  He couldn’t stand the idea of strangers having his thoughts and she would have known that better than anyone.

“She swears this isn’t all about you though. That guy killed Jenny and Shawn and we want his head on stick. Maybe it isn’t all about you for her. I don’t know. I know you hurt her when you left and she’s changed. Between what Steve’s blood did to her and you taking off...she’s still Alison, but there is something closed off,” said David. It was on the tip of Bucky’s tongue to ask if they were together. It was petty question considering what was happening, but before he could David scoffed again.

“She’s not my type,” said David. “I’m gonna get stuff together for the road show. You might want to consider your words carefully.” David walked off and Bucky sighed. He went over to his pack and found the sweater along with his journals shoved in the bag. If she had gathered his things she knew he had kept her sweater. _Did she figure that out too?_

Bucky went down the hall and to a room where Steve and Sam were making coded calls and trying to figure out where to go. Alison wasn’t in there and he left Steve and Sam to what they were doing. He found Alison bent over a rather tiny car with the hood up and cursing at it.

“Damn it. I know these are the right wires,” said Alison and she looked down at piece of paper while holding a flashlight to see the parts better.

“What are you doing?” asked Bucky and Alison cursed again as she dropped her flashlight. She looked up to see him and Bucky could see what David meant by ‘closed off’ something was missing in how she looked at him.

“Trying to get this car to work. Steve wants to use it,” said Alison. Bucky raised an eyebrow looking at it. It might be able to fit two or maybe three of them in it. Not all five.

“What about the van?” asked Bucky pointing to white van off to the side.

“David and I are supposed to take it to get Clint and the others,” said Alison. She picked up the flashlight and went back to looking under the hood.

“Let me hold the flashlight so you can see what you’re doing,” said Bucky. She hesitated, but handed over the flashlight so she could work. She found the wires and Bucky watched her attach them. Her hands had healed over cuts on them and he frowned looking at them. It was than Bucky noticed the paper she was reading was a German manual about the car. He knew she spoke Spanish, but German. _I know twenty seven languages now. Give me a day and I’ll get another two down. Jesus what else can she do now._ He knew she was smart, but hell this was freaking him out a bit.

 Alison got in the car and turned it on. It started up and there was a look of satisfaction on her face.  Alison turned it off and started getting fluids out of cabinets to put in the car. She was trying to stay on task and Bucky couldn’t blame her. Time was not on their side. If the so called doctor got there first and woke up the others they were beyond screwed. Alison bent over the hood again and started adding oil and and coolant to the car. Bucky frowned when he saw the cut on her forehead.

“Did I hurt you?” asked Bucky. Alison spilled coolant and looked at him puzzled and slightly annoyed. It was a look that Bucky took to read _Yes. You hurt me. Why is that even a question you need me to answer right now?_  He needed to be clear and his hands shook a little when he pointed at her forehead. “Did I do that?”

For a second her face softened and Bucky could see the real her. The person who cared so much for others and who he had fallen in love with.

“No. You didn’t do this. I was supposed to go in with the doctor to interview you. I was looking at what had been brought when he tased me and knocked me out,” said Alison. She went back to the car and Bucky was left trying to figure out what to say next. David had told him to think, but nothing seemed to sound right.

“I thought you were dead,” Bucky blurted out. Alison’s hands shook a little bit as she put the caps back on. _Did they die quick or did she have to watch them die? Does it really matter? They were her teammates and friends. It’s no different than watching the guy next to you take a bullet._ It felt like years since he called her a civilian who couldn’t understand what being in a war was like. She knew now and Bucky wished she didn’t.

“You and everyone else back home. I guess I got lucky again,” said Alison and quickly blinked back tears and went to start the car again to see how it sounded. It sound fine and she shut it off. When she went to walk away Bucky grabbed her arm and she winced a bit.  

“We need to talk,” said Bucky. Alison eyed him and shook her head.

“Now is a really terrible time to want to talk,” said Alison.   _Doesn’t she know how damn hard this is?_ thought Bucky feeling his face flush.. _Maybe this is hard for her too._ Bucky eased his grip before speaking.

“I know. I know that. I don’t know what to say and I know there isn’t time and…”

“Does it run?” called out Sam.

“Yeah,” called back Alison not taking her eyes off Bucky.

“We got a plan lined up so get in here,” said Sam. Bucky let go of her arm and sighed.

“Later. We’ll talk later,” said Bucky.

“Okay,” said Alison. She went down the hall and Bucky wondered when or if they would ever get to ‘later’.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


“Clint is going to get Wanda and another guy we think can help us out. His name is Scott Lang. You and Alison will pick them up in Postdam,” said Steve point to a small town on a map on the table in front of them. “Sam, Bucky and I will take the longer way to Leipzing. We’ll need a plane to get to Siberia and Leipzing is our best bet to get one. However, the chatter we’ve been able to get is that Tony and the others have thirty six hours to bring us in,” said Steve. Bucky watched as Alison sighed and she looked worried as Steve went on.

“It’s going to take Clint time to bring in the backup, but we’re going to need it. We’re going to wait here for a day before we head out. The less time we’re in the open the better. Sharon is already slipping fake information to the Task Force to buy us some more time. She’s also getting our gear to Hill and she’ll meet us halfway to Leipzing,” explained Steve.

“Even with the fake info going out, we’re pretty sure Tony and the others will know we’re heading to Leipzing to get a plane to head out. However, that works for us since they’ll have a QuinJet and we’ll need that to get to Siberia. Hopefully we can try to talk some sense into him and the others. If not the goal is get to the QuinJet and get out,” said Steve.

“We’re gonna need you to take out the new tracking system. Tony redesigned it after he found Banner and I know you looked it over,” said Sam and Alison nodded.

Bucky thought back to what she had told him about how the serum how affected her. She had gotten some of the healing factor and some of the strength that he and Steve had, but she hadn’t brought up what it had done to her mind. Bucky knew he learned faster after Italy and during his time with Hydra they drilled anything they could about killing and survival into his head. Bucky was sure that would never go away. Steve had always been smart, but after the serum the punk seemed to have gotten a little quicker about somethings. _Well we had to explain what founde was,_ thought Bucky and he very nearly smiled at the thought.

Alison was already smart, well not Tony or Bruce smart, then again Bucky wondered if anyone could be that smart. However from what he was gathering Alison was really good at memorizing damn near anything and recalling it with no trouble now. Something she hadn’t been able to do a few months ago. _Jesus what else can she do now?_ thought Bucky. Steve went on talking and Bucky half listened.

“Once we find a way to turn the doctor in...we’ll figure something out,” said Steve.

“The Accords aren’t going to allow us a lot of wiggle room,” said David.

“Maybe we could get Nelson and Murrock to take our case,” said Alison.

“At least they’ll be cheap. I’m pretty sure all our funds are about to be frozen,” said Sam.

“What are the Accords?” asked Bucky. He looked at Alison when he asked, but it was Steve who answered about what they were. He could see why Steve would never sign anything like it. Steve had his fill of jumping through hoops during the war. _The USO stuff wasn’t all bad. I got to see a lot of the world,_ Steve had joked, but Bucky knew that deep down Steve had hated it. If he hadn’t done that though they would have shoved him in a lab and done whatever they felt like doing to him. No. It would be a very cold day in hell before Steve would ever agree to anything like the Accords. Bucky could also see why Sam wouldn’t have signed it, it was one thing to take orders, but not like this.

“Well we’ll have to compare who’s in deeper shit later,” said David standing up. “Come on. Let’s see if that van is any good,” said David. Alison stood up and let the room with David to work on the van. Bucky watched her leave and felt Sam looking at him.

“Tony used us has leverage to get Alison and David to sign the Accords. They weren’t happy about it, but they did it to help us,” said Sam.

“Jesus,” muttered Bucky. This was without a doubt one of the biggest SNAFU he had ever been apart of. He wouldn’t be surprised if it got even more messed up from here. It scared Bucky to no end to think of what would happen if that guy got control of the others. While he had been forced into what he was they had chosen to be killers for Hydra and under that control. _I can’t go through that again. I can’t,_ thought Bucky.

“I need one of you to promise me that if...if whoever is behind this triggers me again. You’ll take me out if I go that way again,” said Bucky.

“Buck…” started Steve and Bucky stood up and glared at him.

“I would have killed you a few hours ago and not thought a damn thing about it. I would have killed you. I would have killed Sam. I would...you saw what I did when I wasn’t in control. Please. If we’re going into this together I need to know that there is a safeguard of some sort in place just in case,” said Bucky. _The bones broke in her face when I hit her and she looked terrified. Not just for herself, but for me._

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” said Sam and he ignored the look Steve was giving him.

“Thank you,” said Bucky feeling some sort of relief. Sam left the room and Steve sat down and rubbed his forehead. He was starting to get a headache. It was amazing what you could remember about someone seventy some years later.

“I won’t let it come to that again,” said Steve.

“I thought it was all out of me. Than again they put so much in me...I don’t know if I’ll ever get it all out,” said Bucky. Steve looked at him and shook his head.

“We should have focused on deprogramming you more. I’m sorry,” said Steve.

“It’s not your fault and it’s not Alison’s fault either. They had me for years...you two barely had six months. I wanted to remember who I used to be. I liked getting my old memories back...the good ones,” said Bucky. He and Steve were quiet for a few moments before Steve spoke up again.

“I wish you would have come back. We were worried about you and...I wish she would have told me about Spain sooner. I don’t know,” said Steve.

“I didn’t want to come back,” said Bucky and he hated seeing how defeated Steve looked when he said that. “I forgot everything Steve. They put me in that damn chair, fried my brain and said my trigger words. I was a goddamn puppet again. I forgot the last year of my life...I forgot everything again. I thought...I don’t know,” lied Bucky and Steve knew he was lying.

“That we would be safer without you,” said Steve. Bucky scoffed.

“What a stupid thought considering I know how you are. Clearly you gave Alison some of your stupid considering she’s here,” said Bucky trying to joke. “Why did you do it? Why did you give her your blood?” asked Bucky.

“She was going to die. I couldn’t watch her die and not try to save her,” said Steve and Bucky scoffed again.

“So are you going to start giving pints out to everyone?” asked Bucky. He was being an asshole and he knew it too. Steve knew it too and rubbed his forehead again.

“She’s my friend and someone that I knew could be trusted with anything. David and Tony thought it might work and that the side effects would be mild since it wasn’t a full dose of serum with the Vita Rays. It is mild in some ways compared to what we can do and she’s been trying to figure out the other ways it’s different for her,” said Steve. He looked at Bucky and he looked so sincere it pulled at Bucky a bit

“I knew if Alison died you would never come back. That you would never forgive yourself even though it wouldn’t be your fault. I don’t think I would have been okay if she died knowing I didn’t do everything I could to save her,” said Steve.

“I thought almost killing you would be near the top of the list of worst things I ever could have done. I would have watched them hurt her and done nothing to stop it...I can’t...I couldn’t. I let it happen before and I couldn’t stop it,” said Bucky. He shivered thinking about how Georgina had been tortured for hours before they made him kill her. She begged him to do it and it was the only way he could save her. No. Bucky couldn’t handle having that happen again in his life to someone he loved..

“Part of me wanted to come back. I missed you. I missed her. I missed having home and just all of it. I couldn’t though. If they were looking for me again they would know where to find me. They would know who to hurt to get me back. Plus...it’s not just the serum that changed Alison. She killed for me Steve. I remember standing there and I watched her shoot someone that was trying to pin her down. I know why she had to do it...still...she’s not a killer. Yet I know she would have killed anyone in her way to get to me. She never should have been in that position to try and protect me. All this shit in my head though didn’t give her a choice,” said Bucky.  He sighed before going on. He owed Steve some honesty considering everything Steve was putting on line for me

“I also put you into an unfair position too. I  knew she was sick and hurt, I just didn’t know how bad though. I wasn’t thinking right at the time or I would have gotten her help sooner. When I found out what you did to save her...I was jealous. It’s petty, I know that,” said Bucky and he hated seeing how hurt Steve looked. “She saved my life and when she needed me I was gone. I couldn’t help my men back in Italy and you did. You saved my life and I barely saved yours before leaving. You would have been a better man for her,” said Bucky.

“Even if you weren’t in the picture I don’t think we ever could have worked. We were both hung up on people that we needed to let go of,” said Steve. “Even though Peggy wasn’t gone, it was too late for us and I didn’t know how to let that go. Alison was just starting to let go of Matt and we wouldn’t have been fair to each other since we had to many people behind us to be in a relationship,” said Steve.

“I read about Peggy. I’m sorry,” said Bucky.

“She had a really nice life and I’m happy she did. If she was alive she would call us bloody idiots before trying to find a way to help us,” said Steve with a sad smile.

“Did you really think I did it?” asked Bucky. He wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about Alison or relationships anymore. Bucky needed to know this though, had Steve thought him guilty when Alison hadn’t.

“I thought Hydra might have gotten you again and ordered it. Or else you were beyond gone and I couldn’t risk people getting hurt to bring you in,” said Steve. Bucky nodded. Steve knew how dangerous the Soldier could be and Bucky was relieved in someway that Steve would have stopped the Soldier from hurting more people.

“Thank you,” said Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


“During the fall of SHIELD, we still had a lot of agents in the field. Covers were blown. Op’s were in free fall. Agents that were still on our side needed a way out and shelter until they could get back,” explained David taking them to a basement. He stopped in front of a case and moved an oil can to reveal a code panel.

“This was a place to crash until we heard from the Director it was safe to come in,” said David. He entered a code and the case opened into another hallway that lit up the second they were inside.

“Fury?” asked Steve. Alison noticed that David hesitated to a second before agreeing with Steve. David shut the door and reset the alarm.

“We shouldn’t need to keep anyone up for watch. The door will blow keeping them out. There is another way up to the cars from down here so if we have to go quick we can,” said David. Alison shifted her bag and felt Bucky looking at her. She didn’t know what to do and every thought was just a ping pong ball in her head. At least she looked calm on the surface. They followed David down the hall and to the left was a common shower area and on the right were two rooms with cots crammed in.

“Not much, but we can get some shut eye and clean up. I think the frozen stuff should still be good. Lots of can stuff too. Hope you like Hot Pockets and Pea Soup,” said David trying to joke and getting a weak smile from Sam.

“Better than MRE and dirt floors,” said Sam. Steve turned to Bucky and gave his own weak smile.

“Beats sleeping in the woods any day of the week,” said Steve. Bucky shook his head and adjusted his pack. Alison looked at the pack he was carrying and her thoughts started shifting towards what she wanted to ask him about the things in that pack. _Are those the same journals from Spain? What else has he written down? Why the hell did you keep that damn sweater?_

“You thinking again?” asked Sam and Alison realized he had been talking to her and she had zoned out. Stupid. If she was going to go with them she needed to keep her head here.

“Trying to figure out how much this all cost the average taxpayer. I’m starting to think some of Gramps old poker buddies might have been right about hidden government money,” said Alison.

“Nah. We just said it was for some planes or research and we funneled it here,” said David taking them into a dusty kitchen area. David started looking through cabinets for food when Steve told them he was going to take a shower and Sam said he was going to try and get some sleep. He look so tired Alison wondered how he was still on his feet. Steve and Sam left the room and Alison sat down at a table and thought about maybe taking a nap herself right there when a chocolate bar was placed in front of her.

“You need to eat,” said Bucky sitting down next to her. He reached into his pack and pulled out a bar for himself and went to open it when he noticed she hadn’t touched hers yet. “You’re gonna get sick if you don’t eat. Steve tried skipping meals when we were walking back to base camp and the punk almost passed out. Would have been a hell of thing to watch Captain America faint,” said Bucky dryly.

“I know. Found out the hard way,” said Alison. She opened the bar and took a bit. It was good European chocolate. It was stuff she had planned on taking from the mini fridge for the plane ride home. _Home. I need to call Franklin. See if he’ll take care of Bailey while I’m gone. The journals about Bucky.  My work about what I can do and what David is. I need to get that out for safe keeping._

“I take it you don’t stop thinking now?” asked Bucky. _Shit,_ thought Alison. She needed to stop zoning out like that.

“I’m just tired. It’s been a long day,” said Alison making herself eat the chocolate so she wouldn’t have to talk. Bucky kept looking at her and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. She wished he would stop it. She couldn’t think right when he kept those sharp blue eyes trained on her.

“I know,” said Bucky taking a bit of his own bar. Bucky looked down at the table and then back to her. “You really didn’t think I did it?” asked Bucky. She took another bite of chocolate before summing up all the thoughts that lead her to think it wasn’t him.

“It didn’t make sense. You wouldn’t have let yourself be seen any camera and it was sloppy. You had no way of making sure whoever you wanted dead was killed. Not the Soldier's style at all. So if it wasn’t the Soldier than it couldn’t be you. I also got your voice mail...why would you wish me luck if you were gonna try and kill me,” said Alison. Bucky went to take her hand and stopped himself.

“You’re mad at me though,” said Bucky and Alison didn’t trust herself to look at him. She swallowed a lump in throat before speaking. The feelings and thoughts for him were all over the place and she couldn’t settle on one for long. The look Bucky had given her when he asked if he had hurt her had made her want to hug him and tell him everything was alright between when things were far from alright.

“Whoever did this would have done it and used you as a scapegoat to pin it on no matter what. If you had come home proving you didn’t do it would have been so much easier. Well maybe a bit easier. We would have had to work around the Accords, but we could have proved you were innocent,” said Alison.

“You didn’t answer the question,” said Bucky flatly.

“I don’t know if I am or not,” said Alison looking at the table.

“You won’t look at me. You used to be one of the only people who would look me in the eyes. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” started Bucky when Alison did look at him and glared.

“Don’t lie to me. It’s the one thing I’m going to ask from you is that you do not lie to me. You left and when I asked you to come back you said no. ‘I left you. Does that not mean a damn thing to you?’ It did and it still does,” snapped Alison. Bucky sighed.

“Alright. No lies. You’re mad at me and you have the right to be. I thought if I left you would safe from things like this. That if I hurt you enough, you wouldn’t love me anymore. Stupid right,” said Bucky. Alison shook her head.

“It was more than that...maybe you right and you didn’t love me anymore when I asked you to come back. Maybe I was too blind to see it in that moment,” said Alison. Bucky grabbed her arm hard and she winced. Despite the quick healing her arms were still tender with the stitches.

“I love you and it scares me. It was too much and I thought I could deal with it. After that night...I couldn’t. I couldn’t remember that I loved you and it was too much. I couldn’t keep you safe, not just from them, but from me. I was wrong to blame you for things, but I needed you leave. I needed you to be hurt and to go away,” said Bucky sounding desperate.

Alison swallowed that hard lump her throat. Franklin had been right, Bucky did love her and this had been his attempt to show her how much he loved her. It didn’t change though how hurt and alone she had been for the past few months. How she woke up from nightmares and would reach out to find nothing there. That she wanted to talk to him about anything and everything. That she had worried about him all this time. That she had screwed up and this is what she deserved for screwing up. _Love isn’t for you. Don’t you know that._

“I needed you to stay,” said Alison softly. “When I woke up...for a second I really thought you would be there. I’m very used to people going in my life and you think I would be used to it by now. I thought...I really thought you would know how hard is to wake up and be alone,” said Alison. Bucky let go of her arm and looked down at the table.

“Do you still love me. Even a little?” asked Bucky. She had asked him not lie to her and she wouldn’t lie to him either.

“I do. That is what makes this so hard and so damn sad,” said Alison. She left the kitchen and wondered if there was anywhere here she could get ten minutes to herself. If she was going to cry she wanted privacy.

They had both forgotten about David who sat down with a bowl of ramen soup. He had thought fights between Bobbi and Hunter were epic. _At least they just punched each other and it was over it._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  
  


Bucky laid awake listening to people around him sleep. Steve was sleeping on his stomach and there was a deep grunt before he rolled over to his side and settled deeper into sleep. Sam was a heavy sleeper and he looked like death. David snored deeply and muttered something before snoring again. Alison was curled up on her side, the green strand of hair visible even in the very dark room. It was was pretty and it matched her eyes a bit. Alison twitched in and whimpered in her sleep.

Bucky knew how bad nightmares could be for her, he had witnessed a few of them. She had even joked that they got all the nightmares and didn’t leave any for other people. _I really thought you would know how hard is to wake up and be alone._ He did know, knew too damn well how hard waking up alone was. Alison groaned again before getting out of bed. She didn’t know he was awake as she picked her bag up and left the room. _What the hell is doing?_ Was she taking off? Bucky could only hope she had come to her senses and was going to get out of this mess. _If you really think that than you are the idiot here._ Bucky got up silently and followed Alison down the hall to the small living room area.

“I’m fine. I would have called sooner, but things were crazy. I’m sorry I made you worry about me again,” said Alison. There was a long pause before she spoke again.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to join you in Boston anytime soon and I’m sorry about that too. I would have liked being your roommate again,” said Alison and there was a bit of humor and sadness in her tone. Bucky saw Alison on the sofa with her knees pulled up to her chest and she was on a burner phone. Who was talking too though? _Why was she going to Boston?_

“I have a lot of big favors to ask and you might be the only one I can trust to do it. If you don’t want to I understand completely,” said Alison. The pause was longer this time and Bucky heard her fight back tears when she spoke up.

“I love you too and your son was lucky to have you as a father. Alright. I need you to take my laptop and hide it. It has all my work on what the Super Solider Serum has done to me and what becoming Inhuman has done to David. I don’t trust Tony to not hand it over to Accord Panel to use against us. He’s kind of pissed off right now and not in a frame of mind to be making good choices. You can look over all of it if you want. I trust you with my work. Password is WonderWoman1030...yeah the W are capital letters. I need you to go into my office and I have about five journals with all my session notes and research about Bucky and Hydra. I need those hidden. They’re proof about what was done to him and I might need those in future.” There was another long pause before Alison spoke again.

“Any hope of proving he’s innocent is in those journals and I need them kept safe. He has some here and I’ll try to figure out how to get them to you to keep safe. I know by asking you to take them it’s putting you in Accord cross hairs.” Another long pause before she let out a small shaky laugh.

“If you want to bury them in your backyard you can. Just put them in a waterproof  lock box so they don’t get damaged. The last one might be the biggest one...can you take Bailey for me?” asked Alison and she choked back a sob. Bucky sighed recalling the dog Tony had given Alison has a gift after her grandfather died. _She said it was our dog. It was nice having someone to share things with again._

“She’s a good dog and she’s housebroken. You might have to watch your shoes though. She likes to chew things...I’m not sure if my bank account has been frozen yet. I have an extra debt card in my desk. The pin is 8657. Take as much as you need for her. No...I want you too,” There was another very long pause and Bucky could Alison sniff and she was trying not to cry.

“No...just give her lots of pets for me and tell her she’s a good girl. I’ll find a way to get a message to Sophia and Renee. I’m sure Renee is pissed at me and Sam right now. She never really approved of either one of signing up for this. I have to do this though...it’s the right thing to do. You guys mean everything to me and this man won’t stop unless we stop him,” said Alison. Bucky shook his head, she cared so much for people and she was giving up everything to keep them safe. He had tried to do the same, but it had been mixed with his own fear of what he was. She wasn’t scared though and he wondered if she really did get the stupid from Steve.

“You were right though...he left because he loves me. Doesn’t change how mad I am at him and I told him so. I think the doctors would be super proud of me for being so open with my feelings. I told him I still loved him too and then I locked myself in a closet and cried. I don’t know where we go from here. I knew things wouldn’t be normal between us since we are who we are, but I was happy with him. Even after what happened...I still loved him and I told him that. Why wasn’t that enough?” asked Alison fighting back her tears. Bucky wished he had an answer for her. He thought she would fall out of love him sooner or later and he was stunned by how wrong he was.

“Take care yourself old man. I love you too,” said Alison. Bucky heard her sigh and sniff again. He started to walk in the room and stopped himself. What could he say to her now? Bucky went back to the room and tried to go back to sleep. He waited for Alison to come back to the room and it was another hour before she came back to the room and curled up in her cot. Both of them faked sleep until Steve got up to wake the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts are always welcome


	8. I shall go with them

Alison checked the stitches on her arms and legs. She would give them another day or two before taking them out. She let out a dry chuckle thinking that if she wasn’t a lite version of a Super Solider the cuts might take another week or two to heal properly. They itched though which was a good sign, it meant they were healing. No sign of infection either which was a huge plus in her book. If she had gone home she would have made note of the injury and healing time for her research.  _ If we were home you wouldn’t have these injuries to document since a bomb wouldn’t have gone off. People would still be alive and you wouldn’t be here now. _ Alison rewrapped her forearms and legs carefully before getting dressed. 

Thankfully a female agent had  left some clothes behind and Alison changed into a pair of jeans and a long sleeved tee shirt. The sweater she had worn yesterday was covered in grease from working on the cars and had drops of blood on it from the cut on her forehead. The cut was also healing, but she covered it with some foundation and powder that had also been left behind. The less noticeable she was the better considering they had over a two hour road trip ahead of them. Alison dried her hair and debated cutting the green strands of hair off since they were very noticeable. No. She would keep them until they faded. It was a small way to honor her teammates. She could toss on a wig if need be. A lot of stuff had been left behind for an agent looking for a way out. Alison dried her hair before pulling it back in a ponytail and heading into the kitchen. 

She felt oddly calm considering all the things that could go wrong in the next couple of hours. She and David were to get Clint, Wanda and the new guy before meeting Steve, Sam and Bucky at the the airport. Hopefully they could talk sense into Tony and the others about what had happened. Surely they would see that the Accords were wrong on this and they needed to stop the man who did this. If not...she would have to fight people she considered friends like Natasha and Rhody.  _ Haven’t you lost enough people? _ It was a dull ache to think about what she was leaving at home. Franklin had told her he would take any message she sent him to Sophia and Renee. Alison had written them a letter explaining everything as best she could. 

It had given her time to try and puzzle out her own feelings and motives. She was doing the right thing and she didn’t doubt that. However she did wish she had taken more time before talking to Bucky. She had been honest about her feelings, but had been too emotional to handle his feelings yesterday. Bucky did love her and had tried his best to keep her safe, but he was also scared of how he felt and it was also why he ran. She had tried to bring him home, but she hadn’t been in the best frame of mind to see the big picture. Than again he was an adult and she didn’t think anything would have changed his mind. She did wonder if he ever would have come back on his own. If the bombing hadn’t happened would he have stayed in Romania while she tried to start over again in Boston.  _ We’ll never know now and so it’s pointless to go down that rabbit hole. _

They were all having breakfast when she came into the kitchen .Alison grabbed a thing of blueberry pop tarts and a cup of coffee before sitting down next to Sam. He elbowed her and grinned a little. 

“We’re about to throw down with some Hydra drones and you put on make up,” said Sam. Alison rolled her eyes and Steve gave a sad little smile.

“Peggy always looked put together no matter what she was doing. Never thought I would see a lady in lipstick telling me to do push ups,” said Steve. Bucky gave a sheepish smile. 

“She would always touch up her lipstick before going into the field. She said it didn’t matter what was going to happen, she was going down looking presentable,” said Bucky. Alison sipped her coffee and gave her own sheepish grin. 

“Well I might as well look nice for Clint and company,” said Alison. They went back to eating and Alison could feel Bucky’s eyes on her and she took another sip of her coffee to force that lump down and gather up her nerve. They needed to talk and she needed to be rational. She sat her coffee cup down and her hands only shook a little.

“Can we talk? Privately?” asked Alison looking at Bucky. She tried ignoring how the other men in the room were looking at her. Alison couldn’t read Bucky as he nodded and followed her to bedroom. She knew they would be leaving soon so she cut right to the chase.

“I’m going to need your journals,” said Alison. Bucky looked stunned before going blank. 

“Why?” asked Bucky. 

“I’m going to send them to Franklin for safe keeping. I called him last night and he’s going to hide the other notebooks I have on you along with some other private information,” said Alison. “I don’t want it laying around and falling into the wrong hands. He’ll keep it all safe,” said Alison.

“No,” said Bucky flatly and Alison saw a worried and panicked look in his eyes before they grew cold. “I’m not giving them to anyone. I’ll hide them here and I’ll know where they are. They’ll be safe that way,” said Bucky. 

His tone was hostile and it reminded Alison of when she had first started trying to treat him. He was mad and scared about everything happening to him. She had been a convenient target for his mad and she hadn’t taken it personally. Now she was trying not to take it personally. Their conversation yesterday hadn’t been the best, despite being truthful. They would have to talk to again when their emotions weren’t running so high and when they both really had time to talk and think things through. Despite everything she did love him.  _ I just don’t know what to do with it or where we go now.  _ What Alison needed to figure out now was if he was really mad at her or with everything that was happening to him. 

“What if someone finds this place and your journals?  We won’t have them anymore. At least we’ll sort of have them if I give them to Franklin for safe keeping. Nothing will happen to them. He won’t read them and I promise they’ll be safe,” said Alison. Bucky shook his head and while his tone was cold, his eyes held that worried look.

“Are you just going to walk into a post office and mail them? You might draw some attention,” snapped Bucky. 

“I’m going to use a wig and some glasses along with a fake name to send them to him. I’ll be careful with them when I go to send them. You can trust me,” said Alison. The worried look didn’t go away, but the cold tone of his voice did. 

“I need them,” said Bucky softly. “If I forget again...I’ll have them to remind me of everything,” said Bucky. Alison felt her heart twist and she took his left hand without thinking. 

“I won’t let you forget. I’ll tell you anything you want to know,” said Alison. Bucky shook his head and looked at her hand in his metal one. 

“I forgot you again. If you had gotten in my way yesterday I might have killed you too,” said Bucky. 

“I know you’re scared and that it hurts you when you go back. It scares and hurts me too. I know that isn’t you, not the real you. I know what that side of you can do though and I would do anything to make it go away,” said Alison. 

She wondered if she or anyone could ever really get rid of that side of Bucky. They had built that side of him up for almost seventy years, Who knows how long it would take to take it down. She had some ideas, but who knows if they would work and if she was the right person to attempt it considering their history. The metal fingers skimmed over her wrist and hand and Bucky kept looking at her hand. 

“I trust you...I don’t trust myself. I thought I could...that I could you love you and it was going to be alright again. When I forgot you that first time and I asked who you were...I saw how hurt you were. I broke your heart in that second. You didn’t tell me I loved you then,” said Bucky.

“You...it would have scared you and I didn’t want to scare you away,” said Alison and her throat got tight. “I would have told you about us in time,” said Alison. Why couldn’t they have talked like this yesterday?  They had time yesterday and they both tossed it away stupidly. Maybe she should have woken him up last night to talk after she had gotten off the phone. So many maybe’s. Alison felt Bucky’s grip tightened on her wrist and Alison looked up at him and waited. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Bucky let his metal fingers linger over Alison’s wrist and hand. She had taken his hand again and hadn’t let go of it. It scared him how much he had wanted her to touch him again. It scared him when she had touched him yesterday to check the cut on his head. He had wanted her to look at him again and when she did he saw the separation had been just as hard on her, maybe harder in some ways. She had been right about how hard and sad this was. 

“I got scared anyway Ally...why are you doing this. Really?” asked Bucky and Alison shrugged. 

“A lot of reasons. You. I can’t leave Sam. My friends that were killed, my friends who might get hurt if we don’t stop this guy. I wish I could pick one reason and call it a day. It would be easy if I had just one reason,” said Alison. 

“Why am I one of the reasons?” asked Bucky. Alison blinked and looked up the ceiling before speaking.

“I meant it when I said I still loved you. It hurt when you left though. God it hurt...it was like Matt all over again...only you didn’t want to be with me. Than again I shouldn’t have gotten so involved with you. Well...no taking that back. No matter how this shakes out, you’re innocent of this and a lot of other things. I want you to be happy. Someday. The notebooks prove what happened to you and I want to keep them safe so you can be happy. Try to have some sort of life again,” said Alison. 

It shook something in Bucky to hear her tell him that she loved him on the same level as a person she had spent years with and planned on marrying. Why? Why did she fall so in love with him? It didn’t make sense. Maybe he would never make sense of it and he should just accept it for what it was. She loved him and clearly nothing was going to move her. 

“With you or without you?” asked Bucky. 

“ You hurt me. Badly. It wasn’t all your fault, but you did hurt me. The last six months have been hard. Trying to adjust to you being gone...what the serum does to me. I was gonna leave after the Accord signing. Go up to Boston with Franklin and just start over again. I’m getting oddly good at starting over,” said Alison and she let out a bitter laugh. “I don’t know...love hasn’t sat right with me.  If you want to be with me...we can try. If not,” Alison gave a little shrug. “It’s no different than how things have been in my life the last few years. I’ll be okay,” said Alison. 

What the hell was he supposed to say to that? She looked tired to him and yet there was something hard in her eyes. Acceptance. She had accepted that he would let her go again and that she would go back to how it was before him.  _ Waking up alone.  She got used to waking up alone too.  _

“Guys. We need to get this show on the road,” called Sam from down the hall. Alison looked up at him again and it was the clam look mix with that hard acceptance.

“I need those journals,” said Alison. Bucky let go of her hand and got the journals out of the backpack. He pressed them into her hands hard. She looked a little stunned and then she nodded gravely. 

“Don’t read them. If I forget something again, maybe it’s for the best,” said Bucky. He wasn’t ready to tell Alison about him and Natasha yet, No matter how brief it was or long ago it was, they were on a tightrope and anything could tip them over now. 

“Alright,” said Alison softly. She went to step away when his grip got tight on her hands. What if something happened and she didn’t make it to the airport? What if something happened at the airport and she got hurt? What happened if they made it to Siberia and they didn’t make it out?  Alison looked up him and those green eyes simply waited for his move.  _ Say something...do something you idiot.  _

Bucky let go of her hands and Alison left the room. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Steve said it would be easier to hide if he sat in the backseat. Now he was crammed behind Sam in what amounted to a tin car with four wheels. Alison had got the car to run and the AC worked, but the brakes were questionable and there was an odd smell in the car.  _ Anyone who caught us in this thing would laugh their asses off, _ thought Bucky trying to move his legs.

“Should have made Ally hand over her I-pod. At least the radio works in the van,” said Sam fiddling with the radio and getting nothing but static. 

“I’m sure they’re enjoying all the Euro pop,” said Steve. Sam found a station that was a news outlet and they drove listening to man hunt about them. Bucky winced a little when he heard the body count from his breakout. He hadn’t meant to hurt those people and he would have to owe up to that too.  _ It was me, but it wasn’t me. How do I even explain that to those people’s families? _

“You alright?” asked Sam eyeing him through the rearview mirror. 

“I’ve had better days,” said Bucky. 

“We all have,” said Sam and Bucky sighed. Sam wasn’t being overly hostile, but he wasn’t ready to call him a friend again. Bucky had a feeling it was more than punching him in the face. 

“I’m sorry for how things went down with Alison,” said Bucky. Steve tensed as Sam shrugged.

“I’m not the one you need to be sorry with,” said Sam and Bucky sighed. Loyal. Sam Wilson was loyal to the core and it’s why he and Steve got along so damn well. 

“You matter to her and I know what she means to you,” said Bucky. Sam shook his head.

“It messed her up when you left. Well trying to figured out all the ins and outs of the serum also played a part. She started sleeping in my room for a few weeks after you left. Nightmares. After Spain though, she tied getting over you and well she did a good job at fooling most people,” said Sam and Bucky nodded. 

“She said she was gonna go to Boston,” said Bucky and Steve looked at Sam.

“She didn’t tell me,” said Steve.

“She wrote a letter. Don’t know what it said, but she wasn’t going to stay on if she had to sign the Accords. Franklin offered her a place to crash and well might have been good for her. I had no plans on staying if we had to work under that nonsense either,” said Sam. 

“So why are you here?” asked Bucky.

“Because the guy who really did this needs to go down,” said Sam. “Beside. I have to make sure my girl is looked after. Just because she can kick my ass now, doesn’t mean I’m not going to make sure she’s okay,” said Sam.

“The offer still stands if you wanna hit me,” said Bucky. 

“Do not think I haven’t given it thought,” said Sam. Steve shook his head and went on driving. Bucky looked out the window and thought about what Sam had just said.

“Ally kicked your ass?” asked Bucky trying to hide his amusement.

“I went easy on her and that just pissed her off,” said Sam. Bucky touched the dog tags and wondered if she would ever ask for her father’s tag back.  _ She can keep mine. I want her too, it’s really all I can give her. _ They drove for about an hour when they went off the main road and onto a side road and down what could be a country road. Maria was waiting for them and she looked a bit annoyed leaning against the car. Steve parked and the car gave a bit of lurch as it stopped. 

“I don’t think you know the meaning of a getaway car,” said Maria. 

“It’s low profile,” said Steve walking over to meet her. Bucky shifted in the seat feeling that his legs were about to go to sleep.

“Can you move your seat up?” asked Bucky. 

“No,” said Sam. Yeah this car was not meant for anyone over five feet, thought Bucky. Maria was showing Steve what she had in the truck. Somehow Sharon had managed to get Steve’s shield and Sam’s wings to her. Sharon would have to go underground after this and Bucky wonder if Sam was going to be alright with that. David had helped him go through some of the leftover SHIELD gear for protective gear. It felt oddly familiar to be putting on tach gear again. That had been stoved in the truck of this car. 

Maria looked over and gave a little wave as Bucky decided to move to the middle seat for some more leg room. They couldn’t hear what was being said between Steve and Maria, but she gave him a little smile and Steve looked nervous when he smiled back. Steve bent down quickly and kissed her, Maria was stunned for a second before she kissed Steve back.

“About damn time. They’ve been dancing around for months,” muttered Sam. Bucky felt happy for Steve.  _ About time you did something, _ thought Bucky. Maria nodded and said something before getting in the car. Steve turned around and saw them both grinning at him. He rolled his eyes at them before picking up his gear, Sam’s gear and shutting the trunk. Steve dumped their gear in the truck and got back in the car.

“Well all it took was becoming a criminal and a traitor for you to kiss her,” said Sam.

“Shut up,” said Steve putting the car back in drive. 

“I meant to ask earlier...how did that dinner go with her?” asked Bucky. 

“I hate you both,” said Steve.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Alison was a bit surprised to see that she looked good as blond. She put the coke bottle glasses on before going into the post office. The man at the counter who must only be in his twenties looked her up and down before greeting her. Alison sat the three journals down and asked for a box to ship them in. It was a bit jarring to her to hear herself speak German. It had been easy enough to learn, but she didn’t think she would really need it. It had been something to kill the time with. For such lite objects their weight pressed on her. His life was in these three slim books. She had held them in her lap the whole drive here. It had been tempting to read them, too see what he really thought. She couldn’t break his trust that way though. 

The young man came back with a slim Fed Ex box. Alison wrote it was from Anna Bates and used a fake address the David had given her for the warehouse. She put two journals in and held onto the third. 

“I’m so silly. This one isn’t finished. I can’t send it yet,” said Alison and she slipped the third journal into her bag. She sealed the box and paid the young man in cash. He wished her a good day before taking her package back. Alison started walking the six blocks back to the van. As she passed a park she pulled the journal and her I-pod out of the bag and sat on a bench. David told her she needed to ditch her wallet and ID as soon as possible. 

Once this was over they would all need new ID’s and the like. Still it felt odd to just toss her purse with her wallet and all the odds and ends of her life away. She had a small medic bag that could hold the journal and the I-pod in it. It was silly, but she wanted some part of her old life with her. Matt had gotten this I-pod for her as a birthday gift a few months before his death. She had started using it again when she had gotten out of the hospital. She and Bucky had shared it when he wanted to listen to new music.  _ He needs you. It’s not going to easy, it’s going to suck and people are going to get hurt. They’re going to need you though. It’s who you are. _ That’s what Matt had told her in her coma dream. Alison wasn’t sure if she believed in ghosts or was it her own subconscious preparing her for this.  _ When my brothers go to prison I shall go with, _ thought Alison recalling the poem Matt has asked her about. They might all pay for this, but it was the only way now.

She touched her dog tags and felt the difference between her father’s tag and Bucky’s tag. She wished her father could have known Bucky. Alison wondered if either her parents would understand why she was doing this. Alison thought her grandfather would be proud of her. She would miss going to his grave and talking to him. There was a whole list of things she was going to miss. Alison tucked the I-pod and headphones into her back pocket and held the journal tightly. They would each need a touchstone to their past once this was over. She gave her cash to an old woman feeding the birds. The old woman called after her this was a mistake, but Alison dashed off . Alison tossed her purse and wig in a dumpster two blocks from where she was supposed to meet David. 

David said nothing as Alison shoved the journal into the medic bag. It was a tight fit, but it would have to do. The I-pod and headphones were small enough to fit in a pocket in her pants. Now she just needed to make sure it didn’t break. They sat in silence until the got the signal that Clint had landed. 

“Let’s get this show on the road,” said David. They picked up Clint, Wanda and a tired looking man who Alison assumed was Scott Lang.  _ The tiny ninja. If this wasn’t so damn serious I would laugh until I cried, _ thought Alison. Wanda hugged her tightly and Alison felt a bit horrible for not calling her sooner. 

“I tried to call you to see if you were alright, but Vision said I couldn’t until things were straightened out the The Accords. I’m glad you’re okay,” said Wanda. Wanda frowned when she noticed the cut on Alison’s forehead. 

“It’s fine. I’m alright. Are you okay?” asked Alison. She knew how hard Wanda was on herself and coming here was a huge leap for her. She wondered how they got away from Vision and how okay Wanda was going against her friend.

“I had to do something. This is clearly the only way. I know he would do it for me too,” said Wanda. There were a lot of he’s on the team, but Alison was sure she meant Bucky. 

“Come on. We need to get going,” said David. Alison climbed in the very back since Scott had crawled in the middle seat and passed out.  _ Big baby. He better be what Sam says he is, _ thought Alison. Wanda sat next to her while Clint took the wheel and David took shotgun. 

_ When my brothers go to prison, I shall go with them.  _ Yes. Alison would go with them and hoped they would all come out one way or another. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Steve threatened to turn them all in if they didn’t stop mocking him about Maria Hill. Bucky debated if turning himself in would be better than spending another hour in the death trap of a car with his legs falling asleep. When he did voice that thought Sam grinned a little. 

“Three squares a day, a cot and free healthcare. It would be shame that we would have to let the world possibly go to hell to make it happen,” said Sam. 

“I could just kick you two out of this car,” muttered Steve. 

“I would have to unfold myself before you could kick me out,” said Bucky. They passed a sign that said the airport was the next exit on the right. They were radio silent for right now. They didn’t want to risk Tony or any task force hearing them. Alison, David and the other were supposed to be there waiting.  _ What if they got caught? Would they take them alive or kill them on sight the way they wanted to with me, _ thought Bucky. Did Tony tell them what Alison could do now? They had explained to Bucky that David was also Enhanced now and that he was also considered dangerous by The Accords. 

This shit show just kept getting deeper and part of Bucky was kicking himself for letting Alison send the journals away. He should have firmly told her no and it at that. Still, there had been a second when Alison had looked at him and he could see a hint of woman who had given him coffee on a spring morning. If she wasn’t there….if she wasn’t there and if she didn’t come out of this with them...he would kill the bastard who did this and turn himself in. Steve would be hurt, but honestly Bucky couldn’t see why he should try anymore if he was going to keep losing everything. Steve would be safer without him in the long run and they would even cut Steve a deal. Afterall he was Captain America. 

The white van was in the agreed upon spot and Bucky winced as the breaks whined before the heap parked. He watched as Steve greeted Clint and Alison, David and Wanda got out of the van.  _ So far, so good, _ thought Bucky.

“How’s the new recruit?” asked Steve.

“He’s rarin to go. You might have to put some coffee in,” said Clint. He opened the van door loudly and a man flinched into alertness.

“What time zone is this?” asked the man looking at Clint. Clint shoved him forward towards Steve and the man’s face froze into wonder and shock. He took Steve’s hand and started shaking it.

“Captain America!” This must be Scott Lang. Bucky couldn’t tell much about him, but he was clearly a fan of Steve’s.

“This is an honor. I’m shaking your hand too long,” said Scott with a nervous joy. Wow this is awesome!.” He looked back at Wanda grinning. “It’s Captain America. Oh I know you too and you’re great.”  _ Weren’t you in a plane in a van with her for a bit. Are you just now realizing what is going on? _ Thought Bucky. Well Steve did have that effect on some people and Bucky almost fell over laughing when Scott grabbed Steve’s shoulders and squeezed them. 

“Geez. I just wanna say you must know a ton of super people. So thinks for thanking of me!” said Scott and he turned to Sam and grinned. “Hey man!”

“What’s up Tic Tac,” said Sam also trying to keep from laughing right now. 

“Uh it’s good too see you...listen about last time…” said Scott and Bucky wondered what happened last time between him and Sam.

“It was a great audition, but it will never happen again,” said Sam with a smile.

“Tiny ninja kicked your ass,” coughed Alison and David grinned while Steve shook his head.

“Do you know what we’re going up against?” asked Steve. He was bring them back to the reality of things. A break was needed, but business needed to handled. Steve had always been good at that. When he or Dugan would crack jokes, it had been Steve to pull them back in. Not in a mean or short tempered way, but calmly remind them of the job at hand. At times old Bucky had thought Steve was too serious, now he needed this Steve. 

“Something about some psycho assassinas,” said Scott.  

“We’re outside the law on this one. So if you come with us, you’re a wanted man,”  said Steve. Yep. Steve could always be counted on to simplify the complicated. Bucky looked at Alison and she had braided her hair back. Her eyes held a hard look and Bucky debated begging her one last time to go even though he knew it would be pointless to ask her. There was a part of Bucky that was proud of her for that. Another part of him wanted to shake her for being so stupid about him.  _ If I could settle on one feeling about her for five minutes that would be great, _ thought Bucky.

“Yeah. What else is new?” asked Scott with a slight grin. 

“We should get moving,” said Bucky. He wanted to avoid any fight with the others if it could be done. It wouldn’t be right to have Steve and the others fighting over this.  _ It always ends in a fight though, _ thought Bucky. 

“Got a chopper lined up,” said Clint. It was the decoy until they could find a Quin Jet or another plane to take them. The P.A buzzed and man started telling them in German to leave the airport due to a terrorist threat. Bucky wasn’t sure if they all spoke German, but he noticed Alison shook her head at the word Terrorist. 

“They’re evacuating the airport,” said Bucky. 

“Stark,” said Sam looking at Steve for orders.

“Stark?” asked Scott and his face was hard to read. It looked like disgust though.

“Suit up,” said Steve. 

“We’ll let you ladies have the van,” said Clint. 

“Thank you for thinking of us,” said Wanda with a little bow. Alison pulled gear out for Clint, David and Scott before getting into the van and shutting the door. David eyed the SHIELD gear. 

“Never thought I would be putting this on again,” said David. He went over to another car and started getting dressed behind it. Steve popped the trunk and handed Bucky his gear. Bucky had already pulled off his shirt and caught Steve eyeing the seam of his metal arm to his body before handing the gear over. It was the very physical reminder of what had been done to him. Alison had asked him once if it hurt and it did hurt, but he really didn’t notice it now. They got dressed in silence. Bucky eyed the odd mask Scott was putting on with his costume, but said nothing. It served has a helmet to protect his odd little mind. 

“Is everyone dressed?” asked Alison. Sam clipped his pack on. 

“Yeah. You can come into the locker room now,” said Sam. Both women got of the van and Alison was fastening a small backpack on. The staves her attached to legs so the were easy to grab and defend herself. It was a basic black SHIELD outfit and jacket and she looked oddly at ease it in.  _ During our first mission she hated how heavy the gear felt and she couldn’t sleep in her suit.  _ Once again that odd feeling of pride in her came over Bucky.  _ That’s my girl, _ he thought. Alison carefully tucked her necklace down her jacket and Bucky noticed an odd lump in pocket. 

“You and Bucky get into the terminal and see if Red Wing can find the Quin Jet. Wanda, I need you and Clint to stay here. I’m pretty sure Tony is going to try something and we’ll need you up here for cover,” said Steve. He looked over at Alison and David before telling them they were to follow him till he got to the exit. 

“ When I get to the exit, stay out of sight. Once Sam tell us where the jet is, just try getting to it has fast as you can. We’ll need you to take out the trackers,” said Steve and Alison nodded. “If you have to defend yourself, do it,” said Steve and Bucky had feeling this was more for Alison than for David. 

“Now I would like to see that trick you happen to be so well know for. They’re going to try and take my shield. I’ll need you on it,” said Steve. Bucky was sure Scott was grinning as he put hand on Steve’s shield.

“I won’t let you down sir,” said Scott. He pushed a button and disappeared before their eyes. 

“Lang?” asked Steve. Their ear pieces filled with Scott’s voice. 

“I’m on the handle. Look,” said Scott. They all gathered around and a tiny red speck was jumping up and down. 

“Son of bitch,” muttered Bucky. 

“Well that’s a good party trick,” said David. 

“I think we should call you Mirco,” said Alison.

“Damn I didn’t think of that. Oh well too late to change names,” said Scott. 

“Well hold here for another two minutes. You and Sam will go first and then Wanda and Clint will take their positions. We’ll wait another two minutes before we go,” said Steve. David nodded and Alison looked ready to go.  _ Two minutes...two minutes.  _ Bucky grabbed Alison’s arm and the padding felt odd to him. 

“Watch his back,” said Bucky nodding his head towards Steve.  _ Be careful. Don’t get hurt.  _ _ Please.  _ Alison looked at him and he could see a hint of the woman who brought him coffee, 

“Okay,” said Alison. Bucky let go of her arm and followed Sam into the airport.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts


	9. Battleground

It was an oddly silent has he and Sam took their positions inside the terminal. Sam was controlling some sort of drone that was scanning for the others and a Quin-Jet. Bucky was keeping the time in his head. It had been two minutes since he and Sam had taken their post. Wanda and Clint would be taking their spots soon. Soon it would be Steve, Alison, David and Scott. _Why does it always end in fight?_ thought Bucky he scanned the airfield and he saw a figure with red hair taking cover. _Natasha,_ thought Bucky. Would Alison even stand a chance in a fight with her? Natasha had been training since childhood and she had trained Alison. _How bad would Natasha hurt Alison if they got into?_ Would he have to fight her? _You could at least recognize me,_ said Natasha. The Soldier in him should have considering their past. Who else was out there waiting for them. How far would they go to stop each other? _God let Steve talk to Tony and get him to come with us. We need to stop the others._ It was almost like whatever power that was decided to give Bucky what he wanted.  He heard Tony talking to Steve through the earpiece.

“Wow it’s so weird how you run into people at the airport. Don’t you think that’s weird?” asked Tony.

“Definitely weird,” said Rhodey and Bucky wasn’t surprised that Rhodey would be here with Tony.

“Hear me out Tony,” said Steve. “That doctor, the psychiatrist, he’s behind all of this. He attacked Alison so he could get to Bucky..” started Steve. It went quiet and then another voice spoke up that Bucky couldn’t place.

“Captain,” he said.

“Your Highness,” said Steve and Bucky cringed. It was the Prince of Wakanda. _He thinks I killed his father. He was man in the black suit who tried to kill me. Would have if Steve hadn’t stepped in,_ thought Bucky.

“Anyway,” said Tony. “Ross gave me thirty six hours to bring you in. That was twenty four hours ago. Can you help a brother out?” asked Tony. God it sounded almost reasonable what Tony was asking for. It would be wasting time though when they could all be working together to stop the real person behind all this. _Come on Steve. Talk him into helping us,_ thought Bucky.

“You’re after the wrong guy,” said Steve.

“Your judgment is askew. I thought that too after he called Alison. Maybe he was trying to get her out. After what he did in Berlin...your old war buddy killed innocent people yesterday. He needs to be held accountable for that,” said Tony. _I will gladly go to court, toss me in cell, I did those thing...but let us stop something even worse than me,_ thought Bucky.

“And there are five more super soldiers just like him,” countered Steve. “I can’t let the doctor find them first, Tony. I can’t,” said Steve.

“Steve,” said Natasha coming out of her hiding spot. She sounded sad, but resolved in her choice. _Jesus. Did you give all the women iron in their spines?_ thought Bucky.

“You know what’s about to happen. Do you really want to punch your way out of this one?” asked Natasha. Steve said nothing, but Bucky could imagine the look of resolve in Steve’s face and Tony sighed.

“All right, I’ve run out of patience. Underoos!” called Tony. _What in the world?_ Thought Bucky. He didn’t hear anything for a few moments until Tony told someone that they had done a good job. A stammering voice came through and Tony shushed him. _God it sounds like a kid. Younger than Wanda even...shit,_ thought Bucky.

“You’ve been busy,” mused Steve calmly.

“And you’ve been a complete idiot,” snapped Tony. “Dragging in Clint. Getting Alison and David to break The Accords. “Rescuing” Wanda from a place she doesn’t even want to leave. A safe place. I’m trying...I’m trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers from apart,” said Tony. He sounded so sad and desperate that Bucky felt for him. _I’m so sorry for what I did to you in the past. I need to owe up to that too. Just let us fix this first and I’ll go. I’m sorry Ally…Come on Steve._

“You did that when you signed,” said Steve so calmly it chilled Bucky a little.

“All right. We’re done!” snapped Tony. “You are going to turn Barnes over. You are gonna come with us now, because it’s us or a squad of J-SOC guys with no compunction about being impolite. Come on,” pleaded Tony.

“We found it,” said Sam into his com and it snapped Bucky out of his thoughts. “Their Quin Jet is in hanger five, north runway,” said Sam.

“Alright Lang,” said Steve.

“Let’s get going,” said Sam. Bucky took off with Sam and tried to listen to what was going on outside with his earpiece. Bucky saw something out of the corner of his eye and it was someone dressed in a red and blue suit and he was... _Is he crawling on the glass?_

“What the hell is that?” asked Bucky.

“Everyone’s got a gimmick now,” muttered Sam. The person crawled quickly before firing some sort of rope and swinging into the terminal and kicking Sam. Bucky went to punch the figure and he easily grabbed his arm.

“You have a metal arm?” said the man. No. This was the young voice he had heard through his earpiece. He was a kid and he sounded excited. “That is awesome, dude!” Bucky was stunned. _Where the hell did you come from and what the hell is Tony thinking?_ Before Bucky could react Sam flew in and was flying away with the wall crawling boy. Bucky took off behind them and heard things blowing up outside. _Be okay Ally,_ thought Bucky.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Alison had offered to go out with Steve and help talk with Tony and the others.

“I am sort of a shrink afterall. My job is getting people to talk and helping them get along,” said Alison as they made their way down. Steve looked at her and Alison could feel the age difference between them and there was a lot of wisdom in those years even though he had missed most of them.

“Let me talk to Tony. I’ve known him longer and we’ve been able to work through our disagreements before,” said Steve. Alison had agreed and now she was regretting it has she listened to the two men fight. _Two Alpha Males walk onto the field of battle,_ thought Alison. Rhodes was here and so was Natasha and T’Challa and the talks were going rather badly. She went to step out and David grabbed her arm.

“Orders,” hissed David.  

“And you’ve been a complete idiot,” snapped Tony. “Dragging in Clint. Getting Alison and David to break The Accords. “Rescuing” Wanda from a place she doesn’t even want to leave. A safe place. I’m trying...I’m trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers from apart.”

Tony sounded so broken it pulled at her. Steve was his friend, maybe the closest thing Tony had to family. When she had been working with Tony she hadn’t seen Pepper around and when she asked the topic was quickly changed. She didn’t feel it was her place to press the issue too hard but when she had suggested a session in passing he had sent her back to HQ. The work was done and she wasn’t needed anymore. She could only imagine what Tony Stark had bouncing in his head, but she had an idea right now hiding behind a crate.

 _Guilt,_ thought Alison. He feels guilty about that boy he couldn’t save. He feels guilty for the others they couldn’t save.

“All right. We’re done!” snapped Tony. “You are going to turn Barnes over. You are gonna come with us now, because it’s us or a squad of J-SOC guys with no compunction about being impolite. Come on,” pleaded Tony. _He wants things to go back to normal. He wants the team back the way it was before The Accords and it’s too late to go back now,_ thought Alison. She heard Sam in her earpiece and Alison tensed up. They would have to move fast, she knew what Natasha and Rhodey could do in a fight. She heard T’Challa out there and wasn’t sure what he could do and there was also someone else out there. He sounded far too young to be out here with them.

“Now!” said David and he gave Alison a push. _Just run. You run all the time now, your knee doesn’t bother you now. Just go,_ thought Alison. She took off at a mad dash towards the north hanger. She saw that Steve was engaged with a someone in a black cat suit and Rhodes. Things were blowing up on the other side of her. Clearly Tony had found Wanda and Clint. Alison felt someone grab her hair. Alison went for her stave and swung. She hit Natasha on her arm and she let go.

“Ally,” said Natasha softly and she looked at her sadly. “Don’t throw your whole life away for Barnes.”

“It’s not just him,” said Alison and her grip got tighter on her stave.

“Keep telling yourself that it might be true one day,” said Natasha. She went to move on Alison when David yelled.

“Get down!” He grabbed Alison and shielded her as something blew up near them. David grabbed her arm and they took off running again.

“What the hell was that?” yelled Alison. Her ears were ringing again and it felt oddly like being back in Vienna.

“I thought it was a water truck,” said a voice next to her. She looked over and saw Lang was next to her.

“Double check next time,” yelled Alison.

“Come on,” said Steve and she noticed that Wanda and Clint were on her heels and that Sam and Bucky were on her left. The jet was only another three miles, maybe four. _Maybe we can pull this off after all. We’re so damn close,_ thought Alison. Hope was dashed in a second when the ground in front of them was cut with a laser. Alison looked up to see Vision hovering above them.

“Captain Rogers. I know you believe what you’re doing is right. But for the collective good. You must surrender now,” said Vision. Alison looked over and saw Tony, Natasha, Rhodes, T’Challa and someone she assumed was the young boy she had overheard. _Oh shit,_ thought Alison.

“What do we do, Cap?” asked Sam. He sounded determined, but worried. He wasn’t going to back down now, but he wanted the order. _A soldier till the end,_ thought Alison and a chill went up her spine.

“We fight,” said Steve.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


For such a young kid he had put up a good fight. Bucky peeled the webbing off his arm and helped Sam get up. Explosions were happening outside and Bucky fought back a cringe. _Please let her be alright,_ thought Bucky as they made their way outside. Bucky saw Alison running next to Steve and she looked over at Scott and was yelling at him about double checking things. _Only you,_ thought Bucky. They were nearing the hanger when the ground in front of them was broken by some sort of ray. He looked up to see Vision above them.

“Captain Rogers. I know you believe what you’re doing is right. But for the collective good. You must surrender now,” said Vision. The others lined up blocking their path to the jet and out of the corner of his eye Bucky saw Alison’s eyes go wide and she gripped her staves tightly.

“What do we do, Cap?” asked Sam. There was only one answer now and Bucky felt the plates in his arm shift and he clenched his fists. He didn’t want this. He had never wanted any of this. Still, it was too late to go back. He wasn’t going to let that man wake up the others to cause more damage.

“We fight,” said Steve. They started walking forward and before they really realized it they were all running at other each other and it was complete chaos. He saw Wanda block a blast from Vision. He saw Clint and Lang fighting Natasha. Tony had gone after Steve. T’Challa landed a punch to his chest. Bucky turned and punched him solidly in the face, but his full suit protected him from the blow. He got up quickly and grabbed Bucky by the neck and he kneed him in the side. Bucky groaned and  grabbed him by his neck.

“I didn’t kill your father,” said Bucky.

“Then why did you run?” asked T’Challa.

“Because he didn’t have a choice,” Alison hit T’Challa in the head with the stave and he released Bucky. She got between him and T’Challa and braced herself.

“Ms. Conley. You would defend this man with your life?’ asked T’Challa and he sounded stunned.

“I just did,” said Alison. He came at her and Alison ducked and went for his knees. The stave barely connected and he grabbed her by the braid and yanked her up. Alison let out a hiss of pain and kicked him in the leg and swung her stave towards his face. It hit, but he didn’t seem to feel it and he tossed her to the side. She went to get up and Bucky tackled T’Challa from behind. He tossed Bucky against a stack of crates and was about to go for his throat with his claws when a red glow encased his hand stopping him. Bucky looked to see Wanda had him. She waved her hands and she threw T’Challa throw a stairwell. Alison gave him a look before taking off again towards the hanger again. David was fighting with Steve against Spiderman and it looked like Clint and Sam were handling Tony and Rhodes. _Where is Natasha and Vision?_ Thought Bucky as he started running again. Blasts were going off around them and Bucky spotted a large piece of debris was about to hit Alison. He tackled her to the ground and it went over their heads. She was shaking and breathing hard. Bucky pulled her up and they took cover behind an airplane. The hanger was still a good two miles away. Steve ducked behind the other side of the plane and looked winded.

“We gotta go. That guy’s probably in Siberia by now,” said Bucky. Alison was peaking out from behind her cover trying to see the best way to dash over and she wasn’t seeing. Steve looked out and shook his head.

“We gotta draw out the flyers,” said Steve. “I’ll take Vision. You and Ally get to the jet,” said Steve and Alison looked at him like he was crazy and Sam spoke in their ears.

“No. You, Barnes and Ally get to the jet.”

“What?” asked Alison.

“The rest of us aren’t getting out of here,” said Sam. Bucky watched Alison’s face get pale and she stammered into her com.

“Are you out of your mind? We’re going to need more than just three us in case those soldiers are awake,” said Alison.

“I think three super soldiers should be enough,” said David through the earpiece.

“I hate to admit it, but if we’re gonna win this one, some of us might have to lose it,” said Clint. Bucky watched as Steve hung his head and Alison went even paler.

“Sam…” started Alison.

“This isn’t the real fight, Steve” said Sam.

“All right, Sam. What’s the play?” asked Steve.

“We need a diversion. Something big,” said Sam.

“Well damn I left my cannon in another suit,” spat Alison.

“I got something kinda big,” said Scott. “I can’t hold it very long though. On my signal, run like hell. And if I tear myself in half, don’t come back for me,” said Scott. Bucky looked at Steve horrified and confused.

“He’s gonna tear himself in half?” asked Bucky. He didn’t know Lang, but killing himself for them was beyond anything.

“I don’t think a kamazi is gonna work,” said Alison coldly.

“Are you sure about this, Scott?” asked Steve.

“I do it all the time,” said Scott cheerfully. “Well I mean once. In a lab. Then I passed out,” said Scott.

“Oh this gonna end well,” muttered Alison peaking out again to see if a way was clear.

“I’m the boss, I’m the boss, I’m the boss,” muttered Scott into their ears. There was a flash of light and in front of them was a very large, over ten feet tall Scott Lang.

“I guess that’s the signal,” said Steve. Bucky turned to look at Alison and she was already ten feet in front of him dashing to the hanger. _That’s my girl,_ thought Bucky taking off behind her.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


_Get to the jet and we’ll get the others somehow. You don’t leave a teammate behind. There has to be a way. I just need to think,_ thought Alison. She would get to the jet and disable the trackers. Steve would take off and Sam could carry Wanda to the jet….maybe Lang could boost David and Clint up for a pick up and...damn it.

It might not work if Tony and Rhodes still had working suits. Vision could also overtake them if they didn’t get out quick enough. She wanted to turn around so badly and help Sam and David, but Alison knew she was no good to them here. Any help she could give was in front of her on the jet. They would need her to take the trackers out. They would need her if the Soldiers were awake. She might be able to get them under control if she could get her hands on that book that Bucky said the guy had. Hell she might even be needed if he got control of Bucky again. _Damn it,_ thought Alison. Her arms and legs were starting to ache and she could feel either blood or sweat on her arms and legs. They were close to the hanger when a tower started falling in front of it. It was suddenly stopped in mid air and Alison cast a quick look back to see Wanda using her power to stop it from falling and blocking them.

Ignoring all the pain she felt Alison pushed herself forward. Wanda’s hold on the tower failed and Alison had to duck and roll under the falling tower. She landed on her side as Bucky and Steve came in behind her. Steve helped her up and it was only then they saw Natasha. _Oh fuck,_ thought Alison.

“You’re not gonna stop?” asked Natasha and she sounded beyond disappointed.

“You know I can’t,” said Steve.

“I’m gonna regret this,” said Natasha. She raised her arm to shoot and before Steve could get his shield up, Natasha moved her aim and shot behind them. Alison saw that T’Challa had made it in with them and somehow the stunner slowed him down.

“Go,” ordered Natasha and she fired another stunner. Alison didn’t need to be told twice and she forced herself to start running again. Blood was now making her jacket sleeves sticky and she wanted to tear it off. _Just a little bit more girl. Come on._

Alison pulled off her backpack and got out a screwdriver out and started unscrewing a panel under the dashboard as Steve started the jet.

“How long is that gonna take?” asked Steve.

“Just get us up,” said Alison and she pried the panel off. She reached in and pulled out the chips that tracked the jet. That was just one set and she had two other sets to go. She went into the back and started prying off another panel to get at the other tracker chips below. She had to brace herself has the jet started lifting off to get to last one near the wheel well. She broke all the chips before speaking into her com.

“Sam...we made it...Sam...Sam…” Alison fought back panic. “David...David…”

“You got the jet,” he wheezed.

“We got it,” said Alison

“Good. Kick their asses for all us okay,” said David. There was shouting in the background and David sighed.

“I think gonna enjoy a little R&R at the Raft after this mess,” said David.

“Don’t get too cozy. We’re gonna get you out and…” Static filled her ear. “David...Wanda...anybody?” asked Alison. Static. Alison took her earpiece out and fought back the urge to throw it. She looked down and noticed her there was blood coming down her arm. _You tore all your stitches. Go clean yourself up before it gets worse._ Right now though she didn’t see how it could be worse.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Bucky watched Alison pick herself up and head over to the small bathroom area the jet had. She had tried seeing if anyone would respond on the coms and they had all heard David telling them to kick ass before all the coms went down. Alison had taken her earpiece out and stared at it with rage behind her eyes. She put it in her pocket before heading into the restroom. She had held her own for the most part in a fight with people way above her level and training. There was a part of him that was very proud of her. She could take decent care of herself now and she had put herself in harm’s way for him. He could tell though she was worried and torn about the people they had left behind. Steve hadn’t said anything as they took off and now the jet was flying over a rainy countryside.

“What’s gonna happen to your friends?” asked Bucky. Honestly they had known Steve longer than they had known him. They had done this because they believed in Steve. Steve sighed deeply and Bucky watched his shoulders slump.

“Whatever it is...I’ll deal with it,” said Steve. David had said something about a raft and Bucky had no idea what the hell it was, but it clearly wasn’t good. It wasn’t fair to Steve or the others that they had put themselves on the line for him. He hadn’t bombed that building, but he had other crimes to answer for. Stopping the other Soldiers though, it had to be done and no one else would have believed him. After this though, even if they came back with proof, the damage was done and beyond repair.

“I don’t know if I’m worth all this, Steve,” said Bucky flatly. Steve turned and looked at him. It was a determined look and yet it was also unreadable to Bucky.

“What you did all those years, it wasn’t you. You didn’t have a choice,” said Steve.

“I know,” said Bucky. He had come to terms with that. If he had any choices during those years he would have killed himself to be free. “But I did it,” said Bucky. Steve looked sad as he turned back to the controls.

“Could you go check on Alison? I think she might have gotten hurt and she won’t admit it,” said Steve. Bucky had a feeling that he was the last person Alison wanted to see right now, but if she was hurt she might not be in shape to help them once they landed. _If she is what than? We can’t drop her off anywhere now._

Bucky got up from his seat and went towards the back. He heard her muttering and cursing to herself through the door. It wasn’t latched and Bucky opened the door to see Alison was leaning against the wall and was trying to stitch her right arm. Her left hand was shaking and her whole right arm looked to be a bloody cut up mess.

“What the hell happened?” snapped Bucky. Had she gotten cut by those claws? It had cut through metal, it would have taken her arm off. He hadn’t seen any cuts on her jacket when they had gotten on the plane. The jacket was tossed in a corner drops of blood were on her tank top. There was a messy of bloody gauze in the sink along with a bottle of rubbing alcohol.There was also a stained towel draped over the sink.  It also looked like her pants had spots of blood on them. Her left arm was already wrapped and now she was trying to patch her right arm up.

“Flying glass during a bombing,” said Alison trying to keep the needle steady in her hand. “I tore them and now here we are.”

Bucky thought back to how she had winced when he taken her arm and how the padding in her sleeve felt odd. She had been hurt the whole time and still put herself on the line. The plane had hit a rough patch and the shaking caused Alison to drop her needle.

“God damn it,” muttered Alison. She bent to pick it up and Bucky picked it up for her. He went over to the sink to clean it for her.

“Let me help you,” said Bucky.

“I can do it,” said Alison and she went to take the needle back. Bucky grabbed her arm with his left hand to hold it steady.

“You’re shaking and you’re right handed trying to do serious stitches all down your right arm with your left hand. Let me help you,” said Bucky firmly. Alison leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes as Bucky threaded the needle and started redoing her stitches. He could hear his mother telling him to make sure his stitches were neat and tidy. Alison sucked in little hisses each time he started on a new cut.

“Do we have anything for pain?” asked Bucky.

“I got some bottles of morphine in the kit, but I would rather save that for something really bad,” said Alison.

Bucky lost count of how many stitches he had done on her arm, but when he was done he saw that her arm was just a mess of them. _She was lucky nothing major was hit during the blast,_ thought Bucky. He had a feeling though she didn’t feel lucky and he could only imagine what her   legs and other arm looked looked like. He picked up the bottle of rubbing alcohol and towel to start cleaning up her arm before he wrapped it up.

“Thanks,” said Alison softly. Her hair had come out of the braid and hung limply in her face. She looked so small and fragile right now and yet he knew she had it in her to take a life when it came to him.

“I didn’t want this,” said Bucky. _I never wanted this sort of life for you._

“I know,” said Alison. She looked up at him. “This is where we are though.” Alison went to step out of the bathroom and she stopped herself.

“Why did you keep my sweater?” asked Alison. Bucky looked at her dumbfounded for a second until it clicked what sweater she was asking about. _The one you took from South America._

“It smelled a little like you,” admitted Bucky.

“Is that what you missed the most about me?” asked Alison.

“What?” asked Bucky. She turned around to look at him and she looked torn between crying and an odd sort of calm.

“The thing I missed most about you was how you looked at me. I don’t know how to describe it. You would just look at me and boom...I was gone. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me the way you do,” said Alison. “I don’t think anyone else ever will.” Bucky went to say something when Alison stood up on her toes, grabbed his vest and kissed him.

There was a need in that kiss that Bucky understood. Everyone she had known was gone to her now. She had very few chances to say goodbye to people she had loved. They had barely made it this far and they had no idea what was waiting for them when they landed. There might not be another chance for goodbye and she didn’t want to take that chance. He had wanted to kiss her before the fight and had backed off. This was it though if it was to be their goodbye he would take it.

Alison pulled him close to her and Bucky ran his hands down her sides and was a bit relieved to find she had gained weight. She had been too damn skinny the last time he had seen her. She smells a like smoke, rubbing alcohol and copper, yet somehow she still tastes the same. Alison pulls back a bit to catch her breath when  Bucky put his hands on her waist and slowly eased away from her before it goes too far. He kisses her on the forehead before leaving the bathroom. _Goodbye sweetheart._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Alison started cleaning up the bathroom and putting the remaining supplies back in her kit. She picked up her jacket and was a bit stunned to see the I-pod held up and so had Bucky’s journal. The jacket was a lost cause, the sleeves were soaked with blood and drying stiffly. She hoped there was something else she could put over her her tank top. She wanted the extra layer in case of a fight and she didn’t want Steve and Bucky looking at her wrapped arms. Alison washed her face and her hands before braiding her hair back. _I should have kissed him sooner. I just...I think I would have started crying if I had kissed him sooner._ She didn’t have anything left to lose now. If they didn’t come back from this at least she had been completely honest with him. _What if you do pull this off? Where do you go from that?_

She looked down and noticed that her necklace with the dog tags were missing. Alison searched the bathroom and couldn’t find them. She had tucked them under the jacket before everything went crazy. They were either on the jet somewhere or on the airstrip back in Germany. She sighed deeply before picking her backpack up. Maybe it was sign that she had lost them. _You have to let him go._

Alison found a sweater that must have been left here by Bruce since it was big on her. She sat down across from Bucky and looked out the window as the rain and countryside turned to snow and mountains.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


Something shiny caught T’Challa’s eye when he fell from the jet wheel as it took off. He picked it up and saw it was a necklace. He had remembered seeing this on Conley when they had meet, but he hadn’t read them. One tag read Conley, Jr. Robert. A family member of some sort. The second tag had a bit of his rage turning to puzzlement. Barnes, James. Why did she have this? Why had she sided with man who had killed her friends and nearly killed her? At first he figured it was a misplaced loyalty to Captain Rogers. This though changed things. Had she known him? Was in on this somehow? T’Challa was going to find out and there was going to be hell to pay for anyone who stood in his way. Even a woman who saved his friend’s life.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts


	10. Without honor or humanity

Of all the places he had been this was one Bucky had never considered going back too Even before he remembered the other Soldiers here, Bucky knew he had been kept here for some time. One day he had overheard his captors saying this and a prison camp were all that Siberia was good for. He had been working up to telling Alison about this place before they started seeing each other. Bucky looked over to see Alison putting her backpack under the seat has they landed. He wished they had another tach jacket for her protection. The black hoodie wouldn’t do much for her, but it was better than nothing against the cold outside.

Bucky got up and opened a weapons cache they had on the jet. He grabbed a SAW from the cache and a few magazines of ammo. He knew Steve wasn’t fond of guns, even during the war he preferred his shield and his fists in a fight. Bucky watched Alison strap her staves to her pants. In this fight those weren’t going to cut it, this was kill or be killed if the Soldiers were awake. Bucky pulled out a Glock and three magazines.

“Here,” said Bucky holding out the gun. Alison looked at him and back to the gun. He could tell there was some part of her that really didn’t want the gun. She took though without saying a word. She made sure the safety was on before putting it in a holster.

Steve opened up the cargo hatch and they were all assaulted by the wind and snow. It was easily minus ten degrees outside.

“Do you remember the time we had to get a ride from Rockaway Beach in the back of freezer truck?” asked Steve smiling a bit. Bucky could, it was a bit amazing how easily he could recall it. They were sixteen and their mothers had sent them out for the night. He couldn’t remember why they had been allowed to go out. Maybe they just wanted some peace and quiet and kicking out the two teenaged boys had been the best way to get it. Becca had stayed in that night to study so it had just been them. It had been spring and Steve had finally gotten over one of his colds. Their mothers had even given them a little extra to spend for the night out.

“Didn’t you spend our train money on hot dogs?” asked Bucky and he couldn’t help but grin.

“You blew three bucks trying to win a stuffed bear for that red headed,” countered Steve. _Giggling. Cirrus style music somewhere in the distance. Steve rolling his eyes as he brought the hammer down and just missing the bell._

“What was her name again?” asked Bucky.

“Dolores. You called her Dot,” said Steve with a small grin.

“She’s got to be a hundred years old by now,” said Bucky shaking his head. _I wonder if she kept the bear._

“So are we pal,” said Steve and he patted Bucky on his shoulder. Alison just shook her head and there was a faint grin on her face. _I never did get to do anything foolish or fun like that for her._ Bucky felt Becca’s ring against him and wished he had let Alison keep it. Steve reached over and he squeezed her hand.

“If this gets bad…” started Steve and Alison shook her head. Bucky could see that she had accepted whatever was going to happen. He was proud of her, no matter how this shook out Bucky was proud of her. _She’s strong...stronger than I ever thought she could be._

“You know they weren’t sure if Freddie Mercury could record his final song. They didn’t think he had it in him since he was dying. He took a shot of a vodka and said “I’ll do it darling.” He did it perfectly in one take. Let’s do this in one take,” said Alison. Steve gave her hand one more squeeze before putting his helmet on. They headed outside and the cold nearly took all their breath away. Alison went over to the snowcat and looked inside. She put her hand carefully on the hood of the vehicle.

“The engine is cold, but considering the temperature,” said Alison. Steve nodded at the slightly opened door.

“He could only be a few hours ahead of us,” said Steve.

“That’s all it would take,” said Bucky. They headed inside and the only way down was an elevator. They got on and Alison took the gun out the holster and had her thumb near the safety. He and Steve nodded at each other as they elevator got near the ground floor. It was simple, Bucky knew to take the lead and that Steve would cover the rear. Alison would  be between them to cover both of them just in case.

They had just started up a flight of steps when they heard a loud thud coming from the elevator shaft. Steve turned quickly and ducked down with shield. Bucky raised the SAW over Steve’s head and Alison pressed herself against the wall and lower her gun. Her hand shook slightly and she thumbed off the safety.

“Ready?” asked Steve.

“Yeah,” said Bucky. _It always ends in a fight._ The doors opened and there stood an Iron Man suit. The head opened up to show it was Tony and not one of the automated suits. Steve held his shield up and started walking towards Tony. Alison put the safety back on and looked conflicted. Bucky wasn’t ready to lower his yet. He didn’t want to hurt Tony, but considering Tony wanted to turn them in he was going to wait.

“You all seem a little defensive,” called out Tony.

“It’s been a long day,” said Steve.

“Try a long three days,” muttered Alison.

“At ease Soldier. I’m not here for you right now,” said Tony. _I’m gonna wait if that’s the same to you,_ thought Bucky.

“Why are you here?” asked Steve. Tony sighed and shrugged.

“Maybe your story isn’t so crazy. I should have listen to our Doc a bit sooner and maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand,” said Tony nodding at Alison. “Ross has no idea that I’m here and I would like to keep it that way. I would have to arrest myself,” said Tony.

“That sounds like a lot of paperwork,” said Steve deadpan. He lowered his shield and nodded. “It’s good to see you Tony,” said Steve.

“You too Cap,” said Tony and he looked over to where he and Alison stood and groaned. “Hey Doc, can you tell the Manchurian Candidate he can chill we’re calling a truce?” Alison put her hand on his.

“It’s alright,” said Alison and she sounded relieved. Steve looked at them and motioned that he could lower his weapon. Bucky lowered his weapon and Alison sighed.

“So where are the other misfit Hydra toys?” asked Tony.

“This way,” said Bucky. He took them up another couple of floors before they were on the main floor. They had trained on the floor and had been held in these cells before they were put back to sleep  Tony put his helmet back on and took the lead so he could scan for any signs. Steve walked next to Alison and Bucky brought the rear back up. Alison whipped her head around and shivered.

“What?” asked Bucky looking and not seeing anything.

“Nothing. Thought I heard something,” said Alison. They made their way down the hall, unaware that T’Challa was right behind them.

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_Maybe this is going to be alright now,_ thought Alison. Hope floated in the chest and she tried to tamp it down. Tony didn’t want Ross to know he was here and he was going to help them deal with this. How could he bring them in now without telling the UN what he did? Maybe they could do a work around now? _He can tell you if Sam and others are alright. Maybe we can even see about getting them out somehow. Maybe there is a way out of this yet. Than what...where do you and Bucky go from there. Not now...let’s handle one thing at a time,_ thought Alison gripping the gun a bit tighter and her thumb near the safety.

Tony had filled them in on what he had found out. The man they were after was named Helmut Zemo. He had been a colonel in a Sokovian commando unit. He had killed the real doctor meant to see Bucky and had a mask and wig designed to look just like Bucky. It still didn’t make any sense to her. She didn’t know why, but something wasn’t adding up in her mind. _Why did he want Bucky? Why the bomb? Why active the Soldiers? Revenge for Sokovia? Why are you trying to figure this out right now?_

Alison felt the hair standing up on her neck and her grandpa had always told her that was a sign she needed to get gone from a place. She would love nothing more than to get gone from here, but she had to be here. She looked at cells and fought back a shiver. Bucky had been here and god only knew what had been done to him. _What did they do to the others?_ thought Alison. Bucky said they had signed up and were already working for Hydra. Still there was a place in her that felt pity for them. _I doubt they had all the details before signing up._

“I’m detecting heat signatures,” said Tony and Alison felt everything in her tense.

“How many?” asked Steve.

“Umm one,” said Tony. _Did he not wake them up yet?_ thought Alison. They walked into a darkened round chamber and Alison could sort of make out the chair she had seen Bucky in when they had been kidnapped. It was too damn quiet and all the hairs on her neck were standing up. They walked in and lights came on in what Alison could only think of as tanks. They were people in the tanks, but something just wasn’t right.

“If it’s any consolation, they died in their sleep,” said an accented male voice over a PA. _What the hell?_ thought Alison. They walked further into the room and it was than Alison saw a hole in one of the tanks. It was a bullet hole and the bullet was clearly in the man’s head. _Oh god,_ thought Alison and she looked to see another tank with a hole and a person with a bullet in their head. All the people in the tanks were dead. They had been murdered in their sleep.

“Did you really think I wanted more of you?” asked the man with disgust and disdain in his voice. Alison saw Bucky tense up and take in the scene. He might have hated them, but he knew he could have easily been here and taken out this way too it things had been different for him.

“What the hell?” muttered Bucky and he tensed up on the gun.

“I am grateful to them though. They brought you here,” said the man. Another light came on in what looked like a window. There was a man in there, blond hair, maybe in his late thirties and he looked smug. _That’s him. The person behind all of this._ Steve threw his shield and it bounced backed without making a dent in the glass. More lights turned on so they could all see the room more clearly now. The ceiling was a dome and Alison could only guess how far down they were. There were decks above them and Zemo was in a very thickly paneled observation room

“Please, Captain. The Soviets built this chamber to withstand the launch blast of UR-100 rockets,” said Zemo. _Well good for them,_ thought Alison. _What the hell is this? Why bring us out here?_

“I’m betting I can beat that,” said Tony. He and Steve made there way over to him and Alison was behind Bucky as he took in the room and the dead Soldiers in their tanks.

“This doesn’t make sense,” whispered Bucky.

“I know,” said Alison.

“I’m sure you could Mr. Stark if given time, But than you would never know why you came,” said Zemo. His smug tone made Alison want to punch her way through the glass and drag him out of his. _I just want a few good licks in before we turn him over. Just a few good kicks to the groin._

“You killed innocent people in Vienna just to bring us here?” asked Steve. Alison looked behind her and thought she saw a shadow of something in the doorways. _Does he have a partner?_

She followed Bucky as they made their way closer to the room Zemo was in. Zemo looked at Steve and it sent chills down Alison’s spine. She knew that look. She had seen it in people at the hospital after Matt had died. Hell she had seen it in the mirror after the Invasion. _This is a man who no longer cares. There is nothing to go on for. He will destroy himself  because there is no reason to stop._ The danger they were all in right now was beyond her. He needed to be stopped before he did what he brought them here for.

“Is there another way in?” asked Alison to Bucky softly.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. Alison could sort of hear Zemo talking to Steve and she wanted to pull him away. Pull them all back before he could pull whatever trigger he had.

“I lost everyone. And now so will you,” Alison heard Zemo say. She grabbed Bucky’s arm and was going to pull him back when a monitor near Steve clicked into life. A card date flashed December 16th 1991.

“An empire toppled by its enemies can rise again. But one that crumbles from within, That’s dead forever,” said Zemo. Tony came over and frowned looking at the road on the monitor.

“I know that road. What the hell is this?” demanded Tony. Alison saw the car crash and a motorcycle speed by. It came back though and Alison felt her heart sink as she saw the Winter Soldier get off the bike and go over to the driver’s side.

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_He had taken the car out with a slider bomb and had watched it blow the back tires and send it right in the tree. The woman was already dead, but the man was still alive. The Soldier went over the driver’s side._

“ _My wife..please. Help,” said the man with his eyes closed. He opened his eyes and an odd expressions crossed his face._

“ _Sergeant Barnes?” The Soldier slammed the man into the steering wheel until he stopped breathing._

Bucky heard Howard asking for help and the sick sound of his head being slammed. He wanted to throw up recalling how it felt. Bucky was barely aware of Alison’s hand on his arm. He looked up and saw how tight Tony’s face had gotten and how unreadable Steve had become. _Is this what he wanted?_ thought Bucky dully. To make Tony hate Steve for lying about this. For protecting him even though he had murdered Tony’s parents. He hated himself for what he had been used for. Bucky had debated coming clean so many times, but he couldn’t risk what it would cost Steve. Now Steve was paying for it.

The video ended and Tony was shaking with rage. Tony went to go at him when Steve grabbed his arm, Bucky raised his gun slightly and Alison stepped in front of him just enough to cover him from Tony. Tony looked at Steve and then at Alison.

“Did you know?” asked Tony softly.

“I didn’t know it was him,” said Steve and Bucky felt shame twist in his guts. Steve was a terrible liar. He had known and was still trying to save him.

“Don’t bullshit me Rogers! Did you know!” snapped Tony.

“Yes,” Steve admitted sadly. Tony jerked away from Steve disgusted before turning to look at Alison.

“Did you know? Did he tell you before or after you started sleeping with him?” spat Tony. Alison’s face paled, but she stood her ground.

“I knew before we got involved...I didn’t know Steve knew. I couldn’t tell anyone,” said Alison. Tony shook his head and looked back and forth between Alison and Steve. Without warning Tony turned, punched Steve and reactivated his helmet, Bucky shoved Alison out of the way and raised his gun. Tony shot it out of his hands, grabbed him by the neck and flew him across the room.

“STOP IT! HE’S GETTING AWAY!” yelled Alison. Tony pinned his left arm down and was about to shoot him when Steve’s shield hit Tony’s arm causing the shot to miss. Bucky rolled away as Steve slammed into Tony. Tony slammed Steve back and shot cuffs out that attached to Steve’s legs. Alison grabbed Tony’s arm.

“This is what he wants!” pleaded Alison. Tony threw her across the room and Bucky heard her body slam into the wall. _No this isn’t her fault or Steve’s. Just take his suit out and he can’t hurt anyone,_ thought Bucky as he landed a punch to Tony’s helmet. Tony grabbed his neck again and flew him across the room again. He went to shoot him again when Bucky grabbed his hand and crushed it. Tony’s other hand had missiles and he went to fire those and Bucky shoved his hand away. The missile fired and Bucky heard something explode and crash.

Tony was forced to drop him as a beam fell down. Bucky barely had time to recover from the fall when he had to roll away from another falling beam. He looked to see Steve had gotten free of his cuffs and was standing a few feet away. Bucky couldn’t see Alison anywhere and half the lab was caved in and on fire. _No. Please no._

“He’s not gonna stop. Get out of here,” said Steve. Bucky hated the idea of leaving either one of them behind, but if he left maybe Steve could get Tony to talk. Maybe there was still something that could be saved between them. Bucky could only hope that Alison had gotten out somehow. He couldn’t save her without Tony trying to kill him. Bucky got out of the lab and into an area that used to be an old silo of sorts. He slammed the button that would open the silo and started climbing up. _Please God...let us get us get out of this. If not...at least give Steve and Alison a break. They didn’t do a damn thing other than care about me._

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Alison landed hard on her right leg after Tony tossed her like a rag doll. She heard the sickening pop of her bones and the nurse in her knew she had broken her leg. She picked herself up and was relieved that it wasn’t a compound fracture. Still her right leg stuck out at an odd angle so Alison pushed herself up on her left leg. The pain shot through her and she almost blacked out from it. _I need to stop this. He’s getting away and everything we’ve gone through will mean nothing_. She saw Tony’s missile fire and the lab started falling apart around her. Alison pushed herself to move even though she knew she wasn’t going to be fast enough to get out of this area. _So this is how I die,_ thought Alison numbly has she took another few steps that had her in agony.

Alison fell as another beam went down and shook the floor. She screamed as her body landed on the leg. _I might die here, but I’m not giving up,_ thought Alison as she forced herself to crawl. Suddenly someone grabbed her arm and helped her up.

“Lean on me,” said a voice that Alison could dimly remember in her haze right now. It was someone strong and they half drug, half carried her out of the lab before she was buried in it. She coughed from the smoke and the figure leaned against the wall. Alison looked to see it was T’Challa and reacted like an animal that was cornered. She pulled her stave and went to strike him and he grabbed it in mid strike.

“I don’t blame you for being afraid. I’m not going to hurt you. I know your friend is innocent,” said T’Challa.

“You were following us,” said Alison trying to decided if he really did want to help her or was he here to bring her in.

“I know the truth now and justice needs to be done the right way,” said T’Challa. Alison looked back to the lab and heard more explosions go off and the floor shook. There was no getting back in there. _Are they still fighting?_

“We can’t help them now. The person behind this needs to be held accountable for everything he has done to everyone. Let us help each other,” said T’Challa. Alison heard another explosion and wondered if anything could be done to help Steve, Bucky and Tony. She didn’t know what she could do there. She was bleeding from her legs again and could hardly walk. She couldn’t stop them fighting even if she tried. _This is what he wanted. He set this in motion and it’s like trying to stop a freight train. I can try to set one thing right though. Just one._

“Which way did he go?” asked Alison. T’Challa wrapped an arm around her waist and Alison put the weight on her left leg. Together they went to catch the man who had broken everything they cared about.

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Bucky was scrambling up the silo as fast as he could. If he could get outside, maybe he could take off in the jet. Alison and Steve could take the snow cat and hide somewhere. _If she and Steve don’t get turned in by Tony. If she’s even alive right now._ Bucky heard Steve yelling at Tony and rocks falling. Tony was trying to fly after him, but his suit was damaged making it hard for him. Not impossible though as Tony caught him and tossed him to the other side of the silo. He went to shoot and Steve blocked his shot and knocked Tony back down a few stories.

“He’s not gonna stop. Get out of here. We’ll find you,” said Steve. Bucky nodded and jumped up to the next platform. He wanted to beg Tony to stop this. To not hurt Steve and to go back and see if Alison was alright. _I’m not worth all this. I’m sorry I kill them. I never wanted to kill anyone,_ thought Bucky.

Bucky was almost to the top and out when a missile hit the solo door causing it to fall in. Bucky let himself fall back inside and wondered if there was another way out now. Tony flew up to him and while Bucky didn’t want to hurt him, he wasn’t going to let Tony kill him. Bucky picked up a pipe and tried to defend himself with it. Tony put him in a choke hold and started pulling him towards the edge.

“Do you even remember them?” hissed Tony.

“I remember all of them,” wheezed Bucky. It was his own living hell at times after Hydra had lost him. The remembering everything he had done. Bucky was sure he remembered everything he had done now. It was what he deserved and he would live with that as his punishment. _You thought you deserved a reprieve though. You remembered and wasn’t that enough. You deserved having Steve, Alison and friends again...you were wrong,_ thought Bucky.

Tony pulled him off the platform and Bucky was sure the fall would seriously hurt him. Tony was going to make sure his death was painful. Steve came out of nowhere and lunged at Tony. The combined weight was too much for the damaged suit to handle. All three of them started falling down the silo. Bucky landed on a platform not far from the bottom and Steve and Tony fell hard to the bottom. Bucky looked over the edge and was relieved to see Steve was moving. Steve picked himself up with a groan as Tony was picking himself up.

“This isn’t going to change what happened,” said Steve softly. He was still trying to reason with Tony. Bucky was sure that Tony was beyond reasoning with right now. The next thing out of Tony’s mouth proved it.

“I don’t care. He killed my mom,” said Tony with so much hate in his voice it shook Bucky. Tony launched himself at Steve and the two started fighting. Bucky forced himself up and saw Steve’s shield was across from him. Bucky grabbed it and jumped down on Tony. He used the shield to block a shot from Tony and then he tossed it to Steve. _We just need to take the suit out. If the suit doesn’t work he can’t hurt us,_ thought Bucky.

It was so effortless how he and Steve could work together. They tossed the shield back and forth trying to dodge Tony’s blows. _Just knock him out and we’ll find Ally and get out of here,_ thought Bucky. He punched Tony and Tony turned and punched Steve into the wall. It clearly knocked Steve out since he wasn’t getting up. _Come on. Get up!_ thought Bucky.

The blows were becoming more and more painful as they landed on him. Bucky had taken his fair share of beatings in the past, but nothing like this. Bucky punched Tony and got him against the wall. Bucky pinned Tony’s face to the wall and with his metal hand started trying to crush the arc reactor. _Just knock the suit out. Just take the suit out._

Bucky felt it start to crush under his hand when Tony use the reactor to shoot him. Bucky felt a numb sort of pain as he was knocked away from Tony. He felt off balance and it took him a second to realize that his left arm was gone. _That hurts,_ thought Bucky as another beam knocked him out. _Just hurt me and leave Steve alone. They didn’t do anything. Ally…_

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Alison and T’Challa made their way back up the surface and the pain was fading away bit by bit. _Maybe I’m going into shock and that’s why it doesn’t hurt anymore or maybe it’s the cold. I know feeling the pain is a good sign, but I’m so tired of feeling hurt. I am physical and emotional tired of feeling hurt right now. I just want five minutes. Five minutes where nothing hurts,_ thought Alison bitterly. It scared her a little to have that thought. She had that thought a year after Matt’s death. All she wanted was for the hurt to stop. She had planned her death down to the last detail. _I didn’t want to bother anyone or make a mess...I cleaned the apartment and had dinners frozen for grandpa so wouldn’t be bothered when I died._

T’Challa sat her down carefully near where Zemo was sitting and Zemo eyed them as T’Challa took off his helmet and walked towards him.

“I almost killed the wrong man,” said T’Challa in a calm and measured tone. Zemo scoffed and looked away.

“Hardly an innocent one,” said Zemo.

“You have no idea who he is,” said Alison. Zemo looked at her and shook his head before looking back over the mountains.

“This is all you wanted? To see them rip each other apart?” asked T’Challa and he walked a bit closer to Zemo.

“My father lived outside the city. I thought we would be safe there. My son was excited. He could see the Iron Man from the car window. I told my wife, “Don’t worry. They’re fighting in the city. We’re miles from harm.” When the dust cleared and the screaming stopped...it took me two days until I found their bodies. My father still holding my wife and son in his arms. And the Avengers? They just went home,” said Zemo. He looked back at Alison.

“They send people like you in to clean up the mess. To try and fix everything they leave behind. I knew I couldn’t kill them. More powerful men than me have tried. But, if I could get them to kill each other…” said Zemo and he gave Alison an apologetic look.

“I am sorry about your friends. They seemed like good people trying to make things right again,” said Zemo and he looked back towards the mountains. “I’m sorry about your father. He seemed like a good man. With a dutiful son,” said Zemo.

Tears were freezing to Alison’s face. She hated this man and part of her was glad she had lost the gun or else she might have shot him out of rage. She could see a very dark part of herself in this man. _I was so mad after Matt died. It scares me how angry I was...I don’t think I could have done this much damage though. I was fine just hurting myself...no I would have hurt Sam. My grandfather. I was just so mad I didn’t care anymore. He’s sick. I don’t know if he can ever come back though. He might be too far gone,_ thought Alison sadly.

“Vengeance has consumed you. It’s consuming them. I am done letting it consume me,” said T’Challa and Alison saw the claws on his hands go back in. “Justice will come soon enough,” said T’Challa.

“Tell that to the dead,” said Zemo and Alison saw his arm raise up and T’Challa lunged on him. The gunshot was still loud and she jumped a bit. T’Challa had him a headlock and had somehow stopped the bullet.

“The living are not done with you yet,” said T’Challa. He handed Alison the gun as he pulled out flex cuffs to restrain Zemo.

“Does he have anything else on him? I’m looking for a book,” said Alison. T’Challa pulled the book out of Zemo’s jacket pocket and he gave it to her. It was a red journal with a black star. Alison saw it was all in Russian and would take her time to read and understand. These were clearly the notes she had been looking for when she had first gotten Bucky’s file and then some.

“Did I hear Stark right when he asked if you were sleeping with him?” spat Zemo. He wasn’t trying to get out of the cuffs, but Alison herself knew how dangerous a cornered animal could be. She didn’t respond and tried to turn the pages with numb fingers. Zemo spat in her direction.

“So you're a whore? They pay you and you do anything they ask you do? Did you just sleep with the Solider or the Captain too?” asked Zemo. Alison felt the new gun near her and could hear the hateful little voice nagging her to pick it, pull the trigger and end his life. _No. That’s what he wants._

“Hey! Whore! Are you listening to me?” asked Zemo. T’Challa nudged him with his foot.

“Shut up,” said T’Challa coldly. Alison looked at him and Zemo grinned.

“Poor little broken whore. I hope he kills your lovers so you’ll know what it feels like to lose everything,” said Zemo.

“His name Matt,” said Alison softly and she could feel both men looking at her. “His name was Matt Quilin. He died three days before our wedding during the Invasion of New York. I loved him. I had loved him since I was seventeen years old...that pain will never go away. I live with it because I loved him. I thought ending my life would be the easiest thing. To not remember him. To not feel that empty space in my heart...it took me a long time to learn that I had to go on because he loved me and I loved him. It took me time to learn I could have that empty space and still have room to love someone else as much I loved him. My death would have been an insult to him and his memory. It would have been an insult to everyone who still needed me and people I didn’t even know would need me. I live because I did lose everything and finding it again was the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel sorry you and the people you lost. This isn’t what they would have wanted from you,” said Alison.

Zemo spat in her direction again, but said nothing further. T’Challa carefully picked her up and helped her back into the jet.

“Where are you going?” asked Alison.

“I’m going to see if I can help your friends. I’ll make sure you get out here and to somewhere that is safe. Can you tend to your wounds?” asked T’Challa.

“I’ll manage,” said Alison. He left the jet and Alison pushed herself over to her backpack. The first aid kit was inside it and she added the red journal to it. She would hand it over after she studied it. _I need to know how to help Bucky...let him be alright. Let them all be alright._

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Bucky was aware that Steve and Tony were still fighting, but he was in no shape to get up and keep going. _I think my ribs are broken. My arm...it hurts._ The wires were still sparking and sending shocks into what was left of his nerves.

“He’s my friend,” said Steve panting harshly.

“So was I,” said Tony. Bucky heard more blows and Steve fell next to him, coughing and spitting up blood. Tony grab him and flung him across the room.

“Stay down! Final warning!” ordered Tony. _He’s going to kill him to get to me,_ thought Bucky numbly. _I have to stop him._ Bucky rolled over as Steve was pulling himself up and taking a stance.

“I can do this all day,” huffed Steve. _God you are an idiot,_ thought Bucky. He grabbed Tony’s leg and Tony turned and kicked his face. Bucky felt his face explode in pain, but the distraction worked. Steve came up behind Tony and threw him to the ground. Bucky heard Steve pounding on the metal of Tony’s suit and then he heard a sound like something being powered down. _He took the suit out. Took us long enough,_ thought Bucky. He was sure his nose was broken on top of all the other injuries. Bucky was sure Steve had his fair share of injuries too. _Could really use you right now sweetheart,_ thought Bucky.

Steve grabbed his arm and pulled him up. Steve also look like hell from what Bucky could see through the helmet. Steve was panting and he wrapped his free arm around his waist and they started walking away.

“That shield doesn’t belong to you!” cried Tony. “You don’t deserve it! My father made that shield!” yelled Tony. Bucky heard Steve sigh and then he heard a clang as Steve dropped the shield. _No. No one in the world deserves that shield more than Steve Rogers,_ thought Bucky.

“Come on. We’re gonna find Ally and we’re gonna get out of here,” panted Steve.

“I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry,” muttered Bucky. He was sorry and that still wasn't enough. _I can never make this right for him. I ruined their friendship. I messed things up,_ thought Bucky.

They staggered upstairs and Steve hissed in pain and they had to rest in a hallway.

“I don’t know if we can get back in the lab to look for her,” said Steve.

“If she’s dead because of me…” started Bucky.

“She chose to come with us,” said Steve and Bucky could hear Steve getting ready to take blame. _I’m the Captain and I’m older than her. I could have ordered her to go I didn’t. I pulled a civilian into this mess over a year ago when I asked her to help._ Yeah, Bucky could hear everything Steve would say when they found her dead.

“She’s alive, but hurt,” said a voice. Steve tensed up and Bucky saw it was T’Challa. _Ally thought someone was following us._ T’Challa held up his hands and spoke calmly.

“I know the truth now. We have the man who did this and I’ll turn him over just as soon as you three go. I’ll send you somewhere safe. I owe you all an apology and I owe the lady a debt. I’ll make sure you are protected. Please. Come with me,” said T’Challa.

“Your Highness...this puts you at risk,” said Steve.

“It’s mine to take Captain Rogers. Please. You are all badly hurt and need somewhere to recover. Please,” said T’Challa.

“Thank you,” said Steve sounding so tired it hurt.

“Let me help you,” said T’Challa and he went to Bucky’s left side to support him. If he wasn’t so out of it Bucky might have asked more questions. _He said Ally was hurt. How bad is she. She was already hurt to start with. Where are you sending us? Can we really trust him?_ The cold stung his face and Bucky realized he must have passed out on the way out.

“It will take you a few hours to get there. I’ll ahead to make sure you get safe passage. People will be waiting to help you,” said T’Challa.

“We can’t thank you enough,” said Steve.

“My father will have justice because you and your friends tried. Go quickly,” said T’Challa. He left Steve and Bucky as they got on the jet.

“Oh my god. Steve! James! Are you alright?” Alison’s voice floated into Bucky’s head even as Steve sucked in a worried breath.

“Your leg,” said Steve sounding scared. Bucky opened his eyes to see Alison sitting on the floor, She had ripped the right pant leg off and was clearly redoing her stitches again. It was the color and the odd angle that worried him. It looked blue and purple under the blood and open cuts.

“I know it’s broken, but there isn’t much I can do for it here. It’s not a compound fracture so it’s manageable for now,” said Alison trying to stay calm. “Put him down here and I’ll see what I can do. We have to go now,” said Alison. Bucky felt Steve lay him down on the floor and he felt a soft hand on his face.

“Oh James,” whispered Alison. He felt a damp and cold rag on his face trying to clean the blood off.  “I know it’s cold. It’s all I have right now,” said Alison. She spoke in that nurse tone he trusted so he stayed still has she cleaned the blood off his face. Bucky felt the jet lift off as Alison tended to him. He could hear little groans, sighs and a whimper has she tried to figure out how badly he was hurt. _How badly are you really hurt? That leg looked bad. Real bad. You need a doctor. You need to rest._

“I need you roll over so I can wrap your arm. I don’t want anything getting in there. Better safe than sorry,” said Alison. She was stroking his head and Bucky felt tears burning in his eyes. He hurt on so many levels right now that for himself and for the two people stuck with him right now.

“I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry,” muttered Bucky.

“This isn’t your fault...that man...he’s sick. He’s very sick and he would have done this even if we had you,” said Alison softly.

“I never wanted this...I wanted you all to be safe. I really wish you had picked Steve,” said Bucky.

“She wasn’t for me,” said Steve coming up and kneeling on the floor. Bucky felt Steve roll him over so Alison could wrap what was left of his left arm. He felt something prick his right arm and realized Alison had used the morphine on him.

“Shhh. Go to sleep. It’s going to be alright. Go to sleep.” said Alison. Bucky wasn’t sure how much she had given him or if it was the exhaustion of the day and his injuries, but he fell into a dreamless sleep.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  
  


Steve didn’t like how pale and in pain Alison looked, but she used a rather large dose of a morphine on Bucky. Steve wasn’t sure there was enough morphine left to do anything for her. He had set the jet on autopilot and to the coordinates T’Challa had given them. He didn’t have a choice other than to trust that where they were going was safe and that someone could help them.

Steve watched Alison stroke Bucky’s damp hair and look at him with a mix of love, worry and fear.

“I don’t know what losing that arm is going to do to him. He’ll have phantom pain and he’ll have to adjust to not having all that weight on his left side. I don’t think infection will be an issue, but still keeping out germs and dust can’t hurt right and…” she trailed off and shook her head before going on.

“I don’t know how the kick didn’t break his nose and…” Steve cut her off.

“You need to lie down and rest too. Is there anything we can do for that?” asked Steve. From her knee down her it was a sickly blue and purple color. It was puffy and cuts on her leg had broken open. Steve kicked himself for not asking if she had been hurt during the bombing. _I should have asked._

“Do we have another kit on this boat?” asked Alison. Steve got up and found a small kit that might have been restocked. He brought it over and Alison fished out another roll of gauze and started wrapping her leg.

“I can’t redo all my stitches right now My leg is too puffy to handle it. I just have to keep it clean for now. Where are going? Jesus are you alright? I think he cut your face. Let me look at it,” said Alison.

“You need to rest,” said Steve firmly. Alison shook her head and started pawing through the kit.

“You don’t want that to get worse. Did you break anything. I think Bucky has a broken rib, maybe it’s bruised. Won’t know unless we X-ray and…”Steve grabbed her hand hard.

“Alison,” said Steve firmly. She looked at him blankly for few moments before she started crying.

“He’s sick...he’s a sick angry man. I don’t want to feel anything for him...I do though...I know how it feels to be that hurt. After the Invasion…I thought I had lost...The last man…” Alison got this far away look in her eyes. “The last man...the fountain...that was it…” Steve caught her before she fainted. She was cold and clearly going into shock. Steve laid her down and found two thin blankets. He careful wrapped Alison in the blankets hoping it would do something to warm her up. _Let them both sleep until we get where we’re going,_ thought Steve going back to make sure the auto pilot did it’s job.

A few hours later Steve saw the dense jungle coming up and hoped that landing wouldn’t be an issue. An airstrip came up and Steve heard a voice over the radio.

“His Highness told us you were coming. We have staff waiting to take you friends for treatment. Welcome to Wakanda,” said the voice. Steve landed and went to open the hatch doors. He saw that Bucky and Alison had somehow found each others hands and were loosely holding on to each other. _You two...only you two,_ thought Steve.

  
  


  
  



	11. The space between

“She’ll be out of surgery in a bit. It was a clean break for the most part. The delay in treatment was a bit worrisome, but she’ll be fine. She’ll need to rest and we’ll see if she’ll need any physical therapy once the cast comes off,” said a young sounding male voice.

“Thank you. Would it be alright if she stays in this room?’ asked Steve. He sound tried and relieved to Bucky.

Bucky was faking sleep and was listening to people talk to Steve. He knew he should let Steve know he was awake, but right now he just wanted to rest and listen to what was being said without taking part. Bucky had guessed they were in a hospital by the smells and how stiff the bed was. He had felt someone with gloved hands touching him carefully and hadn’t said anything as an IV was put into his right arm. They had tried to wake him up and Bucky kept faking sleep. He heard a nurse assure Steve that he was fine, but that rest was needed for now.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been out, but when he came too he heard Steve explaining about the blood transfusion he had given Alison. Clearly they had landed and were somewhere safe and getting help.

“I’m sure we can find something to make Ms. Conley comfortable during surgery. If she heals at the rate you are suggesting then we need to move quickly to make sure it’s healing correctly. If it heals badly she might have a hard time walking on the leg. We’ll let you know soon,” said the young sounding male voice. It was an an effort of will for Bucky to stay still and not demand answers. _How long will this take? Is she alright now? What if it can’t be fixed?_

Bucky listened as someone tended to Steve and brought him clothes to change into. It sound like Steve was going to be alright. A few bruised ribs, some stitches and a possible concussion. They almost had to drag him out of the room so they could do a scan just be sure his head was alright. _Stupid punk was brain damaged from day one,_ thought Bucky. Steve came back and Bucky kept faking sleep. _I can’t face him right now. I messed up._

He should have left the second he remembered killing Tony’s parents. He had been too scared to go though. He didn’t want to hurt Steve by taking off. He wanted to get better and try to make things right. _You could only do things half right though...plus there was Alison._

Had he been falling in love with her and not even known it when he told her? He had told her about Tony’s parents in a moment of weakness. _I wanted to apologize for hurting her. I wanted to know why she agreed to come back to help me after I hurt her. I hugged her, she was surprised at first and she hugged me back. I liked knowing I could touch her and she would never hurt._

Bucky really did believe he was getting better. The few months he had spent with the Avengers had been the best since he had gotten free of his programming. He could sleep at night, he had friends again and he had moments when he felt happy. _Working with Steve to plan a mission. Building things with Bruce. Watching Alison when she played music. It was all so normal and I thought it was all behind me._

Bucky heard people talking and something being pushed into the room. He heard them telling Steve that Alison needed her leg propped up and that if the pain got to be too much they could give her a stronger dose of medicine.

“We have a room ready for you if you want to get some rest,” said an older sounding woman.

“Thank you, but I should stay here in case they wake up,” said Steve. Bucky could imagine the older woman giving Steve a look that was torn between sympathy and exasperated.

“I’ll see about getting you a cot,” said the woman. There was a squeak of her shoes as she left the room. Bucky heard a bed squeak and Steve sigh deeply.

“You know Sam is going to have my head when he sees you,” said Steve. There was the sound of the nurse again rolling in something.

“Thank you,” said Steve and Bucky heard the squeak of shoes and the door shut softly.  Bucky heard Steve sigh again before speaking.

“I had no right to be upset with you for not telling me Bucky reached out to you. You weren’t doing it to hurt me...you wanted to protect him. Buck and I...it’s always been us looking out for each other,” said Steve. Bucky opened his eyes a bit to see Steve was sitting on the foot of Alison’s bed. He looked beyond tired and he was holding Alison’s hand loosely in his. Alison was asleep, but it didn’t look restful. Her hair looked matted and the green streak looked dingy. Her leg was suspended and in a bright white cast. Both her arms were covered and she had an IV going into her arm. _She looks better than she did when we were in South America, still..._

“It wasn’t your place to tell Tony what happened. It was mine. I should have told him when we found Bucky. I didn’t want to hurt him though...I didn’t want to hurt either of them. I hoped it was something Bucky would never remember. We liked Howard even when he was being an ass we liked him,” said Steve. It was silent for a while before Steve spoke again.

“I don’t think I ever thanked you for finding him. For getting him to stay as long as he did. For at least trying to get him to come home when he left,” said Steve. There was a soft sigh and Alison spoke up.

“What else was I going to do?” asked Alison. Bucky shut his eyes tightly. No he wasn’t ready to talk to her, not yet. He heard Steve chuckle lightly and he sounded relieved.

“Welcome back. I was getting a bit worried,” said Steve. “Do you want anything for the pain?” asked Steve.

“I’m fine for right now. Where are we?” asked Alison. She sounded tired to Bucky and maybe she would go back to sleep.

“We’re in Wakanda,” said Steve and Alison sighed and it sounded liked she was fighting sleep.

“My backpack. Where is my backpack?” asked Alison.

“It’s on the jet,” said Steve.

“I got it. The book. The one he used on Bucky. I need to study it and…”

“You need to rest,” said Steve firmly.

“I’m fine,” muttered Alison. Her tone changed and Bucky could almost feel her looking at him. “Is he alright? Can they put his arm back on. I know how to do it,” said Alison.

“We left it there,” said Steve. He told Alison what had happened after they had been separated and Bucky heard her sniffle.

“Damn him. Jesus...I’m sorry I wasn’t more help. Tony was just so mad I couldn’t get him to listen,” said Alison. “I didn’t know that you knew...I couldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t know if having Bucky tell what happened would help him or hurt him. I should have…”

“You need to sleep. I think we all do. We’ll talk in the morning,” said Steve firmly. Bucky heard Steve cross the room and turn off the light. There was a rustle of blankets and after a bit Bucky could tell they were both out. That was one downside to serum, once you were spent the crash was hard. Bucky was fighting his own crash and he needed to think.

 _I messed up,_ thought Bucky. It shouldn’t have been up to either one of them to tell Tony. He should have done it and faced it head on _They made me...they said the words, fried my brain and I did whatever they wanted. They can still make do whatever they want._ Alison had the notebook, but what if others knew the words?  How long could he go being normal before someone or something snapped him back to the Soldier? Even Alison had admitted to him she wasn’t sure about all the trigger words they had for him. Bucky himself isn’t sure which words could be used as a trigger until they are spoken to him. She had come up with their own password and signal to get the Soldier to listen to her. _She wouldn’t have been able to stop me in Berlin. She wouldn’t have been able to get close enough to me,_ thought Bucky.

Alison muttered in her sleep and Bucky thought about all the things he had yet to tell her. He wondered if Steve knew all the things the Soldier had done over the years. _They don’t know about you and Natasha,_ thought Bucky. He wondered why she had let them go. Did she believe their story? Did she not want to fight her friends anymore? He owed Alison the truth about him and Natasha. He didn’t want her to hear or learn it from someone else. _The truth needs to come from me and I need to tell it in my own way. Maybe if Tony had heard the truth from me or Steve it wouldn’t have been so bad,_ thought Bucky. Alison muttered a bit louder this time. It sounded like she had said mom and something else he couldn’t make out.

Bucky pulled himself up, took out his IV and used his IV pole to stagger over to Alison’s bed. The lost of his arm threw off his balance, but he would manage. He sat where Steve had sat and leaned against the wall. Bucky took her hand in his and held it tight. He had an idea about what could be done to stop going back into the Soldier and he would talk about with Alison in the morning. _It’s going to hurt them though...it might be the only choice though._

“James,” said Alison half opening her eyes to see him. _Crap,_ thought Bucky. He had planned to go back to his bed. He just wanted to hold her hand for a minute.

“You were talking in your sleep...I just wanted…” started Bucky.

“Stay here...please,” said Alison. “It’s a small bed, but we’ll manage,” said Alison. She had rarely asked him to do things for her when they had been together. Bucky couldn’t find it in him to tell her no. He laid down on the side of the bed where her leg wasn’t propped up. Alison took his hand and put her head on his shoulder. Out of habit he went to rub her back with his left hand and remembered it was gone.

“I can’t hold you right,” said Bucky bitterly. It wasn’t fair. They had spent months apart, the last few days had been hellish and now he couldn’t even comfort her the way she liked. What good was he to her?   _I should never had asked you to help me. Things would have been a lot better for you if I hadn’t come into your life._ He went to pull away and Alison held his hand.

“This is fine. This is fine...all that matters is that you’re here. Stay here...just stay…” She drifted back off. Bucky held her hand and watched her sleep

“I love you so damn much. I hope you really understand that,” said Bucky. He pressed a kiss to forehead and finally allowed himself to sleep for real. _I hope you’ll understand that what I want to do is because I love you._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  
  


“It’s complicated,” said a voice and there was a soft chuckle.

“I say the situation looks fairly simply. She tried protecting him from me. I thought it was a blind loyalty to you that caused her to turn her back on her friends. I see now it wasn’t loyalty blinding her...well...she wasn’t blind. Her friends deserved justice has well,” said another voice. Alison was too damn tired to open her eyes and she was about to ask the people if they could go outside and talk when pieces started clicking into place about where she was and who was talking.

“I told them you overpowered me and got away. I got the impression Mr. Stark thinks I’m lying, but he said nothing. Zemo is under lock and key at the UN. He confessed everything he did. They know your friend is not guilty of those crimes, but I get the sense they will be looking for all of you for awhile,” said T’Challa.

“I can’t thank you enough for this. Once they’re better we’ll be on our way. We don’t want you or your people to get in trouble because of us. The Accords..” started Steve.

“They were signed by my father, not me. Technically speaking,” said T’Challa and Alison thought she heard a mix of sadness and amusement in the statement. “If you were to go, what would you do?” asked T’Challa.

“Not sure. I owe my friends though. They didn’t let me down and I can’t leave them behind now,” said Steve.

“Do you know where they are? How to get in and more importantly how to get out?” asked T’Challa.

“I always tend to do better when my plans are on the fly,” said Steve.

“Please. Let me help you and your friends. I owe them too. You all stopped me from making a terrible mistake,” said T’Challa. Alison felt a hand on her arm and it squeezed her arm lightly.

“My father always said that love was simple and that people made it complicated,” said T’Challa. “I have more meetings to attend...I have to speak with my mother about my father’s funeral. For the meantime you and your friends might have to keep to this wing of the palace, If you need anything there will be nurses and a few servants to help,” said T’Challa.

“Thank you, your Highness,” said Steve. Alison felt the hand squeeze her arm again before letting go.

“I believe this belongs to Ms. Conley. I’ve made sure the chain has been repaired,” said T’Challa and Alison heard a soft click sound before the door shut.

“Couldn’t stay in your own bed?” muttered Steve and Alison heard the teasing tone before another door shut and a few moments later a shower turned on.

“Jealous,” muttered Bucky. Alison opened her eyes and saw that Bucky was next to her. His eyes were still closed, but he had hadn’t let go of her hand. She had been dreaming about her mother last night _Was it a dream or something else._ She had woken up to see Bucky sitting at the foot of her bed. She had asked him to stay and was a bit stunned that he had. _I didn’t think we were going to make it out of that place and now we have._ Alison touched his face and Bucky opened his eyes and looked at her. He looked like a man ready to take a punch to the face.

“How...is your leg alright? It looked bad...you aren’t hurt anywhere else are you?” asked Bucky.

“The leg is manageable and the cuts should in a few days. I’m fine. Just a bit run down,” said Alison. He couldn’t take his eyes off her and Alison swallowed hard. _What the hell do we do now?_

“You asked me to stay...I wanna stay and yet,” said Bucky and he shook his head and gathered his thoughts. “Do you really wanna try loving me again? Look what I’ve done to you. I still have a lot of things I haven’t told you yet. Hell I don’t know if you’re gonna love me after I tell you what I need to tell you,” said Bucky. He sounded so dismissive and yet sure of what he saying that it hurt her. Alison needed Bucky to understand her feelings toward him and she wasn’t sure if she could. _You can’t even make sense of them sometimes._

“The last few months...they’ve been so hard. I missed you. I worried about you. I blamed myself for your leaving. I finally got around to being mad at you just a few weeks ago. For me...I fall hard. I don’t know why. Maybe that’s why I tried so hard to not fall in love with you. I knew once I did it wasn’t going to let me go. I thought I was ready to move on from you and I’m not. I love you. It’s not going to be easy for us. Everything between us is confusing and messy for so many reasons, but not because we don’t love each other. At least we know that much,” said Alison.

Alison made sure the shower was still going before leaning in and kissing Bucky. It was different than the kiss they had shared not 24 hours ago. This was slow and deep. There was no hurry in it and Alison felt Bucky shudder and he pulled away from Alison quickly.

“Damn it....I...I’m just going to hurt you again. I don’t wanna hurt you, but it’s gonna happen. It’s all still in my head and no matter how much I love you they can make me forget. You have no idea what it was like to forget what I feel for you. I don’t know how to get it out of my head and until I do…” Bucky stopped talking as the shower turned off. Bucky squeezed her hand hard.

“We have a lot to talk about,” said Bucky. Alison nodded and went to push herself up into a sitting position. Bucky helped her up as best he could.

“Ally...I wish it had been easy for us,” said Bucky. He kissed her forehead. Something about that always turned her inside out. Steve came out dressed in jeans and a white long sleeved shirt.

“So shower or breakfast?” asked Steve.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


They both opted for showers. Nurses were called into to help them both. They took Alison to another room for a bath. She tried insisting that she could do it and the nurses just shook their head and put her in a wheelchair. Alison could be heard protesting as she left the room. Steve stood outside the door as another set of nurses helped him. Bucky was a bit nervous has the strangers helped him shower and get dressed in white sweats and a white shirt. They put a black cap over the stump of his left arm. The shoulder was still attached and Bucky felt odd little tingles every so often. He had felt them before when his arm was was on the fritz. _Tony took my arm off than too,_ thought Bucky dully.

He and Steve were taken to another room where breakfast was served. Alison came in a few minutes later on crutches. Her cast was hidden by a long gray skirt and her arms were covered by a long sleeved gray shirt. Her hair hung down and the green streak looked like it was starting to fade. There wasn’t a lot of talking between them as they ate. Another downside to the serum, your body needed to eat or the crash was even worse. None of them had eaten since leaving Germany and considering everything they had done Bucky was stunned that any of them were standing right now.  Bucky watched as Alison herself put away almost three plates before speaking.

“It might take me a day or two to get through the journal. I wanna be sure I understand everything right. I think my leg might take three weeks instead of six to heal. Never had a broken bone since the transfusion. I guess I get to keep my little self study side project up after all,” said Alison with a dry smile. Bucky looked at her and wasn’t sure what to think about that. Steve had refused to let himself be studied in a lab while he had been treated has nothing but a lab project. Bucky knew she was smart and trying to figure things out was just something she did. Still...she was more than just a project.

“You said you knew how to reattach Bucky’s arm?” asked Steve and Alison nodded.

“If we can work out something with the people here. Might take me and some people a few weeks...maybe a month or two to put a new one together. Not really sure to be honest. I know how they did it, but rebuilding it might take time. I wanna make sure it’s done right the first time,” said Alison firmly.

Bucky could recall having things attached and taken off repeatedly. He knew Alison had read the entire Hydra file given to her about what had been done to him. She had complained about certain things being missing, but the building of his arm must have been available to her in all its graphic detail.

“Thank you,” said Bucky softly. No matter how where he stood with her, he knew she would make sure he was taken care of. Steve nodded and looked thoughtful for a few minutes.

“I might leave you leave you two here to recover while I try to get the others out of the Raft. I want you both fully healed before we try to relocate anywhere else in the world.

“My vote is Mexico,” said Alison sipping her coffee. Bucky pushed his plate away. It was now or never. It would be like ripping a band aid off.

“How long will it take you to get the stuff out of my head?” asked Bucky. It came out harsher than he meant it and both Steve and Alison looked troubled. Alison’s hand shook a bit as she sat her cup down.

“I have to read the journal and it might take me a bit to understand it. I can’t really give a timeframe to that. It’s not a broken bone or a missing limb...it’s your mind. That’s a delicate thing. I have some ideas, but it’s going to take time and I can’t promise it will clear out everything,” said Alison.

“I need it all out of my head. All the brainwashing and control words needs to be out of me if I’m to be trusted again,” said Bucky firmly. Alison looked helpless and Steve sighed.

“We have the notebook and Zemo is locked away. After Alison does what needs to be done we’ll destroy the book. We won’t let anyone use you again,” said Steve.

“I know you both would do anything to keep me safe...you have,” said Bucky. _Damn it. Why is it so hard?_ “I want to keep you both safe and I can’t do that with what Hydra put in my head. Until Alison or someone else can find a way to get it out...I think I should go back to cryo,” said Bucky.

“Buck…” started Steve and Bucky cut him off.

“It’s the only way to be sure no one gets their hands on me and you’ll know where I am. You won’t have to worry if I’m safe or not. You’ll know where I am and people won’t think to look for me that way,” said Bucky. He looked at Steve has he spoke. Bucky looked at Alison and very nearly took back what he said. The last time he had seen that look was when they parted in Spain. He told her he couldn’t come home with her and she had the same look in her eyes. _Take care of yourself, James. She picked up her back and walked out the door._ _Scream at me, yell at me, throw something. Anything is better than that silent look of hurt,_ thought Bucky.

“I don’t know how long it would take to put that together. It might take time and I don’t know if they can do it,” said Alison plainly. Steve gave her a look and she ignored it. Bucky took her hand and she eyed it, but didn’t pull away.

“This isn’t...I’m not running away. I can’t trust myself. Please...I need you to help me with this,” said Bucky. Alison sighed and eased her hand out of his before reaching for her crutches.

“I need to see if they how the built your cryochamber in that notebook. If not I’m sure it might be in the SHIELD/Hydra files that got leaked. Might has well get started,” said Alison. She got to her feet shakily and walked away.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


There was a dull pain behind her eyes and Alison pushed the notes aside and rubbed her eyes hard before picking up where she was in the file. _What time is it? Is it time for dinner? I’m not hungry so does it really matter if I missed dinner I should get up and walk around_ , _it’s not good for my circulation to be sitting for so long. I’ll get up when I finish reading this file._

She had told herself that hours ago and yet she still sat hunched over a screen reading Hydra files with a notebook close by so she could add her own thoughts on a topic. She had given the doctors and techs specks on a cryochamber Hydra had used. The Wakandan scientists had been dabbling in cryo tech for some time now and would use what she had found to finalize a chamber. Two maybe three days to complete their work and they assured her, Steve and Bucky that the chamber and his rest would be comfortable.

It was the first time she had let herself be in the same room as Steve and Bucky since Bucky had decided to go back to cryo. Alison had requested a room she could study in and she hadn’t left it unless she had to talk with the doctors or the scientists. Sometimes she found food or drink had been sat on her desk and most of the time it was stone cold. She ate sometimes just because she had too. Honestly she didn’t care either way.

Steve had come in once or twice when she had left the door open. Alison had told him she was fine, but she wanted to be sure this was done the right way. After that she got up and locked the door. She wanted to work in peace.

 _This is how your life should be. Work. Study. Learn. What good has letting anyone in done for you? Not a damn thing. When your parents passed there was school and you were good in school. When Matt died there was school and work and you would have done well there if you hadn’t been weak. You had a decent job and maybe another school would have accepted you before you decided to see if a man in alley needed help. God you are stupid when it comes to people,_ spoke that nagging and bitter voice in her mind.

Alison had managed to shut that voice down in her mind for months, but now it seemed it was only voice that made sense to her. _Love isn’t for you. You threw a very nice life down the drain for someone who can’t stay. Oh no this isn’t running away at all. He’s just going to take a nap while you get to figure out how to undo 70 years of mind frying. Maybe you would like to take a nap and not think about how you’ll never go home again. Never see Franklin, Renee or Sophia again. You can’t go to your friends funerals. Your other friends are in jail. Maybe they’re still at the Raft or we’re moved to somewhere else. He loves so much he can’t wait to leave. You really are an idiot._

Hurt and angry seem to be the constant in her mind right now. Some very faint and rational part of Alison’s mind tried to speak up every so often. _You still love him and he doesn’t want to hurt you again and this is the only way he can think of._ It was quickly shouted down by the hurt that had bubbled on the surface since Bucky had left and the angry she had finally let herself feel.   _I didn’t want to fall in love with him. I was going to quit and leave when it turned that way and I stayed because of him. I should have left after he did and stayed liked an idiot waiting. He was never coming back for you. You should leave after they put him cryo. Let someone else figure it out. Maybe when he wakes up alone he’ll get it. He’ll get how worried and hurt you’ve been for months. He doesn’t care enough to stay why should you stay?_

Alison pushed the notes away and buried her face in her hands. Five minutes. Jesus she would give anything, do anything to get everything in her head to shut up. God it hadn’t been this loud in her mind in years. _You can thank one James Barnes for that. Really wasn’t your life simpler without him?_ _This is what loves gets you. You told him you loved him and yet he still wants to go._ Maybe she was being selfish in this moment? She hadn’t spoken to him since he told he wanted to go back to cryo. Than again Bucky hadn’t been pounding on the door to see her. Alison put her head down on the desk and closed her eyes. _Just five minutes. Please just be quiet for five minutes._ Alison was out cold in three minutes and unaware that Bucky had gotten a key to the room and was now watching her sleep.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


If Bucky had been given a choice to either go back to being in a Hydra camp or standing in this room looking at someone he loved and had hurt badly...well the camp was starting to look like the lesser of punishments. He really hadn’t seen her in almost four days and Bucky was fairly certain he had let it go far too long. _I should have come here sooner, talked to you, anything would have been better than this. I know I hurt you and I didn’t want to face it._

She had shut herself in this room for almost two days before she came out with a report on what Hydra had used for his chamber. She clearly hadn’t showered since the meeting about his chamber. She hadn’t looked at him or Steve as she spoke with people in charge of the cryogenics. She went back to his room before he or Steve could talk to her. Seve had tried and had gotten nowhere. The door had been locked after that. The staff had a key to let themselves in and bring her meals and he had heard that most of her meals sat untouched. They couldn’t recall if they had seen her sleep in that time.

“You have to talk to her,” said Steve. Bucky picked at his dinner and looked at him.

“What do I even say to her now? Sorry my brain is a mess and I can’t trust myself. Sorry you gave up your whole life for me. Sorry that I suck when it comes to being with you?” asked Bucky.

“One of those might be a good starting pointing. She loves you and….I don’t know what to tell you that I haven’t said already,” said Steve. Bucky looked at his food and thought about what Steve had told him. _Take a chance. You’ll hate yourself if you don’t._

“I know,” said Bucky, “I just...it would be easier if she didn’t love me anymore. Maybe she wouldn’t hurt so much if we did just end things. I would still love her, but she might be better off,” said Bucky. He had tried to push it away, had tried walking away from her and had even put an ocean between them and nothing he did dulled what he felt for her.

Bucky had waited until he saw someone going into her room with a tray and asked if he could have the key to her room. The young woman handed him the key and walked away quickly. It had still taken him hours before he could but the key in the lock and let himself in.

Alison was currently sleeping with her head on the desk. A tablet was open with a file on it and a notebook off to the side. Papers covered the desk with scribbles and highlight hard copies of files. Bucky gently put his hand on her head and Alison jerked awake. She saw it was him and Bucky couldn’t read if she was annoyed, mad or just lost.

“What...what time is it?” asked Alison rubbing her eyes hard.

“I think it’s about three in the morning,” said Bucky.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I wanted to finish this and…”

“I’m not worth this sweetheart,” said Bucky. The look in her eyes seemed to be even more lost now. Bucky sat down, it was hard at times to keep his balance with one arm standing up for long. He needed to be eye level with her too. He needed her to understand so much and he wasn’t sure if he could reach or if she wanted to be reached right now. He had to try though, she had always tried for him even before she fell in love with him.

“I love you. I don’t know if I would have ever loved anyone the way I love you if things had been different. I didn’t want to fall in love either. Look at me...I’m a mess. That’s putting a mildly at best,” said Bucky with a dark laugh. There was no returning smile from her, just that lost look.

“I know I’ve hurt you and I have no right to ask you anything or want anything from you. If you don’t want to start over with me...I’ll understand.” said Bucky. He went to stand up and stopped himself. This could be one of the last times he could be close to her. They had finished his chamber, all he had to do was give the word. Bucky carefully took her arm in his hand.

“I….I’m not good at this….I love you. I know you don’t believe me and…” Bucky pulled her into a one armed hug. “I love you...damn it I love you...I know how hard waking up alone is. I missed you and…I wish I could stay...I want to stay...I should have stayed before...” Alison hugged him back harder.

“I’m stuck...and I’m so damn mad at you and I don’t want you go because I love you. It’s all a mess in my head,” said Alison.

“Mine too,” admitted Bucky. _At least we can agree on a few things._ He got up and shut the door. “Why don’t we stay here until we talk the mess out of our heads?” asked Bucky. He had come in ready to let her go. Ready just to walk away from her and hope that someday she would be happy without him. _It’s what everyone does though...they walk away when it gets hard. She told you what she wanted. She wanted you to stay. Maybe even it’s for a little bit you did stay._

“You sure you can handle my mess? She’s kind of terrible,” said Alison.

“I’ve handled worse,” said Bucky and he sat back down. “Let’s talk.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are like cupcakes


	12. The Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay. There was writer's block, a broken laptop and a stolen purse with my whole life in it to deal with. I think I wrote this four times before I felt it was right. I have a few more chapters I want to do so I hope you all enjoy.

Bucky went and opened the curtains and window to let some air in. Honestly he didn’t know how she could work shut up like this. Alison started piling up the papers and files into stacks and turning her tablet off. She didn’t want him to see what she had been reading. How deep had she gotten into Hydra’s dealings and how many of them involved him?

“Would you have ever come back?” asked Alison softly.  _ She would start with the a hard ball. _

“Actually I had thought about asking you to come to Romania once I saw that you would be in Vienna. I chickened out though. I really was proud of you,” said Bucky. He looked at Alison and she was waiting for the answer to her real question. “I was working up to it...I did miss you and everyone else. I meant to ask a lot earlier about Bruce. How’s he doing?” Alison shrugged.

“I’m not really sure. When I ran off to find you he sort of got taken by Thor and no one has heard from either one of them since December,” said Alison. She managed to pull their chairs to the window and sat down. Bucky sat down next to her and thought about taking her hand again.  _ No...let her make that move. I want her to make that move.  _

“How much shit did you catch for that?” asked Bucky and for the first time in almost a week a small smile crossed her face.

“Steve wasn’t to pleased with me and I’m surprised Sam didn’t lock me in my room after that. I sort of lied to Steve. I told him I didn’t find you. He would have dragged you back to New York...it’s the reason I went without him. I wanted you to pick,” said Alison. “Well...not really I wanted you to come home.”

“I couldn’t...not then,” said Bucky. 

“Part of me knows that now. You were scared for a lot of reasons.. There is a rather large part of me though that will never understand why you thought being apart was the best way,” said Alison sounding hurt. 

“There is a part of me that will never understand how you even let me be this close to you after what I did to you. What I could of let happen to you or what they would have made me do to you,” said Bucky. 

Bucky could still recall the sick sound of her nose breaking when he been ordered to hit her. The way she pleaded weakly for him to help her when that bastard had her pinned to floor and had his hands on her. 

“I sometimes still have nightmares about it only I don’t help you and I watch him and others hurt you...I watch them kill you. I would have killed you in Berlin if you had got in my way. I almost choked Natasha to death,” admitted Bucky.  _ Oh how the hell do I even work up to telling her about me and Natasha now? _

“When I came back to HQ after that I slept in Sam’s room with Bailey for a few weeks. I’ve had my own fair share of nightmares about what happened.  Sometimes I dream that those men didn’t stay dead and...no matter how many times I kill them they just kept coming back. I can never get to you in those dreams. It’s gotten a bit better. I haven’t had that dream for almost three weeks...now...who knows what’s going to pop in my head,” said Alison and Bucky let out a small bitter chuckle. 

“Maybe we don’t leave the bad dreams for anyone else,” said Bucky. 

“I’m starting to think we don’t,” said Alison giving him another small but hard smile and it faded quickly. 

“I told myself I didn’t want to kill them...I just couldn’t see how to get us out. I knew if they got up and gave the Soldier an order we done for. Part of me though...I wanted them dead for hurting you. I don’t know all the ways they hurt you in the past, but I could hear you screaming and I told myself they would pay one way or another. I wasn’t going to leave you with those men, James. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I left you with them,” said Alison and she quickly wiped her eyes and looked out the window. 

“When I enlisted I knew there would be chance I would have to kill people. When I was my old self, I tried to not think of them as people who had family or friends. When I did...it’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I would give anything for you to not have those bastard’s blood on your hands. You aren’t a killer. You might have taken their lives, but you aren’t a killer,” said Bucky. 

“In Spain you said I was a killer,” said Alison dully. Bucky winced a bit, he had said a lot of things in Spain that shouldn’t have been said. He needed to make that right too and he wasn’t sure if he could.  _ Try...just try this time, _ thought Bucky.

“None of it was ever your fault. It was easy to blame and hurt you for things that scared me. You aren’t a killer the way they were or how I was,” said Bucky.

Alison reached out and Bucky took her hand. He held it carefully in his and rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb, Bucky had noticed her eyes when they first met, but when she had been his nurse he noticed her hands. They were small compared to his and were a bit callous, but she had always been gentle when she had to touch him. He liked watching her hands when she played guitar or the drums. He liked being allowed to hold her hand when he couldn’t sleep. Bucky had liked it even more when those hands had been on his body making him feel things he didn’t think he could feel again. Her hands, the care she used them for was one of the many reasons he had fallen so hard for her. Bucky noticed they were faint scars on the back on her hand and he frowned. 

“How are your arms?” asked Bucky studying her face to see if she was being honest with him.. 

“Fine. I got most of stitches taken out before the meeting. They look worse than what they are. The ones on my broken leg have to stay in a bit longer,” said Alison. She pushed up the sleeve of her right arm and it had red and slightly raised welts of different lengths all over. Alison had only pushed the sleeve up to her elbow, but Bucky could see that a few of cuts were past the elbow. Bucky trailed his fingers over the welts and looked at the floor. 

“I thought you had been killed in the bombing. It hurt… knowing that I was never going to see you again. I was going to try to find whoever did it and kill them. For hurting you. For using me as a pasty. I don’t know what I would have done after that. The way I am now....there isn’t a future with me like this,” said Bucky. 

Alison winced a little, either from his touch or the realization of this reasonings. Bucky kept lightly trailing his fingers over the welts as he spoke. 

“You have no idea how much I want a future with you. You gave me a chance to see a future. It’s not the one I thought I would have over seventy years ago, but I’m not who I was all those years ago. Honestly I don’t think my past self could love you as much as I do right now. I know this is unfair and it’s hard after everything you’ve gone through..what I put you through the last few months. There is still a lot I haven’t told you and that I need to tell you. I have too even though it’s going to hurt you. I don’t want to keep things from you,” said Bucky. He looked up at Alison and she looked worried. 

“I let you down and I messed up. You could have of had a much better future if I had just stuck to my job and tried harder to get that stuff out of your head. What if...what if I can’t figure it out? What if I mess up again and I can’t make it right for you?” asked Alison. 

She looked near tears and panic was written all over her face. It was the same look she had when he come to see her after her grandfather’s funeral. When he told her for the first time that he loved her she looked just as panicked. He could only imagine what it was like in her head now since the serum. Bucky hated having only one hand to comfort her. He cupped her face in his one hand though and let his forehead rest against hers

“You didn’t mess up or let me down. I am so damn proud of you. Despite everything that has happened you tried to do the right thing for everyone. Not just for me,” said Bucky. 

“That man...he said he was sorry they died. That they seemed like good people. He wanted me to shoot him and part of me did want to pull the trigger. I wanted him dead for everything he had done. I didn’t know if you or Steve or Tony were alive and he had hurt so many people. But I know what it’s like to be that mad and messed up. After the Invasion…” Alison wiped her eyes and shook her head. 

“Well I was more self destructive. I fine just hurting myself. At least I thought I was only hurting myself,” said Alison. She sighed deeply before going on. “James...I’m trying to understand why you need to do this. You’re right about it being hard. I missed you so much and even though I know you’ll be safe it still hurts. I’m really trying to not listen that thing in my head says you don’t love me and that I’m better off being alone and that’s hard too. It’s all tangled up,” said Alison.  

“ I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m not leaving to hurt you this time. I was wrong to leave the way I did. I thought I was ready to be with someone and I want to be with you more than anything. Until I can trust myself with you or anybody else I need to get my head right. I can’t forget what I did and I don’t think people will forgive me, but I won’t let myself be used again. It’s been a mess in my head too trying to figure out all my feelings when it comes to us. I do you love you though. More than I thought I could love anyone new in my life,” said Bucky. He rubbed her cheek with the back of his hand and kissed her forehead. 

“I want to be with you again. The right way. If there can be a right way for us going forward. I know you said you would have come with me, but I don’t think you would have been happy. You would have missed your friends. Your family. I know you’re going to miss them even more now. I never meant to take you away from them,” said Bucky. 

“I know that and I do miss them. I don’t know if we’ll ever be allowed to go back or if they’ll even forgive me for doing this. I know Franklin understands and he’ll keep our secrets safe. Maybe Sophia will understand why I did what I did, but Renee and Sarah and everyone else I know back home will think I really have lost my mind this time. Most of them won’t understand this and well...if it does come out that we are whatever we are...they won’t understand,” said Alison. 

Bucky swallowed hard and tried to think of what to say next. Alison took his hand and she looked out the window as the sun was starting to come up. 

“I want us to be together again. You going into cryo hurts even if you don’t mean it to hurt me. I understand though about needing to get your head right and I know that you do love me, even when that thing in my head says you don’t. I just don’t know how long it’s going to take to make it right. It might be a week, a year, a decade,” said Alison and she kept looking at the sunrise. 

“I wish I could promise you something to make up for the wait Alison. I can only promise you one thing; me. That when I come back I’m going to stay no matter what. No matter how long it takes for us to be alright again I’m going to try. That someday...if you want me and if we can...I wanna marry you,” said Bucky. Alison turned and looked at him quickly and puzzled. 

“Marry me...I…” Bucky squeezed her hand and felt oddly calm now. He was going to cryo, but he needed her to understand that no matter how long it might take, when he came back he was going to be her’s. That if she could wait just a bit longer that he would spend the rest of their lives trying to give her what she needed and deserved from him. 

“If you want too or we could just stay how we are. Whatever that happens to be. I love you and if you’ll have me I would...I…” Alison cut him off.

“Did you want to marry me before this?” asked Alison and she seemed near panic again.  _ What the hell did I do now?  _ thought Bucky. 

“I had thought about it they took me, but I wasn’t sure. Becca told me I should…” Alison reached out and touched the ring on his chain. The ring that had belonged to Becca and his mother. Her hand was shaking a bit and her voice shook a bit

“I needed to hear that. I needed to know it was what you really wanted,” said Alison. Bucky grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him.

“I still have a lot to tell you and I don’t know if it will change your mind, but I promise no matter what happens I will never not love you,” said Bucky. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Bucky told her he wanted to go into cryo tomorrow morning, but he wanted to spend the day with her before he went. Alison went and showered while Bucky went to talk to Steve. She wondered if he and Steve had talked about what had happened the last few months. Hell what had happened the last few days. A nurse was nearby to help her and Alison was only slightly embarrassed. She had seen her fair share of people in the nude during her time as nurse, but it still didn’t help the awkward feelings.

Alison studied the scars on her arms and leg, she could only guess at how bad the ones on her broken leg would look. They would fade, but she didn’t they would go away. Much like the scars she had seen on Bucky. They had faded, but guessing age and severity was beyond her due to the serum healing factors. The nurse helped her dressed in a long dark blue skirt with a white shirt that covered her arms. 

“Thank you,” said Alison and the woman smiled before speaking in the accent Alison had heard from T’Challa and his father.

“You were a nurse too from what I heard. This is what we do,” she said. She picked up the dirty clothes before leaving the room.  _ Yes, it’s what we do, _ thought Alison brushing her hair out while sitting down on the edge of the tub. She looked at the scars on her hand and frowned. She was scared and there would be no hiding it from anyone. She would carry a visible reminder of what had happened and the decisions she had made after it.

_ I did the right thing. The person who really did this is never going to see the light of day again. Grandpa always said doing the right thing was never the easiest thing. You never said it would be this hard though. Than again I don’t think you would have ever believed I would be on the run with Captain America hiding in Africa, _ thought Alison. 

She grabbed her crutches and made her way into the room where Bucky was waiting for her.  _ He really does love you and this isn’t easy for him either. Let’s just try to enjoy what time you have with him before he goes, _ thought Alison. It did hurt though and there was very little that could be done to change that. He needed help beyond what she could do for him now. It was his choice to do this. Just like it was her choice to wait for him to come back again. It wasn’t an easy choice for either of them, but the right choices were never the easy ones. 

Bucky was in the room that they had spent the first night in. He was sitting by the window and he was fiddling with the dog tags around his neck. Alison felt a bit guilty that she hadn’t put hers back on yet. They still sat on the table next to the bed they had briefly shared. Alison picked them up before walking over to Bucky. He gave her a small smile as she sat down and she put her dog tags back on.

“I was surprised that you didn’t ask for your father’s tag back. Actually I’m a little more surprised you still have my tag,” said Bucky. 

“Honestly I forgot at first. I wasn’t in the best headspace when I saw you,” said Alison. It had been right after Becca’s funeral and she had still been adjusting to the serum side effects. She owed it to him to be honest about where her head had been at time. 

“I shouldn’t compare you two. It isn’t fair or right, but at the time...you’re leaving reminded me of how it felt my dad left. I felt it was my fault that you left. It’s not fair and I’m sure some shrink out there would call it a ‘daddy issue’.  Maybe it is. I loved him though and he’s a part of me, just like you are now.  I couldn’t get him to come back, but I hoped I would get you to come back. I’m surprised you still have my half,” said Alison. 

“I had thought about giving it back to you and I couldn’t. If I gave it back, it meant we were really done. Part of me thought I was ready to be done with us and then I would see a woman with hair like yours or hear a song you played and I couldn’t be done with us. Even though we were apart there wasn’t anyone else. I couldn’t even think of trying again with anyone else. I don’t think I could feel this way for someone else. I felt too much with you and even though it scared me I didn’t want to let it go,” Bucky took her hand and held it tightly and he gave her a sad and small smile. 

“I really hoped you would have tried seeing someone else. I would have understood if you had,” said Bucky. 

“People have told me how lucky I am,” said Alison. “I lived through an alien invasion, I lived through being kidnapped by a Nazi sub group, and I survived a building blowing up. I guess I am. I guess I got lucky when it came to love. I thought I would never fall in love again after Matt. I wasn’t sure if I could feel the same way about another person...than there was you and...boom. It was like getting hit by lightning. After you left though, I was sure that I didn’t want to tempt fate again. Plus I had that wonderful, nagging voice in my head telling me how I wasn’t supposed to have love like that in my life if it kept leaving me,” said Alison. She saw Bucky wince and he gripped her hand harder. 

“I thought my head was messed up,” said Bucky giving her another sad and small smile. 

“I have good days and bad ones. I can handle the bad ones for the most part. I really haven’t found a medication to fill in since the serum. However you did just see one of my minor bad spells. I know you love me the best that you can considering what they did to you and how quickly things moved between us, however sometimes that rational part gets put in a trunk of my mind and I get stuck on things,” said Alison. 

Bucky leaned forward and kissed her forehead. Somehow that light brushing of his lips on her forehead always turned her inside out. He looked at her with those dark blue eyes and it was all she could do not to give in and pull him over to the bed. However she wasn’t sure if they could handle it emotionally. He would see more of the scars from the bombing and what would he think when he saw them plus their were his own injuries to think of. No. It was for the best she didn’t give into that impulse right now. 

“I wish I didn’t have to do this. I can’t trust myself when my brain goes nuts. I don’t ever want to hurt you, or Steve or Tony...or anyone ever again because someone told me to jump. They trained me like a dog and I won’t be their dog anymore. I wish Tony would have understood that...I know I did it, but it wasn’t because I wanted to do it...it makes me sick to say I was just following orders. I heard that line when we freed prisoners from Hydra camps. They were treated so badly and the officers would say they were just following orders to beat and starve and mistreat people. I hated hearing it. Orders shouldn’t override basic decency,” said Bucky sounding beyond bitter. 

“What happened after we got separated in the base? How did you and Steve get Tony to stop?” asked Alison. It was something they should have talked about earlier and she had gotten wrapped up in her work and her personal hurt. Bucky looked at ground and his hand worried over the scars on her hand. He told her how ugly the fight had gotten, it wasn’t enough that Tony had wanted to kill Bucky, but might have killed Steve for trying to stop him. 

“I think he might have been mad enough to kill you too if we hadn’t gotten split up. It would have destroyed him later, but in the moment he didn’t care,” said Bucky. 

“Tony is a good man, but he carries a lot a guilt around for the people who couldn’t save. I know you and Steve were friends with Howard, but I don’t think he was the best father to Tony growing up. Just a feeling I have and well there were stories in gossip mags and trashy tell alls. It’s going to take time to work through it. I...I still...I’m not sure how we should have handled it. I wanted the choice to be up to you to tell or not. I don’t know if hearing it from me or Steve sooner would have changed things or not. He does have a right to be mad. Those were his parents, he did love them even if Howard wasn’t the best parent. Still it wasn’t your fault and what he wanted to do wouldn’t have brought them back and it wasn’t justice,” said Alison. 

“An eye for eye,” said Bucky.

“And the whole world goes blind,” said Alison. Bucky locked eyes with her and Alison was hit hard with how old he was compared to her. His eyes had a look of someone who had seen everything in the world and she suddenly felt so young and naive compared to him. 

“What would be justice for Tony?” asked Bucky. 

“Sometimes there might not be a clear cut justice.  Hydra made you kill them and now they’re dead or locked away...or just laying low. Do you remember who gave the order?” asked Alison. 

“My handler. But I can’t be sure who gave him the order. I’m sure if you keep digging in the files you might find it,” said Bucky. 

“I might take a break from those. Really I was only digging through them to avoid dealing with my feelings,” said Alison. She did wonder what else was at the base in Serbia and if finding everything was for the best.  _ Maybe somethings belonged buried and left alone, _ thought Alison.

“I wish there was something I could do to make it right for him. For everyone that Hydra used me to hurt. I’ll never forget any of them though. I don’t ever want to forget those again. I want to be free, but I still need to remember what I did and what they did to me,” said Bucky. 

“It’s not up to you to make any of it right, but I know that it won’t change how you feel. When you and I decided to be together, Steve and I had a talk about what it mean if the world knew you were alive and what happened to you. You deserve justice as much as anyone else, but would it make it right for you?” asked Alison.

“A trial. It would be fair...maybe. I don’t know,” said Bucky. “They would want to know how everyone kept me hidden and they would have to know about us,” said Bucky.

“Yes. I do know the most about what they did to you. I was your psych nurse before we got involved. I made sure everything we talked about was written down and I had Franklin hide it. I just wasn’t sure how you would feel with everyone knowing everything. They would have to know everything to truly understand why you did what you,” said Alison. 

It hurt her to really think of what a trial would mean for Bucky. The whole world knowing every horrible, dehumanizing thing done to him over seventy years. Would they even care what he gone through? Would they only see the tool Hydra had made him to be? She knew the press and court would drag her through the mud. She had slept with her patient and what kind of person does that? She could handle whatever mocking would come her way. She didn’t think she could handle the possible mocking of had been done to Bucky and what would happen if they decided he needed to keep being punished. 

“Would they have to know everything?” asked Bucky softly and Alison nodded. Bucky closed his eyes and let his forehead rest against hers. “I have to tell you something that wasn’t in the files and I only just remembered it a few weeks ago. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you or not, but I don’t want secrets between us. The rest of world doesn’t need to know everything, but you should know everything,” said Bucky. 

“What is it?” asked Alison feeling something heavy settle in stomach and she wasn’t sure why. 

“Before you...I swear I didn’t remember. I would have told you if  I had remembered. I met Natasha before. When she was training in the Red Room. They wanted me to train her...I did and then one day...I slipped and she reminded me of Georgina. We slept together,” said Bucky. 

Alison felt hot and cold all at once and there was a ringing in her head. Bucky gripped her arm hard and gave her a little shake. 

“It didn’t mean anything. I swear. I honestly didn’t remember until I called trying to see how you were. Please. Please believe me,” said Bucky. 

“They...they didn’t force you? Or her?” asked Alison. 

“No,” said Bucky softly. 

“I’m not jealous...I’m...I don’t know. Neither one of you were forced and that takes a weight off it. Does she remember?” asked Alison. The ringing her head had stopped, but the hot and cold feeling hadn’t fade. She wasn’t jealous right now, but there was confusion. Why hadn’t Natasha told them of seeing Bucky in the Red Room? Was it because she worried about how it would effect Steve? She couldn’t have know who he was really. Natasha had encouraged him and her to be together. Was it her way of making up for what he couldn’t remember? 

“I think so. They didn’t mind wipe the girls there. I swear I didn’t hurt her and she didn’t hurt me. I just...I thought...I really thought it was Georgina. It meant something at the time, I wasn’t sure what it meant. I just..I hadn’t felt that way in years and I wasn’t myself or the Solider when it happened. Alison, I need you to believe me when I tell you it doesn’t mean anything now. I love you. I wanted you to hear this from me. I don’t want to hide things from you even if it’s going to hurt us both. I love you,” said Bucky sounded panicked.

“I love you too, but it’s a lot to take it,” said Alison squeezing his hand. “I mean she might not have known who you really were. You thought...it was the eyes,” said Alison and Bucky nodded. From what he had told her Georgina also had green eyes.  _ Well at least he has a type, _ spoke up that hateful part of her brain. 

“You reminded me of her too, but it was more than eyes,” said Bucky. “You care about me. From the moment you saw you me, you cared. That’s why I fell so damn hard for you sweetheart.  I don’t think she really cared about me the way you do when it happened and I know she doesn’t feel that way about me now. I wanted to feel something when I was with her. I was trying to remember that feeling. I remember that feeling when I’m with you. I remember what it’s like to feel, to know that someone loves me back,” said Bucky. 

“It’s still a lot to wrap my head around. I don’t think we should tell anyone else. It’s private and in the past,” said Alison. Bucky cupped her face in his hand and those dark eyes looked troubled. 

“I would have told you sooner if I had remembered it. Honest. I didn’t want this to come out like things did with Tony. I still have a lot to tell you about my past...the things I did...what I remember them doing to me. I just...I knew that this one would be the hardest,” said Bucky. Alison took his hand and held it tightly. 

“I know that and hearing it from you does make a little easier to deal with. I don’t know if we should tell Steve. Natasha did help us back in Germany. She knew we were doing the right thing. If you want to tell him I’ll understand though,” said Alison. 

“I’ll think about it. I’ll have time to think about it,” said Bucky trying to joke. 

“We might have to wake up from time to time to test out theories. I’ll try to make sure it’s easy for you coming in and out of cryo,” said Alison. 

“I’ll try to make it easy for you too. Don’t work too hard...I don’t want you to get stuck again,” said Bucky. 

“I’ll try. I can’t make that promise to you, because I don’t know if I can keep it. I don’t make promises that I can’t keep. I can promise that I’ll keep loving you and I will be there when you wake up,” said Alison. Bucky leaned forward, pulled her onto his lap and kissed her hard. Her leg protested the sudden movement and adjustment her body had to make. His hand fisted hard in her hair so she couldn’t move her head and he tilted her head so he could deepen the kiss. She could feel his erection pressing against her and Alison put her hands on his chest and went to ease away when Bucky caught one of her hands and pulled out the kiss. 

“Did that hurt?” asked Bucky. 

“A bit, my leg,” muttered Alison. Alison went to go back to her seat and Bucky grabbed her wrist. 

“The last time we were together, it wasn’t right. You weren’t yourself and I should have stopped it. I let you think I was going to come back with you. It hurt you and it hurt me afterwards. I want to be with you again. The right way though. You have no idea how much I want you right now. If you want to stop I’ll understand. You never rushed me to be with you and I won’t rush you now,” said Bucky. He kissed her lightly on the lips before letting go of her wrist. Alison went back to her seat and tried to get her thoughts in order. 

“So what did you do while I was gone?” asked Bucky.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The day had by too quickly for Bucky. She filled him on what she had been doing while he was gone. the wedding she had taken Steve too, a night  out with Jenny and Adair, how Bailey had failed puppy school twice. All sorts of tiny things he wished he had stayed for. 

Alison had insisted that he needed to spend some time with Steve before he went back to cryo. They found Steve reading a newspaper with the headline  _ Captain Traitor _ with a picture of him from the war. Alison scoffed about what a terrible headline it was and suggested they all watch a movie. They watched movies for hours. Some were from when he and Steve had been growing up, movies Steve had on his list, a couple of comedies that had Alison in tears and he and Steve not getting the jokes until she explained them and then they all started laughing. They had dinner together and talked about everything but what had happened the last few days or his return to cryo. It was nearly one in the morning when Steve said they should try to get some sleep. Alison nodded and picked up her crutches. 

“Actually where am I sleeping? I’ve just been dozing in the study,” admitted Alison. 

“Down the hall to the right, the third door,” said Steve. She got up and touched Bucky’s arm. 

“I’ll see you both in the morning, Good night,” said Alison. She patted his arm before leaving the room. Bucky watched her go and sighed. 

“I’m glad you two talked. I know you both still have a lot of stuff to settle, but it’s start. I wish things had been different for both you. You’re good for each other,” said Steve. 

“Did you know that Becca gave her my mom’s ring?” asked Bucky. 

“No,” said Steve and a small smile crossed his face. “Your mom did want to keep it in the family. She would have liked Alison,” 

“A Catholic nurse from Brooklyn. What’s not to like?” asked Bucky. 

“She’s not a baseball fan,” said Steve and Bucky shrugged. 

“Give her time and she’ll learn to love it,” said Bucky. Steve got up and Bucky followed him out of the room. Steve stopped outside Alison’s door and looked at Bucky. 

“You know that is her ring,” said Steve eying the ring on his chain. 

“I know and…” started Bucky. Steve knocked on Alison’s door before dashing to his room and shutting the door. 

“Coming,” said Alison. Bucky debated trying to run after Steve and kicking him for being such a jerk when Alison opened the door and looked puzzled to see him.

“Hey,” said Alison leaning on one of her crutches and holding the door with her other hand for support. 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep,” said Bucky. Well that wasn’t too much of lie. He didn’t think he could sleep and well when he did manage to sleep he had nightmares. Alison moved aside so he could come into the room. Bucky shut the door and Alison hobbled over to the bed. She still had her skirt on, but was also wearing a hastily thrown on robe. The shirt and bra she had been wearing were on a chair by the bed. A blue nightgown was on the bed and she picked it up. 

“I’m just gonna go change,” said Alison . 

“You can change out here. I won’t look,” said Bucky. He sat down in a chair and closed his eyes. It took a few moments before she told him he could open his eyes. The nightgown went to her knees and was short sleeved. Bucky could see the scars went down her leg in the same uneven pattern and the ones on her arms were past her elbows. 

“Jesus,” muttered Bucky. He went over to her and lightly put his hand on her arm. He shudder a little thinking how much worse it could have been for her.  _ She could have lost a limb, her eyesight, her hearing...her life.   _

“They look a lot worse than they are,” said Alison and Bucky could feel how tense she was. She went to grab the robe and he stopped her. 

“They bother me because you got hurt, not because...you’ve seen all my scars and it didn’t change what you thought about me. It would be real shitty of me to change what I think about you physically since you got hurt,” said Bucky and Alison’s face flushed. 

“I just wasn’t really sure. It’s going to sound petty, but I just...I wasn’t sure you would see me the same way when you saw them,” said Alison. Bucky kissed the side of her head and ran his hand down her back. Alison put her head on his shoulder and Bucky toyed with her hair. He had missed this more than had being willing to admit.

“Do you...I still have my I-Pod. We could listen to music or…” started Alison. 

“Music is fine,” said Bucky. Alison got up and went over to the little table. Someone had brought her backpack in and Bucky shook his head at how beat up it looked. She was fishing around in the bag when she turned around looking a bit worried. 

“I should have told you sooner, but it honestly slipped my mind with everything going on,” said Alison. She reached into the bag and pulled out his journal. “I didn’t read it, but I thought you might need it,” said Alison. Bucky got up and went over to Alison. She held out the journal for him and Bucky shook his head. 

“I want you have it and you can read it if you want,” said Bucky and Alison looked worried. “I trust you with my life and my life is in there, ” said Bucky. Alison sat the journal down and Bucky took her hand.

“I’m sorry that it took me so long to really figure it out how I felt and that I hurt you along the way. I know that today doesn’t make up for disappearing for all those months and that my going back under is going to hurt you. I want a life with you and no matter what happens between now, when I go under and when I wake up again...I need you to know that I love you, It’s one of the few things in my life that I never want to forget,” said Bucky. He bent down and kissed her lightly on the mouth. He felt Alison’s hands on his face and in his hair as she kissed him back. 

“You won’t change your mind either? No matter how long it takes to make it right...it could take…” muttered Alison has she kissed his cheek and rubbed her face against the stubble. 

“No. Nothing will change my mind about how I feel about us. I promise,” said Bucky. He took off his chain of dog tags and the ring and put them on Alison. “This is the best I can give you right now. I love you and we’re going to be together again. I promise,” whispered Bucky. Alison hugged him tightly and Bucky hugged her back best as he could. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

 

Bucky let the tech take his pulse and they had already taken his blood to test just in case. They were all being very kind to him and he had to remind himself that these people wanted to help him. He watched Alison talking to one of the techs and he felt that odd sense of pride. She wasn’t the same woman from a year ago and while part of him wished she still could be, this woman was far stronger than either one of them would have guessed. She loved him more than he would ever understand. Well, maybe that was fair considering how much he loved her.  _ Maybe we had to go through this to really understand what we felt. There has to be some silver lining to all this somehow.  _  Bucky watched her walk as best she could on the crutches over to another tech and watched as they bent over a tablet and compared figures. 

Steve walked in and eyed the high tech lab. They all had breakfast together this morning and while Steve appeared fine on the surface, Bucky knew that some part of him was hurting. Steve wouldn’t it show, not even to him.  _ I know I’m hurting you too. I can never thank you enough for saving me. I wish I could stay for both of you. _

“You sure about this?” asked Steve. The last few days that Alison had spent hiding in work had left him and Steve alone. They talked about what to do to get the others out of jail, where they could and what life had been like before this. They had talked about anything really but this. Alison was putting the future on hold for him. Steve was trying to hold on a past when things had been easy.  _ Two different people wanting two different pieces of their lives with me.  _

“I can’t trust my own mind,” said Bucky and he let out a small chuckle at the understatement. He could be used to destroy lives. He could have killed his friends and lover without a second thought. No he couldn’t trust himself right now. 

“So, until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head I think going back under is the best thing. For everybody,” said Bucky. 

Steve watched as Bucky’s eyes drifted over to Alison. She nervously tucked the green strand of hair behind her ear and followed a tech over to another station. Steve wondered if he had ever looked at Peggy like that. 

“I’ll make sure she’s okay and that she doesn’t work herself up too much,” said Steve and Bucky gave him a small smile. 

“I know...thank you,” said Bucky. A tech came over with a cart covered with wires and little pads of some sort. Alison thanked him and he nodded before going off to help someone else. 

“I want to monitor your brainwaves while you’re sleeping. You’re going under without being wiped so in case you start to freak out we’ll know. It’s just a little bit of glue and it should wash right out when we wake you up,” said Alison. She picked up one the squares and put some glue on it. She moved Bucky’s hair to find a place to stick it. Steve stepped aside to let Alison do what she needed to do. He also did it so they could have a small amount of privacy, something about the way Bucky had looked when Alison moved his hair aside. Steve wondered again if he had looked like that when he had made that date with Peggy. He knew they had spent the night together, but Steve knew all too well how their never seem to be enough time when it was someone you loved and you needed to say goodbye. 

Steve watched as Alison adjusted wires in Bucky’s hair and he made a snide remark and Alison rolled her eyes. She muttered something about how Bucky was the oldest Brooklyn hipster and Bucky’s grin got even bigger. Alison finished and she sighed deeply. 

“Are you really ready?” asked Alison. Bucky took her hand in his and nodded. “Alright,” Alison told the techs they were ready and she went to turn away and Bucky kept a hold on her hand, 

“I’m proud of you,” said Bucky and Alison kissed his forehead. 

“I promise I’ll be here when you wake up,” said Alison. Bucky let go of her hand and let the techs help him over the cryo bed. 

“This is actually really comfortable,” said Bucky settling in. Steve went over and grabbed Bucky’s shoulder. 

“See you soon,” said Steve and Bucky gave him that cocky smile from their days growing up.  Steve stepped back as the techs adjusted the straps on the bed and made sure Bucky was secure. Alison did one last check to make sure everything was attached and when she was satisfied she gave Bucky a kiss on his forehead. 

“Sweet dreams,” said Alison. She came over to him and nodded at someone who closed the door on Bucky’s cryochamber Bucky closed his eyes and the chamber made a hissing sound and frosted over. Steve heard Alison let out a deep sigh and she looked resolved and oddly calm. 

“The Last Man,” said Alison and there was a faint smile on her face. “The name of piece  Matt was playing was called The Last Man. It was from a movie called The Fountain. Did you ever see it?” asked Alison and Steve shook his head no. “It’s rather artsy. Guy who made it does a lot of out there stuff. I can’t believe I forgot it,” said Alison shaking her head. 

“Captain Rogers,” said a young woman. “His Highness would like to speak with you.” Steve looked at Alison and she nodded. 

“I can handle it from here,” said Alison. Steve patted her arm and went to speak with T’Challa. He cast one last glance back at Alison as she followed a team to another room.  _ I’ll take care of your girl, Buck. I promise.  _

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Steve finalized his plans to break into the Raft with T’Challa. T’Challa had agreed to let them stay here for as long as they needed too. Steve tried to protest, well half heartedly protest how kind T’Challa was being. 

“Until your team is whole again where else would you go? Beside would you be fine with Ms. Conley staying here alone with your friend?” asked T’Challa. No, he couldn’t leave Alison alone. He had made a promise to Bucky to look out for her. Plus they would need to regroup and figure out where to go and what to do next

“I can’t thank you enough,” said Steve and T’Challa shook his hand. 

“You delivered justice to me and my people. This is the very least I can do for all of you,” said T’Challa. He shook Steve’s hand and went to go talk with another set of his advisors about the upcoming plans for his father’s funeral. Steve decided to see if he could find Alison and make sure she had eaten lunch or dinner when he heard faint music coming from her room. It sounded like piano and the chords were melancholy. He tapped on the door and Alison was sitting on her bed holding a tablet in her hands. Alison looked near tears and yet she grinning slightly. She saw him and quickly tapped on the tablet and the music stopped. She wiped her eyes before speaking.

“I can’t believe I couldn’t remember what he was playing all this time. The music was one of the best things about that movie. I had to see it with Matt and Sophia for a film class they were taking together,” said Alison. Steve sat down next to her on the bed and took Alison’s hand.

“What’s it about? You can tell me all the spoilers, said Steve and it got a weak laugh out of her.

“It’s like three stories all linking together. The main one is about this doctor trying to find a cure for his wife’s brain tumor. He’s trying to stop her from dying and she’s sort accepted her death. So she’s writing this book about a Spanish Conquistador and his quest to find the tree of life for the queen. And than the third story is him trying through time with the tree of life remembering everything and refusing to let her go even after all the time that has passed. Until he finally realizes that letting her go is the only way they can finally be together. I know this isn’t forever and that it has to be this way for now,” said Alison and she fiddled with the dog tags and the ring around it. 

“Can I listen with you?” asked Steve. She hit play on the tablet and started the song over. The piano started it’s melancholy chords again and about a minute in the strings came into play. It was sad, beautiful and moving all at once. Steve wished he could have heard it played by a live orchestra the way Alison had. He could see why it had moved her to tears the first time she had heard Matt play it. 

“It’s beautiful,” said Steve when it had finished and Alison smiled. It was one of the rare ones that reached her eyes. 

“It’s going to be alright. I have some ideas and there are some really great people here to help figure out which one is the best. I can wait,” said Alison. 

“I know this has been hard for you. This isn’t what you signed up for and I can’t thank you enough for sticking with us,” said Steve. 

“I belong here. Not just for Bucky or Sam...I thought leaving would be for the best, now...the world needs us even if they don’t want to admit it. I know things aren’t the best right now, but we should keep the door open to go back if they need us,” said Alison. She leaned back against the wall and looked thoughtful. 

“After Matt died I was so lost. I blamed myself and I blamed you. All those people you saved and yet you couldn’t save him and I was so angry at you and well all of you really. You could just go on like nothing happened and you didn’t have to feel the loss like we did. Than the angry started to fade, I started trying to move on, Sam joined up with you guys and I got to know who you all really were. You feel the losses just like we did...maybe even more so in some ways. What you try do can’t be easy and it isn’t, but you keep going and that is something I’m proud to be apart of,” said Alison. 

Before Steve left for the Raft he had a letter and burner phone sent to Tony. The way forward wasn’t going to be easy, but maybe someday Tony would need them again and they had to keep trying no matter what. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope folks go listen to the song The Last Man from The Fountain while Steve and Alison listen to it. 
> 
> Thoughts are always welcome.


	13. Till you come home again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated M for adult content

 

De un gran amor que dio alegría a mi corazón. Pero en realidad, tu amor jamás será. Sólo un recuerdo soy de ti,” sang Alison. Her mom smiled and Ms. Linda shook her head and adjusted the needle going into her mother’s arm.  

“Your Mija is going to know better Spanish than English when she does start school,” said Ms. Linda.

“Well they say if you want to teach them a second language it’s good to do it while they’re young and learn fast. Just think when daddy comes home we can all go to a Selena concert together and you’ll have to teach him all the songs.”

Her mom kissed her on the head and got comfortable in the bed. Alison made sure there was room for her to color and for her mom to have her drawing book. Her mom liked to draw when she was getting her medicine. Sometimes Alison would fall asleep while her mom got her medicine and when she woke up her mom had drawn all sorts of things. Flowers and birds. Huge towers or planes like the ones her dad flew in. Alison had tried to copy them, but she wasn’t very good. Mom said it had taken her years to get good at drawing and that with time and practice someday she would be good too. Her mom turned on the little radio she had and Luis Miguel was in the middle of a song. Mom smiled and started humming along as Ms. Linda finished getting Mom ready for her medicine.

Ms. Linda turned the machine on and the hum started and Alison watched the wheel start spinning on the dialysis machine. Mom said it didn’t hurt and that it was only taking a little bit of blood out at a time and cleaning it for her so she would feel better. Alison didn’t understand how getting blood taken out didn’t hurt, but if mom and Ms. Linda and Doctor Kees said it didn’t hurt then it must not hurt. She hoped mom would feel better this time. Last time mom hadn’t felt better at all afterwards. She didn’t want to eat anything and she kept throwing up when she did eat. Even the red Jell-o that was her favorite didn’t make her feel better.

Alison hummed along as a Jose Jose song came on and mom started drawing. It was another plane of some sort.

“Is that one that daddy flies in?” asked Alison.

“Maybe someday,” said mom. Alison started to get sleepy when there was a knock on the door. There was an old man and old lady standing there with another man. They all wore suits and looked serious.

“AHHHHHHAHHHHHH.”

The scream pulled Alison out of sleep and she saw that Wanda was sitting bolt upright in her bed shaking. Alison fumbled for her cane and hobbled over to Wanda.

“Hey. Hey...Wanda...shhh it’s alright,” said Alison softly. She touched the younger woman’s hair and she flinched. Alison debated how hard she wanted to hit something right now. It had been nearly two weeks since Steve had broken everyone out of The Raft and brought them back here to Wakanda. They all looked pretty rough when they got off the plane. Sam winced a bit when she had hugged him due to his bruised ribs from the fight. Lang slept for nearly a whole day and then devoured food like it was going to be illegal.  Clint had made a brief call to his wife and hadn’t spoken to anyone for nearly three days afterward. David seemed to be doing alright, but he seemed to be closed off too. Wanda though seemed to become a shell of herself.

Sam had told her after they had been taken in Wanda had been drugged around the clock. A shot in the morning and a shot in the evening. She was awake, but no one was home during those days. They had put her in a straight jacket and bound her hands so there was no risk of her using her powers. They had been beyond cruel to her and now the nightmares.

“They broke my hands,” whispered Wanda one night after she had woken all of them up with her screaming and crying. Alison started sharing a room with Wanda and it seemed be helping. She had only woke up twice with week screaming and it was Wednesday morning.

“Wanda. It’s alright. No one’s going to hurt you here. We’re not going to let anyone hurt you,” said Alison softly. Wanda rubbed her face and flexed her fingers.

“I keep hearing them talk about how they should just cut off my hands and be done with me. I wouldn’t be anything without my powers. I thought I had heard all the cruel things people could say when I was with Hydra. Those were supposed to be people on our side and yet…” said Wanda and Alison rubbed her back.

“Being a terrible person isn’t limited to a group of people. I wish it was, it would make it easier to know who was going to hurt you. Just know that we would never hurt you and I’m sorry that they hurt you and that...I should have helped Steve figure out a plan sooner to get you all out. I didn’t think they would mistreat anyone so badly,” said Alison.  Wanda looked at her and gave her a small and sad smile.

“He needed you for other things and you had your own issues to handle. You aren’t Wonder Woman,” said Wanda looking at Alison’s leg. It was free of the cast, but walking was still a bit of pain. They had done the best they could here, but the lag in getting to treatment was showing. She limped a bit and Alison wondered how long it would take to heal and walk normally. The scars on this leg seemed to be even worse in appearance compared to the others.

“We all have a lot of stuff to work through. I got stuck in my head and I wish I could have been more help sooner,” said Alison.

“This is helping a bit,” said Wanda. She flexed her fingers and a small red ball danced on her fingertips. “I know you’ve been worried about all of us. I know you try to keep it quiet in your head, but it’s who you are,” said Wanda. The red ball turned into two and they skipped across her hands.

“You would have been a hell of a piano player,” said Alison and it coaxed a small laugh out of Wanda.

“My mother had me in piano lessons for two years. I was a terrible student,” said Wanda. _Mom,_ thought Alison and Wanda made the balls of light disappear and she studied Alison’s face.

“You know other people can keep secrets if you ask them too,” said Wanda. Alison sighed and wondered if Wanda would understand better than Sam about this. Afterall his mother was still alive.

“I’ve been dreaming about my mom...well it’s more like things I had forgotten about from when I was younger. I was four or five when she passed and trying to remember her has been hard. Her family was never around and my grandpa never really wanted to seem to talk about her or my father so I just didn’t bring it up. I think it just made him too sad to have a conversation about them. I don’t know why I’m dreaming or remembering things about her now. Something is stuck in my head and I don’t know if I really wanna remember it,” admitted Alison.

“My mother was a baker and she always smelled like sugar and I loved watching her in the kitchen. When I was finally out being in a kitchen was like being close to her again. What do you remember about your mother?” asked Wanda.

“She was teaching me Spanish when she died. We lived in Texas and we would get radio stations that played all Spanish music. We listened to the radio all the time and she liked talking about the shows she had seen and ones we would go see when she got better. When she didn’t feel well I would sing her Selena songs that she had taught me. She would just smile and tell me I was smartest girl in the world. I guess I wonder what she would think of me now,” said Alison.

“That she raised the smartest and kindest woman I know,” said Wanda. Alison felt her face get red and Wanda hugged her. “You didn’t have to pick either side. You could have walked away and pretended everything was fine. But you did pick a side and well...we need someone like you. We’re all fighters, but you know how to help heal people through anything. You care more than most people will ever understand and we need someone who cares about us. Not a lot of people do care about us anymore,” said Wanda sadly. Alison hugged her back and there was a soft tap on the door.

“Everything alright?” asked Clint through the door. It was the first time he had asked in nearly a week. He sounded worried and Alison knew he was trying to reach out to the team again. They needed each other and they needed to heal. _You can help them...you aren’t perfect at this, but it’s a start,_ thought Alison.

“I don’t think it’s the amount of people who care. It’s the amount of care from a person. Why don’t you go for a walk with Clint. I think it would help you both” said Alison. Wanda nodded and went to get dressed. Alison got up and opened the door to a worried looking Clint. He looked runned down and he hadn’t shaved in nearly two weeks. _It’s hard for everyone here, just different types of hard,_ thought Alison.

“Is the kid alright?” he asked.

“She’s getting there. She wants to go for a walk...I’m not the best walking buddy right now,” said Alison nodding to the cane. “Could you go with her?” asked Alison. Clint shifted nervously when Wanda came back out. She looked so damn young and Clint sighed deeply.

“Come on kid, let’s go outside for bit,” said Clint. Wanda nodded and both of them headed down the hall. _It’s a start._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

Alison took a shower and dressed in a pair of blue scrubs. It was oddly comforting to be wearing scrubs again. It was like a piece of her past had come back to help her. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and noticed that most of the green had washed out. _She was right, it did look cute. I miss you guys so much._ According to what Alison had read Jenny had been laid to rest in her hometown back in Ohio. Shawn had been laid to rest with his grandfather in Perth. They had started already created a scholarship in Jenny’s name and Shawn’s family had talked about wanting to start a foundation in his name. Alison wish she could have been there to see them one last time. She wondered if Jenny or Shawn really got the services they wanted. Jenny said she wanted a dance party at her wake and Shawn wanted everyone at his service to have a shot of scotch and he wanted the bottle buried with him. Someday she would go and pay them the respect they deserved. Right now she had work to do. Alison grabbed her cane and went down to check on Bucky.

It was part of her morning routine to see if there had been any issues or changes in Bucky’s brain waves during the night. The night nurses and techs smiled at her and had started making sure a report was ready for her. They jokingly called her ‘Doctor’ and Alison joked back she didn’t have to ego to be a doctor. It felt like another part of her past was coming back to help her now. The playful banter in between the serious work was a part of her life when she had been in the E.R. It calmed her nerves and helped her focus on tasks at hand. She looked over reports for the slightly sign of anything amiss. A raised heart rate, a spike in brain activity, changes in breathing...anything. So far everything seemed normal and Alison let out a breath she always held during these readings. She looked over at Bucky who looked asleep, but it wasn’t the restful sleep she had seen him in and thought, _Good morning Sergeant. I hope you’re sleeping alright._  

She would greet the staff that watched over him in the mornings and go down to see how his arm was coming along. Wakanda was beyond advanced in their technology and Alison was always stunned to see how fast the work was coming along. They were going to use Vibranium for his arm. It would be even lighter than before. Bucky would have adjust to the difference in weight, but that could be addressed when he was woken up with physical therapy.

She had seen Scott down here a few days ago looking like a kid in a candy store. He was asking questions and the other engineers were happy to have someone else to bounce ideas off of. Alison could answer questions about how the arm should perform and what had been done in the past. She was out of depth here though, but it was still amazing to see everything being built and wondering how the world would react if they knew what was going on here.

She would then go and have breakfast with whoever was finally up. Mostly just Steve, Sam and David. Scott had started joining them though and Alison found herself warming up to the high tech Robin Hood. Wanda had to coaxed into eating and Clint prefered being alone. Today though everyone was eating together and seemed to be alright for the most part considering what they had gone through and what they now all knew.

Steve had told them what had happened between him and Tony and how Bucky had been used to kill Tony’s parents after they had come back from The Raft. Reactions were varied, but they all deserved to know what happened.

Scott had been stunned to find out everything that had been done to Bucky over the years once Alison had filled him in and felt that Bucky had already paid his debt tenfold already. Wanda had been silent and lost in her head at the time so she said nothing. Clint said he knew what it was like be brainwashed and responsible for the death of friend. He didn’t blame Bucky or Steve for where they were. He was pissed at Tony though and it showed when Alison had to explain her broken leg.

David was pissed at everything at the time. He said he understood why she had kept her mouth shut, but Steve should have told Tony ages ago. If Tony had known maybe the mess they were in right now might not be so shitty. Maybe they could have worked out a deal if Tony had really understood how messed up Bucky was. David said the only consolation he got was that the bastard who murdered their friends was in a locked box before he stormed off.

Sam seemed resigned to what had happened. He blamed himself a bit for telling Tony where they could be found. Tony had come to him after they had been locked up and said he believed their story about the fake doctor and that he wanted to help them now. He told Tony to go alone and as a friend. Maybe if someone else had gone with Tony it might have helped them. They explained that they only person who might have helped them with Tony was Natasha and she had helped them at the airport. She wasn’t at The Raft and according to T’Challa she was still in the wind. _Good for her,_ thought Alison.

Alison wasn’t sure how she felt about Natasha right now and trying to figure it out with her here would be a nightmare. She couldn’t blame Natasha for keeping a secret about Bucky without turning around and blaming herself or Steve for keeping secrets about him. She had been the one to encourage their relationship and supported it. Alison now had questions about why she had done it. Had she felt bad for what had happened between them all those years ago and wanted to make it right or was Natasha trying to build a buffer between her and Bucky? Alison didn’t think so, but sometimes that nagging hateful voice in her head spoke up. _She’s much prettier than you, especially now. She’s better than you in so many ways and she could have any man she wants. If she wants Bucky you don’t stand a chance._ It was petty and Alison hated it beyond words. She touched the tags and ring Bucky had given her and it did ease some of the stress in her head.

Alison sat down at the table and helped herself to some bacon, eggs and toast. Sam looked her over and shook his head.

“No pink puppy scrubs. I’m disappointed in the clothing department here,” said Sam and he took in the cane and sighed. “Now you need a add a big old diamond on the head of that thing and maybe some wrap around gold to really make it pop,” said Sam.

“I know a guy who can get you a big diamond. Make the Hope Diamond look weak,” said Scott.

“Nah. I think I want a emerald. I wanted it shaped like a dragon’s head just to be a super badass,” said Alison.

“No...you need a sword cane. Something to really freak people out,” said Wanda with a wink  Clint rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee.

“Amateurs. All of you. I knew a lady that turned her walker in an AR-15. That was badass,” said Clint. There was actual laughter coming from most of them. It was hard earned and badly needed. David sighed and sat his cup down

“I know I’m going to sound like a killjoy, but we need to figure out where we go from here. I know we needed to come back here and lick our wounds for a bit, but we all seem to be doing a bit better now,” said David nodding at her cast free leg. “I mean this has been one of the best places I have ever had to lay low at, but...do we really belong here? We could be putting the people here at risk,” said David.

“Where do you think we should go?” asked Steve. He looked tired and he was starting to grow a beard. Alison hadn’t seen his uniform since they gotten here and of course the shield had been left behind. They still called him Cap, but did he see himself that way anymore.

“It’s not like we’re wanted international fugitives or anything,” said Sam.

“I might have some leads on some old SHIELD bases that were discontinued back in 50’s. A couple of safe houses back in the States and Canada. They’ll need some fixing up, but no one would know where to look for us. People already think we’re here. How long before they send someone to get us?” asked David.

He was right and Alison twisted her tags. The media thought it was odd that T’Challa just knew where to find the bomber and there were talks that the UN wanted to come to Wakanda for a ‘meeting’. T’Challa was already taking a huge risk by agreeing to keep Bucky here. How long could he keep risking his country and his throne for them?

“I might know some people who can help us out in California. They’re probably pissed at me for going AWOL, but he might help us just to spite the Stark,” said Scott. Steve looked at Sam and he shrugged.

“I got nothing. I’m fine staying here until things have blown over a bit more. Our trail is still sort of hot. Moving now might not be the best,” said Sam.

“I might have some leads on some other safe houses. Europe and Latin American mostly. However they know at least three of us are former members of SHIELD and might be covering those places waiting for us to go in. While I’m not a fan of sitting on my ass, here might be the best bet for us now,” said Clint.

“I know of some old Hydra bases...but I can’t go back to those places. Maybe staying here is our best play for the time,” said Wanda. Steve looked at Alison even though he already knew her answer.

“Until they can figure out how to deprogram Bucky I’m staying here,” said Alison. Sam took her hand under the table and squeezed it. She had told him almost everything she and Bucky had talked about. He teased her a bit about how she was now engaged to be engaged to a man old enough to be her granddad. He also told her that if Bucky did really make her happy he would be behind her no matter what. David shook his head and looked resigned.

“Well no sense in splitting the team up again. If we’re going to play the waiting game we might as well do it together,” said David.

“How is that going anyway?” asked Clint. “I just needed a hard slam to my head to knock it off when I was brainwashed I’m guessing you tried that,” said Clint with a small smile.

“Only once. Maybe it needs a few more tries,” said Sam. Alison gave him a quick nudge to the side before she turned serious.

“Well there are maybe two options on the table as of yesterday. One is the mind reframing tech I worked on a bit one with Tony. However I don’t know all the in’s and out’s plus it costs a lot of money to recreate. Like a lot a lot and I don’t know if we can ask that of T’Challa,” admitted Alison.

“What’s option number two?” asked Steve. He sounded calm, but Alison knew he wanted Bucky back just as much as she did. She had been keeping him in the loop and knew he looked in on Bucky’s in the evenings. Alison wondered if this is how Sam and everyone else had felt waiting for her to come out of a coma. _Well you been in a two coma’s maybe you should ask Sam which one sucked more._

“Well it’s even more of a long shot. I’ve been looking through all those old SHIELD files that Natasha let out into the wild. I’m still piecing one file together that made mention of something that altered memories of trauma victims. It was part of something called it Operation Tahiti. It’s a big file and it’s all over the place and it’s encrypted to boot,” said Alison.

“I wouldn’t waste your time,” said David. “Operation Tahiti was a huge let down. I knew a few of doctors working on it and they said the altering process wasn’t effective and subjects suffered from mental breakdowns if it didn’t work,” said David. Wanda raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Alison wondered what that was about before Clint spoke up.

“Sounds like something SHIELD would try for shits and giggles,” said Clint. “If they closed the project down due to bad results than David is right. Don’t waste your time,”said Clint.

“There isn’t a rush order on this. I’m sure you and all those brains around here will figure out something,” said Sam. Alison nodded and tried to shove the feeling of defeat down. Maybe she would keep digging. There was tech here that SHIELD might not have and maybe they could fix the glitch. _How long will it take though and what if doesn’t work long and hurts him?_

“I have an idea,” said Wanda.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


The war was over and now he could just be a normal guy. Or at least try to be normal after seeing all the things he had seen. He had gone out with Steve and Peggy and it was odd to the be third wheel on a date. _I wonder if Steve felt this way before the war,_ thought Bucky. He watched Peggy wince a bit has Steve stepped on her foot for the countless time. Bucky sipped his whiskey and debated sneaking out when he felt a tap on his shoulder.  

It was a woman in a pretty purple dress with her brown hair pulled back in a bun. She gave him a nervous smile and her green eyes flashed with a bit of embarrassment.

“Would it be alright if I sat here? All the other tables are full or the people left watching the stuff say they’re full,” she joked.

“Um yeah sure,” said Bucky and her nervousness seem to fade has she sat down.

“Thank you. The guys in the band said they would save me a table, but I got off work late and had to change and...I’m such a dork. My name is Alison,” She held out her hand and something about touching it seemed oddly familiar to him.

“You know the band?” asked Bucky and she nodded.

“My grandfather is on drums,” said Alison. He looked and there was a guy that looked about his age playing softly on the drums.

“That can’t be your grandfather he…” Bucky stopped and looked at his hands. They were his hands, they way they had been before he had fallen off the train. He looked at the drummer again and recalled Alison showing him photos of her grandfather when he was younger. He was dreaming again, only this time Bucky knew he couldn’t wake up. He was in cryo and there would be no waking up unless something went wrong or Alison and the others figured out how to fix him. Bucky couldn’t remember dreaming in cryo before. Than again he had always been wiped before going under so maybe that was why he was dreaming now and aware that he was dreaming.

“I glad that you’re trying to have a good dream,” said Alison. A waiter sat down a drink for her. She looked at Steve and Peggy and grinned a bit. “She’s pretty. The pictures I saw of her didn’t do her justice. She really passed you up?” asked Alison.

“She met Steve and that was all she wrote,” said Bucky. The whiskey still tasted like a whiskey so Bucky kept drinking. “I wish you could have met her. I think it would have stunned her to know I finally found someone who wasn’t a passing interest or a roll in sack,”  said Bucky. He took her hand with his left hand and weaved his fingers through her hand.

“I wish I would have fallen in love with you from the start. I was a real asshole to you at the start,” said Bucky.

“You were angry and scared about everything. I never thought you were being an asshole,” said Alison. “I was sort of annoying...I did talk a lot,” said Alison and Bucky shook his head.

“I missed talking to you when I left. I wanted to call you so much sometimes just to hear the real thing and not what I remembered,” said Bucky. “Than again I know you’re just something I’m remembering right now,” said Bucky and her laughter was how he remembered it. Good. He wanted to remember that.

“Come on. This is supposed to be a good dream. Dance with me,” said Alison. She stood up and Bucky let her take him out to the dance floor. She pulled him close and Bucky closed his eyes and tried to forget that this was only a dream. _I wish this was real._ She smelled like he remembered her smelling, plums and clean clothes. He recalled how the dress felt cool and slick under his hand. When he did finally kiss her she tasted like he remembered from that night they did go dancing.

“This is my dream right?” asked Bucky trailing his hands down her back. It felt odd to have two normal hands on her, but this was his dream and this is what he wanted.

“Yes,” said Alison pulling him closer to her. They fit so damn well together and it had so damn long. Bucky bent down and kissed hard on the mouth. Alison moaned a bit and kissed him back just as hard as she pulled them off the dance floor. Bucky went to pick her up when he sudden felt too hot and the music faded to be replaced with voices and beeping.

“James...James. It’s time to wake up,” whispered Alison.

Bucky opened his eyes slightly and everything was sort of hazy. He could sort of make out fuzzy shapes. One dressed all in blue and the other was just a blob. He was laying on something warm and too soft with a blanket that felt too heavy and also warm. The room smelt clean and sterile. Was he still dreaming and where was this going to lead?

“I think he’s really waking up now,: The voice was male and it sounded tired and hopeful.  Bucky felt the weight shift on his bed as someone sat down next to him. He felt one cool hand touch his forehead and brush back his hair while another hand took his. Bucky hadn’t been sure about the voice, but he knew the second her hand took his that it was Alison sitting next him and trying to wake him up. If she was here it must have been Steve talking. Bucky opened his eyes a little wider and winced a bit at how bright everything was.

“Can you dim the lights please?” asked Alison and someone, Bucky guessed it was Steve, turned them down. Bucky opened his eyes again and he had to blink several times before things came into focus. Alison was sitting on his bed with her hair pulled back and wearing blue scrubs. Steve leaned against the wall with a slight grin on his face.

“Morning Sargeant...well early evening,” said Alison. She brushed his hair back and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Bucky went to say something and his mouth felt dry and his throat hurt. He had almost forgotten how rough coming out of cryo was and now it was smacking him upside the head. Steve handed Alison a glass of water while Alison helped him into a sitting position so he could take small sips of the water.

“How long was I under?’ asked Bucky hoarsely.

“Almost three weeks,” said Steve.

“We took you out yesterday, but we wanted to wake you up slowly just in case. It looks like your body temp is back to normal and most of your vitals look alright. How do you feel?” asked Alison. She was in nurse mode right now and if they had taken him out something either went wrong or they had figured something out and wanted to test it. Bucky sat up a little straighter and sipped more water to clear his throat.

“Kind of groggy. Stiff. Can we turn the heat down a bit?” asked Bucky. Alison reached over and grabbed a little tablet and after a few taps the bed and blanket seemed to cool down.

“We had you on a warming bed with a warming blanket trying to get your temp back to normal. Are you hungry or do you want to wait a bit to eat?” asked Alison.

“Not really hungry yet. Give me an hour and I’ll devour anything you put in front of me. Did something go wrong?” asked Bucky. If it had gone wrong he knew there would be no way in hell Alison and Steve would let him go back under. They both looked tired and he had feeling neither one of them had left his side since he had pulled out. God if it had gone wrong and they hadn’t figure out how to fix his brain, Bucky didn’t know what to do. Alison squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile.

“No. Everything was fine the whole time,” said Alison.

“She checked every morning just to be sure,” said Steve teasingly. Alison rolled her eyes at Steve before turning back to him.

“We think we might have figured something out to get the trigger words out of your head,” said Alison and she sounded a bit nervous about it. “Me and the team here talked it over for about a week...we really can’t test it out, but she’s says it will be fine and…” Bucky cut her off.

“She?” asked Bucky.

“Wanda thinks she can pull the trigger words out of your mind,” said Steve. He also sounded a bit worried as Alison took over.

“She’s used her powers in the past to bring out people’s worst fear or darkest memories. She knows how to get into people’s heads...she did with me...I was in my grandfather’s mind before he passed. I spoke to him or well his subconscious. So I know she can do that and well others can speak for the other abilities. She’s just never done this though,” said Alison.

“So you did spring them from the clink? I wish I could have seen it,” said Bucky trying to joke for a second. Alison hadn’t let go of his hand yet and while she sounded a bit calmer she also seemed nervous about doing this.

“You’re worried it won’t work and either she’ll get hurt or I’ll get hurt,” said Bucky.

“A little bit yes,” admitted Alison. “We won’t know unless we try and she says she wants to try and well she’s is over eighteen, they are her powers and she knows them better than anyone. We’ve spent the last week talking to her and asking her to really think it over and nothing has changed her mind. However the final choice is really up to you,” said Alison.

“Can I talk to her? Alone?” asked Bucky.

“I’ll go get her,” said Steve. He left the room and Bucky knew it was to give him and Alison a moment to really talk.

“Do you want to try this out?” asked Bucky holding her hand tightly in his.

“It’s not up to me,” said Alison and he gave her look. “I’m worried that if it doesn’t work she’ll blame herself and if anyone of us gets hurt she’ll blame herself and you’ll have to go to back and we’ll start all over again,” said Alison.

“What did you mean by anyone of us?” asked Bucky.

“She’ll need to go into your mind and dig around. In order to keep you safe while she does it she’s going to link our minds. I’m going to talk to your subconscious while she’s working. A team and Steve are going to be watching us the whole time to make sure we’re all alright while we work,” said Alison.

“I take it the last week was also spent making sure you want to do this too and trying to talk you out of it?” asked Bucky.

“Just a bit. I made my choice though and well Wanda has already taken my mind into someone’s else and it was fine. So this could work and we won’t know unless we try,” said Alison.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” said Bucky.

“I know,” said Alison plainly. Wanda came into the room and Alison grabbed a cane that had been by the bed and used it to help herself stand up. “Whatever you decide to do, I’ll understand,” said Alison. She walked out with the aid of the cane and Bucky shook his head has she limped. Wanda took a seat in the chair and studied him.

“I’m not going to change my mind so if you plan on taking that tact with me it’s a waste of time,” said Wanda.

“I want to why more than anything,” said Bucky.

“Because despite everything in world you two found each other and despite everything that has happened between you two...you still love each other. It’s the loudest thought in her head whenever she sees you and it’s loudest thought in your head when you see here. I thought there was someone who thought that way about me...maybe he did and didn’t know it. I didn’t know my thoughts until it was too late. You both know your thoughts, it’s just a matter of it not just being thoughts anymore,” said Wanda.

“How loud are those thoughts?” asked Bucky. He knew the kid would get flashes of other people’s thoughts of they were loud enough. Bucky had tried very hard after finding that out to keep his thoughts quiet and Wanda gave him a shy smile.

“I’m sure I could hear her thoughts for you in another country...I think I could hear your thoughts for her about two countries away. You love her...you would die for her...you would do anything for her without a thought and she feels the same for you. I don’t think anything would ever change that between you two. She misses you though and it like a low hum in all her thoughts now,” said Wanda.

“If this doesn’t work will you two be alright?” asked Bucky.

“We should be. She’s already told me all the trigger words she found in that book and I know what I’m looking for. She’ll be there to keep you calm while I’m working. We won’t know unless we try,” said Wanda.

“My head is a real mess kid. I know you’ve had your fair share of Hydra treatment so you sort of know what they did to me and well it’s no secret what I was before. Some of that stuff is something I wouldn’t wish anyone to see. Telling people is one thing...having you both in my mind to see it,” said Bucky and he shuddered a bit to think about it.

“I’ve seen some things that I wouldn’t wish on anyone either and I used it to hurt people. If you want I could try to dim those memories for you,” said Wanda.

“No. Those memories are mine and I need to remember them. They spent years making me forget things and even though they hurt me I need them. Thanks for the offer though,” said Bucky.

“So you’ll let me try?” asked Wanda.

“It’s worth a try. If it doesn’t work though or my head gets to be too much for you I’ll understand and they won’t be any hard feelings from me,” said Bucky. He held out his hand and Wanda shook it. She gave him a small smile and stood up.

“I’ll let them know. Thank you for giving me a chance to help you. I know what it’s like to try and start over and have it not work right. You deserve a real chance to start over,,” said Wanda. She left the room and Bucky settled into the bed and wondered if Wanda and whoever she hadn’t known her thoughts for would ever get that second chance. _I hope you do kid. It’s hard, but it’s worth it._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Bucky had dinner with the whole team and even Prince T’Challa joined them.It was a bit awkward at first. The others really hadn’t seen T’Challa since coming here. Steve explained that T’Challa had been keeping press and the UN out of the country. Plus there had been an official period of mourning and T’Challa officially taking the throne was still in progress.

“I hope the doctors are helping your recovery Ms. Conley,” said T’Challa. Bucky eyed the cane leaning by Alison. It reminded him a bit of the canes he had seen kids with polio have back in before the war. It attached to her arm and had a grip she could hold onto She limped a bit, but at least her leg was free of the cast. He knew she got some of the healing factor from the serum, but he wondered about it’s limits. They could get hurt and they could heal quickly, but they could still scar and well he hadn’t been able to grow a new arm.

“The therapy has been very helpful. I’m supposed to start trying to walk without the cane in a few days. I looked over some of the textbooks your doctors have learned from and they’re more advanced than the ones I’ve seen back home,” said Alison.

“There have been advantages and disadvantages from our self imposed isolation over the years. Our ability to advance our technology and medicine has been an advantage, however our ability to form new relationships in the world is a hurdle. We’ve seen what can happen when our gifts fall into the wrong hands,” said T’Challa.

“The vibranium,” said Wanda and T’Challa nodded.

“It has been a blessing and a curse at times. We traded a small amount to the US Government during World War Two so we wouldn’t be bothered to provide more. It did go for a good cause,” said T’Challa nodding at Steve. “Recently though we’ve had trouble with a group of radicals stealing from our mines and trading with a smuggler. I believe you had dealings with him Captain,” said T’Challa.

“Klaue. Unfortunately he got away,” said Steve. Wanda shifted in her seat and took a huge pull from her wine glass. Barton patted her arm and kept on eating.

“Don’t worry. We have people on him. In fact I hope catching him and turning him over to the UN will help some other things fall to the wayside,” said T’Challa.

“You mean us,” said David.

“Along with some other things that I would like them to drop. The world has a short attention span. Last week you were the main focus of the news, now there is talk about SHIELD returning. There is also an Inhuman that knocked out a bridge last week after robbing a bank and the possible return of Hank Pym to the company he once started. In a few weeks I believe the world might lose focus on all of you,” said T’Challa.

“We can only hope,” said Alison. She found Bucky’s hand under the table and squeezed it. Bucky hoped that would be the case, but he doubted it. The best they could hope for was not getting caught again.

After dinner, Steve took him down to the lab where they were working on his arm while Alison went to have her nightly physical therapy session.

“We’re still working on some of the components, but once they’re finished the process shouldn’t take that long,” said a young male tech. Bucky studied the arm and wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel. His old arm had help him murder so many people, yet it felt like he was losing an old friend of sorts.

“It’s more than what I expected. Thank you,” said Bucky. The young man and went back to his work.

“Let’s go outside and get you some fresh air,” said Steve.

“Wouldn’t say no to it,” said Bucky and they headed upstairs and outside into a small garden area. The night was sort of warm and it smelled like it was going to rain. He couldn’t place all the animals or noises he was hearing, but at least there was sound. He looked up at the stars and frowned a bit. The constellations were off compared to Bucky was used to seeing them when he was kid.

“So how have you been?” asked Bucky easing himself into a chair.

“Not sure really. Everything has sort of become a waiting game. Everyone needed time to recover after getting out. Not really sure if staying here after everyone is fully recovered is our best move or if we should try to go out into the world. Staying here does keep us safe, but it puts everyone here at risk. However I think this is the longest time I haven’t done anything since coming back...it’s making me buggy though,” admitted Steve.

“A little R&R would drive you nuts,” said Bucky trying to joke and Steve did try to smile.

“They agreed to help me and now I have to figure out how to lead them. I just don’t know where and to what. We could still do some good in the world. I’m not sure if the world wants it though. According the world we’re a bunch of traitors and terrorists...they all joke about it, but I can tell it really cuts them sometimes. I don’t regret what I did and I don’t think they do either, it’s just trying to take the next step into the dark,” said Steve.

Bucky looked up at the night sky and thought. Would they ever do enough to make everything right? He had wanted so badly to make up for the things he had done, but would it ever be enough. Would the world ever see him as Bucky Barnes again? Steve had saved the world countless times and yet it still wasn’t enough for some people. Honestly he would be fine just disappearing into the world and being a ghost again. Maybe he could talk Alison into slipping away and they could set up in a little village somewhere...maybe Italy. Maybe he could give her that little house by the sea and...no. He knew her and she wouldn’t want to leave the others behind. She wouldn’t want to give up on the world just yet. There was also Steve to think about. He knew Steve wasn’t ready to give up on the world yet either. _Till the end of the line._

“Well we can always try and see what happens. I think some of us have already gone through the worst and we’re still here. I’m still ready to follow that skinny punk from Brooklyn,” said Bucky. Steve smiled at him and looked up at sky.

“That means more to me than you will ever know,” said Steve.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


“Just a few more steps,” coaxed Sam and the therapist gave him a look. Alison tried not to laugh as she took a few more steps forward. It felt like pins going into her knee, but she managed to take a few steps without her cane or limping. Alison was sure she would be able to walk without the cane or limping with enough time and treatment. She was sure the pain would also dull with time. Steve said he hadn’t broken anything in years and Bucky wasn’t sure how many times he had broken a bone and how long it took to recover. This was just another part of her study into how the serum worked on her.

She healed quicker than before, the last time she had broken her leg it had taken nearly ten weeks to heal. Walking had been hard for weeks after that. It was three weeks later and the break had healed and she was up walking. The pain before had nearly driven her to tears, now it was manageable for the most part.

“You want me to hit him for you?” asked Alison and the therapist shrugged.

“I’m not opposed to alternative medicine,” said the therapist. He helped her sit down and had her bend her knee while Sam watched. Alison could tell he was upset. He had been upset ever since he found out how things had gone down with Tony. He had told Tony where they were in the hope he would help them. Instead it almost proved their undoing. Sam handed her a bag of ice once the session was done and sat down on the floor with her.

“You sure about tomorrow?” asked Sam.

“As sure as I’ve been about everything else in the last year,” said Alison putting the ice on her knee and sighed with relief.

“You know it was probably a good thing I was locked in a super max floating jail or else I was going to have my ass soundly kicked by my aunt, my cousin and maybe her wife about getting you mixed up in all this. I did promise them you wouldn’t be apart of any superhero nonsense after all. I really thought…” Alison gave Sam a nudge before speaking.

“I had an out...more than one and I didn’t take them. I will admit that this ride at times has been beyond insane, but it’s where I’m supposed to be,” Alison reached over and took his hand. “Plus you now have the bonus of me being such a rookie you look a hundred times cooler when you save the world,” said Alison. She got a small laugh out of Sam.

“I do look awesome now don’t I? I mean I already did look pretty cool, but yeah compared to you I look super awesome,” said Sam. He squeezed her hand and Alison leaned on his shoulder.

“You’re my best friend and if you’re going to be an international terrorist I should have your back,” said Alison.

“Can’t think of anyone else I would like to be wanted with,” said Sam. He helped her up and they headed back to their rooms.

“You know if we ever do get back to a whatever normal life we’re allowed to have, I’m calling dibs on being your Maid of Honor,” teased Sam and Alison rolled her eyes.

“I’m eloping,” said Alison.

“Nope. I’m not having it. You’re having a wedding with all the fixings. We’ll get some doves and release them at sunset once you and your old man say I do,” said Sam.

“I swear to god I will turn you in,” said Alison.  She went into her room and shut the door as Sam started in on how pink everything should be. Bucky looked up from the book he was reading on her bed.

“Hey,” said Bucky.

“Hi,” said Alison. She slipped out of her shoes and settled in next to Bucky. Wanda told her that she would stay in Clint’s room so they could have some privacy. They had spent most of today making sure he had been alright coming out of cryo. They really hadn’t had a moment to sit since he had woke up. Bucky reached over and took her hair out the ponytail. Alison smiled a bit has he did it. He liked taking her hair down once she was done for the day and they could relax. It was a simple gesture, but it was one she had missed while he had been gone.

“You looked tired. Did you sleep at all while waiting to for me to wake up?” said Bucky sounded a bit worried.

“I think Steve and I took mini naps. We wanted to be there when you woke up,” said Alison. Bucky toyed with the hair that was still a bit green and looked at her.

“Did you really check on me every day?” asked Bucky.

“Had to make sure everything up there was going alright,” said Alison and she tapped his forehead. “I let Steve have the night shift.”

“Didn’t have any bad dreams for a change. You?” asked Bucky.

“A few,” admitted Alison. _I see Tony shooting you in the head and I watch has he and Steve kill each other. I wasn’t able to stop it. I see Jenny and Shawn dying and I can hear them asking me for help. I see Sam getting killed during the fight at the airport. At least I don’t scream myself awake anymore. I don’t know if the dreams about mom count as bad dreams._

Bucky was studying her and she wasn’t sure what he was looking for. He rubbed her face with the back of his hand and gave her a sad little smile.

“I should have known you would still worry about me even when I’m not causing trouble. I hope I wasn’t in all your bad dreams,” said Bucky. He kissed her forehead and there was a little twist of desire. She had pushed it down for months and now she wasn’t sure she wanted too anymore.

“No you weren’t,” said Alison. She scooted a little closer and kissed him slowly on the mouth. Bucky hesitated before kissing her back and Alison eased away. “Is something wrong?” He flushes and she sees his gaze go down to where his arm should be.

“You know at times I hated the thought of having to touch you with my left hand. I killed so many people with that hand. Right now I wish I could have both hands on you. I missed you,” said Bucky. His eyes are so dark that Alison is wondering if she made a mistake trying to start anything like that between them when he leans forward and kisses hard. His right hand is on her thigh and his grip is almost painful.

Bucky moves from kissing her mouth to kissing her face and neck while muttering about how much he missed her.

“I would wake up and sometimes I could swear I could feel you next to me. Did that ever happen to you?” asked Bucky.

His mouth is back on hers before she can answer yes. That sometimes she would swear she could feel his metal fingers on her back, only to turn around and find he wasn’t there. Alison felt his hand move from her thigh to rub between her legs and she whimpers into his mouth.

“I was dreaming about this when you woke me up. I had my hands all over you. I was ready to fuck you on a table I wanted you so bad. I missed feeling so close to you. You were so damn good to me. You made me feel so good, and safe and you loved me. Did you feel that way with me?” asked Bucky.

“Yes. I felt it the first time you stayed the night with me. You held me all night,” whispered Alison. She helps Bucky out of his shirt before easing out of her own. He gives her bra a look before Alison takes it off.

Bucky’s eyes are still dark, but there is relief and longing in them. They settle next to each other and Bucky manages to be on his left side without too much trouble and the wall to support his back. Bucky cups one of breasts in his right hand, his thumb rubbing against her slightly dark nipple while his tongue licks the other nipple. It’s slow and ruthless how he’s taking her now.

“It’s different for you now isn’t it?” asked Bucky before placing a kiss on her side. “The serum...it makes it different. Everything feels more intense now. I’ve gotten used it over the years. You...you’re still adjusting to it all,” said Bucky kissing her on the mouth again.  

Alison isn’t sure how soundproof the rooms are. She knows they can hear Wanda screaming when she wakes up, but she isn’t sure they would hear her moan. She wonders how long she can keep quiet or if Bucky can stay quiet once she gets her hands on him.

“James….James….yes. Oh damn it,” whined Alison as he nipped at her at side a bit harder than she expected.

“Take off the rest. Let me look at you,” said Bucky. Swallowing hard Alison pulled her pants and underwear off and tossed them on the floor. Bucky’s eyes widen and then narrow has he takes in the scars. His hand traces the fine line of the scar from her ear to her chin. He runs his hand down her arm feeling the different lengths of crisscrossing scars to her body and the scar she got when her appendix was taken out before tracing the line where her spleen had been removed. The ones on her legs have finally healed, but she isn’t sure they fade like the others. They crisscross and have varying length like the ones on her arms, but some of the cuts were deeper hence why she isn’t sure they ever fade. Bucky’s fingers run over the scars and he kisses her again.

“You’re so beautiful,” whispers Bucky has his fingers trail up her leg and start stroking her thigh. Alison parts her legs and Bucky slides his two fingers inside her while sliding his tongue into her mouth to stifle both their moans.

“I think you’re a bit overdressed,” said Alison going to reach for his pants. Bucky eased the two fingers out of her before quickly thrusting them back in and making Alison shake a bit and gasp.

“Just wait,” said Bucky softly and he eased his fingers out of her. He pushed himself into a seated position, parted his legs and leaned against the wall. “You used to touch me all the time like this. Let me touch you,” said Bucky. Alison put her back against Bucky’s chest and lets her head rest on his shoulder. Bucky slowly slides his fingers back inside her while he circles her clit with his thumb. He keeps kissing any part of her he can while thrusting his fingers in and out of her. When the climax hits her Alison doesn’t care if they hear her or not as she moans for him.

“Do you want to keep doing this or do you want me?” asked Bucky biting down on her shoulder while pressing his thumb hard against her clit.

“You...I want you,” said Alison. Bucky presses again on her clit and she twitches against him. He eases his fingers out of her and lays down.

“Do you if I just lay here?” asked Bucky giving her a lazy grin. He looks so much like the man she had seen in Becca’s photos it pulls at her.

“I love you so much,” said Alison. She sounds so serious that the grin fades and he looks worried.

“I love you too Ally...I…” Alison kisses him and works his pants off before they get distracted. Her hands and her mouth roam all over him and he isn’t bothering to keep quiet. His hand tugs on her hair once she starts kissing his inner thigh. Alison looks up and sees that he near the edge. She gives him a minute before getting on top of him  Bucky sighs deeply and grins again once Alison has straddled him and takes him. His fingertips dig hard into her hip as she rides him slowly.

“It’s so good. I’m so close,” whispered Bucky. Alison took his hand in hers and moved faster against him.

“I’m all yours,” said Alison. Bucky pulled her down and moved them so they were on their sides. They moved against each other slowly and when he did come it was with a deep sigh of someone who could finally be at peace.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


“I never did get anything for your birthday,” said Bucky. Alison looked up at him puzzled. “I was going too and then...well you were there,” said Bucky. The puzzled looked faded and she smiled slightly.

“You took me to the movies. I thought that was my gift,” said Alison. She put her head back on his chest and Bucky sighed.

“That was a date, not a gift. I never got to get you a gift,” said Bucky. Alison propped her head up and looked at him.

“I would say it doesn’t matter, but it matters to you so it matters. You wanna share why?” asked Alison.

“I wasted three dollars trying to win a girl a bear and it was just to get her to like me. I never got to do anything like that for you. We didn’t get a lot of time to just be you know...the way you were with that guy you dated last summer. We didn’t get a chance to be…”

“Stupid. We didn’t get to be stupid in love,” said Alison. Bucky rolled the word around in his head. He wasn’t sure it was the right word, but the sentiment might be. They hadn’t really been able to be open at first about their relationship. The getting to know you part of their relationship had been drawn out and beyond painful at times. All their pasts hurts had been laid on the table. There had been misunderstanding and confusion about their feelings. They had gone on a few dates and that giddy feeling would scare him sometimes Even after he knew she loved him there had been a part of brain that didn’t believe it was real.

“Yeah...we never really got to be stupid in love,” agreed Bucky. Alison brushed back some of his hair and he couldn’t read what was going on in her head.

“We got to be a little stupid together. The night we went dancing. When I took you to the music store and we spent almost the whole day looking through old records. When we would walk Bailey together and you looked so damn happy,” said Alison.

“I was happy,” said Bucky.

“If this works...we’ll get some new chances to be stupid together,” said Alison.

“What do you wanna do?” asked Bucky.

“I don’t know. I honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead. Which for me is totally new thing. Old me would of had like the next seven months planned and in calendar ready to go,” said Alison and she smiled at bit. Bucky had to grin a little too. She had a little calendar on her desk that had been marked with due dates for exams, appointments, lunch dates. He had been stunned at first at how far out she planned things. Even when he had been himself he had never thought too far ahead. A week at most, maybe a month and even than it had been haphazard planning.

“Maybe we could have dinner...just us,” suggested Alison and he laughed a bit.

“Real original. Dinner. Anything else in that head of yours?” asked Bucky. Alison sighed and put her head back on his chest.

“I had thought about us going on a road trip,” she sounded a bit wistful when she said. She had talked before about the road trips she had taken with Sam and friends. Trips she had gone on with her grandfather. He had seen pictures of her and Matt laughing as someone took their picture at some tourist trap. Yeah. Old her would have planned a road trip for them.

“Where too?” asked Bucky.

“Maybe to Niagara Falls for the first one. I wanted to show you where I spent my summers as a kid. Maybe we could have done the whole eastern seaboard. New York to Florida,” said Alison.

“In your tiny car?” teased Bucky and she let out a small laugh.

“I would have gotten a car with more leg room for you. It would have been new for both of us. I’ve never done the whole coast before,” said Alison. It was that wistful tone that tugged at him.

“When I was in Bucharest there was this coffee shop that always played that music from the 90’s you liked. I would have liked to have taken you there. There was this open market and I think you would have liked that too,” said Bucky.

“Chicago. The museums. Navy Pier,” said Alison.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing Italy again. I imagine it’s really nice when you aren’t being shot at,” said Bucky and Alison let out a real laugh.

“I know you’re trying to not get your hopes up too high. If this does work and we get all the Hydra stuff out of my head, what do you really wanna do?” asked Bucky. Alison sat up again, put her head on his shoulder and took his hand.

“We can’t just ditch everyone. They put themselves on the line for us and if we get caught...it what make what they did pointless. I will admit the idea of just disappearing sounds amazing,” said Alison and her grip tightened on his hand. “We need to find a way to clear your name and well we’re all in the same boat. Until we can clear our names we’re sort of stuck,” said Alison. He had known she would never leave the others behind, he still needed to hear her say it. She wanted a real fresh start for him and he hoped it was possible. Like her, he didn’t want to get his hopes up to high.

“What do you wanna do after that?” asked Bucky. _A guy can dream._

“You could win me a bear, we could go ride the Cyclone together and then we can see how many elephant ears and hot dogs we can eat,” said Alison. Bucky smiled and kissed her.

“I’ll win you any bear you want,” said Bucky. She gripped his hand hard and looked at him.

“If this works and we get our names cleared I really like the idea of us just going away. We just pack a bag, leave a note and go,” said Alison.

“We can skip the bag and the note,” said Bucky. Alison settled back on his chest and Bucky stroked her hair. “California.”

“I wouldn’t say no to going to Spain again,” said Alison. _Anywhere you want to go sweetheart. Anywhere you want._

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


Alison held his hand as they cuffed his arm and legs down to the table. She had explained they wanted to make sure in case he slipped into the Soldier they were all safe, including him.

“It’s not too tight is it?” asked Alison and he gave her a look.

“Doesn’t really work unless it’s tight,” said Bucky and she gave him a look back.

“I don’t want you losing circulation,” said Alison and she checked the cuff.

“It’s fine. You need to settle in yourself,” said Bucky. Alison squeezed his hand before settling in the bed next to him. She took his hand and let the tech cuff her down to the bed. She didn’t want to risk freaking out. Bucky thought it was silly until he remember that she was almost as strong as he was. If she did freak out she could tear this room apart easily.

“It’s a little too loose on the left,” said Alison and the tech tightened it up. They were each given something to calm their nerves and Bucky had to admit they had some top shelf meds here. He felt oddly calm despite some of the nervousness he felt. Alison yawned and shook her head. Steve came over and patted his arm.

“You ready for this?” asked Steve.

“As ready as I’m going to be. Won’t know unless we try,” said Bucky. Steve squeezed his arm and sat down next to him. A tech finished putting the little electrodes on Alison’s head. Of course she wanted to see what this did to their brainwaves. David was monitoring a little screen and he and Alison were rattling off numbers and stats at each other.

“You really ready?” asked Wanda and she rubbed Alison’s arm.

“Yeah. Are you alright?” asked Alison.

“I’ll be fine. Just relax,” said Wanda. She came over to Bucky and patted his arm. “You need to relax too. You need to think of something that would make you happy and I’ll get Alison in your mind before I start working. Try to keep it PG” teased Wanda.

“No one expects you to get it all out on the first go. Just start slow alright. If it gets to be too much we can take a break,” said Alison, She gripped his hand tightly and took a deep breath. Bucky squeeze her hand back, closed his and took his own deep breath. _Something happy._ Bucky felt a little jolt and when he opened his eyes he was standing at the entryway to Rockaway Beach. He was wearing black slacks and a nice button down shirt, something he would have worn for a date before the war. He felt someone’s hand in his and he turned to see her. Her long brown hair was down and in loose curls. She was in a green dress that somehow made her eyes look even greener. Alison kissed his cheek and grinned.

“So how many bears do you plan on winning for me?” asked Alison.

“As many as you want sweetheart,” said Bucky. He put his arm around her waist and walked her into the fair.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts are always welcome


	14. Layers

Wanda always thought of people’s minds like an onion. They were layers to peel away before finding the thing she wanted. Some minds were easier than others. She was a bit ashamed to admit how easy her now teammates minds were to peel away and find the things that scared them to the core. When Bucky had first come to them his thoughts were beyond loud and jumbled. She had tried to avoid him whenever she could since his thoughts sometimes gave her a headache. It chilled her to really see how far she could have let vengeance take her. Hydra had been cruel to her, but she had signed up for it. She wanted power and the death of the man who had taken her family away. If they had to beat her, perform tests on her and lock her away it was all for the greater goal.

Bucky had been a good man who had wanted to keep people safe and Hydra had used him like a puppet. He had never wanted power the way she had and what they had done to him was beyond cruel. Alison had sat her down last week to explain what she might find in his mind.

“Some of these things I’m going to tell you are things he told me while I was still treating him. I need you to keep them between us. I told him I would never tell anyone unless he was ready. Than again I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him and well here we are,” said Alison with a humorless laugh.

Wanda can sense that Alison is worried on several different levels. She’s worried that she’s breaking a promise she made to patient. _Patient. He was your patient and those promises meant everything to him._ She’s worried that this might not work and she’s broken her promises for nothing. She’s worried that this might trigger another outburst and someone could get hurt. _Hand on her throat. That look of hate in his eyes._ Alison was also worried about what this would do to her. To see his darkest memories and know what he had been made to do and what had been done to him. _She loves him more than anything, yet she doesn’t want anyone hurt for helping him,_ thought Wanda.

“It wasn’t enough for them to take his mind. They took his mind away repeatedly for year and years. Anytime he had a bit of it back they took it from him because they could. It was years upon years of torture and abuse. The first kill they made him do was of a girl who had been taking care of him. That was after they made him watch as they beat and raped her and after they did the same thing to him,” said Alison and her hand shook has she sipped her water.  

“They were animals,” said Wanda.

“That’s an insult to real animals,” said Alison in that humorless tone. “They used to him to kill men, women and children for decades. They scrubbed his mind when they were done with him and when they were bored they treated him like he was less than nothing,” said Alison barely holding her temper in. Wanda had rarely sensed rage from Alison and yet it was so strong for those who had hurt him it scared her a bit.

“If what you see in his mind becomes too much I want you to step away. I won’t be upset or disappointed if you can’t remove his triggers. I know this is a long shot and it’s something we can’t test without waking Bucky up. I can’t explain how much it means to me or to Steve that you would try to do this,” said Alison. Wanda could sense it though. Gratitude that she wasn’t sure she deserved from both Alison and Steve.

Wanda wasn’t surprised that Bucky had chosen something from his past that made him happy. Alison walked next to him dressed the way women from his youth had. _Why couldn’t we have met before now?_ It was a thought that crossed his mind more than once without his meaning too. He was under and distracted in his mind. She hoped he would stay that way for awhile.

Wanda sat down and starting peeling through the layers of his mind. Childhood. Some of the memories were dark and sad. A man yelling at woman who held her face and cried softly. The young boy promising he would be a better man someday. Soon the memories of his childhood turned bright and warm. They almost put a smile on her face as she viewed them. He held a baby and made faces so the baby would laugh. Steve. Walking to school with Steve, playing silly games and reading comics with Steve. Their mothers scolding the boys for a playground fight. The little sister who tagged along and teased them both.

Teenage Bucky frowning as he rubbed his mother’s sore back and wishing he could do more to help her. Realizing that girls were dropping books on purpose so he would pick them up and how they flushed and giggled when he did. Finally working up the nerve to take a girl out to a dance. His mother teaching him how to dance and him trying to teach Steve how to dance has well. First kisses and how nervous he had been the first time he been with girl. Steve guessing what happened and teasing him a bit. Trying to get Steve to go out with girls too and evenings when it was just him and Steve on the town.

His mother’s death was a cold spike to his heart. He wanted to do so much for her. Wanda felt how much he loved his sister and how much he wanted to take care of her. Steve’s mother passed the following year. Till the end of line was a promise he meant to keep to both Steve and his sister. They were an odd little family, but a good one. His back ached and his feet hurt from hours on the docks, but Steve belonged in school and maybe Becca could go to one if he saved up enough.

He enlisted because it had to be done. What sort of world would it be if he didn’t try to help?  Plus it was a chance to try for a better life. His sister cried and begged him not to go. He promised her Steve would be here to look after here. Relief when Steve was rejected and then annoyance that he kept trying. Blind fear and panic when they were taken by Hydra. Pain and exhaustion consumed his days as he laid strapped to table. Steve. Thinking he was crazy at first than realizing his best friend had come to save him. Him and Steve in the thick of the war. Nights where he couldn’t sleep and small hints of joy when a package came from his sister and when the little girl in camp who called him her sweetheart would curl up next to him.

Cold. Wanda suddenly felt so cold she wanted to rub her hands together. There was so much cold it almost overrode all the other pain he felt. Soon there was nothing but numbness. Confusion and a sense of great loss thinking that Steve was dead. Hope. The flutter of it almost made Wanda want to cry for him. He loved that poor girl and her death by his hand tore a hole in his heart. The endless cycle of abuses and humiliations heaped on him. Pleas to make it stop, to kill him and be done with it, that he would do anything they wanted if they just stopped hurting him. They would stop if he would just obey them. That was all he had to do. They never do stop though even when he does what he’s told. Wanda peeled back another layer and there were the memories of his commands.

 _Spudnik. The world goes black everytime he hears that world. He loses all control and when he wakes up he’s back in cell or in the chair.  Sometimes he wakes up to someone hurting him. He tries to fight back and they just say Spudnik again and the world goes back to black._ Wanda pulls it out and tosses the thought away. One down, so many more to go.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


Bucky feels like someone is watching them and whips his head around to see if anyone looked out of place. Alison took his hand and looked up at him puzzled.

“What’s wrong?” asked Alison. He feels foolish all of sudden for being worried about nothing. They were just two people out for date. He shrugs, wraps his arm around around her waist and they start walking towards the rides.

“Nothing doll,” said Bucky and Alison wrinkled her nose.

“Not sure how I feel about ‘doll’. Honey, sweetheart, sugar...I’ll even accept baby. I’m feeling generous,” said Alison. Bucky smiled at her and pulled her a little closer.

“How generous?” asked Bucky trailing a hand down her back. Alison gave him a little nudge and grinned.

“That’s for me to know and you to maybe find out. Come on,” said Alison and she tugged him over to the Atom Smasher. It was nice to ride a roller coaster with someone and have them not throw up on his shoes. She looked so damn happy as they waited in line to get hot dogs he felt an odd lump in his throat and he didn’t know why. Alison took their hot dogs and went to hand him his and she looked worried.

“Bucky?” asked Alison. He shook his head and took the hot dog from her. “Come on. Let’s go walk on the beach,” said Alison. She nudged him towards the beach as they ate hot dogs.

“Wasn’t I supposed to win you bear?’ asked Bucky and Alison wove her fingers through his and squeezed.

“You can after we take a walk on the beach,” said Alison. She slipped off her shoes and held them by the straps as they walked. Bucky felt off and he wasn’t sure why. Alison leaned into him has they walked. The silence between them was peaceful and yet Bucky couldn’t help but feel like something was off.

“What’s going on up there?” asked Alison looking up at him.

“I think I’m dreaming again, but it’s different somehow,” said Bucky running a hand down her arm and feeling smooth skin. Alison sighed and took his other hand.

“We’re so used to bad dreams we don’t know what to do when we get a good one,” said Alison. She looked sad suddenly and Bucky wanted to kick himself. Alison looked at the water and a small grin crossed her face.

“Let’s go for a swim,”said Alison and she tugged him across the beach.

“I’m really not dressed for a swim and neither are you,” said Bucky. Alison rolled her eyes and her grin got bigger.

“If this is a dream then it doesn’t matter,” said Alison. She sat her shoes down and Bucky stood there stunned as Alison stipped down to her slip and bra. She took a few steps into the water and turned back to look at him.

“You either get undressed and come with me or you can watch me,” said Alison. Before he could react she waded out and was almost waist deep when he found his senses. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but only a idiot would refuse to follow her in. He stripped down to his boxers and waded into the water.

Alison grinned and started swimming out to deeper water and Bucky shook his head before swimming out after her. He was a decent swimmer, but clearly she was much better at it and was floating with a smirk on her face when he finally did catch up to her.

“Glad you could make it,” teased Alison.

“I think you’re part fish,” said Bucky and Alison laughed.

“I told you I liked the Little Mermaid. I spent a lot of time in the water when I was kid during the summer. Well in between band camps,” said Alison. She treaded water and Bucky pushed her hair back.

“So is this us being stupid in love?” asked Bucky.

“I guess it is,” said Alison. He took her hand and kissed it.

“It’s nice,” said Bucky. Alison’s face turned a bit red and he wonder how she could blush like that after everything they had gone through. _This is a dream. I don’t know why I’m dreaming again, but I could stay here,_ thought Bucky. He allowed himself to float and Alison floated by him.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Sam looked down at the monitor that was keeping track of Alison’s and Bucky’s brain waves. _God she’s such a nerd she would want a medical record of her brain being in his head while the Littlest Witch pokes around,_ thought Sam. He looked over at Steve who was still as a statue while their friends were under. Wanda had her hands on Bucky’s head and the was a faint red glow as Wanda worked. Her face was screwed up in concentration and sometimes she would wince and shake her head. However the monitors remained unchanged.

 _God I hope this works,_ thought Sam. The past few weeks had been long and difficult for all of them, but he knew they had an extra layer of hard for both Steve and Alison. Sam hadn’t known about the role Bucky had played in Howard Stark’s death, but he had understood why Steve hadn’t told anyone. _What wouldn’t I do for Ally?_ Thought Sam. However he could understand why Tony might be pissed off, but he could have killed all three of them in his rage. Sam had been stunned to see Steve nursing a few bruises and Alison’s leg in a cast when he had been broken out. He also could have let the real guilty party get away. It was more than they Accords now. Sam honestly didn’t know if he could trust Tony again to work with him. Sam sighed and watched the monitors.

“Hopefully this works. She’s been working so damn hard to figure something out,” said David.

“That’s an understatement,” said Sam.

“Maybe we’ll be able to pry her out of all those old files too,” said David with a small grin. Sam gave a dry laugh.

“Ally is our personal Twilight Sparkle and I have feeling she’ll read every damn one unless we pry them from her cold dead hands,” said Sam. David gave him a small grin, but something about it felt off to Sam. He was about to ask when Wanda let out a huge groan and slumped to the floor. Steve was by her side before Sam could even move.

“Wanda? Wanda are you alright?” asked Steve and she nodded.

“I think I got everything out. I just need to rest,” said Wanda. Sam got up to help Wanda when Alison let out a small groan of her own. Wanda nodded her head at Alison and Sam turned his attention to his best friend.

“How did it go?” asked Alison sounding sleepy.

“You have no brain waves. Your mind is just a flat line,” teased Sam.

“At least it has a line unlike yours,” said Alison. Sam started undoing the restraints when Bucky spoke up.

“You know I’m really getting tired of getting to the best part of my dreams only to be woken up,” said Bucky.

“I’m sure we can put you back under,” called out David.

“How do you feel?” asked Steve.

“Alright. Sleepy. We won’t know if it’s out of me unless we test it,” said Bucky.

“We can test it later. You three need some rest,” said Steve. He helped Wanda over to a chair before undoing Bucky’s restraints.

“I’m fine,” said Alison. She went to get up and nearly fell over.

“Oh yeah. You are super fine,” said Sam wrapping an arm around her waist. Alison rolled her eyes.

“Give me a minute,” said Alison.

“We can test it in the morning. All three of you are going to get some rest. That’s an order,” said Steve seeing that Bucky was going to say something smart.

“I hate it when you pull rank,” said Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  
  


Bucky was sort of glad they were going to wait till tomorrow morning to see if what Wanda had done had really worked. If it didn’t work he would have to go back under. He didn’t mind it. It was better and safer for those around him if he was under if he still had Hydra programming in him. He just wished it wasn’t so hard on Steve and Alison. They would see it has a personal failure on their part if this didn’t work. They would be mad  at themselves for waking him up and putting him through something that was a false hope. It hadn’t been all bad. He had gotten some much needed time with both of them.

Alison was curled up on her side sleeping and Bucky toyed with her hair. The green stripes had fade and he was sort of sad to see them gone. _They looked nice on her,_ thought Bucky. He pulled her close and was going to see if he could doze off again when he heard Alison muttering.

“I wanna stay here with you. I’ll be good. I promise.”

“Ally. Alison wake up,” said Bucky. She was dreaming and he didn’t think it was good dream. She let out a small cry in her sleep and Bucky shook her lightly while talking to her.

“Sweetie wake up. It’s just a dream,” said Bucky. _All those nights she would wake me up telling me the same thing._ Alison jerked awake and it took her a few seconds to take in where she was and that he was with her.

“I’m sorry,” said Alison looking embarrassed.

“Remember what you told me when I woke you out of dead sleep and I would apologize?”  asked Bucky.

“That you had nothing to be sorry about. It happens to us all,” said Alison shaking her head. “Not fair using my own words against me,” said Alison.

“What were you dreaming about?” asked Bucky. He had seen her wake up on a few occasions from a nightmares she had about her experience during the Invasion. This one seemed different though. She sounded meek and worried when she had been talking in her sleep, not the panicked muttering and screaming he was used to from her and her nightmares.

“My mom,” admitted Alison. “I’ve been dreaming about her a lot lately,” said Alison. Bucky nodded and waited for her to go on. She didn’t talk a lot about her parents, they had both died when she was child and it hurt her to talk about them.

“Well it’s more of a memory I think. I’m with her in the hospital. I didn’t realize it than, but she was dying. Her kidneys were shutting down...she was having a dialysis treatment . The adult nurse in me can make sense now of what I couldn’t when I was kid. I’m watching her draw and I’m about to go sleep and then there are three people in the room. I can’t see their faces and my mom says I should go with one of them. The one who wants me to go with him seems nice. He offers to get me a milkshake. I didn’t want to leave her though and...I can’t remember who those people are. It’s like I should and I can’t. I don’t know why this is bugging me now. I’ve had twenty five years to think about it and I didn’t think about it until the last few weeks. Or maybe it is just a dream about my fear of failing. I don’t know,” said Alison.

Bucky squeezed her hand carefully and thought about what to say before speaking.

“When I was having all those dreams about my mom and Becca and coming home you said it was my mind’s way of letting me know I missed them. I know you miss home and all of this has been really hard. Maybe your mind is trying to tell you that,” said Bucky.

“I do miss home, but it’s more than that with this dream...memory...whatever it is. It’s like I’m missing something and I can’t figure it out,” said Alison. She sounded upset and Bucky pulled her close to him. It had been so easy for to help him and now she needed to be reminded how to help herself.

“Maybe you’re trying too hard. You know how hard it was for me to remember stuff at first. I would push myself to remember something and it just got all mixed up with other memories. It would take us all day just to untangle one thing I really wanted to remember. If you really want to remember it you can’t force it. I know it sucks. If this is really a memory about your mom and if you really want it, you just have to let it happen,” said Bucky. Alison raised her eyebrow.

“I’m a terrible psych nurse. I became romantic with my patient and then he uses our sessions to talk me through my own mental issues,” said Alison.

“You aren’t a terrible psych nurse. I don’t care what anybody says about our relationship and I’m sure you would have figured out sooner or later...you’ve been trying to figure out at least ninety different things right now. You just needed a nudge. It’s sort of nice being able to help talk you off a ledge,” said Bucky. Alison took his hand and she look nervous.

“Do you really want to wait and see if this worked or do you trust me?” asked Alison.

“I trust you with my life. I don’t trust myself with yours,” said Bucky.

“I wish you would. I know you...the real you. You’re a good man James Barnes and falling in love with you was hard for a lot of reasons, but I don’t regret it. I really want to be with you no matter what happens. If this didn’t work and we have to go back to square one I’m going to be here until it does work and you get to stay who you really are,” said Alison.

Bucky squeezed her hand in his. He wished he could put both hands on her. He wished that they could just go and float away in the ocean somewhere. That they didn’t have a care in the world. This was who they were though. Two slightly messed up people who wanted to make things right for others. The world would never understand them or all the reasons for why they loved each other, but it wasn’t for them to understand.

“I trust you,” said Bucky. He closed his eyes and waited. It felt like forever before she said anything.

“Spudnik,” whispered Alison. Bucky waited to lose his train of thought. To slip into total blackness and wake up confused. Nothing happened. He didn’t feel anything.

“Say the others,” demanded Bucky gripping her hand tightly in his. She spoke them softly into his ear. His grip on her hand got tighter as he waited for that hazy to come over him. He waited to lose himself to those words and found it wasn’t happening.

“James?” asked Alison. He looked up at her and felt tears burning in his eyes.

“I’m still me,” said Bucky. Alison hugged him tightly and started going on about how they should do again tomorrow with someone else just to make sure this was really set in stone and how they might want to test every so often to make sure it had really taken. Bucky took her face in his hand and shook his head.

“You really do talk alot,” said Bucky and he resorted to the only way he knew to make her stop talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's block is a bitch
> 
> Feedback is welcome


	15. Chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Life can get in the way and all the times I would restart this chapter probably didn't help anything. Little hints of Black Panther, possible spoilers if you haven't seen the movie yet. Thank you.

_December 2016_

  
  


Bucky rolled over in the bed and when he went to reach for Alison he found she was gone and that the sheets were cool. He sighed when he saw that it was almost three in morning. Bucky got out of bed and pulled a sweater on before leaving their room. They had been working on the heating in the small underground base and it was still touch and go. Bucky shivered slightly from the cold air and made his way down the hall to the common room. _Never thought it would be cold in the jungle. Then again it is underground so there is that,_ thought Bucky. Alison was curled up in a chair knitting what looked like a pair of socks. She was so focused on her knitting she didn’t notice him until he knelt down in front of her. She jumped a bit and dropped her needles.

“Geez. You scared me,” said Alison softly. She bent to pick up the socks she had dropped and sat them back in the lap. Bucky took one of her hands and frowned, it was like a block of ice.

“You’re freezing,” said Bucky and Alison shrugged.

“It’s not that bad. I think I almost have the heater figured out, but I didn’t want to wake everyone up working on it right now,” said Alison.

“Well I’m not everyone and if you wanted to knit you could have done it in our room where it was sort of warm,” said Bucky rubbing her chilled left hand with his right hand.

“I just couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you up,” said Alison. Bucky let his forehead rest against hers.

“I woke up because you weren’t there,” said Bucky softly. It was a half truth and he knew it. Yesterday had been never ending for at lot reasons. Alison flushed a little before taking his left hand and weaving her fingers through his.

“I just can’t stop thinking about those poor kids,” said Alison. “They were so scared and well what happens to them now,” said Alison. Bucky kissed her forehead.

“We got them home to their families. What they went through was terrible, but we saved them and you helped. A lot. I’m proud of you,” said Bucky.

“I still feel a little gross,” said Alison and Bucky nodded.

“I know and...come back to bed please,” said Bucky.

“Alright,” said Alison. She followed him back to their room. Bucky noticed she was limping slightly, clearly her leg was bothering her again and the cold probably wasn’t helping. Alison curled up in the bed next to him and Bucky brushed back a strand of her now black hair. He wished she hadn’t had to dye it black. _Trying to hide as much as we really can,_ thought Bucky. She rubbed her cheek against his beard and sighed.

“Do we need to bury the book deeper?” asked Alison.

“Yeah,” admitted Bucky. _Hearing that monster put his hands on you, talk about what he wanted to do you made me want to throw up and punch something at the same time,_ thought Bucky. He ran his metal hand down her back and pulled her a bit closer to him. “We did what needed to be done. You were really brave out there. We couldn’t have done it without you,” said Bucky.

“I don’t know. If Steve shaved that beard and put on a dress…” said Alison letting the image sink into his mind. Bucky gave her a small smile and kissed her.

“Come on. You need to get some rest,” said Bucky. Alison closed her eyes and Bucky rubbed her back until she was asleep. He pulled her close to him and started drifting off to sleep. _This isn’t how I wanted things to be for us, but at least we get to be some version of us some of the time,_ thought Bucky.

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It had taken a few weeks to confirm all the Hydra stuff was out of his head. It was like a weight had been lifted off him. Bucky knew he might not ever be forgiven for the things he had done, but at least he was in control of his life now. _I’m finally free. Really free. At least for now,_ thought Bucky. They were working on building him a new arm and trying to figure out where they should go next when Wanda told them that she wanted to go back to Slovakia.

“I know that sticking together has been the plan, but maybe it would be good for us to take a little break,” said Wanda. Steve started to speak when Wanda went on. “I know we can’t go back to how things were before and I think of you as my family. Even you Scott,” said Wanda giving the newest team member a small smile. “But there are some things I would like to think about and some things I would like to try to make right. It might be best for me to do some of those things on my own,” said Wanda.

Bucky watched Alison take a sip of her tea and gather her thoughts. Next to Clint she knew Wanda best. They had spent a lot of time talking behind shut doors and while Alison would never tell him what was said, he had a feeling some of the talks were about this.

“I hate to admit the kid might be right,” said Clint. “I don’t regret what we did. The way they were going about things was wrong. They rushed to judgment and almost let a mad man get away with it. We did the right thing. I miss home though. Laura and I had a plan in case things went bad. I need to see if it went alright for her and the kids,” said Clint. Bucky watched as Steve shifted in his chair and squared his shoulders. _Like a man trying to carry a heavy load,_ thought Bucky. He felt bad that Clint had left his family behind. _I know Steve only asked because he really didn’t think it would go this bad for us and now he’s beating himself up,_ thought Bucky.

They ended up talking for hours, weighing all the pros and cons of what to do and where to go. Bucky was almost ready to suggest they come back to this in the morning since Steve looked so damn lost when T'Challa came in with a suggestion and help that was beyond generous. Just on the edge of Wakanda’s borders was an old SSR base. During the war his grandfather had been tempted to help the Americans against the Italians and Germans has they marched through Northern Africa. However there had been disagreements about the Manhattan Project and sending Wakanda scientists to aid the project. While his grandfather wanted the war to end he couldn’t agree to working on something that destructive. The base stayed in case there was a change of heart. His grandfather had given the SSR some Vibranium in exchange for granting them a chance to think things over. After the bombs fell though, T’Challa’s grandfather had shut the door to working with any foreign nation.

The base was still there though. It was very old, he couldn’t promise if anything worked and it was underground. However, they would be relatively safe and well he wouldn’t be lying to the UN and others if he said they weren’t in his palace. There was a small tinkle in his eye and a small smile on his lips as he said the last part, but Bucky knew Steve wouldn’t find the spec of humor from the King to them. _He’s too focused a mission right now, but I don’t think he knows what the mission is,_ thought Bucky.

In the end Steve left it up to a vote. Those who wanted to stay in Wakanda on the base and those who needed a bit a breather. Scott, Clint, David and Wanda decided to go for the time being. For a second though Bucky was half tempted to take Alison’s hand and raise it with his. He wanted a breather and this seemed fair. They would come back when they were ready.

He couldn’t though. It was for two reasons, he couldn’t leave Steve right now. He owed his friend far too much and his friend needed him badly. The other reason was because Bucky knew if he left with Alison he didn’t think he would ever want to come back. _We could just go. Change our names, our looks and try to have something a bit normal. No more fighting or trying to save the world. We could just be two people who are stupid in love,_ thought Bucky. The problem was they would come back in a heartbeat if they were needed. Hell even they weren’t really needed they would come back to try help the others save lives and the world. This was really the only choice they had. He, Alison and Sam would stay here with Steve and try to get a base up and running. If the others should ever need a safe place they knew where to go.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


The following evening Alison felt Bucky twitch in his sleep and when she opened her eyes she saw that his face was screwed up tightly and he was muttering in Russian.

“Пожалуйста, не заставляй меня делать это. Я не хочу причинять им боль,” said Bucky and he flinched in his sleep again. _I know you never wanted to hurt anyone. I wish I could have found a way to make the memories not hurt you anymore,_ thought Alison.

He had been dreaming a lot the last few weeks, but he didn’t want to talk about them. She had asked him what he was dreaming about one night when he almost pushed her out of bed in his sleep. He looked ashamed and told he wasn’t ready to talk about it, but he would tell her when he was. Alison took his hand and pulled him close to her and waited until he was asleep before drifting back off herself. _We seem to take turns with the shitty dreaming. Maybe one of these days neither one of us will have shitty dreams._ In the meantime she had to be careful about waking him up.

“James,” said Alison softly and she rubbed his right arm. “Come on Sergeant, wake up,” said Alison. She took his hand and squeezed it. He muttered something she couldn’t make out and Alison nudged him carefully. “It’s just bad dream. We’re safe here,” said Alison. Bucky flinched again before jerking awake. He saw her looking at him and sighed deeply.

“You know I thought people who slept in separate beds were odd balls, but maybe one of us would get a full night of sleep if we did,” said Bucky sounding sleepy and somewhat bitter. Alison brushed his sweaty hair away from his face and squeezed his hand.

“You woke up last night because I wasn’t next to you. I didn’t sleep good when you were gone. We just go through rough patches of sleeping. Remember a few months ago when I kept having nightmares about my mom and the bombing? You’re always very sweet to me when I can’t sleep. Why wouldn’t I be the same when you can’t sleep?’ asked Alison. Bucky sighed and looked up the ceiling.

“It just doesn’t seem fair how we both can’t just have more than a few good weeks of sleep at time. I think that’s the thing that pisses me off most at times. It’s not fair that after everything we’ve gone through, everything we do to help people, everything we had to give up to be here and we can’t get even a good night’s sleep,” said Bucky.

Alison looked up at the ceiling and noticed there were some water damage on the ceiling tiles. A little voice spoke up that she should check those out later to make sure nothing was leaking. Another louder and nastier voice spoke up about how fucking depressing their situation was. They were thousands of miles from home, wanted criminals and no one would ever understand how much they loved each other or what they had given up to help others.

“Yeah it is sort of shitty,” agreed Alison. She felt his sharp blue eyes studying her and she felt the way his body tensed before taking her hand. His hand was hot and damp, but Alison squeezed his hand.

“On top of the mission we did. It was December sixteenth. They made me kill Tony’s parents twenty five years ago that day. I know they can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do anymore, but I can still hate what they made me do. I can hate the position they put us all in. I hate what this has done to Steve. I never thought I would see Steve so disappointed in the world. I never thought I would see the word turn it’s back on him,” said Bucky.

It was true that Steve seemed to have closed something off in himself. Alison knew Steve didn’t regret saving Bucky. She knew Steve would do it again in a second. He seemed hurt that he couldn’t fix everything. A few days ago her leg had been bothering her so she had been using her cane to walk around the base. Steve had come to ask her something and she saw how his eyes had darkened and his tone had changed once he seen her using the cane. He blamed himself for her needing it to start with. Another time she and Sam had been talking about missing his mother’s pecan pie and she had looked up to see Steve with his dark eyes and serious expression.

They still couldn’t go home and they were still considered terrorists. The press it seems was painting Steve has a man who had turned his back on his country and had taken her and the others along for the ride. _Like he’s some sort of cult leader and we all drank the Kool-aid,_ thought Alison bitterly. Even though they had been taking small missions on-a drug bust in Greece, helping a town under attack by real terrorists... the mission they had just finished. What else could they do to prove they just wanted to do the right thing. Would it ever be enough to set things right for them?

Bucky sat up and started rubbing her leg that had been broken during the fight with Tony. It was stiff and sore from the chill in the air and going undercover. _High heels are clearly out for me,_ thought Alison.

“I don’t like what this has done to you. I know you managed to hide it during the mission. I don’t know how you managed to do it since I know how much it’s been bothering you,” said Bucky. That was true. She slept with her leg propped up some nights or she would sometimes wrap it up in heating pad. When it bothered her too much there was the cane. She had good days when it didn’t bother her and she could walk normally, however the cold nights were clearly not helping.

“Maybe I should just cave and see about having it rebroken and reset. It wouldn’t be so bad. Just a few weeks,” said Alison. She wasn’t sure though, she had already messed up this leg before. She knew she had some of Steve’s healing factor, but maybe this was her limit.

“Maybe,” agreed Bucky. His metal fingers skimmed along her leg in a way that soothed her. It felt different than his old fingers had, but he seemed more at ease with this new arm. _For him it’s a clean slate._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“It’s not too heavy is it?” asked Alison. Bucky rolled his shoulders and sat up in the bed. They had just finished attaching his new arm and it Alison hoped it lived up to what he was used too. She had given her notes about his old arm to a young woman named Shuri and she had taken off with them excitedly promising that she would make this arm much better. From what Alison could understand the lady was something of a technical genius. Shuri had been the one to take her notes and designed the cryo chamber Bucky had used.

After Bucky had gone under, Shuri had thanked her for compiling the notes she needed. She had been looking into cryo tech for sometime now, but the last pieces had always eluded her. Now she hoped that something good would come out of an invention meant to hurt. Alison had listened to her go on for almost a mile a minute talking about how she could use it to study cancer or people with Alzheimer's before someone came telling her that the King wished to see her. It took Alison a moment to realize they were talking about T’Challa. She hadn’t seen a lot of Shuri and the others told her she was busy with work and Alison understood completely.

The new arm Shuri had designed for Bucky was made completely of Vibranium. The red star marking him has the Winter Soldier was gone. It looked there were small traces of gold when the plates lined up. Bucky moved the fingers on his left hand easily. He moved the left arm in circles before getting out bed.

“It’s different. It feels lighter than the old one though,” said Bucky. He walked back and forth across the room swinging his arm by his side. Alison noticed his walk seemed different. _Trying to compensate for the weight change._

“It moves a bit better than the old one. It really is lighter too. They do good work here,” said Bucky with a smile. He came over and ran his left hand down her arm before taking her hand in his. “Does it feel different to you?’ asked Bucky.

“A little,” said Alison. His grip got a little tighter on her hand, but it didn’t hurt. He had always been careful to not hold her too tightly with that hand. Even when he had been trying to be careful his grip had left bruises on her from time to time. _There were bruises on my thigh and hip from us going at it and sometimes he would shake his head when he would look at them and ask how I could really enjoy being with him when it would hurt afterward. I told him it was like having a hickey and that it wasn’t that bad._

“You know all we have to do is lock the door and we could really try this out,” said Bucky with that grin she had seen in old pictures. That rare smile that meant he was really happy about something. She had seen a few times when they had started dating and it still made her a little weak in the knees  Alison grinned and gave him a playful nudge.

“Later Sergeant. We still have other tests to run,” said Alison and Bucky went to pull her close when the door open and there was T’Challa and Shuri. Alison felt her face turn a bit pink and she quickly stepped away from Bucky. Shuri grinned a little and T’Challa chuckled slightly.

“I see that the reattachment is working out nicely for you Sergeant Barnes,” said T’Challa. Bucky nodded gravely and stood up a bit straighter.

“It is. Thank you,” said Bucky and T’Challa smiled at them.

“The thanks is not mine to accepted, however I’ll be sure to pass them on to my sister,” said T’Challa. Shuri looked at him and mocked glared.

“You could just tell them I’m right here,” said Shuri and Alison did a double take.

“Your sister...I didn’t know...no one told me,” stammered Alison feeling her face turn red. She honestly hadn’t known that T’Challa had a sister. She wondered what people had thought of the way she had interacted with Shuri. She hadn’t been rude, but she was sure that there was supposed to be a way you addressed a princess and Alison knew she hadn’t done that. _Oh god what if I’ve been a huge asshole this whole time and no one has told me,_ thought Alison.

“Now look what you did? You’ve flustered the poor lady. It’s alright. I’m so un-princess like most people forget I am one. He just likes to remind people because it annoys me” said Shuri. She asked Bucky to sit down so she could examine his arm. T’Challa came up next to Alison while the exam was going on.

“If you are embarrassed because you didn’t treat my sister like a princess don’t be. She truly enjoys being treated as an equal. She was also fond of the work you put into detailing the process of creating the first arm he had. Well….she wasn’t fond of what they did to him, but your research was very helpful to her,” said T’Challa.

“It was the least I could do considering what she’s done for him. I can’t thank either one of you enough. For everything,” said Alison. T’Challa sighed.

“You feel that you owe me and I feel that I owe you. I fear will we never feel our debts are paid to each other at this rate. Let us just help each other and see where it goes,” said T’Challa and Alison let out a small laugh of her own.

“That might be workable,” said Alison. She watched Shuri tease Bucky while she worked on his arm. Bucky turned bright pink and seemed to stammer while Shuri laughed at him. It made her smile and T’Challa nodded at them.

“I hope things will be workable for you two in the world. He won’t always be seen as guilty man and I hope others will understand why you care for him so much,” said T’Challa.

“I hope so too,” said Alison. It was all she had right now was hope. Hope that someday the world would see the real James Barnes. Hope that someday they could all go home again.

That night when he made love to her Alison hoped Bucky knew she didn’t mind when he held her too tight and it left marks on her. If the choice was being held too tightly or not at all, she would pick being held too tightly. _I thought no one was ever going to hold me again. I didn’t think I would want someone to hold me again. Then you came and I knew I wanted to be held again and it doesn’t matter how tight the hold is. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough._

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“Do you want to talk about your dream?” asked Alison. Bucky kept skimming his fingers up and down her leg. It was oddly calming for him to be able to touch her while he talked. She was really here and it helped ground him. _If she would have know how much this helps she might have let me touch her sooner,_ thought Bucky. He would tell her about the one he had woke up from. There had been other dreams during the last few weeks that had woken them both up and he isn’t ready to voice them. _I watch Tony shoot Steve and than you. He leaves me alive because losing you both would be worse than death. I see myself back under Hydra’s control and they make me start killing again. I see you and Steve in that prison the others were talking about and they hurt you both trying to find me._

“I see the car that I know Howard and his wife are supposed to be in. I take it out and when I go to make sure they’re dead...it’s you and Steve. I kill you and Steve,” said Bucky. He could see dream Steve trying to get out of the car only to slam his metal fist into his head. The Alison in his dream whimpered for help and he went over and choked the life out of her. It was only after she stopped breathing did he realize what he had done.

Alison pushes herself up so she can sit next to him. She doesn’t say anything, she just takes his hand and puts her head on his shoulder. Sometimes this is what he needs more than anything. Quiet. He just wants her close by in the quiet so he can remind himself he can have these moments with her now. Quiet moments where they can just be.

“You wanna try to go back to sleep?” asked Alison after a time. Bucky kisses her forehead and they settle in together.

“When I was kid, I had this thing called a dreamcatcher. Grandpa got it for me one summer at one of those tourist trap places. It’s supposed to be a Native American protection charm. It looks like a spiderweb and its supposed to catch the bad dreams,” said Alison. He can’t see her face since she has her back to him. Her tone is sort of wistful and amused.

“Did it work?” asked Bucky.

“I like to think it did. Tricking one’s mind...a belief in magic or maybe I was just eight years old so it worked really well. At this point what could it hurt to try some alternative medicine?” asked Alison.

“Do you think one would be enough for both of us,” said Bucky trying to joke and Alison let out a deep sigh.

“We’ll have to get two and see how it goes from there,” said Alison. Bucky listened to her breathing even out and then he heard the light snores that let him know she was sleeping. He put a hand over to heart to feel it. _Maybe that was the worst part of the mission. You playing dead,_ thought Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

T’Challa had come to them for help in late November and it surprised Bucky. Since they had moved out they really hadn’t seen much of the King of Wakanda. They would trade messages about how they were or if they needed anything, but nothing face to face since the end of the summer when they all went their separate ways in the middle of the night. Wanda and David going seemed to hit Alison hard. She hugged them both and wished they good luck with a smile, but the second they were gone she was quickly wiping her eyes and trying to hold back a sob. She was quiet and withdrawn the first few days after they left. Alison would later tell him it was just so hard to say goodbye to them and not know if they would be ok. _I’ve lost a lot a people...you think it would get easier after a while,_ said Alison one night when she couldn’t sleep. Bucky hoped that they would all find what they were looking for and that they stayed safe.

The base reminded Bucky of the SSR base back in London and he was sure Steve felt the same way. There were times Bucky would turn a corner and would hope that Peggy would be there telling an officer how something needed to be filed or that Howard would come out of his lab and ask him to look at something. They were gone though and it their places were Alison and Sam trying to figure out how to best rewire the lights or Steve trying to moving old filing cabinets to another room. It wasn’t much, but it was the closest thing to a home for now.

“You know I could send people to help you with the heating?” said T’Challa sitting down at their table. It was starting to get cold at night in the base and despite all of them working on it the heater was still touch and go.

“I think we have it almost figured out. What can we do for you, Your Highness?” asked Steve. Bucky saw Sam look at Alison and she shrugged. Bucky was pretty sure Sam would have been fine with the help and Alison would have been too. However, they went along with Steve and Bucky sighed. Once upon a time Bucky had been sure that he and the other Howling Commando would be the last idiots Steve took along for a ride and clearly he had been wrong.

“Someone has been kidnapping young women and children from villages close to the Wakanda border. We know who it is, but not where he has taken them. I have other issues that I must address and time is not on my side to take on all of these issues. I was hoping that you could find where this person is taking them and get them home safely,” said T’Challa.

“Of course,” said Steve and Bucky could see that Sam and Alison looked ready to pounce on this too. Bucky was too, he knew that Hydra had made him hurt women and children over the years and it showed what cowards they were. T’Challa explained in great detail about the man they were looking for and the plan he had in mind for them. The man’s name was Bram and he was part of a group that believed that all Africa should be under apartheid along with several other disgusting world views that made Bucky cringe. T’Challa believed he planned to sell off the women and children he had kidnapped into trafficking groups and than see if he could get ransom from the families even though they wouldn’t be returned.

“One of the sellers he’s supposed to meet is a man called Jackal, however we have Jackal in our custody,” said T’Challa with a dry smile. “However I’m sure his associate could meet him,” said T’Challa looked at Sam and Sam raised an eyebrow.

“So I’m supposed to meet with a man who thinks I should be licking his boots. Will he even meet with me?” asked Sam.

“Yes. You are to extend Jackal’s apologizes and as a show of good faith Jackal will have a gift for him,” said T’Challa and he looked ill at ease for a second and Bucky had a sinking feeling.

“Gift?” asked Steve and T’Challa’s eyes flickered over to Alison.

“Yes a gift,” said T’Challa and it took Alison a second to realize what he meant.

“Me...I...um…” stammered Alison.

“No,” said Bucky flatly and Steve looked at him sharply.

“Buck,” said Steve and Bucky shook his head.

“I’m not okay with what this guy is doing and I’m more than willing to take this guy out from several football fields away, but using Alison has some sort of honey trap?” asked Bucky.

“If I could use one of my own people I would. However Bram has a thing for white women,” said T’Challa without emotion. “Please let me finish what the plan is,” said T’Challa. Alison took his hand and Bucky listened to the rest of the plan trying to hold his tongue.

Sam was to explain that Alison was one of Jackal’s favorites and that once Jackal was released he would expect his lady to be returned unharmed. Alison was than to take Bram to a certain hotel and drug him. Once he was out the room would be staged to look like a horrible fight had happened and that Alison was dead. Bucky went to say something when Alison squeezed his hand and spoke up.

“How would you do that?” asked Alison.

“Dr. Banner invented a drug that lowers your heart rate to one beat per minute. We’ve managed to recreate it. You’ve have to test it first to see what dosage would work for you,” said T’Challa. Alison nodded and Bucky went to speak when Sam beat him too it.

“So how does that get us to our goal?” asked Sam. Steve had it figured out though.

“I would assume Jackal wouldn’t be happy if anything happened to his favorite. Bram would offer the other girls up as a trade of sorts to save his own sorry backside,” said Steve.

“Exactly,” said T’Challa.  

“You really think he’ll go for this?” asked Alison.

“You’re a very attractive women Ms. Conley in addition to being very intelligent. I think it will only take you a short time to have him following you without him realizing it,” said T’Challa. He stood up and looked at Steve.

“We have the meeting set up for a week from now. Take the time you need to fine tune anything in the plan. I’ll have someone come and bring you back to my sister’s lab to have you test out the drug. We’ll provide you with everything you need...just make sure you give him an extra punch from me before you bring him in,” said T’Challa. Steve escorted him out and Bucky let out a breath. This was insane. Beyond insane. Alison wasn’t trained to go undercover and what would happen if any part of this didn’t work?

“Well I hope they have something to cover these up,” said Alison. She was studying her scarred arms and Bucky shook his head.

“You can’t do this,” said Bucky sharply and Alison gave him a look.

“I’m not going to lie and say I’m a big fan of this, but...we have to help those people,” said Alison. Bucky felt a punch in the gut. He wanted to do the right thing, but using her has bait was beyond him.

“I’m not saying we shouldn’t. We should. I say we grab this guy and beat him till he talks,” said Bucky.

“He won’t talk unless it’s worth his while,” said Steve. He pulled up a chair in front of Alison and looked her in the eyes and than looked at Sam.

“It’s really up to you two if we do it this way. It’s a good plan really, but we could try to come up with something in the next week if you guys want,” said Steve.

“I’m not the one who has to try and seduce a racist pimp. It’s all on you cupcake,” said Sam. Alison sighed.

“Can I punch him in the dick when we’re done?” asked Alison.

“Don’t see why not,” said Steve with a hint of a smile and Bucky sighed. Yep people were still following the skinny punk that was too stupid to walk away from a fight.

That night he and Alison laid in bed and the silence between them was awkward.

“You’re mad at me,” said Alison finally breaking the silence.

“I’m not mad...not really,” admitted Bucky. He had been mad at first. She was almost as bad as Steve. Jumping into trouble...hell the reason she was here now was because she approached him when she wasn’t supposed too. They were has safe as they could be and she was putting herself at risk. What if someone recognized her and called the police. What if this guy didn’t take to her? Or worse he did take to her and things got out of control before she could drug him. What if they couldn’t help her before it got out of control? Logic started creeping in though and Bucky hated it.

She was one of the smartest people he knew and she knew how to take care of herself when the shit hit the fan. You put people on missions who knew how to handle things. This asshole wouldn’t see her as a threat and it would lower his guard. Plus there were so many other people to think of. Those innocent people needed their help and what kind of person would he be if he didn’t help.

“I’m worried,” said Bucky. Alison rolled onto her side and looked at him.

“Me too. We have to try though,” said Alison.

“I know. I don’t think we could live with ourselves if we didn’t try,” said Bucky. She pulled him close and he threw his arm around her has they went to sleep.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


Alison turned on her I-pod and lowered herself to the floor. She sat her cane off to the side and adjusted her leg to a comfort position, she was going to be down her for awhile, might as well get cozy. Bucky had gone out to pick up some food, Sam was doing the weekly cleaning and she wasn’t sure where Steve was. She loved them, but sometimes it felt crowded and she found herself missing her little bits of alone time. It wasn’t the most enjoyable use of alone time, but she would take it.

This heater was an big, old clunker that was brand new in 1943.Alison thanked the gods she had been able to find the repair book to it. She was sure it was something with where the pilot light was suppose to...well light. _At least it’s not a coal burning stove, that would have been a pain in the ass too,_ thought Alison. She studied it for a second before carefully taking off the cover. She had replaced the other parts and this was the last thing she could think of. If this didn’t fix it maybe they could ask for a new heater. She hated to ask though. T’Challa had done so much for them and was still doing a lot for them. If they were ever caught here in his backyard it would be a hard blow to the new king.

Alison looked at the book and looked at the section where the pilot light was. Yep all the parts were covered in gunk and rusted. She could clean them or maybe see about 3D printing new ones. That would be an easier ask in her book. She took out some cleaner and a little toothbrush to start cleaning the parts.

“Maybe you should just kick it and see if that does the trick.” Alison looked up and Steve was leaning in the doorway.

“That was like the very first thing I did. Maybe I just didn’t do it hard enough,” said Alison. Steve chuckled before coming in and sitting down across from her.

“How’s it going?” asked Steve and Alison shrugged.

“I think once I get this cleaned up we might be in business. I really wish I would have started work on this first thing, but having lights down here seemed more important,” teased Alison.

“You kids are so damn spoiled with your need for lights and heat. You should ask Bucky about the winter of 34. We walked around wearing five pairs of socks, three shirts and gloves under mittens and that was just around the apartment,” said Steve. The grin was there and she could almost believe it.

“Yeah I’m one those spoiled millennials. How I’ve survived so far without taking a selfie in the last few months is just beyond science,” said Alison. Steve actually let out a small laugh and Alison grinned at her own stupid joke for a few moments before it got oddly quiet between them.

“How are you doing this morning?’ asked Steve. All the humor was gone from his face and Alison stopped cleaning the parts.

“I’m fine. A little tired, but fine,” said Alison . Steve nodded and sighed like a man about to pick up a heavy load before speaking.

“I know what you had to do couldn’t have been easy. This really wasn’t what you signed up for and well...you did good out there,” said Steve. Alison could see there was more he wanted to say and she could tell he wasn’t sure how to spit it out.

“Is this what you imagine when you signed up for the Army?” asked Alison and she gestured around the room. “I mean all of it...everything?” asked Alison.

“Not in the slightest,” said Steve.

“If we knew everything we signed up for life would be really dull,” said Alison and Steve sighed again.

“That’s one way of looking at things,” said Steve. Alison caught his gaze looking at her cane and she nudged him.

“It’s really not that bad...I can live with it,” said Alison.

“It could have been a lot worse,” said Steve and there was a dark look in his eyes and Alison was wondering if he was thinking about Rhodey who was now parazalized. Or Tony who was now a stranger to him.  

“I know,” said Alison. “Steve...I’m not going to lie...sometimes this really sucks and I miss home, but it’s not your fault. Something that I had to learn after Matt died was that blaming people and things was pointless. Laying blame wasn’t going to make things right or better. Well it’s still a lesson I’m learning considering my state of mind last year,” said Alison. She had blamed herself for Bucky leaving and had slipped into a depressed state. “I don’t blame you for this or any of it. I’ve had a lot good and a lot bad come my way over the last year. The good parts are what keep me going. I know you don’t think there is a lot of good right now, but there is,” said Alison.

“You know Peggy told me I was always melodramatic. I know there is still good out there and that someday people might see we’ve done the right thing. I once said that the cost of freedom was high and it was price I was willing to pay. It was a price I was willing to pay...I just never thought it would be this high for everyone,” said Steve.

“Well if it makes you feel better, it’s a price I would gladly pay again. Not just for Bucky or Sam...or even you. I did this because it was the right thing to do,” said Alison. Steve nodded and his gaze went over to the I-pod.

“You know I never did ask the maid of honor for a dance. I am really a terrible date,” said Steve. Alison rolled her eyes and grinned.

“You could help me off the floor and ask me to dance,” said Alison. Steve took her hands and helped her get up.

“That sounds fair,” said Steve. The song switched from the slow one to one by the Smashing Pumpkins and Steve frowned. “Can you really dance to this?”

“We can sway in a circle to this,” said Alison. She put her arms around his neck and started leading them in a circle.

_I wanted more_

_Than life could ever grant me_

_Bored by the chore_

_Of saving face_

  
  


As the song went on Steve studied the younger women and thought about how confused and broken she had looked when he found her in Spain last year after she had gone after Bucky. He had been worried that she had lost some of the best parts of herself. He sometimes wondered if he had lost the best parts of himself over the years. Maybe those parts weren’t completely gone, just buried for safe keeping.

_I’ll tear my heart out_

_Before I get out_

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


Steve watched Bucky’s face grow harder by second and Steve couldn’t blame him one bit. They listened to Alison, well Anna for this evening let out another laugh as Bram made another gross comment about her looks. Something about how her legs would look good behind her head. This laugh sounded far too forced his ears, but Bram was buying it. Alison had been loading him with drinks the last hour now and how he was still standing was beyond Steve. Alison was drinking too, but Steve knew it affected her differently now. He hoped the booze was helping take the edge off this evening though.

“Maybe we could go somewhere and I could show you,” said Alison teasing. It was a tone Steve had her use joking with Sam, David and the other guys on the med staff. She was good at this and he wished she wasn’t. Honestly he wished he could of had Natasha here, but they were beggars and a beggars couldn’t be choosers is what his mother had always said.

“Why don’t we go upstairs and…” started Bram.

“I would like something a little more private. Come on. I’ll drive,” said Alison. A few moments later Steve heard Sam in his ear.

“I got eyes on them. Shit she might not even need to drug him. He can barely stand up,” said Sam. Steve heard Alison gasp a little and than laugh.

“Now come on play nice,” said Alison.

“With an ass like yours I’ll play however I want,” said Bram.

“Give me a Dragunov and I can drop him from 800 yards away,” muttered Bucky. They heard the car start and the chatter between Alison and Bram went on. Steve watched the car pull out the club and he started driving behind them. They were driving through Cape Town, the hotel room was already set. T’Challa had paid a good deal of money for them to have a suite on the top floor and no one would hear anything.

Steve had been focused on driving when he heard Alison let out another gasp and a strained laugh.

“Just a few more minutes. You’re gonna make me crash if you keep at it,” said Alison lightly.

“Oh come on sweetie…I just wanna feel you a little bit,” Bram whined.

“I would shoot him the stomach just so he would suffer,” said Bucky.

“When we get there….I’ll make you drink and you can feel me all night long,” whispered Alison.

“I guess I can live with that,” pouted Bram. Bucky’s face was beet red and Steve felt his own ears turning pink.

“I know we’re supposed to turn him over, but would it be a terrible loss if he happened drown somewhere?” asked Sam.

“We’re turning him in,” said Steve flatly although he wasn’t sure if he would be terribly upset to see this guy hung out to dry. Steve parked down the street and watched Alison and Bram get out the car. Alison was dressed in a shiny gold low cut dress that barely covered her backside and needle thin gold heels. Her long black hair was curled and spilled down her back. They had her wearing a necklace that hid the listening device they were using. Shuri had come up with a micro skin that covered up the scars on Alison’s arms and legs.

They listen to Alison check in and while the clerk went to get a key they heard Bram whisper to Alison.

“Your daddy was very nice to give me such a good girl for the evening. I hope he knows what a good girl he has.” Before Alison could reply the clerk came back with a key. Room 1401, a VIP suite. Alison thanked the clerk and it was quiet for a few moments. Than they heard a thump and what Steve could only guess was kissing. In between the kissing was Bram telling Alison how he planned to have her in graphic detail. Steve try to block it out after hearing Bram say. “I’m going to enjoy seeing you on your knees. I just don’t know where I wanna put it first.”

Bucky had gone from red to white and he was shaking with barely held back rage. Steve could only imagine how Sam was feeling right now. Steve was taking back his wish for Natasha to be. He knew she had done things like during her days before SHIELD, but he wouldn’t want her to be doing this now. Bucky was muttering in Russian and Steve heard Alison tell Bram to make himself comfortable while she got some wine for herself and a brandy for him. Thankfully it was silent again for a few moments before they heard Alison offer him the brandy.  

“Easy. You don’t wanna choke on it,” said Alison.

“Speak for yourself sweetheart,” said Bucky softly. It pulled at Steve and put a hand on Bucky’s arm.

“She’s going to be alright,” said Steve. They heard Alison let out some sort of noise before Bram was panting into the mike.

“Come on...show me what a good girl you are. Come on now...yep...now….good girl….let me see….” It was quiet and Alison let out a sigh of relief.

“He’s out and god damn he’s heavy.” They heard her groan and heave a another sigh before they heard another thump. “I may have pushed him off the bed. Bastard,” spat Alison.

“You’re doing a good job,” said Steve. “We’ll be up in a few minutes.” Steve looked over at Bucky who was trying to control the shakes.

“Do you need a minute?” asked Steve.

“Let’s just get this over with,” snapped Bucky. They made there over to the backdoor and through the service elevator up to the fourteenth floor. Sam was already with Alison giving her a loose hug while glaring daggers at the passed out man on the floor. Steve was disgusted to see Bram already had his pants off.

“I’ve seen my fair share of male genitals during my nursing days and a few during my limited dating days and I have to say his is the smallest and grossest I have ever laid eyes on,” said Alison trying to joke. Sam gave her a weak smile and kissed her forehead.

“You alright?” asked Steve and Alison nodded.

“This was worst part. Now I get to take a nap while Sam does the rest of the heavy lifting,” said Alison.

“Lucky,” teased Sam. Alison looked over a Bucky and went over to him.

“I’m alright. I promise,” said Alison. She ran a hand down his metal arm and Bucky looked at her. Bucky muttered something in Russian and Alison asked for a minute before pulling Bucky towards the bathroom. She muffled her mike so Steve couldn’t hear them. They were talking softly in Russian and Bucky sounded very distressed while Alison sounded calm.

“Come on. Let’s get this show set up,” said Sam They staged to room to look like a fight had happened. Chairs overturned, broken glasses, and Shuri had even came up with a fake looking blood to put on a mirror they broke. They made sure to set the hotel clock four hours ahead so that way when Sam woke Bram up it looked like hours had passed.

Alison and Bucky came out of the bathroom and Bucky still looked upset, but in better control of himself. Alison hugged him tightly.

“You should go before I get set up. I don’t want you to see that,” said Alison. Bucky nodded and went into the room next to this one where they would be listening in for the rest of the mission. Steve watched his friend go and Alison sighed.

“It’s just bring up some bad memories. He’ll be ok once this over with,” said Alison. She pulled a micro skin out of her bag and used it on her face and neck. It made her face and neck look bruised and swollen. _When we found her South America she looked a little worse off,_ thought Steve. Yeah he could see how this would bring back some bad memories for Bucky. Sam helped Alison tear the dress and Steve left to see how Bucky was doing when Alison posed the question about her underwear. Should she leave it on or take it off?

Bucky was sitting on a sofa turning on the computer they would use to listen in.

“This is almost done,” said Steve.

“I know,” said Bucky flatly. Steve wished he knew what to say when Bucky spoke up.

“We were kidnapped...before I started to come back to myself. One the guys was on top her. He asked if she was going to be better than I was. I watched him put his hands all over her before I really snapped. If she hadn’t brought me back,” Bucky cut himself off and shuddered at the thought. “Let’s just say I really wouldn’t feel bad if I put my fist through that asshole’s face right now,” said Bucky. Steve nodded when Alison’s voice drifted through the speakers.

“According to Shuri I can stay out for about 90 minutes. So you better get what you need,” said Alison.

“I might need a little more time whoop his ass around this room,” said Sam.

“Let’s wrap this up kids,” said Steve sounding a lot happier than he felt. Alison hissed a bit as Sam injected her with the drug.

“That is…”Alison dropped off and a few minutes later they heard Sam pronounce she was out.

“Wake him up and let him see the mess he’s in,” said Steve.

“Not a problem,” said Sam. “Hey. Hey. Get your ass up now!” They heard Sam throw water on Bram and he groaned. “What did you do to her? Do you have any idea how much shit you are in right now? I told you she was his favorite and when Jackal finds out she’s dead he’s gonna skin your ass. Get up!” snapped Sam.

“What?” asked Bram stupidly.

“We agreed she was all yours and that you could do what you wanted as long as Jackal got her back. If you wanted to smack her around that’s one thing. Choking the bitch to death is another,” yelled Sam.

“I didn’t...oh god...oh shit. I...I didn’t. I didn’t do that. Oh fuck what happened?” asked Bram. Clearly he had seen the state Alison was in and how bad the room looked. He sounded scared and Steve hoped that would work in their favor.

“That’s what I want to know since Jackal is gonna have my ass for this too. Anna was his favorite and to say he’s going to pissed is an understatement,” said Sam coldly.

Bram denied do anything to her and after a lot of useless crying and pleading from Bram and Sam stressing how much trouble they were in. Bram started talking about the girls he had taken.

“Look...I can get you another girl. Younger...he can turn out however he likes. Just tell him she ran off. We can dump her somewhere and no one has to know. I can take you to them,” said Bram.

“Fine. Clean yourself up first. I’ll see if I can get someone to clean up this mess without causing a scene or telling Jackal,” said Sam.

“I’ll follow Sam in the van. You can stay here and make sure Alison wakes up alright,” said Steve. He didn’t think it would be wise for Bucky to go with Sam. He had been glaring at the screen while they talked about what to do with the dead body. Steve waited till he heard Bram and Sam leave the hotel room and Steve went back in. Alison was passed out on the bed. Steve covered her up her exposed body with a blanket and took the micro skin off so it wouldn’t look so bad when Bucky came in. _She did good though. I know it was hard, but she did good._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


The children in the village where they got their supplies had taken to calling him White Wolf. Bucky wasn’t sure how they picked that nickname for him, but he didn’t mind. He had been called a lot of things in his life and this seemed to be harmless. They were playing soccer when he came into get a few basics they needed for meals. He liked when it was turn to go get supplies. It was nice to be out of the confines of the base and to know he was perfectly safe to go out by himself and not look over his shoulder all the time.

Sometimes Alison came with him and the children had taken to calling her Night Nurse. Alison had offered her services has a nurse when they first arrived here as a thanks for letting them stay so close. She spoke their language, but they eyed wearily. They were here because the King had said so. However, they had slowly started winning them over by helping with some manual labor when needed. Alison had helped when a young boy had nearly cut his hand off playing with an ax. He would have bled to death before they could get him to the city for proper care without quick thinking on her part. After that they always seemed to come at night when they needed her help. An elderly man with a sore back. A baby that wouldn’t keep food down. A woman who was having labor pains. They had their own healers, but extra help never hurt.

They kicked the ball towards him on purpose and laughed. Bucky grinned and kicked it back. He wondered if they would be open to learning baseball as he paid for eggs, flour and some rice. He picked up his bags when the children kicked the ball back at him.

“The White Wolf is out and on the prowl,” they sang at him. Bucky gave them another smile before kicking the ball back.

“Maybe I’ll be out tonight to howl at the moon,” said Bucky in Wakanda. Alison had taught him how to speak it after she learned it. Maybe it was a holdover from his Hydra days, but he learned languages quickly. A necessity in his line of work.

“Where is the Night Nurse? The wolf shouldn’t be out without the night,” teased one of the girls.

“Stop picking on him,” called out a voice. Bucky turned to see Shuri coming towards him carrying the thing he had asked her to bring. He had felt a bit guilty asking her for it while they were planning the mission, but it was for Alison. _I’ve never gotten her a gift before and well it’s almost Christmas._

“Sergeant Barnes,” said Shuri giving him a little salute.

“Princess,” said Bucky with a slight bow.  

“It’s so charming when you Colonists bow to me. It’s a rush that I never imagined. I hope it never gets old,” said Shuri with a laugh.

“Thank you for doing this for me. Well for Alison,” said Bucky. Shuri’s face softened and she motioned that they should sit down.

“Being away from home isn’t easy and all of you are very far from home. They were some issues after you left that made me realize how lucky I am to have a place to call home,” said Shuri looking sad.

“If you ever need anything…” started Bucky and Shuri shook her head.

“This was a family thing and had to be dealt with by family. I do thank you for the offer though. You all have done a great deal for my family already. My father can rest in peace with our ancestors knowing justice was done and my brother was saved from making a terrible mistake,” said Shuri. She brighten quickly though and handed Bucky the case.

“I do hope this is what you wanted for her. If not too bad, I’m not ordering another one,” said Shuri. Bucky studied the contents of case and grinned.

“No. This is fine. She’ll love it. I should be getting back. Hopefully she’ll have that heater working,” said Bucky.

“She’s still fiddling with that? I thought she was the smart one out of all of you,” cried Shuri.

“She has her moments,” said Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  
  


Everyone was beat after the mission was over. Alison went to take a shower to get the smell of the club off her and Bucky went into the kitchen to make her a cup of tea. Steve went to make a report to T’Challa and Sam went right to his room to pass out. Bucky took the tea to their room where Alison was brushing out her wet hair. She had changed out of the clothes she had hastily thrown on after she woken up from the drug to a pair of sweats and a sweater. She looked tried, but more like herself now. Honestly he had hated how she looked this evening. That dress was the tackiest thing he had ever seen. He was glad it was now a ripped up rag in a trash can.

“Here. Let me,” said Bucky. He handed her the mug and took the brush from her. Alison sat down and Bucky started brushing out her hair. She had done this for him more than once during their time together. He remembered thinking how strange it was that she brushed his hair and even stranger that she would be kind about it. It had never occurred to him until after they were together how intimate that had been for him. To let someone be that close to him and touch him in such a caring fashion.

“Are you alright?” asked Alison.

“I’m better now. Those kids are home now and one of jerks who did it is looking at a jail cell,” said Bucky carefully brushing out a knot. Alison sipped her tea while he focused on getting the knots out.

“What happened tonight….” started Alison and Bucky shook his head.

“Doesn’t matter now,” said Bucky quickly.

“I know it was weird and upsetting for you. It was for me too,” said Alison. She turned and kissed his cheek. “I love you and what happened tonight...and before...if you never wanna talk about either one of those things again then we’ll shut the book on them,” said Alison. He took her hand in his and kissed it.

“Can we bury them too?” asked Bucky.

“I prefer burning things. Less work, easier to clean up,” said Alison giving him a shy smile. He gave her one back, however there was one last thing he needed to get off his chest.

“I told you before there are just somethings I can’t get out of head, but that I want to make new memories. I don’t think I’ll ever get some of the stuff that’s happened to you out of my head, but at least we’re together this time and this time I promise I’m going to have your back,” said Bucky. _Like you’ve always had mine,_ thought Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

  
  


After hiding Alison’s gift Bucky noticed how warm it was in the base. He headed to the kitchen where Sam, Steve and Alison were actually smiling. They had a bottle of wine on the table and Sam was pouring it into coffee mugs.

“What are we celebrating?” asked Bucky and Alison rolled her eyes.

“It’s warm in here. It’s finally warm in here,” said Alison.

“It’s about time too. I was this close to burning paper in my room at night,” said Sam. Alison gave him a playful shove and Bucky took a mug that Steve offered.

“I didn’t see you helping. I think your last helpful suggestion was something about hitting the heater,” said Bucky.

“Well it was an option,” said Sam.

“A toast,” said Steve. “To not freezing at night.”

“To not freezing at night!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  
  


Alison had knitted them all socks for Christmas. Steve said his gift to them was no workouts till the New Year and Sam was in charge of making their dinner. It reminded Bucky a bit of being back in Brooklyn before the war. There wasn’t much to go around, but it was better than nothing. Sam had gotten Alison some yarn and she was working on a sweater. Steve was toying with a notebook that Bucky had gotten him. Bucky sat down next to Steve and nudged him a bit.

“Do you remember the Christmas before the war broke out?” asked Bucky. Steve gave him a slight smile.

“We had a ham. It was the first bonus I had every gotten. Becca made sugar cookies and you brought home the saddest tree I think I ever seen,” said Steve.

“I paid good money for that tree. I paid 50 cents for that tree,” said Bucky.

“That was 50 cents too much,” said Steve.

“Becca made us go to Midnight Mass and almost fell asleep on the way home,” said Bucky. He looked over at Alison who was wearing his sister’s ring and sighed. Steve said it had peaceful for Becca. She had kissed them all good night and went in her sleep. Still he wished he would have been able to say goodbye to her. _If she’s watching I hope what I’m going to do is going to make her happy,_ thought Bucky.

“This reminds me a little bit of the Christmas we spent in England. Hopefully Sam puts together a better meal,” said Steve.

“You didn’t like the overcooked turkey and the runny mashed potatoes. It could have been worse,” said Bucky. Steve let out a laugh and gestured to the notebook.

“This was nice of you. Was it your idea or Alison’s?” asked Steve.

“A little of both. It might help if you wrote or trying drawing again...I always felt less stressed when I wrote stuff down. She was the one who got me into it so in a way that was her part,” said Bucky nodding over at Alison. She was focused on her knitting and Bucky knew she tuned out when she knitted so he felt alright having a quiet talk with Steve.

“I may have gotten Alison something really fancy...well I asked Shuri if she could get it for me....I’ve never gotten her anything nice before. I’ve never gotten her anything before really.  I needed to...you know,” said Bucky. Steve shook his head and squeezed Bucky’s shoulder.

“I’m going to go see if Sam has blown up the roast yet, “ said Steve. Before Steve got up he leaned over and whispered in Bucky’s ear. “Good luck.” Steve left the room and Bucky went back over to Alison who was about to start a new row.

“I want to show you something,” said Bucky and he mentally kicked himself. _That was a lame way to start this._ Was he really going to do this? He could always back out. Alison raised an eyebrow and sat her knitting down.

“If it’s our bedroom all you have to do is ask,” said Alison teasing. She went to pick her knitting up and saw how serious he must have looked because she sat it back down. “Alright.”

Bucky took her hand in his left hand. He didn’t want her to feel how damp his palm was. Why was he so damn nervous? He took her down to the garage and workshop where some of the old cars were stored and the two new ones from their last mission. He had he sit down on a stool near one of the work tables.

“I got you a gift and well...just...could you close your eyes for a bit?” asked Bucky. Alison looked puzzled, but closed her eyes anyway.

“If this a new car you know Sam is gonna be pissed,” said Alison. Bucky took the box down from its hiding place on the shelf and sat it on the table.

“You can look now,” said Bucky. He was mentally wringing his hands and Alison looked at the box stunned.

“Oh my god,” she muttered and quickly opened the box and pulled out the guitar. She looked stunned as she turned it over in her hands.

“I asked Shuri if she could get it for me. I described what your guitar had looked like and I mean it looks really close from what I remember. If it’s not and you don’t like it…” Alison sat it down and hugged him hard.

“This is the best gift ever,” whispered Alison. She looked at him and she was trying to not cry. “I mean that...it’s been a long time since a gift has made me this happy. Thank you,” said Alison. Bucky took a deep breath and took both her hands in his. He felt oddly calm now. He had been worried she wouldn’t like it or that something would be wrong with it. Now that it was out of the way he could do what he really wanted to do.

“I know how much you like playing and that you’ve probably missed it the last few months,” said Bucky. “Honestly I missed hearing you play. I missed a lot of things about you when I was gone. If someone had told me I could have the chance to spend my life with someone like you I wouldn’t have believed it. Someone as kind, patient and just….just wonderful. I never would have believed it. Part of me still doesn’t,” said Bucky with a dry laugh.

Alison just shook her head and was about to say something when he squeezed her hands. He had thought about getting on his knee, but he thought about something Becca had said. _She wants an equal in her life._ So he stayed where his was and looked her in the eyes.

“I wanna take that chance though. I wanna see what life is really like when you give it chance and you have someone wonderful to take a chance with. Alison would you marry me?” asked Bucky. He watched her dark green eyes tear up again and she started nodding.

“Yes...yes…” said Alison. Bucky leaned down to kiss her when Sam called out.

“Oh this just lame. Look at you getting all weepy and what not over a marriage proposal. You didn’t even get a ring. You got an engagement guitar? What kind of hipster nonsense is this?” asked Sam. Bucky looked and there stood Sam and Steve in the doorway watching. Calmly and without missing a beat, Alison took a screwdriver off the bench and threw it in Sam’s direction.

“Jealous piss baby,” said Alison wiping her eyes. Bucky looked at Steve and for the first in a long time he saw the Steve that he had known in Brooklyn. Skinny Steve grinned at him and just shook his head. _Took you long enough to ask her you stupid jerk._ Yes it had took him long enough. But his mother had always told him that good things come to those who wait and he had waited for her his whole life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts are always welcome
> 
> One more chapter to go....


	16. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light spoilers for season 2 of Jessica Jones. A hint of Season 4 of AOS
> 
> Rated M for a bit.

_April 2012_

 

Alison studied the dress in mirror and smiled. It was a bit over the budget she had set for herself, but it was worth every penny. Sophia looked near tears and Renee nodded in approval.

“That dress does wonders for your boobs,” said Renee and Sophia elbowed her. “What? It does! It’s just the right amount of cleavage for a bride and the dress makes it look tasteful,” said Renee.

“At least I won’t have to worry about spillage. Susan is still worried that they might pop out while I’m throwing the bouquet. We’ve only seen that happen like a handful of times?” asked Alison.

“I believe the last time we saw that was the White Trash Wedding. Than again the Mother of Groom ripped the front of Bride’s dress causing them to pop out,” said Sophia. There was a knock on the door and her grandfather called out.

“Are you decent yet?” asked Robert.

“You can come in,” called Alison. Robert came in and Alison saw him swallow hard. She gave Sophia a look and Sophia nodded.

“Well we know it fits and how to get it on. I think you can handle taking it off. We’ll see you later,” said Sophia. They exchanged hugs and Sophia and Renee left. Alison gave a little shrug and gestured at the dress.

“What do you think?” asked Alison. He had skipped the dress shopping part of the wedding planning and this was the first time he had seen her in it. Alison had just picked it up after her final fitting at the store. Sophia and Renee had classes so they did one last try on here to make sure everything really did look alright. It was Sunday and by next Saturday she would be standing in front of him and everyone has she and Matt got married.

“I’ve seen plenty of women wearing wedding dresses in my day…the only ones that really made any impression was the one your grandmother wore and the one your mother wore...and you. You look...you look amazing Ally-Cat,” said Robert. Alison hugged him and he hugged her back hard.

“Let me tell you one thing though. Your grandmother could have walked down the aisle wearing a trash bag and I still would have married her. I loved her. It’s not about the dress, it’s the woman wearing it. Matt is getting one of the best women I have ever known. God help him if he ever forgets that,” said Robert kissing her cheek.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

March 2017

 

Alison studied herself in the mirror and the memory of the last time she had a wedding dress on comes to mind. It’s so clear in her mind she has to force herself not cry. It’s a mix of feelings causing the tightness in her chest. There is a nosagialic feeling for Matt, he had been one of her best friends for years. Even if things hadn’t turned romantic between them Alison knew he would have been a lifelong friend. _A part of me will always miss you and wish that could see who I am now._ There was a feeling of loss about her grandfather. He was supposed to walk with her when she had planned her first wedding, but had asked that the ‘giving away’ part be omitted from the service. _You’re a grown ass woman. I’m not giving you away to anybody._ He had been firm on that point and she was hit hard with how much she wished he could have known Bucky more. _You would like this one also. He likes the grown ass woman you made me to be._ She wished Franklin could be here. He was the closest thing to a parent she had and she had feeling he would have also insisted on doing away with the ‘giving away’ part.

She thought of Renee and Sophia and how seeing them get married had nearly moved her to tears. They were so in love and watching them get married was one of the happiest moments in her life. She had been there from the moment they first met through all their ups and down over the years. _Despite everything you guys made it together and I know you’re going to go and build an amazing life together._  Alison hoped they were alright and getting along without her and Sam there.

Alison takes one more look at herself in the white sundress they found at an old safe house and the final emotion that is tightening her chest is the joy she feels about marrying Bucky. It won’t technically be legal and it’s far away from the wedding she had dreamed about as a little girl and the one she planned out years ago. There was one key factor that stayed the same, she was going to marry someone she loved.

There was a knock on the door and a second later Natasha walked in. She gave Alison a slight smile.

“Come on. I’ll do your hair,” said Natasha.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

January 2017

 

Alison shifted on the sofa and tried to get more comfortable. It was hard to do with the cast on her leg. Shuri had seen her limping around the village a few days after Christmas and told Alison she was going to fix her damn leg one way or another. They had put her under for surgery where they had rebroken and reset it. Shuri had told her they were going to use Vibranium to help rejoin her bones this time. Shuri assured her it was safe and that the reason they hadn’t done it before was because her leg had been in such bad shape when they had brought her in and they needed to work quickly and no one had thought it.

“This is what happens when men are in charge of things. They just want to rush to the finish line,” said Shuri when Alison had been waking up. She was back at their base now recovering. It was going to be another two to three weeks of this and Alison hated feeling useless.

“Do you want anything for the pain?” asked Bucky. Alison patted his arm and smiled at him. Bucky had been fussing over her almost non stop since she had woken up from surgery. _I didn’t get to take care you the way I told you I would before I left and I didn’t get to take care you before I went to cyro...I wanna take care of you this time._ He had looked so serious and sad when he said that it pulled at her. _He used to take care of so many people and that was apart of who he was before Hydra took that from him. He wants that part back._ So she let him take care of  her and well it was sort nice to be spoiled.

“No. I’m fine. Just a little bored. Wondering what Steve and Sam are going to find at that SHIELD base. You know it must be nice to be such a large government organization that you can just abandon bases all over the world and no one checks on them since they are hidden from the government that paid for them. You could have gone with them. I would have been fine for a few hours,” said Alison.

Before he had left David had given Steve a list of abandoned SHIELD bases and safe houses. They had been sort of looting them for supplies and other odds and ends. Alison was a bit nervous anytime they went on this little raids since SHIELD had been restarted by the government. What would happen if SHIELD decided to go back to an empty base while they were there? If they got caught would it be The Raft or some other super max hell hole?

“You’re worried about them and if I had gone with them you would just be sitting here worrying even more and that level of stress can’t be good for anybody. Beside it’s good to have a little R&R once in awhile,” said Bucky kissing her forehead. Alison went back to her knitting and she saw Bucky staring at his book, but he hadn’t turn the page in the last ten minutes.

“Are you alright?” asked Alison and Bucky sighed.

“I’ve been thinking and I know you’re going to tell me it’s not stupid and...are you...I don’t know if are names will ever be cleared and…” He was started to work himself up and Alison took his hand.

“James...calm down. Whatever it is I won’t think it’s stupid. Just tell me what it is,” said Alison. He took a deep breath and looked at her.

“I asked you to marry me and I don’t know if we’ll ever really be able to get married. Being international criminals really puts the damper on stuff. I love you and I just...normal people who love each get married...I wanted to do something normal. I really wanted to see you in the white dress. All that stuff normal people do when they get married,” said Bucky.

Alison gathered her thoughts. She had been thinking about what a wedding for them would look like since she had time on her hands. It made her a little sad to think of the people who she wanted to share this with couldn’t be with her.  She wanted to marry Bucky, but her ideas about what a wedding should be had change. They had started changing has she planned her first wedding and now with her second some of those thoughts were firm in her mind. _Let’s be honest like we promised._

“If we could do the big wedding thing I would happily do that for you. To be honest though...the big wedding. I mean I always thought I wanted it until I really started planning it and....if Matt had suggested running off to Vegas to get married part of me would have done it. I loved him and I wanted to be with him. I might have taken my grandpa and few others who really mattered to see it. In the end all that mattered was that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of life. The big fancy wedding I put so much effort into was more for other people than us. It’s supposed to be about us,” said Alison. Bucky looked thoughtful as he leaned back in his spot..

“I never really gave a lot of thought to what my own wedding would look like until you. I always just thought I would throw on a suit, say some vows and try to not look like a jackass kissing a girl in front of god and everybody,” said Bucky with a laugh that made Alison let out one of her own. “So if we’re not going to do the fancy wedding how do you suggest we do this?” asked Bucky.

“How would you like to get married on your birthday? I think turning one hundred needs a little extra something,” said Alison. Bucky rolled his eyes, but smiled anyway.

“It wouldn’t be my worst birthday,” teased Bucky. He took her hand and looked thoughtful.

“I would like Steve marry us. Not that we have a lot of choices, but it would mean a lot to me if he could do it,” said Bucky.

“Fair enough. I would like to write a little something to say before we do vows if that’s alright with you,” said Alison and Bucky nodded. Alison leaned over and kissed him, Bucky went to pull her on top of him when the radio came on.

“Hey we’re coming in and we got some surprises,” said Sam. Alison leaned over and grabbed the receiver.

“This better be a good surprise and not leftover porn. We’ll meet you in the hanger,” said Alison. Bucky handed her the crutches and helped her off the sofa.

“What was wrong with the leftover porn?” asked Bucky teasing her.

“It was lame. Not one trashy romance novel in the pile. Give me a bodice buster so I have something too,” teased Alison. They made their way to hanger and got there just as the Quinjet was landing. The moment the cargo bay doors open Alison felt hot and cold all at once. She didn’t have time to react as David gave her a hug and shook his head.   
“You break your leg again? Can’t leave you alone for minute,” said David. Natasha with her hair cut short and dyed blonde gave them a small smile.

“It’s good to see you guys again,” said Natasha.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

March 2017

Bucky studied the ring Sam had picked up at pawn shop for Alison. Steve thought it best that he not go out since his face was still in the news on and off, while Sam’s had faded a bit. It was a nice ring and Sam knew Alison the best next to him. It was a silver ring with a sapphire in the middle and two small diamonds on either side. It looked a little like the ring his mother had worn that now belonged to Alison.

Bucky paced and wondered why he felt so damn nervous. Maybe it was just something in him that always expected the worst thing to happen. It’s not like Alison was going to run off or they had been found out. _Maybe it’s just the fact that you’re turning one hundred and marrying someone almost seventy years younger than you. Maybe it’s because you love her so much you don’t want to think about what life without her would be like. It doesn’t matter that we won’t have the paperwork to prove it...after today I’m going to be married._ Steve came into the room and shook his head.

“You aren’t even going to shave for your own wedding?” asked Steve sitting down a black jacket. Bucky ran his hand over the beard and grinned.

“She’s gotten used. She might even like it a little,” said Bucky and he nodded at the jacket. “Think it will fit?” asked Bucky.

“Only way to find out,” said Steve. Bucky pulled the jacket on and sighed. It was too tight on his left shoulder and looked odd. He pulled it off and shrugged.

“It was worth a try. Besides no one ever cares how the groom looks. It’s all about the bride,” said Bucky and Steve let out a small laugh.

“Well compared to you she’s going to look stunning,” said Steve. It was quiet for a moment when Steve took a deep breath. “It really means a lot to me that you asked me to help with this. I’m really happy for you. You’re good for each other,” said Steve.

“Thank you,”said Bucky. He studied the ring in his hand and sighed. “If Becca was here she would be giving hell for waiting so damn long. I had thought about asking before I left. I would have. It was really stupid to wait this long,” said Bucky.

“It was only a little stupid,” said Steve with a grin. Sam came into the room fixing his tie. He gave Bucky a once over and shook his head.

“You are getting somewhat married today and you haven’t shaved that rug off your face. God lord how does Ally kiss you?” asked Sam.

“Why don’t you ask her,” said Bucky with a smirk.

“She’s still getting ready. Natasha went in to help her with her hair,” said Sam. Bucky went back to studying the ring. _Natasha. I think she wanted this for us more than Steve did._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

February 2017

 

Bucky was working out when Natasha came into the small gym area they had set up. She looked a bit annoyed and puzzled.

“You remembered?” asked Natasha flatly. Bucky paused and got off the floor. There was no question in what she was referring too based her tone and look she was giving him. Steve and Sam were working in the garage. Alison had just gotten her cast off, but was resting and David was watching a movie. They were alone and hopefully no one would overhear them.

“Yeah,” said Bucky plainly.

“You told Alison?” asked Natasha and there was an odd edge in her voice.

“I didn’t want her to find out from someone else like Tony did,” said Bucky. Natasha’s eyes narrowed and she leaned against the wall.

“Did you tell anybody else?” asked Natasha.

“No. She was only one who needed to know,” said Bucky. Natasha pushed herself off the wall, walked up to him and was glaring.

“No. She didn’t need to know. I was ready to take what happened to the grave. I did everything I could to make what happen between us go away and you just threw at her for no good reason,” snapped Natasha.

“I’m not going to lie her about what happened in my past,” said Bucky.

“So when do you plan on telling Steve or did you want me to share that with him?” hissed Natasha. Bucky felt his temper slip and he checked it.

“Steve doesn’t need to know this because it does affect him. I told Alison because I knew if she found out from someone else she wouldn’t understand and it would hurt her. I won’t hurt her again,” said Bucky.

“She’s different with me now. She’s on guard and...you made things awkward and they didn’t need to be,” said Natasha.

“Things are awkward because the last time we saw each other we were in a fist fight and the next second you’re help us escape. Maybe she’s on guard because of that,” said Bucky.

Had Alison been different around Natasha? He wasn’t one hundred percent sure. The first night back had been a little awkward for sure. He wasn’t sure she could be trusted. Sure she had helped them get away, but she had also tried to stop them.

Natasha looked tied and she devoured three bowls of soup while David told the story of how they met in a flea market in London around October. David said he nearly took off, but when Natasha approached him he realized that she was really on her own too. They had talked and agreed that teaming up was for their own good and well maybe getting back to others wouldn’t be so bad. They had been crashing at one the empty bases trying to figure out the best way to get a message to them when Steve and Sam had arrived.

“I missed all you idiots,” said David chugging a beer.

“Well it’s good to have you both here,” said Steve. Alison sipped her tea and said nothing as Natasha told her half of the story about being on the run since T’Challa had told Ross about what happened at the airport.

“I wasn’t sure where you guys would have gone after breaking out of the Raft so I’ll congratulate on managing to hide your trail so well,” said Natasha.

“We got lucky,” said Bucky thinking about how all three of them could have died at Tony’s hands.

“I heard. If I could have gone with him I would have. However, his ego wasn’t in the mood to listen to reason at the time,” said Natasha.

“It was more than his ego not willing to listen to reason,” said Alison softly. She excused her, saying her leg was bothering her and she was going to bed. Bucky helped Alison to their room and to bed. They hadn’t really talked about what Natasha’s coming back had meant. However they should have and would clearly need to if they were going to be working together.

“Look. I’ll talk to her,” said Bucky and Natasha rolled her eyes. “She knows that it wasn’t like that between us. Alison was actually worried that we forced into or something,” said Bucky.

“We weren’t. Trust me...you wouldn’t be standing here if it had gone down like that,” said Natasha.

“I know that and I know Alison.  Maybe she is being weird but I’m pretty sure it’s not a jealousy thing or maybe it is and she doesn’t realize it and well that’s on me,” said Bucky.

“I’m pretty used to having women be jealous of me. It comes with the territory. Normally it’s just baseless and petty. She actually has a reason even if it is a flimsy one,” said Natasha. She sighed and started heading for the door. “I’ll talk to her about it. It might be better for everyone in the long run if I cleared the air with her,” said Natasha.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

Natasha braided green ribbons into sections of her hair and put the braids into a bun. Alison was pretty sure they had used no less than forty bobby bins to make it work. It looked  really nice and she had swallow a lump in throat.

“Thank you,” said Alison and Natasha shrugged.

“I should be thanking you. I’ve never gotten to do the whole bridesmaid thing before. Not sure if I do it again,” said Natasha and Alison laughed.

“At least I didn’t shove you into a pink tulle nightmare that cost over four hundred bucks that you would never wear again,” said Alison.

“I guess I can be grateful for that,” said Natasha. It was silent between them for a few moments before Natasha spoke again. “I’m really happy for you two. I know if hasn’t been easy and honestly you two...let’s just say seeing you two together gives me an odd bit of hope,” said Natasha.

“You’re a really good friend and it means a lot to me that you’re here. Thank you,” said Alison. She stood up and before she could overthink it she gave Natasha a hug. The other woman went stiff at first before giving her a hug back.

“Don’t ever tell anyone I hugged you. It will ruin my reputation,” said Natasha and Alison let out a nervous laugh. There was a knock at the door and Sam called out.

“You ready to do this?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

February 2017

 

Alison was reading an old SHIELD file in the little room she had claimed for an office when Natasha came in. Alison felt her spine stiffen and the hair on the back of her neck stick up as Natasha shut the door.  

“Would it help if I let you kick my ass?” asked Natasha. Alison nearly dropped her tablet and was proud of herself for keeping it in her hands.

“What?” asked Alison trying to stay calm even though she felt like running. She hadn’t had a panic attack in months and a part of her wondered what having one with the serum would be like. Natasha gave her look that Alison couldn’t read and she felt the bands tightening on her chest. _Would you calm the hell down?_

“You know what happened between me and Bucky,” said Natasha flatly and Alison felt the band tighten a bit. She had been trying to ignore the stupid nagging voice in her head, however the voice  knew what buttons to push and she had been pushing them hard the last few weeks. A part of her knew she should just talk to Bucky, but really the only person who could tell her what she wanted was Natasha. Plus some of her thoughts seemed so petty and childish she didn’t want to give them voice. _She so much prettier than you and she isn’t laid up with a stupid injury. What if this doesn’t work and you spend the rest of your life with a limp? Meanwhile there is perfect Natasha and why wouldn’t he go to her? She knows what his life was like and...god shut up!!!_

“Did you...why...I know his why. Was it just lust or what?” asked Alison, Natasha sat down across from Alison and looked up at the ceiling.

“Some of it was lust. I was a teenager and well he was...is a good looking man,” said Natasha plainly. Alison felt herself nod and she braced herself for the rest of her answer. “Some part of me thought I loved him. I didn’t though. They told us he was the perfect weapon and that we would all be lucky to be just like him. I wanted to be that perfect weapon too and he was the most ruthless teacher I had ever had. He pushed me harder than anyone ever had. I loved his power. I didn’t love him. To be honest he really didn’t love me either...he thought I was someone he had loved,” said Natasha.

“I know,” said Alison and she felt some of the pressure ease up. “I understand why you didn’t tell anybody after it came out who is was. It would have made things awkward with you and Steve,” said Alison.

“It’s made things awkward between us,” said Natasha and Alison nodded.

“Look I’m not going to lie. A big part of it is stupid stuff in my head. I know Bucky isn’t going to cheat on me or end our relationship on a whim. It’s not who he is and to think otherwise belittles our relationship. I think if you really wanted him you could have had him right when we brought him in and none of us would have told Steve for various reasons. I just... you supported us being together from the start. Why?” asked Alison.

“The way he looked at me when he was remembering that other girl is the way he looks  at you. Only he isn’t remembering someone else anymore. I know what he went through and I know how hard it is to find any speck of happiness after that. I needed to help my fellow Russian find happiness. Even if things were different...he would never be happy with me and I wouldn’t be happy with him. I couldn’t love him the way you do,” said Natasha.  Alison nodded and took a deep breath.

“I think we can be alright now. I’m sorry if I’ve been cold towards you. There isn’t a self help book on how to deal with everything that’s happened the last few months. Like I said a lot of the stuff in my head was stupid and it was unfair to you,” said Alison.

“Well to be fair you are not the first woman I’ve intimidated with my looks and well I might have slept with some of their boyfriends or husbands too,” said Natasha with a grin before getting up. “The difference is I like you and consider you a friend. He also loves you more than anything in this life,” said Natasha.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

 

March 2017

 

There was a river near the village and Bucky remembered how Alison had said she wanted to get married on a beach. Well it wasn’t really a beach, but at least it was near water so at least she was getting that. He and Steve headed to the spot first and were waiting for the others to arrive.

Clint and Scott had sent their congratulations to them via several coded messages. They both seemed to be doing alright, but it wouldn’t be safe for them to come back. Bucky could tell Alison was a bit worried that she hadn’t heard from Wanda yet. They had set up a few different e-mail accounts so they could contact each other every few weeks. Alison hadn’t heard back after the last e-mail she had sent. Alison was sure Wanda was safe though. If she had been caught it would have been all over the news. Still Bucky wished she would contact them.

“Well at least you aren’t wearing ugly sandals,” called Shuri. Bucky turned to see T’Challa, Shuri and another woman walking towards them. While Alison had been recovering from her second surgery she had mentioned the engagement to Shuri. Shuri had almost ran to her brother to tell him. T’Challa had congratulated them and had asked if they would allow him and Shuri to be witnesses. He and Alison agreed that they would be honored if they came. The were honored and wished they could thank T’Challa somehow for all his kindness to them.

“Your majesty,” said Steve nodding his head slightly.

“I would like to introduce my friend…” started T’Challa.

“Girlfriend,” muttered Shuri earning her a mock glare from both T’Challa and the  woman.

“I’m Nakia,” she said shaking his hand before shaking Steve’s. “I’m looking forward to meeting the bride. I owe her my thanks,” said Nakia.

“Nakia’s cousin was the woman Alison and David saved in Lagos. We all grew up together,” explained T’Challa.

“Alison told me about her and how she hoped she was doing alright. How’s the baby?” asked Bucky.

“He’s a handsome trouble maker like his father,” said Nakia with a smile. Bucky was about to say something when the com on Steve’s wrist went off.

“The bride is on her way,” said Steve. Bucky felt something heavy settle in his chest and in his gut. T’Challa touched his shoulder and Bucky nearly jumped.

“My father told me once that the day he married my mother was the happiest moment in his life and it was also the most terrifying moment in his life. He loved her and couldn’t wait to start his life with her. The terrifying part was knowing he would spend the rest of his life trying to be worthy of her. I say you should focus on the happiness part for right now. They’ll be plenty of time to be terrified,” said T’Challa.

With a smile he went to stand with his sister and girlfriend. Bucky could hear the engine of the jeep that Alison and Sam had fixed coming towards them. He has to take several deep breaths to try calm himself. _We’re doing this…we’re really doing this._

The jeep parked and Sam and David get out of the front while Natasha gets out from the driver’s side. Sam goes over to the passenger side and opens the door. Bucky doesn’t see Alison until she comes around the jeep and all his nervousness seems so stupid right now. She gives him a small smile and it’s the one he remembers from the first day he met her. _She bought me coffee and asked if I need help. I needed help and a whole lot more. I can never thank you enough for that sweetheart._

She looks pretty in the long white cotton dress dress and her hair has green ribbons that remind him of the dyed green streaks she had when they reunited. She’s wearing her necklace with the dog tags and his mother’s ring along with some silver earrings that had also been found in the safe house. David goes to stand with T’Challa and the others while Sam walks Alison forward and Natasha comes to stand behind Alison. Sam goes to stand behind him and Steve has an insanely stupid smirk on his face. Alison takes his hand and gives it a squeeze and nods at Steve. Steve’s face goes soft and the smirk fades into a genuine smile.

“We are here today for a day I honestly thought I would never see and I’m beyond happy to see it happen. We all are. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what we fight for and why we keep it at. We do it so people can have these moments and you two deserve this moment more than anyone I can think of. I think we can all agree on that,” said Steve and Bucky heard David mutter Hell yes and he had to fight back a laugh.

“I think Alison had asked for Sam to do a reading before we start the vows,” said Steve Sam gave her a look before pulling out a note card.

“I only agreed to do this because I like you and you owe me,” he said teasing her before getting serious. “It took me awhile to find the right reading. I had thought about doing the ‘Love suffers long’, but I think every wedding I have been too has done that one and well you two are not like anybody else. I might have tried to Google some wedding readings while I was out getting your rings I think though this one fits you two the best. It’s from A Farewell to Arms,” said Sam and he started reading.

“At night, there was the feeling that we had come home, feeling no longer alone, waking in the night to find the other one there, and not gone away; all other things were unreal. We slept when we were tired and if we woke the other one woke too so one was not alone. Often a man wishes to be alone and a woman wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other, but I can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were together, alone against the others. We were never lonely and never afraid when we were together.” Sam finished reading and he gave Alison a hug and he shook Bucky’s hand before going back to his spot. Yes it was fitting for them. How often had he felt that she was home to him? That he would sometimes wake up and was relieved to see her curled up next to him. That he didn’t feel that nagging emptiness anymore.

“I believe you each had something you wanted to say,” said Steve and he nodded at Alison. She squeezed his hand before letting go and taking a folded piece of paper from Natasha.

“I didn’t trust myself to wing it,” muttered Alison before unfolding it and taking a deep breath.  She looked down for moments before looking him in the eyes. “James. I’ve been a planner my whole life. Even when I was kid I planned things. Even when I was supposed to be relaxing I had things planned. I didn’t like leaving things up to chance. I had to learn the hard way that things don’t go as planned. Even after that I tried very hard to go back to having a planned life. If I could control something maybe it would it be alright and I wouldn’t get hurt again... and then I met you. I didn’t plan to fall in love with you and when I finally did fall... I learned that sometimes you just have leave somethings to fate or chaos or whatever it is in the universe that brought us together. I love you and I can’t wait to see where this goes now with you, ” said Alison.

She looked glassy eyed and Bucky saw Natasha quickly wipe her own eyes before taking Alison’s note. Bucky had written something down, but it felt more important to hold her hands in his than the paper. He really hadn’t liked what he written down anyway and what he had in his mind felt more honest. Her hands were shaking and held them tightly in his own shaking hand.

“When I was growing up I could never understand why my mother loved my father. He was never really good to her, not the way she deserved. She never stopped loving him though and one day I finally asked her why she loved him so much. She just sighed and said “Above all, love each deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” I didn’t understand what she was talking about until you. She loved him enough to forgive how he hurt her. I know this hasn’t been easy...that I hurt you along the way. I told you before I don’t have anything to give you...just me. I promise you though that I will spend everyday for the rest of our lives being the person you see in me and loving you the same way you love me,” said Bucky.

The glassy eyed look in Alison’s eyes was becoming more pronounced and Steve handed her a tissue and she thanked him.

“I believe we somehow managed to get rings,” said Steve teasingly and Alison let out a small laugh and Bucky shook his head before turning to Sam and taking the ring. Natasha handed Alison a ring. It wouldn’t fit on his left hand so he would wear on the chain with his dog tags. He thought it was fitting since Alison wore his mother’s ring on her chain.

“Okay. Buck repeat after me. With this ring I thee wed,” said Steve. Bucky took her left hand and placed the ring on her finger.

“With this ring I thee wed.” Steve had him say that he would love Alison for better or worse, for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health until death and Bucky had to fight to urge to remind Steve they were penniless criminals on the run and did he even need to get into the sickness part of their relationship. Steve looked happy doing this though and Bucky shook his head has Steve had Alison repeat the same promise as she wrapped his hand around the gold band. _I did ask him to do this after all._   _This is how weddings were done when we were coming up and well why not make the promise a bit more permanent,_ thought Bucky.

“Now by the power vested in me by the US Army and you two...I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. You may kiss the bride,” said Steve.

Alison took his face in her hands as he wrapped his hands around her waist and kissed her.

“Keep it tasteful,” called Shuri and Alison started giggling. She pulled away and rubbed her face against his beard.

“I could have shaved,” whispered Bucky.

“It’s fine,” whispered Alison and she kissed him again.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

_Hey I want your cray-cray_

_I want your, I want your hey!_

_Cray cray cray. I want your cray-cray!_

 

“Is this really a song?” asked Nakia and Alison nodded she grinned.

“Well it’s a one hit wonder really. With a very elaborate dance number,” said Alison looking over to where David was crawling on the floor. Shuri was watching with glee and asking David what the next move was. It was the third time the song had played. They had hooked her MP3 player up to a speaker and hit shuffle on a playlist she had called-Wedding. It was a list of all the songs she had learned to play at weddings. She vaguely remembered being asked to play this song and wow what had that couple been thinking? The first time it had played, David nearly three sheets to the wind had done the whole dance number from the video. Shuri had insisted David teach her the dance and now he was on his second showing of the dance and Alison looked over at Sam who was sitting on the floor with tears streaming down his face from laughing. Natasha had a phone out and was filming the show.  She looked over at Steve and Bucky who were shaking their heads and Alison thought she saw Bucky mouth the words. _His grandfather_.

“Now you pop your hips like this,” said David bending backwards so he was like a human bridge and Alison shook her head.

“Oh he is going to have such a hangover,” said Alison. T’Challa sipped his drink and looked thoughtful.

“Do you think Shuri would mind if I tried to dance like that at her wedding? I am the King after all and I can dance how I want,” said T’Challa. Alison nearly choked on her drink and Nakia sighed.

“I think they used this song to torture war criminals. I know I would confess to anything after the fourth playing,” said Nakia.

“I got a lot of strange musical request back in the day. This might have been the strangest though,” said Alison. _At least it wasn’t the theme song to It’s Pasty._ Bucky came over and slipped an arm around her waist.

“You know I think his grandfather invented that crawling move. Than again he might have also been drunk at that time,” said Bucky.

“We should thankful he hasn’t tried to put on a SHIELD suit. I think a black cat suit might have been one of the costumes,” said Alison and they all laughed. Steve was done by the fifth play of the song and ushered David off the dance floor while Shuri protested that she needed to know this dance for science.

“I’m sure you do,” said Steve.

“Besides the bride and groom haven’t had their dance yet,” said Natasha turning off the camera.

“I don’t know if we ever settled on a song,” said Bucky.

“It’s curse of being a wedding musician. You’ve heard everything so it just all blends together,” said Alison. Honestly she was torn between two very different songs and hadn’t been able to pick. _They just both seemed like us._

“Oh so I can pick,” said Sam going over to the player and Alison dashed over to it.

“Nope. I love you, but I know you and you would pick Bump and Grind,” said Alison scrolling through the player looking for the song she wanted. She decided that she would play this one for them to dance to and maybe she would play the other song for him in private. She found the one she wanted and asked Sam to hit play in a few seconds.

“May I have this dance Sargeant?” asked Alison. Bucky took her hand and the went out to the center of the living room. Sam hit play and Bucky pulled her close and they just swayed in a circle.

“I thought this wasn’t dancing,” whispered Alison.

“I don’t want show off just yet,” whispered Bucky. “I just wanna listen to what you picked out.”

 

_When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears_

_Was easy to see, you'd been crying_

_Seems like everywhere you turn, catastrophe it reigns_

_But who really profits from the dying?_

 

_I could hold you in my arms_

_I could hold you forever_

_I could hold you in my arms, oh_

_I could hold you forever_

 

_When you kissed my lips, with my mouth so full of questions_

_My worried mind, that you quiet_

_Place your hands on my face_

_Close my eyes and say_

_Love is a poor man's food_

_With no proper side_

 

“Yeah. Yeah this is us,” said Bucky kissing her forehead. Alison let her head rest on his shoulder. The other one she had in mind wasn’t on that playlist and she was pretty sure you couldn’t dance to it. She wasn’t even sure he would like it since it was that Whiny 90’s stuff as he called it. No. This was the right choice for their first dance. She saw that Steve and T’Challa were in the corner having what looked like a deep conversation. She briefly wondered what was going on and than pushed it out of her mind. Alison sighed deeply and kissed Bucky. _I love you so much,_ thought Alison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

 _A man who can’t live without a war._ The words rang in Steve’s head and well maybe the murder bot had been right. He wasn’t sure what he would do without a war to fight in. He was sort of in one right now. It was getting close to the year mark and Tony still hadn’t call him. He hoped Tony was alright without them. They had done some good in the world over the last few months and he was proud of what they had done.

Watching Bucky dance with Alison something came to Steve and he wasn’t sure what to do. Bucky had been at war for years and was clearly done with it. Steve knew he had stayed to help him and well Alison had too. They had wanted to help people, but the main reason they had stayed was to help him. He appreciated that and he loved them both deeply. However was it right to ask them to stay on the path he had made for them when they should be trying to make their own? He knew children weren’t an option for them, but maybe they could have something else together. T’Challa came over and poured him a drink while looking at the couple.

“You’ve become so used to tragedy that joy is heavy burden,” said T’Challa. Steve thought about it and nodded in agreement. When was the last time he felt this happy? Deep in his heart happy? Decades ago if he was really honest.

“What are their plans after this?” asked T’Challa.

“We got them a honeymoon tent for tonight. After that...whatever the universe tosses at us,” said Steve. The song ended and a faster one started. David jumped back up to dance along with the others.

“It’s a shame that Mrs. Barnes never got to finish her education. She’s a wonderful nurse. If fact the village nearby has become very fond of their ‘Night Nurse.’ Well they also seem very fond of their ‘White Wolf.’ He helped put a roof on a new home recently and wanted nothing in return,” said T’Challa and Steve thought he felt a wheel turning. The nearby village had been coming to Alison more freely for help and Bucky always seemed willing to go and get supplies and well he seemed happy being there. Bucky had always liked doing something with his hands.

“How fond?” asked Steve.

“Very fond. Nakia wants to build a clinic closer to the village so they don’t have so far to travel for serious help. I’m sure we could keep them busy for awhile. My sister is also looking for an assistant and was very impressed with Mrs. Barnes research skills. I also have made a new friend within the CIA who might be able to help the Sergeant out of some of his legal troubles. It might take some time to get the world around to his side and your side, but I think if we prove his innocence first than the rest of you should be cleared,” said T’Challa.

“It’s going to be hard to convince them to go,” said Steve feeling a lump in his own throat. Could they ever convince the world that Bucky was innocent? Was he ready to see his two friends go. _This is something for them. They need to go and have their life together. If Bucky was in my shoes and I wanted a life with Peggy he would tell me to go with her._  “They’ll feel in your debt...it’s just who they are,” said Steve.

“I’ll tell them it’s a wedding present,” said T’Challa.

“It’s my wedding  and my birthday so your rank doesn’t matter today! Get out here and dance you stupid punk,” called Bucky.

“I’m calling this my wedding present,” said Steve joining them in a dance.  

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

It was almost midnight when Steve had handed him a flashlight and told him the honeymoon suite was outside. Sam said they had already had clothes for the next morning there and to just enjoy their honeymoon. The night was clear and a little warm has they made their way to a tent David and Natasha has set up for them. Alison had taken her hair down and was rubbing her head.

“I know it looked pretty, but some of those bobby pins were digging into a my head.,” said Alison. Bucky toyed with a strand of hair and kissed her head.

“You look pretty all the time,” said Bucky and Alison rolled her eyes. They spotted the tent and Bucky was relieved to see it was an old medic tent that was tall enough and long enough to move around in. Alison opened a flap and was about to go in when Bucky stopped her.

“I’m sure you’ll understand why I have to do this. Tradition and all that,” said Bucky. He scooped her up and carried into the tent. There was a small laugh from Alison has he sat her down.

“I guess I’ll allow it,” said Alison. She went over to turn on one of the lanterns while he made sure the flap was properly closed. There were two made up cots pushed together. A small bottle of wine with two glasses were on a small table. Another large table had some breakfast items in a basket and a battery powered hot plate. Two small overnight bags had been put in a corner along with two shower kits.

“This is really sweet,” said Alison softly. Bucky turned the flashlight off and came over to her. The nerves were back and he felt stupid. They weren’t virgins and this is was far from their first time together. However they hadn’t touched each other in almost two weeks and it had been his idea. He wanted to wait to make this something special and it had almost been the longest two weeks of his life. They had slept apart and somehow going to sleep and waking up without her made it seem longer than two weeks.

“I missed you. I can’t tell you how many times I thought about just coming back to the room and curling up next to you,” said Alison as he started to toy with her hair.

“Why didn’t you?” asked Bucky. She had been sharing a room with Sam so going to her hadn’t been an option.

“You said you wanted to wait and I respected that,” said Alison and Bucky leaned in and kissed her.

“It was an effort of will to not go into your office and take you on that desk,” said Bucky. Alison turned so her back was towards him and she moved her hair out the way so he could unzip the dress. “Thought about that or following you into the shower and taking you against the wall. I like feeling your legs around me,” whispered Bucky.

He unzipped the dress and pulled the straps down so Alison was bare from the waist up. She leans against him and he cups her breasts in his hands. She sucks in a breath as he rubs his thumbs over her nipples and he starts kissing a path on her neck.

“I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about having you. Before we were together...I thought about what being with you would be like. Your legs around my waist, your breasts in my mouth….cumming inside you. I’ve  never wanted anyone the way I wanted you,” hissed Bucky.

“Let me...let me get this off,” pleaded Alison gesturing to the dress. She’s beyond hot to the touch and he squeezes her breasts and enjoys the moan she lets out. No one to hear them. No need to keep it down. It reminds him of their first time together in his home before the war. Bucky pulls her over to the bed and Alison somehow manages to get the rest of dress and shoes off before he has her on her back. She goes for his shirt and he pulls away slightly.

“No. You aren’t lifting a finger tonight. I just want you to watch,” said Bucky. Alison drew in a shuddering breath.

“You fight very dirty Sergeant,” said Alison. She let her hands settle in the blanket and smiles at him. “I’m waiting.” He kisses her forehead before unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it over where her dress was. He managed to kick his shoes off while she had been fighting with her dress. He pulls away and Alison thinks he going to take his pants off when he pulls her over to the foot of bed and gets on his knees.

“I’ve thought about this all damn day,” muttered Bucky. He pulls her underwear off, puts her legs on his shoulders before sliding his tongue inside her. The suddenness of it nearly has Alison jerking away and she only stays where she is because he’s holding her hips.

“Damn it James,” whined Alison has he licks circles on her clit. He lets go of her hips and runs his hands over her body and the pleading for him to take her is his own little thrill. He knows her well enough now that he can keep her on the edge for awhile. Anytime she got close to her climax he would stop what he was doing and listen to her ragged breathing and when he felt she had calmed down he would start again. By the third time Alison is nearly out of patience.

“Stop toying with me. It’s too much. It’s too much,” hissed Alison. Bucky plants a lazy kiss on her inner thigh and rubs his cheek on the same thigh.

“I know. I just like this. I like knowing how good this makes you feel. Besides once I get mine I need a breather. You...oh you,” said Bucky planting another kiss on her thigh a bit harder than the last. “You just keep going. Never had a women who could just keep cumming. Even before the serum. I love making you feel that way.” Bucky bites down on her thigh a bit and Alison’s breathing is starting to pick up. “I just want this first one to be really good.” He slides a finger inside her before he starts licking her again. It doesn’t take long for her to climax after that. He knows that she was far too close to the edge when he stopped this time. It’s worth it though when he hears her cry out. He likes feeling her body tighten on his fingers and taste of her on his tongue.

Bucky takes her legs off his shoulders and Alison is shaking as she pushes herself further back on the bed. Bucky runs his hands up her legs and she lets out a low moan with her eyes closed.

“Look at me sweetheart,” said Bucky softly. Alison does and he takes off his pants and underwear. He’s beyond hard and Alison smirks a bit.

“You sure you want me to keep my hands to myself” asked Alison. Bucky takes his member in his right hand and gives if a few light strokes before settling on top of her and teasing her entrance with it.

“Just for a little bit longer,” said Bucky before pushing himself inside her. He takes her hands in his and starts taking her slowly. “I love you,” whispered Bucky. He lets go of her hands and when he does Alison is tucking his hair back and cupping his face.

“I love you too,” said Alison before pulling his face to hers in a kiss that set off even more need in him. Bucky had to force himself to have her slowly or else it would have been over to soon for his liking. Alison could sense what he wanted and tried to hold back another organism for as long as she could. Her climax nearly pushes him over the edge and holding back almost hurt. In a good way though and he knew he was close though and decided to take her how he liked it best. He sat up and wrapped her legs around his waist before picking up the pace.

“Oh sweetheart. It’s always so damn good with you. I never thought I would want this  again. Not with anyone, not till you. You make me happy,” said Bucky. Alison pushed herself up and kissed him  hard in reply. The sudden change in angle and depth had them both climaxing and they held each shakily.

“So...ten minute break?” asked Alison teasingly.

“I’m a hundred years old and I think I might need twenty minutes,” said Bucky. She laughed and hugged him.

“We got time,” said Alison. _You have the rest of my life,_ thought Bucky.  

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

When they got back the following afternoon Bucky could feel something was off with everyone. There had been some minor teasing from David, but it felt off. The others were oddly silent and it was Alison who finally asked what was going on.

“Is there something bothering all of you or am I just being crazy?” asked Alison. Bucky saw the looks between Steve, Natasha and Sam and felt something odd in his chest.

“I realized something yesterday and well I think all us did,” said Steve. He stood up and looked at both of them. Bucky could swear the last time he saw Steve this determined was after his mother died. “You two have been great members of this team, but now...you two need to be your own team,” said Steve. Bucky thought he understood what Steve was saying and he shook his head.

“You really think you can get rid us that easily?” asked Bucky. To be honest he was torn. There was the thought of being free and then there was thought of leaving the others. What if they were needed? Where would they go if they weren’t part of this team. _What would it be like to try and have a normal marriage just you and her?_ Alison shook her head and looked upset.

“Just because we’re sort of married doesn’t change things. We’ve worked on missions before just fine and I don’t see this changing it,” said Alison. Sam put a hand on her arm and Bucky could see this was hard on him too.

“Ally...you know I love you. You are the greatest friend I could ever ask for and one of the best teammates I could ever want, but...you deserve to try and have some sort of normal life. Well as normal as marrying an old man can be,” said Sam trying to joke. Alison looked annoyed and went to say something when Sam cut her off. “If it was me and Sharon who got married you would want us to take a break from this for a little bit. It’s not a permanent thing...just a break. Clint and Scott decided to take a break and I know you. You will never ask for break no matter how much you want or need one. I think you two have earned a break,” said Sam. Alison looked near tears and quickly walked out of the room.

“Give her a minute,” said Sam and Steve looked at Bucky.

“Could you all give us a minute?” asked Steve. Natasha nodded and the others left the room. Once they were out of earshot Steve gave him a tired smile.

“I thought I was the only one who hated R&R,” said Steve and Bucky started to pace.

“If I knew being married was going to weird everybody out I wouldn’t have done it,” said Bucky and Steve sighed.

“That would be unfair to both of you. You love her and you two have been through enough for awhile. You both have earned time off from us...from this life,” said Steve gesturing around the room. “Is this really how you want to start your married life. Crammed in an underground bunker, going on random raids and putting your life on the line all the time. It’s not fair to either one of you,” said Steve. Bucky forced himself to stop pacing and looked at Steve. He could see his friend was struggling with this and Bucky reined in his temper. He wasn’t angry, not really. He was more confused than anything.  

“We chose this,” said Bucky.

“You sort of did. I know there was a part of you that would have left when Clint and Scott did if you knew things would be alright. I think there was also a part of Alison that would have done the same thing. You both put me and everyone else before yourselves. Now I’m putting you two before the team. I’ll miss you both more than I can really say, but you and Alison need to start a life together the right way,” said Steve.

Bucky sat down across from Steve and felt a lump in chest. This was the only part of his old life that he could still turn too. This was the man who had nearly died to save him. This was the closest thing to a brother he had. Steve was family. _Isn’t Alison also your family now._ Steve was past he sometimes wish he could go back too. Alison was a future he could build on and start over with.

“Well it’s not like you’ll be too far away. I imagine you worked out something with T’Challa for us to go somewhere else in Wakanda so we can stay hidden,” said Bucky.

“Actually the rest of us will be leaving Wakanda soon,” said Steve and Bucky nearly did a double take.

“Natasha knows of place we can stay in Europe that is a tad more what we need if we’re going to keep this up. Besides it’s risky for us to stay in one place too long. I didn’t want to admit it since it was nice to only be sort of on the run. You two will stay in Wakanda. T’Challa said he would talk to the villagers if you wanted to stay there. Shuri would like Alison as an assistant so you might both be going back to the palace. Or you two could even stay here. She put a lot of work into getting the place running again,” said Steve.

“You know if you go...we might not see each other for a while,” said Bucky and Steve nodded.

“I know. I’ll miss you, but I know she’ll take good care of you Buck. I know you’ll take care of her. You two...you both deserve to be happy together. It’s only for a little while. Maybe a year or so. Get all that newlywed nonsense out of your system,” said Steve trying to joke.

“I’ll miss you too. I guess it might not be so bad...it might be hard. I really haven’t had a real break in awhile. I don’t think going into cryo waiting for my brain to be unfried counts. Maybe I’m a little scared too. This whole starting my life over hasn’t been easy, but you...you both have helped me. I can’t thank you enough,” said Bucky and he quickly wiped his eyes. Steve went over and hugged him.

“Do me a favor Buck. Try to have a normal life for both of us,” said Steve.

“Nothing normal about you, but I’ll give it my best,” said Bucky.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Alison went into her office and was about to start reading a file she had flagged when David poked his head in.

“Do you really hate not working that much?” asked David and Alison shook her head.

“I don’t know why I’m so upset. I don’t,” admitted Alison.

“Maybe because you’ll miss us,” suggested David.

“I guess there is that. I mean...I would like a breather, but what if you need us,” said Alison and David sat down on her desk.

“Ally...I know how hard it is to walk away from this team. I did it for months and I missed and worried about you guys everyday. I’m not going to lie though, it was nice to be just a tiny selfish for bit. You two have tried to put everybody ahead of yourselves. I think you two getting married might have been the first thing you both  have truly done for yourselves in months. It’s not a bad thing to be selfish and put yourself first. I know what you’re willing to do for others. What are you willing to do for yourself?” asked David.

Alison twisted the ring on her finger and she knew it was going to be her new go to nervous habit. She had put the team first, but it was because the team had helped to prove Bucky was innocent and she wanted justice for her friends. She had stayed because it was the right thing to do and she wanted to help others freely. Some of her actions had been a little selfish when it came to Bucky, but she wasn’t sure if all her actions hadn’t been selfish.

“I don’t know,” admitted Alison. “When I got out of the hospital I told myself my purpose was to help others, if I couldn’t help them at least don’t hurt them. I’ve hurt people David. I hurt my friends. I hurt some members of team...Tony..Rhodey. I don’t know,” said Alison.

“Alright let’s unpack all that. Rhodey was not your fault. That was a shitty accident. The thing with Tony was a rock and a hard place and he could have killed you for something you had to keep private. Plus it wasn’t your place to tell him. Your friends...you are keeping them safe by staying away right now. Trust me I had to keep a lot of people away when SHIELD went under. I didn’t know who to trust. You’ve helped a lot of people to the best of your ability. Don’t beat yourself up. You need a break. No one here is going to think badly of you if you take time to be with your. Plus it might be nice for the rest of us to have a break from you two. You two are beyond cute sometimes and it’s sickening,” said David pretending to gag.

“How you get through life with that mushy heart baffles me,” said Alison. David shrugged.

“I try my best,” said David. There was a knock on the door before Steve and Bucky entered.

“Can we have a minute?” asked Steve and David nodded before showing himself off. David sighed and wondered how he was going to report this latest news to Coulson and the others. It would look weird if he stayed behind and yet he was supposed to be keeping an eye on Alison. She had slowed her research into the SHIELD files and she hadn’t mention T.A.H.I.T.I since Barnes had been thawed out. _I should have just cut and run when I got the chance. Screw this double agent stuff. How did Romanoff do this for years?_ thought David.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

October 2017

 

“Well clearly you need to go back in,” said Coulson and David sighed and fought the urge to pull his hair out.

“Look you had me there to watch The Avengers and let you know when stuff got weird. I think the Avengers are done for now so I’m done for now,” said David.

“You are a wanted criminal who broke out of The Raft. I should report you to the Director right now,” said Coulson and David scoffed.

“You mean that pretender who claimed to save lives at the UN. I was there and I didn’t see him saving anyone,” said David. “Go ahead report me to the poser,” said David.

“Everything is different now. I can only help you so much. However I could see if the Director would be willing to let you stay on if you go back and watch Captain America and the others. Especially the one who’s taken such an interest in the files. You know if I wasn’t dead I would let Romanoff have it for letting those files out into the wild. It’s been nothing but a pain in the ass since she’s done that,” said Coulson.

“Alison was only interested in our mind washing techniques and what Hydra did to her boyfriend back in the day. Maybe the Nazi Death cult shouldn’t have mixed their files with ours. He’s fine now and I’m sure she’s done looking at them,” said David.

“You can’t be sure about that,” said Coulson. “Plus if she’s as smart as you said she was she might just keep digging. It’s not just T.A.H.I.T.I. that I’m worried about her finding out about,” said Coulson and David shot him a look.

“Look I know we’ve shady shit, we’ve lied about it and we’ve lied about it well. What are you so freaked out about her finding?” asked David.

“What do you know about her parents?” asked Coulson. David admitted he didn’t know much and has Coulson filled him on David wondered what would hurt her less telling her the truth or letting her find the truth on her own in a file that SHIELD had thought was buried. Before he left with the others David wiped the tablet she had been using. Hopefully she would think it was just a glitch or some other issue that caused the tablet to die. He couldn’t destroy her paper notes without raising an alarm. He hoped that would slow her down a bit and that she wouldn’t find out what SHIELD had cost her.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

“You take care of my girl,” said Sam and he shook Bucky’s hand. Alison was talking to Steve and Natasha before they got on the Quinjet.

“I will,” said Bucky and Sam shook his head.

“I’m going to miss her. I never thought when I asked her to join up that this is how things would go down. I just wanted her to go back to school with a clean slate. Never thought she would end up falling in love with the old man who kicked my ass,” said Sam.

“Well to be fair you kicked my ass first,” said Bucky and Sam nodded.

“I guess there is that,” said Sam. Bucky looked over and saw Alison giving Steve a hug which was returned.

“Can you look after him for me?  I know it’s pain in the ass and a thankless job, but someone has to do it,” said Bucky and Sam shook his head.

“Should have taken the break when it was offered. Maybe I should have stayed in Raft. The food the terrible, but the naps were nice,” said Sam with a smirk before getting serious. “I’ll do what I can,” said Sam.

“Thanks,” said Bucky. Alison came over and just threw her arms around Sam. He picked her up so her feet dangled off the ground.

“I’m gonna miss you,” said Alison once he sat her down.

“I’m gonna miss you too. Don’t work too hard and don’t let that child boss you around too much,” said Sam.

“The child has several PHDs and is a princess I think I’ll do whatever she says,” said Alison. It was silent between them for a minute before Alison hugged him again. Sam hugged her back, but the playfulness was gone. Bucky caught Steve’s eye and he walked over to the jet where Steve was.

“Don’t do anything too stupid while you’re away,” said Bucky and Steve shook his head.

“I’m leaving all the stupid here with her,” said Steve and it was like they were in their twenties again. Bucky didn’t know when they would see each other again or what was going to happen once Steve left. It was like going to war all over again only a little different since it was him who was staying behind. Bucky hugged Steve hard and Steve hugged him back.

“Punk,” muttered Bucky.

“Jerk,” said Steve. They broke apart and Bucky felt Alison slip her hand into his.

“You’ll send an e-mail to the address we agreed upon?” asked Alison.

“Once we’re set up and we know we’re good. If we move again we’ll let you know. We’ll be fine,” said Steve. He gave Alison a smile and nodded. Sam and Natasha got on the jet and David came dashing in with a box.

“Almost forgot this box and well I don’t think we wanna turn the jet around,” said David trying to joke. Alison gave him a hug.

“Take care of yourself,” said Alison.

“You too,” said David. He turned to Bucky and offered his free hand. .”Good luck,” said Bucky. Bucky shook it and David got on the jet. Steve gave them one last look before he squared his shoulders and nodded.

“Take care you two,” said Steve. Bucky nodded and Alison gave Steve a smile that was slightly tear filled. He got on the jet and closed the doors. They made their way out of the garage area so the jet could take off. Bucky held Alison’s hand tightly in his as they watched the jet take off. They stood together long after they could no longer see the jet. _I’ll miss you most of all Scarecrow,_ thought Bucky. Alison sighed deeply and looked up at him.

“So we have a very important choice to make. It’s going to make a huge impact in our lives,” said Alison and Bucky was a bit worried about how serious she looked before she broke into a grin. “Do you want to cook dinner or should I do it?” asked Alison. Bucky threw an arm around her shoulder.

“Why don’t I cook this evening and you can learn from a master,” said Bucky. Alison leaned against him and teased him about what a master he was when last week he had burnt the potatoes because he had the heat too high. _Normal. We get to be normal and I can live with that,_ thought Bucky. He watched Alison has she prepped veggies to go with their dinner and felt an odd sort of peace. _You’re my home now and I’ll do anything to keep you safe. No matter what the cost I’ll keep you safe,_ thought Bucky.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

_Epilogue_

_December 2017_

 

Matt Murdock had listened to the older man tell his story at least three times now and he could find no fault in it. This man wasn’t lying to him at all. It sounded crazy and far-fetched, but considering all the things he had seen and done why wasn’t this possible. Matt heard Foggy shift in the chair next to him. Matt had been hesitant to call his old friend and partner, but this case was going to be huge and he would need help and money. Foggy was still working with Hogarth and even though she had broken away from her partners she still had almost unlimited funds in her law firm. Matt hoped that the fame and headlines that this case would create would be enough to satisfy her and let her have Foggy help him.

“I understand if you don’t want to help me,” said the man sounding beyond tired to Matt’s ears. “But...my daughter….” said the man before he broke off in sobs. Foggy pushed the box of tissues over to him and Matt could feel how ill at ease he seemed. Not because the man was crying, but because he wasn’t sure if they could help at all.

“Sir. You have to understand. If this is your daughter,” started Foggy and the man shot Foggy a look that would have cut steel.

“She’s my daughter and if you think she’s...she’s not what they’ve called her in the papers and in the news. Ally was sweet. She was good girl...she’s not a terrorist. I don’t know what happened to her. Maybe it’s my fault...I left her,” he said.

“Lieutenant,” started Foggy and the other man sighed.

“No one has called me Lieutenant in a long time. Just call me Bobby,” he said.

“Bobby. You have to understand that Alison is facing serious charges. Aiding and Abetting a Terrorist is the most minor charge she’s looking at and that is at least twenty years in a high security federal prison. We want to help you, but we need you to understand that this is going to be a long road. Even with the information you’ve given us it…” Bobby cut him off with a scoff.

“The government is calling my daughter a terrorist after everything they done. I’m not proud of my part in it. I helped cover things up and it destroyed me. I have proof of what they did. I’ve been on the run for a long time and I know how to hide. If they want to come at me they can go ahead. I swear to God and on my wife’s grave  that my daughter is going to be a free woman or I will find a way to let everyone know that SHIELD knew about aliens long before the attack on New York. They knew and did nothing. My daughter is innocent,” said Bobby firmly.

“Well first we have to prove she’s your daughter and well...that you aren’t dead,” said Foggy. Matt felt oddly happy at what Foggy had said. He said ‘we’ meaning he wanted in. Now the hard part was going to be proving Alison Conley wasn’t a terrorist and that the man sitting in front of them was indeed her father.   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Alison's first song-Ray Lamontagne-Hold you in my arms
> 
> Going to see Infinity War this weekend and can't wait!!! Planning on starting my next fic with Bucky and Alison after that. I hope folks have enjoyed their story so far. 
> 
> Let me know what you think and thank you all for reading.


End file.
